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Hi,

  I am new here.  I have been searching for a place for support. I do not know if anyone besides me and my sisters who experienced what we did.  Sometimes it it hard to talk to them though they have their own issues to work through.  

  I think I have been in denial for a long time about the impact of SA by my own father.  I had convinced myself that I had many things that other people like me had not had.  I had a supportive mother. My abuser was convicted (not for what he did to me and only served 3 years). I have been treated by counselors, therapists and psychiatrists so I must have beat this right? 

  Other events in my life I guess have exacerbated symptoms I have had for a long time like low self esteem, anxiety and depression to the point that I started looking back and asking myself, "Did I really beat this?" Actually my younger sister also helped in my looking back because up until that point I really wanted to believe that I was over this. 

 I feel a little in coming here and saying that I feel broken because I had things others like me did not. I do feel broken though. I am lost and don't know where to turn. My life has become one of fear and anxiety.  I have remembered things I don't want to remember.  I have felt such shame that I feel people can see something is wrong with me.  

  And I wonder what that little five year old girl was like before she learned to hide away in her head.  I wonder what she would be like if she never learned that.  Too late to change that but I wish I knew. 

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2 minutes ago, AloneandAnxious said:

Hi,

  I am new here.  I have been searching for a place for support. I do not know if anyone besides me and my sisters who experienced what we did.  Sometimes it it hard to talk to them though they have their own issues to work through.  

  I think I have been in denial for a long time about the impact of SA by my own father.  I had convinced myself that I had many things that other people like me had not had.  I had a supportive mother. My abuser was convicted (not for what he did to me and only served 3 years). I have been treated by counselors, therapists and psychiatrists so I must have beat this right? 

  Other events in my life I guess have exacerbated symptoms I have had for a long time like low self esteem, anxiety and depression to the point that I started looking back and asking myself, "Did I really beat this?" Actually my younger sister also helped in my looking back because up until that point I really wanted to believe that I was over this. 

 I feel a little in coming here and saying that I feel broken because I had things others like me did not. I do feel broken though. I am lost and don't know where to turn. My life has become one of fear and anxiety.  I have remembered things I don't want to remember.  I have felt such shame that I feel people can see something is wrong with me.  

  And I wonder what that little five year old girl was like before she learned to hide away in her head.  I wonder what she would be like if she never learned that.  Too late to change that but I wish I knew. 

I feel you and can relate alot. Welcome to AS

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Hello!  

Welcome to AS.  You are certainly not alone here; you are among a fantastic community of friends and while I am so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, I hope you will find you will have an abundance of support.

We are all in different places in our healing journeys, but this is a great place to start.  

Best wishes.

Capulet

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Thank you for the welcomes. I guess I am at the beginning of healing. Forgive me if at times I ramble. My psyche is a mess. Sometimes I don't know what to say or worry that what I might say is wrong so sometimes I am quiet so if I do the quiet thing I am struggling with my psyche. 

It is nice to know that others can relate because sometimes I wonder with all people's outrage over  sexual assault, abuse and domestic violence can they handle the truth of it? 

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Hi,

I don't think there's ever been anything withheld here at AS - I've seen many different types of ramblings in the time I've been here.  I understand that there's often a lot on one's chest, and I've always had the motto, 'better out than in!'  

This is why we're advised to put up a trigger warning if you're about to post something that may be difficult for another struggling member to read; we should all proceed at our own risk at all times but it does help to have an idea of what you'd like to discuss before we read a post...this way, someone can decide whether or not they would like to read your post now or save it for when they are in a better frame of mind.  

There is also the private messaging feature; if you feel you want to discuss something privately, you can always send a message to someone.  You simply hover over their screen name and on the bottom left of the little box, there's a 'message' icon. ;)

But don't keep everything bottled up inside...that's not healthy at all!

Yes, absolutely post when you're ready and only when you're ready!  But if there's something pressing that you think we can help with, just use your trigger warning and you're golden. (Put it in your post title, along with a brief description of what you feel may trigger...for example: Trigger warning: self injury, etc.)  As you look around the site and navigate the boards, you'll see a lot of these. 

Again, welcome, I hope you'll find you are in a safe place!

Capulet

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Hi AA welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what your father did to you. I am a survivor of CSA by my father too, I was around 4 when it started.  I  have often wonder how that little girl would be like too. You will find this a safe place and we are here for you.

Patricia

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15 minutes ago, patriciag said:

Hi AA welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what your father did to you. I am a survivor of CSA by my father too, I was around 4 when it started.  I  have often wonder how that little girl would be like too. You will find this a safe place and we are here for you.

Patricia

 I am so sorry as well. I have never known anyone besides me and my sisters who have been through this so it is comforting to hear that we are not alone.  

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18 hours ago, AloneandAnxious said:

Hi,

  I am new here.  I have been searching for a place for support. I do not know if anyone besides me and my sisters who experienced what we did.  Sometimes it it hard to talk to them though they have their own issues to work through.  

  I think I have been in denial for a long time about the impact of SA by my own father.  I had convinced myself that I had many things that other people like me had not had.  I had a supportive mother. My abuser was convicted (not for what he did to me and only served 3 years). I have been treated by counselors, therapists and psychiatrists so I must have beat this right? 

  Other events in my life I guess have exacerbated symptoms I have had for a long time like low self esteem, anxiety and depression to the point that I started looking back and asking myself, "Did I really beat this?" Actually my younger sister also helped in my looking back because up until that point I really wanted to believe that I was over this. 

 I feel a little in coming here and saying that I feel broken because I had things others like me did not. I do feel broken though. I am lost and don't know where to turn. My life has become one of fear and anxiety.  I have remembered things I don't want to remember.  I have felt such shame that I feel people can see something is wrong with me.  

  And I wonder what that little five year old girl was like before she learned to hide away in her head.  I wonder what she would be like if she never learned that.  Too late to change that but I wish I knew. 

Hi A&A,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you (and your sisters) experienced, but do know that you have found a supportive site. Our members are understanding and kind. Many of us, including myself have used denial...but it tends to be temporary. I wished we could just so easily move on, but unfortunately it hardly ever works that way. I understand your feelings...about feeling broken, but believe me your not. Reaching out and facing ugliness is not a move of someone who is broken, but someone with courage. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but believe me, I see it in you. The young five year old was young and impressionable and she hid for survival. Yes things could have been and should have been different for you, and I'm sorry you are now on this track. This healing path is possible and you have already started by reaching out. I wish you the very best as you continuing on this journey.

Mary

:notalone:

 

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Welcome to AS, @AloneandAnxious,

I hope you feel a bit less alone already :) You have found a supportive community here, and please don't feel that you have any less right to be here and to express your pain than anyone else just because you might have had some resources . I'm so glad you had a few good things in your life too, and some support,  but that doesn't take away the harm that was done to you, nor does it mean that you don't still need the particular kind of support you can get among peers who have been through similar traumas and who understand how you feel.  I wish you all the best in your healing. :notalone:

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3 minutes ago, silentg said:

Welcome to AS, @AloneandAnxious,

I hope you feel a bit less alone already :) You have found a supportive community here, and please don't feel that you have any less right to be here and to express your pain than anyone else just because you might have had some resources . I'm so glad you had a few good things in your life too, and some support,  but that doesn't take away the harm that was done to you, nor does it mean that you don't still need the particular kind of support you can get among peers who have been through similar traumas and who understand how you feel.  I wish you all the best in your healing. :notalone:

Thank you. I am a little overwhelmed by the support. I guess in my head I keep waiting for someone to tell me I have no right to feel this way or I am somehow wrong.  I know that this is the years of abuse I have experienced talking but somehow that knowledge does not lessen the power of that fear.  

  I do feel less alone.  Not always sure of how to respond with appropriate gratitude though or how to respond at all. Trying to find my voice but I am not sure when I lost it.  

  

  

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1 minute ago, AloneandAnxious said:

Thank you. I am a little overwhelmed by the support. I guess in my head I keep waiting for someone to tell me I have no right to feel this way or I am somehow wrong.  I know that this is the years of abuse I have experienced talking but somehow that knowledge does not lessen the power of that fear.  

  I do feel less alone.  Not always sure of how to respond with appropriate gratitude though or how to respond at all. Trying to find my voice but I am not sure when I lost it.  

  

  

You're welcome, and you're doing just fine in your responses, no worries. We respond as we are able to and I think many of us, myself certainly, are still muddling along trying to find our voices too.  I understand the feeling of 'having no right to feel this way' but how you feel is how you feel, and you deserve support the same as anyone else would.

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Welcome to AS!  You’re not alone here and I am truly sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced.  Best wishes on your healing journey.

PB 

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15 minutes ago, Painnbroken said:

Welcome to AS!  You’re not alone here and I am truly sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced.  Best wishes on your healing journey.

PB 

Thank you.  

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