Jump to content
HonestHeart

Hoping I belong

Recommended Posts

So I just joined, and I'm feeling anxious about being here.  I never thought I would join anything like this, but my therapist thought it might be helpful, and I trust her,  so I'm giving it a shot. 

I am a survivor of long-term CSA, and I recently started dealing with my abuse, as well as the emotionally abusive household in which I grew up.  I had no idea when I started my journey that it would be so hard.  I guess I did such a good job of stuffing things down that I didn't know how much or what was in there.  It feels like I'm always finding some new pocket of hurt and pain.  Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the bottom.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, so I'm really hoping to find that I belong here.  Other than my therapist and my husband, I have no one else to talk to, as all of my relationships seem to fail.  I just feel so alone.  Some days are so incredibly hard and painful.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my past and its aftermath.  I believe the healing journey is worth it, but it sure is hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello HonestHeart,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured as a child and the struggles you still face. Do know that you have found a very supportive site with understanding and kind members. You are not alone. Many of us know about trying to stuff things down, but it always seems to find a way to spill out. I am very glad your T recommended you join and you decided to do so. It is a hard road, you are right, but you took another step today. I wish you the very best as you continue this journey in healing.

Mary

:notalone:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi honestheart and welcome to AS. I'm really sorry for all the trauma you have had to endure. You definetly belong here. I remember when I first joined thinking I wouldn't fit in or that no one was gonna be able to understand or that I'd be able to connect with anyone, the people here on AS are extremely caring and very supportive. Take your time getting to know the site don't rush anything take your time and share as much or as little as you like. :notalone:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your kindness, and for making me feel welcome.  I'm finding my way around a little bit at a time.  Thanks, @Oneinamillion for suggesting not rushing anything.  Good advice, cause there's lots here and it's kinda overwhelming.  But the more I look around, the more I'm finding that I'm definitely not alone.  So sad that there are so many of us that find ourselves belonging to this group, but comforting to know we are all in this together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honest Heart, it makes sense you would feel sort of anxious being here. This is after all a space filled with strangers at first. Doing something different can be not very easy all the time as well. You have showed such strength coming to introduce yourself even despite your worries. Though I am so sorry for what brought you here in the first place. I am also a victim of abuse while being a child and had my innocence stolen at way too early of an age. 

One of the most challenging parts perhaps of all this is that lack of control that tends to come up. Not easy when new things seem to come up all the time when we are least expecting. This makes it extra hard perhaps to find any sort of stability. I tried to escape my thoughts and push them to the side for so many years without realizing that this would never truly help most going forward. What is best may not always be the easiest.

I have also always felt like I've never fit in. There really is a sense of loneliness that this can produce. No one will ever truly get what we are fully feeling nor what we've been through. That being said, there is some comfort I've recently taken as a result from being here knowing I am not really generally alone.

:luck:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, HonestHeart, and welcome! :wave:  I am a survivor of CSA too and can relate to your post. I hope you find you fit in here (although I’m sorry for what happened to you to belong here). 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
46 minutes ago, Struggling88 said:

Hi, HonestHeart, and welcome! :wave:  I am a survivor of CSA too and can relate to your post. I hope you find you fit in here (although I’m sorry for what happened to you to belong here). 

@Struggling88...thank you for the welcome.  I am finding that I fit in here.  Seems like we're all in a very similar boat.  I'm sorry for what happened to you to qualify you for membership, too.  I'm sorry for all of us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/27/2018 at 12:00 AM, HonestHeart said:

I am a survivor of long-term CSA, and I recently started dealing with my abuse, as well as the emotionally abusive household in which I grew up.  I had no idea when I started my journey that it would be so hard.  I guess I did such a good job of stuffing things down that I didn't know how much or what was in there.  It feels like I'm always finding some new pocket of hurt and pain.  Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the bottom.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, so I'm really hoping to find that I belong here.  Other than my therapist and my husband, I have no one else to talk to, as all of my relationships seem to fail.  I just feel so alone.  Some days are so incredibly hard and painful.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my past and its aftermath.  I believe the healing journey is worth it, but it sure is hard.

I think here is the safest place in the world. I hope you will feel that way too.

It's so hard. I sometimes think that if i would have known how hard it would be i wouldn't have started. 

But now i am at a stage where i can see a future in the distance.

:supportu:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/26/2018 at 5:00 PM, HonestHeart said:

So I just joined, and I'm feeling anxious about being here.  I never thought I would join anything like this, but my therapist thought it might be helpful, and I trust her,  so I'm giving it a shot. 

I am a survivor of long-term CSA, and I recently started dealing with my abuse, as well as the emotionally abusive household in which I grew up.  I had no idea when I started my journey that it would be so hard.  I guess I did such a good job of stuffing things down that I didn't know how much or what was in there.  It feels like I'm always finding some new pocket of hurt and pain.  Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the bottom.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, so I'm really hoping to find that I belong here.  Other than my therapist and my husband, I have no one else to talk to, as all of my relationships seem to fail.  I just feel so alone.  Some days are so incredibly hard and painful.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my past and its aftermath.  I believe the healing journey is worth it, but it sure is hard.

HonestHeart welcome to AS!  I am truly sorry for the trauma you’ve endured.  You’ve found a supportive safe place where many of us can relate.  I’ve been where you are right now and it’s not easy, but being here will and can help.  Please know you’re not alone here and we are supporting you through everything.   When I first joined AS was my last hope.  AS has saved me in so many ways.  Please know that you can say as much or as little as you like.  Your post I can relate too.  Once again I am truly sorry and wishing the best on your healing journey. 

PB 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Honestheart , welcome, I am new here too, life can seem so unfair at times, but I keep remembering that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Like you I had longterm CSA and I thought I had become somewhat Normal, but recent events have just compounded everything. All the best with your journey to wellness. Look forward to chatting sometime.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Nuggart Hi, and thanks for the welcome.  Welcome to you, too.  So sorry that you are also a survivor of long-term CSA.  I guess it's true that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but it sure can knock us way the hell down!!  I, too, had some events occur that really compounded everything.  It was then that I realized that my past was not normal, and that I was gonna have to deal with it.  I just couldn't deal with it being hidden away any longer.  So here I am on this long, hard journey to wellness.  I'm glad to be here with you and so many others.  Look forward to chatting with you some time as well.  I wish you all the best with your journey!! 

HH

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×