Male Victim

[bonatom]

Hello All-

I wanted to share my story with the hopes of relating to others.

First off, I am a married male that was Assaulted by a female stranger. This has very hard and confusing for me...

background: I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and I was given Buspar to help allivate.  About a month after I started the medication, I went out with friends to a brewery. I was unaware of the dire interaction between Buspar and Alcohol... it’s not good. I was incoherent. Google it.

my friends were concerned about my well being and helped me order an Uber at about 10:30pm.  My Uber drive (female, heavier, about 15 years older than me - almost 50) started to drive me home, but at some point, she pulled over in a subdivision, got in the back and proceeded to have sex with me. I did not push her off or say no... but I don’t remember a lot of it. 

I have been living in hell... and in some really dark places. I have not told my wife but plan to this week...

sexual assault of men (by woman) is taboo and is rarely talked... I feel isolated 

thanks for listening 

[reglois]

   

[bonatom]

Thanks for the welcome reglois 

[CrimsonQ]

Hi, welcome. Assault is assault, whether a woman does it, whether a man does it. It's brave of you to talk about it. I hope you'll get the chance to tell your wife soon. We support you. Safe hugs.

(I think you can report the woman? Don't know much about Uber, but drivers can be ID'ed?). 

[bonatom]

Yes... I could absolutely report the driver as all trips are logged. My word against hers... 

i am telling my wife this week... it’s going to be hard... and my fear is that she won’t believe me. I have been married for 7 years and believe I have the equity in my marriage to warrant her support. 

I need her support to get through this.

Thank you for welcoming me...

[Iheartcupcakes]

I'm so very sorry that happened to you. 

You're right that it isn't talked about often. You are welcome here. We hear you and we believe you. 

[MeBeMary]

2 hours ago, bonatom said:

Hello All-

I wanted to share my story with the hopes of relating to others.

First off, I am a married male that was Assaulted by a female stranger. This has very hard and confusing for me...

background: I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and I was given Buspar to help allivate.  About a month after I started the medication, I went out with friends to a brewery. I was unaware of the dire interaction between Buspar and Alcohol... it’s not good. I was incoherent. Google it.

my friends were concerned about my well being and helped me order an Uber at about 10:30pm.  My Uber drive (female, heavier, about 15 years older than me - almost 50) started to drive me home, but at some point, she pulled over in a subdivision, got in the back and proceeded to have sex with me. I did not push her off or say no... but I don’t remember a lot of it. 

I have been living in hell... and in some really dark places. I have not told my wife but plan to this week...

sexual assault of men (by woman) is taboo and is rarely talked... I feel isolated 

thanks for listening 

Hi bonatom,

I am really sorry for the trauma you endured, but you will find plenty of support here. Our members are kind and understanding. I am sorry that female to male abuse is so taboo, even if it is so real and it does happen. You are validated here. Nobody had the right to take your choice away.  It takes great courage to tell anyone, I support your intent to reveal this experience with your wife. I do wish you the best as you begin your healing journey.

Mary

 

[Mischievous]

15 hours ago, bonatom said:

Hello All-

I wanted to share my story with the hopes of relating to others.

First, I want to congratulate you on your courage to talk about what was done to you. I can't possibly overstate that. You are VERY brave for finding this site, and posting your story. 

For most people, just stating the fact that they have been raped can be very difficult. Add in society's views on males, their masculinity, rape myths and views that woman are some how magically exempt from being perpetrators because they don't have a penis and it becomes painfully clear to me how much you are having to fight against. 

Please know this is a safe place and you have every right to your feelings. We believe you. And we will always believe you. I hope you can find some strength and validation in that knowledge. 

15 hours ago, bonatom said:

First off, I am a married male that was Assaulted by a female stranger. This has very hard and confusing for me...

background: I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and I was given Buspar to help allivate.  About a month after I started the medication, I went out with friends to a brewery. I was unaware of the dire interaction between Buspar and Alcohol... it’s not good. I was incoherent. Google it.

Please know that even if a male IS coherent, he can STILL be raped. And of course a female can be a rapist. 

15 hours ago, bonatom said:

my friends were concerned about my well being and helped me order an Uber at about 10:30pm.  My Uber drive (female, heavier, about 15 years older than me - almost 50) started to drive me home, but at some point, she pulled over in a subdivision, got in the back and proceeded to have sex with me. I did not push her off or say no... but I don’t remember a lot of it. 

Trauma can cause all kinds of holes in our memories. Add in drugs and alcohol and the effects can multiply. It's normal for victims to not remember details of their assault. It can even be normal to NOT remember most of it even if you WERE coherent during the attack. 

Many sexual assault victims did not, or could not say 'no'. An inability to physically push someone off or utter specific words (ESPECIALLY WHEN drugged and intoxicated) does not automatically equal consent. Many rapists and perpetrators will specifically target vulnerable individuals.

And I ask for forgiveness in advance if I offend or upset you for what I'm about to say, but I feel it is VERY important to say it.

That Uber driver did not "proceed to have sex with you". She raped you. Period. End of sentence. It was predatory behaviour. She was suppose to take you home. She was suppose to be a safe ride to make sure you got home in one piece. Instead she violated you. She saw an opportunity to take advantage of a person in a vulnerable state who would have a diminished ability to stop her and she raped you. 

I genuinely hope I did not trigger you or upset you with that statment.... but it is SO important to put a proper label on what was forced upon you. You did not consent. That makes it rape. 

It's very common for victims to have internalized a lot of rape myth and rape culture and then proceed to blame themselves for the assault. And I wanted to point out to you in the strongest terms I could, that what was done to you was NOT CONSENSUAL. You did NOT CONSENT. That is the very definition of rape. 

15 hours ago, bonatom said:

I have been living in hell... and in some really dark places. I have not told my wife but plan to this week...

sexual assault of men (by woman) is taboo and is rarely talked... I feel isolated 

thanks for listening 

I am so sorry for all the pain you have been going through. Please know this is a safe place to talk and share. And if you look around, you will find many stories that are similar to yours. 

Just because the human body may respond during an attack, that does not automatically equal consent. 

It is beyond unfortunate that society sees you telling your story as taboo. But please know, you are not alone. And you will find support here. 

I also encourage you to reach out to RAINN or another rape crisis center in your area and ask for help. They will keep your information confidential, and may be able to offer free or discounted therapy. Therapy saved my life. And it will truly help you with your healing journey. 

 

I wish you the best. 

 

Sincerely,

Misc.

[Painnbroken]

Welcome to AS! I’m truly sorry for the trauma you’ve endured. You’ve found a supportive place. You’re not alone here.  Best wishes on your healing journey. 

PB

[splitperson3]

Hi Bonatom,

I have had both m and f perpetrators.  The females are harder for me to talk about.  Much harder.

take care...

Kevin

[silentg]

23 hours ago, bonatom said:

sexual assault of men (by woman) is taboo and is rarely talked... I feel isolated 

So true, it's unfortunate that this is the case, but we here know that this happens and it has devastating consequences. I am sure you will find others here who can relate to what you are going through. The isolation can be really tough.

I am sorry for what you endured, but I welcome you to AS,  and hope you will find that we are a supportive community and safe place for you to talk about your experiences and your feelings and be validated, believed and supported..

I wish you the best on your healing journey.

[bonatom]

Wow... I am truly overwhelmed by the support.   I just started seeking counseling (2 weeks).  The blaming myself is hard (i.e. Why did I have to drink that much!; I could have pushed her off, etc) .  The "Rational" side of me knows I am not to blame... I was Drunk and Drugged and needed a safe ride home.  Not to be raped and exposed to STDs. I did not seduce my driver... I was slurring so bad... I am not sure I knew my own name.  There is no gray area....

[elisand]

there are terrible people everywhere. sending support

[AutumnM]

I’m so sorry   Please hang on. *safe hugs*

[Struggling88]

Hi, bonatom, and welcome! 

[Iheartcupcakes]

22 hours ago, bonatom said:

Wow... I am truly overwhelmed by the support.   I just started seeking counseling (2 weeks).  The blaming myself is hard (i.e. Why did I have to drink that much!; I could have pushed her off, etc) .  The "Rational" side of me knows I am not to blame... I was Drunk and Drugged and needed a safe ride home.  Not to be raped and exposed to STDs. I did not seduce my driver... I was slurring so bad... I am not sure I knew my own name.  There is no gray area....

Exactly...there is NO gray area and you are NOT to blame. 

[patriciag]

Hi bonatom welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what happened to you. The sad part it's more common than people know. Thank you for courage for telling your story. It may help others. You will find support here. Good luck on telling your wife, I  know it's hard, as hard as it was it was best thing when I told my husband. 

Patricia