New here and welcome advice

[EvaMillie]

Hi, I'm new here and am happy to have found this community. 

I've recently finally taken the steps to start living life properly and am in therapy for the first time. Has anyone else found it incredibly difficult to open up in therapy? I have shared with my therapist about depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm which are things that I'm also ashamed of. But no matter how much I try I haven't been able to tell her about the childhood R from so many years ago. I need to talk about in therapy because I'm still suffering from shame, guilt and self hatred.

 I welcome all your comments and advice 

[MeBeMary]

Hi EvaMillie,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you experienced as a child, but you will find tons of support. Our members are understanding and kind. I can't answer specifically about talking about this type of trauma (I have not been in therapy), but in general I can say that this is extremely difficult to do with anyone. You should not be ashamed of any aspect of trauma, as it was not of your doing...but yet, we do. It's an unearned shame and it feels so real, but the shame truly goes to those who hurt us. I admire you for wanting to face this, and yes, it is so very difficult. I can suggest, as I have heard others find it easier to do, is to perhaps to write a note or email to your T to start the conversation. If it is still hard to discuss, keep using this format until you feel comfortable saying the words. If you have a good relationship, she should be willing to work with you on this.

I find you have great courage to want to deal with this and to also reach out here. You are taking big steps, steps on the path of healing. I wish you the best on this journey.

Mary

 

[Capulet]

Welcome to AS, @EvaMillie,

I think we have all struggled with therapy at one point or another.  It certainly is a huge step to take just to get there, to your T's office, so good for you for getting there!  This is one of the hardest first steps to take.  Now about being able to talk about things that happened in childhood...take your time; these things can't be rushed.  Just proceed with what you're comfortable with, perhaps as a little more time goes by and you've developed a rapport with your therapist, you'll feel a little more comfortable talking about the deeper, more traumatic things.  Speaking of a traumatic event sooner rather than later is not going to 'erase' it; it will remain with you forever.  In order to heal, you need to build up to it and be ready for the flood of emotions that you'll likely feel when you are ready to tackle the topic of your childhood experience.  So, proceed at your own pace!  I wish you lots of luck with therapy, and again, pat yourself on the back for taking that leap!

This is a great site to be a part of.  I hope being here brings you comfort and you find the support you need!

Best,

Capulet

[Painnbroken]

10 hours ago, EvaMillie said:

Hi, I'm new here and am happy to have found this community. 

I've recently finally taken the steps to start living life properly and am in therapy for the first time. Has anyone else found it incredibly difficult to open up in therapy? I have shared with my therapist about depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm which are things that I'm also ashamed of. But no matter how much I try I haven't been able to tell her about the childhood R from so many years ago. I need to talk about in therapy because I'm still suffering from shame, guilt and self hatred.

 I welcome all your comments and advice 

Welcome to AS!  I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve endured.  I’ve found it rather difficult to open up in therapy.  At first we just sat there staring at one another.  She would ask me questions and I tried to avoid them as much as possible. I’ve been through different ones.  I found one that I could open up too.  I still find it rather difficult at times to talk about certain things.  I can do relate to the shame, guilt and self hatred.  Just know you’re not alone with that.  All I can suggest is take your time and if you don’t feel comfortable enough with this therapist you can look into seeing another one if you need too.  Remember you’re in charge you have control over this.  Not sure if I’m helpful to you or not. Best wishes on your healing journey. 

PB 

[silentg]

Hi @EvaMillie and welcome to AS,

It takes a lot of courage to even get to the T's office, so go easy on yourself and take it slowly, when you feel safe you will find it easier to share more.  It is tricky to find the balance of opening up too much too soon or just enough....you need to feel like you can trust your T, and that takes time, as it should. When you were young someone taught you it was not safe to trust. Most T's understand that it takes time, and sometimes talking about the 'process' of getting there can be helpful, without having to say where 'there' is.  I relate to the shame and anxiety, for me that took time in T but it happened eventually as I felt safer.  There is no rush to disclose.  Sometimes sharing little bits and pieces here or being part of this community can help you feel less alone and that was one thing that helped me with the shame I felt originally. I don't feel anyone else here should be ashamed of what was done to them, so it got a bit easier for me to feel less shame about what happened to me too. I hope that you find this a supportive place.

[Lindiana]

I'm new here as well..I know what you mean about it being hard to open up to someone. It would be difficult with someone you really know well or even a perfect stranger..I find it hard to just hear myself say the words out loud, and what I experienced I know isn't all that horrific compared to what so many others have. I think it's good you have found this board, everyone seems very nice and supportive. No advice on the therapy from me as I have never been..just reaching out for safe hugs if that's ok 

[EvaMillie]

Thanks so much for your kind responses, 

@Lindiana It's nice to meet someone else new. It is hard to open up, but we're starting to do it on this forum and I think we should be proud of ourselves for that. My experience hasn't been that horrific either but sometimes how we suffer after the experience can make it worse. Everyone has a different experience and I'm starting to learn not to compare myself to others because that isn't going to help in my recovery. I'm sorry for the suffering that you've experienced. Giving safe hugs back 

[EvaMillie]

20 hours ago, silentg said:

Hi @EvaMillie and welcome to AS,

It takes a lot of courage to even get to the T's office, so go easy on yourself and take it slowly, when you feel safe you will find it easier to share more.  It is tricky to find the balance of opening up too much too soon or just enough....you need to feel like you can trust your T, and that takes time, as it should. When you were young someone taught you it was not safe to trust. Most T's understand that it takes time, and sometimes talking about the 'process' of getting there can be helpful, without having to say where 'there' is.  I relate to the shame and anxiety, for me that took time in T but it happened eventually as I felt safer.  There is no rush to disclose.  Sometimes sharing little bits and pieces here or being part of this community can help you feel less alone and that was one thing that helped me with the shame I felt originally. I don't feel anyone else here should be ashamed of what was done to them, so it got a bit easier for me to feel less shame about what happened to me too. I hope that you find this a supportive place.

Those are very wise words @silentg thank you for taking the time to respond. It's helpful to remember that I need to be kind to myself in this process too. I tend to always beat myself up for things, even going to therapy. I had been thinking of going to a different T because the one I am seeing right now specializes in weight management and doesn't work much with trauma. So I am going to change my T and hopefully will be share a little bit more as I get used to it. I totally agree that no one else should feel ashamed. I'm already learning so much and feeling very supported so thank you again. 

[EvaMillie]

21 hours ago, Painnbroken said:

Welcome to AS!  I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve endured.  I’ve found it rather difficult to open up in therapy.  At first we just sat there staring at one another.  She would ask me questions and I tried to avoid them as much as possible. I’ve been through different ones.  I found one that I could open up too.  I still find it rather difficult at times to talk about certain things.  I can do relate to the shame, guilt and self hatred.  Just know you’re not alone with that.  All I can suggest is take your time and if you don’t feel comfortable enough with this therapist you can look into seeing another one if you need too.  Remember you’re in charge you have control over this.  Not sure if I’m helpful to you or not. Best wishes on your healing journey. 

PB 

Thanks @Painbroken I'm sorry for your trauma and also finding it difficult to open up. I also definitely avoid questions and have become very good at laughing, smiling and making conversation to mask how I'm really feeling. That's how we function after the trauma as a survival mechanism but for me it seems to have become a way of living. Thanks for the encouragement to take my time and look into a different T, I will definitely do that. Thanks so much for the help and take care. 

[MJbubbles]

Hi @EvaMillie, I'm new to the AS community too. 

Just today I've had a breakthrough with my therapist, as due to circumstances it became really clear that I can't talk about what happened or say it out loud. (I thought I could and I thought i was, but really the sessions were going no where)

However, after completing one of the excercises she set me, it showed us both that I can write about what happened/my emotions/ where my head is at etc.  Therefore im now going down that route.  

As it only happened today, I can't vouch that it will work, but maybe an idea for you to take to your therapist? 

Hope that things do become easier for you.

MJ x

 

[Struggling88]

Hi, EvaMillie, and welcome!  

[HonestHeart]

Hi EvaMillie,

I am new here, too.  Welcome!

I have been in therapy for about 4 years, and it is still hard to open up.  I am on my second therapist; she is wonderful and I really trust her.  However, there are some things that are extremely difficult and painful to talk about.  Sometimes I sit there and say nothing while crying buckets of tears, and other times I intentionally steer the conversation to piddly s**t because I'm so uncomfortable.  I always go with the intention of being open, but it doesn't always happen, much as I want it to.

I, too, still suffer from shame, guilt, and self-hatred, and I think that self-hatred makes for some big problems for me.  It tends to shut me down because I'm so busy having an internal fight with myself about how I'm stupid, how no one wants to hear what I have to say, how I'm gonna get hurt if I'm honest, etc.  I don't know if anyone else experiences that, but I've noticed that about myself lately.  It makes therapy very difficult sometimes.

I think you have to go at your own pace, and try to be patient with yourself and the process.  I know that's hard.  I often feel like I just want to hurry up and be done.  But these are your innermost, very private and personal thoughts, feelings, and memories, and you get to choose when you share them.  Try to give yourself the same grace you would give someone else in the same situation.  That's also hard.  You'll disclose more when you're ready.  Do what's comfortable for you.  Hang in there!!