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WhoAmI?

As my name says, I’m trying to figure out Who I am?

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On 1/20/2018 at 1:46 AM, WhoAmI? said:

Intimacy for me has been a huge problem. I know i should not compare but people I’ve met in my past didn’t want to be touched at all because it brought back awful memories. I think I’ve suppressed everything for so long that I feel nothing regarding intimacy. Ever since then it’s just be an act, nothing special nothing more...I just can’t connect on an emotional level that way. I don’t want to blame ALL of my problems on what happened to me because I feel like sometimes it just sounds like an excuse. 

Questions I ask myself all the time:

Why can’t I be more faithful? Why cant I love and feel loved? Why do I still make the stupid decisions today that don’t benefit me at all? Why do I always have this desire to please everyone? 

Just things I think of a lot. Although I’ve discussed what happened to me with my spouse, I feel like having these discussions would make life more difficult and possibly end my marriage. Life is so tough. 

Yes, our emotions are totally ---------'d up. 

And people told me that not all my problems are results of abuse. It took me a long time to realize they were wrong and i was right. it's not about blaming yourself. Considering the questions you are asking yourself it is pretty clear that the abuse you endured were deeply affecting you. So probably a lot more than what even you realized about yourself was affected. (talk about support!).

But really love and connection are so hard for us for more than 1 reason.

It has to do with trust,

and possibly depression

and possibly not knowing one's own personality

and could be from being frozen in certain ways by the abuse in emotional brain development

and also that one tries to freeze emotions bec. it's too painful

and because one keeps telling himself how he is a piece of garbage.

So you get an idea of how f----'d up we might be. It might be liberating- it truly is not my fault.

That doesn't mean one shouldn't try to make a better life for themselves.

did you start therapy?

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On 1/19/2018 at 7:07 PM, GaleH said:

A lot of times affairs are with abusive guys. Like i bet the affair guy coheresed you 

Oh yes very much so! He was manipulative. Former cop as well. A year after I broke it off he shot and killed his 14 year old daughter, his best friend and also shot his friend’s wife but she survived, then he went in a field and committed suicide. 

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5 hours ago, elisand said:

Yes, our emotions are totally ---------'d up. 

And people told me that not all my problems are results of abuse. It took me a long time to realize they were wrong and i was right. it's not about blaming yourself. Considering the questions you are asking yourself it is pretty clear that the abuse you endured were deeply affecting you. So probably a lot more than what even you realized about yourself was affected. (talk about support!).

But really love and connection are so hard for us for more than 1 reason.

It has to do with trust,

and possibly depression

and possibly not knowing one's own personality

and could be from being frozen in certain ways by the abuse in emotional brain development

and also that one tries to freeze emotions bec. it's too painful

and because one keeps telling himself how he is a piece of garbage.

So you get an idea of how f----'d up we might be. It might be liberating- it truly is not my fault.

That doesn't mean one shouldn't try to make a better life for themselves.

did you start therapy?

I did not actually start therapy. This is the first step I’ve taken and since it’s technically hidden in keeping it a secret. 

He wasn’t supportive of my starting counseling even for myself because he’s concerned I’ll leave him. (He’s not abusive, he’s been pretty good to me) I think he’s just worried I’ll talk about our marriage and the counselor will advise against it. 

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On 1/19/2018 at 7:50 PM, Free2Fly said:

hi welcome to as @WhoAmI?, i would like to think we make ourselves who we are name and ages are just presets.

safe hugs if okay?

people keep telling me im "mad" or "im crazy" well ya that who i am i guess.

Hugs are always welcome. I get told I’m f***** Up all the time and not normal so who knows. 

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On 1/20/2018 at 10:37 AM, Oneinamillion said:

Welcone to AS. Sorry for the trauma that brought you here. Your not alone. Everyone has a story to tell, here you are free to share a little of it or a lot when and how ever you want to. Lots of supporting and caring people that can relate listen let you cry on their shoulders and even offer guidance and lift you when your low. You took a big step in reaching out here on AS and a brave step with this post so Congradulations on your bravery.

Thank you so much. I think I’m ready to tell my whole story for the first time. I’ll do that in the correct forum though. I’ve never been able to tell anyone the entire story.,

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10 minutes ago, WhoAmI? said:

Hugs are always welcome. I get told I’m f***** Up all the time and not normal so who knows. 

safe hugs :hug:, well being F***** up is better than being their stupid normal.

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Who I am,

Welcome, Keep talking, keep reaching out.  Being unaware of who we are seems to be a pattern for most of us.

Great place to start self discovery is right here.

"We're only as sick as the secrets we keep"...a quote that helped me in my healing process. 

The more secrets I told...the more space in my head for my true self to emerge.

Alphabet Soup

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15 hours ago, Alphabet Soup said:

Who I am,

Welcome, Keep talking, keep reaching out.  Being unaware of who we are seems to be a pattern for most of us.

Great place to start self discovery is right here.

"We're only as sick as the secrets we keep"...a quote that helped me in my healing process. 

The more secrets I told...the more space in my head for my true self to emerge.

Alphabet Soup

Thank you so much!  I was able to share my story in the proper forum and honestly I already feel like a weight has been lifted.  I'm still trying to figure out "who I am".  I think maybe I'm somewhere in between who I was and who I am now, I just got to sort it out along with everything else.  Just being able to talk to someone has made a world of difference. 

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