As my name says, I’m trying to figure out Who I am?

[WhoAmI?]

I’m a survivor (if you can call it surviving) of R from my first boyfriend and from being SM by my father until I was old enough to drive. Not sure how much I want to put here but this happened many many years ago but I’m married now with children of my own and it’s a daily struggle just being me. I’ve never had professional help and didn’t share what happened to me with my husband until we had been married for 10 years. As you can see I’ve been dealing with it on my own which isn’t working so I guess I’m just looking for a shoulder who understands where I’m coming from. 

Thank you. 

[fallenstar]

2 hours ago, WhoAmI? said:

I’m a survivor (if you can call it surviving) of R from my first boyfriend and from being SM by my father until I was old enough to drive. Not sure how much I want to put here but this happened many many years ago but I’m married now with children of my own and it’s a daily struggle just being me. I’ve never had professional help and didn’t share what happened to me with my husband until we had been married for 10 years. As you can see I’ve been dealing with it on my own which isn’t working so I guess I’m just looking for a shoulder who understands where I’m coming from. 

Thank you. 

Welcome to After Silence! I am so sorry about what you've endured, you've had it rough. I'm happy you've decided to join AS and not carry all of this on your own anymore. I'm also glad you were able to share your past with your husband. This is a very supportive, non-judgmental and caring place for survivors from all backgrounds. You'll find you're not alone. After so much trauma, it's easy to lose sight of who we are. I hope that soon you will come to know yourself and that healing will come to you. Best wishes to you as you heal.

[GaleH]

HI welcome you are safe here  

i stuggle with identity too. I have been trying to discover what i like and my style but it's a struggle. I have read that self care can help with discovering identity. Also, I've been taking personaity tests and looking at scent and fragrance charts to help discover myself. 

https://www.16personalities.com/

http://www.thehotline.org/2016/03/31/5-self-care-tips-for-abuse-and-trauma-survivors/

http://visual-therapy.com/blog/style-type-quiz/

 

Edited January 17, 2018 by GaleH

[MeBeMary]

3 hours ago, WhoAmI? said:

I’m a survivor (if you can call it surviving) of R from my first boyfriend and from being SM by my father until I was old enough to drive. Not sure how much I want to put here but this happened many many years ago but I’m married now with children of my own and it’s a daily struggle just being me. I’ve never had professional help and didn’t share what happened to me with my husband until we had been married for 10 years. As you can see I’ve been dealing with it on my own which isn’t working so I guess I’m just looking for a shoulder who understands where I’m coming from. 

Thank you. 

Hi WhoAmI?,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for all the traumas you have endured, but you have found a very supportive site. You are not alone. Our members are kind and understanding. I was very similar to you when I found AS. I struggled with dealing with the trauma on my own. I was so surprised at how AS was and is able to help me. It takes courage to reach out, and I wish you much healing on this journey.

Mary

[WhoAmI?]

2 hours ago, GaleH said:

HI welcome you are safe here  

i stuggle with identity too. I have been trying to discover what i like and my style but it's a struggle. I have read that self care can help with discovering identity. Also, I've been taking personaity tests and looking at scent and fragrance charts to help discover myself. 

https://www.16personalities.com/

http://www.thehotline.org/2016/03/31/5-self-care-tips-for-abuse-and-trauma-survivors/

http://visual-therapy.com/blog/style-type-quiz/

 

Thank you! I just took that personality quiz and I admit it’s pretty spot on. I’ve spent most of my life being whatever everyone wanted me to be so I don’t know who I am anymore. 

[WhoAmI?]

1 hour ago, MeBeMary said:

Hi WhoAmI?,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for all the traumas you have endured, but you have found a very supportive site. You are not alone. Our members are kind and understanding. I was very similar to you when I found AS. I struggled with dealing with the trauma on my own. I was so surprised at how AS was and is able to help me. It takes courage to reach out, and I wish you much healing on this journey.

Mary

Thank you so much! I’m trying to be optimistic and hopefully it will improve my life. I figure it definitely can’t hurt being here. 

[WhoAmI?]

2 hours ago, fallenstar said:

Welcome to After Silence! I am so sorry about what you've endured, you've had it rough. I'm happy you've decided to join AS and not carry all of this on your own anymore. I'm also glad you were able to share your past with your husband. This is a very supportive, non-judgmental and caring place for survivors from all backgrounds. You'll find you're not alone. After so much trauma, it's easy to lose sight of who we are. I hope that soon you will come to know yourself and that healing will come to you. Best wishes to you as you heal.

Thank you so much. I’m trying my best to be optimistic and positive and I figure being here can’t hurt. 

[GaleH]

10 minutes ago, WhoAmI? said:

Thank you! I just took that personality quiz and I admit it’s pretty spot on. I’ve spent most of my life being whatever everyone wanted me to be so I don’t know who I am anymore. 

Yeah my abuser had narcissistic personality disorder. I've read that most abusers have an empathy impairment. So most have a personality disorder. I've read that narcs hijack every moment of every day. That's how my abuser was. She controlled everything about me. Triggering: what I wore, ate, stood, everything. So since I didn't have any room to find out what I like 

[Painnbroken]

16 hours ago, WhoAmI? said:

I’m a survivor (if you can call it surviving) of R from my first boyfriend and from being SM by my father until I was old enough to drive. Not sure how much I want to put here but this happened many many years ago but I’m married now with children of my own and it’s a daily struggle just being me. I’ve never had professional help and didn’t share what happened to me with my husband until we had been married for 10 years. As you can see I’ve been dealing with it on my own which isn’t working so I guess I’m just looking for a shoulder who understands where I’m coming from. 

Thank you. 

Welcome to AS!  I am truly sorry for all that you’ve endured.  I understand the struggles way to well, but please know you’re not alone with them.  You’ve found a safe place where others can relate in their own why.  There is no judgement here.  Please take your time and look around.   Wishing you the best on your healing journey. 

PB. 

[elisand]

Hi @WhoAmI?, it must have been so tough going through life w/o support.

I hope you heal and discover a very special identity about yourself. 

[WhoAmI?]

11 hours ago, GaleH said:

Yeah my abuser had narcissistic personality disorder. I've read that most abusers have an empathy impairment. So most have a personality disorder. I've read that narcs hijack every moment of every day. That's how my abuser was. She controlled everything about me. Triggering: what I wore, ate, stood, everything. So since I didn't have any room to find out what I like 

Wow. I am so sorry you had to endure that. Do you feel like you gravitate towards people with a controlling personality now? I only ask because I know I do. My husband now (not an abuser) makes my decisions for me. It’s weird though that I gravitated to him but at the same time I hate that about him. I think maybe I was used to be told what to do so initially it was easy. Now I push back and get upset...pretty sure he doesn’t completely understand why. 

[GaleH]

8 hours ago, WhoAmI? said:

Wow. I am so sorry you had to endure that. Do you feel like you gravitate towards people with a controlling personality now? I only ask because I know I do. My husband now (not an abuser) makes my decisions for me. It’s weird though that I gravitated to him but at the same time I hate that about him. I think maybe I was used to be told what to do so initially it was easy. Now I push back and get upset...pretty sure he doesn’t completely understand why. 

Well I would look into finding out if you are a empath. Which is what I am. Just very aware of other people's feelings. And can read people very well. Empaths will stay with a narcissist instead of leave. check it out: https://pairedlife.com/misc/the-narcissist-and-the-empath

i would also go to the love is respect website. It shows you what is abuse, verses what is just unhealthy. If you are aware of those fine lines, you will be able to better put up boundaries. Because my abuser would regularly cross them, as well as my parents, I have a hard time telling when my boundary has been crossed. I check in with how you feel. Your feelings are a direct indicator that something need to change.

even though your current husband isn't obviously abusive, it sounds like he's crossing some boundaries. You are the only one who knows what's best for your body and style and self. If he polices your appearance or tells you what to do you be HIGHLY suspect. 

You could also Chat with loveisrespect they are very good at telling you if your situation isn't healthy and offer support 

[WhoAmI?]

16 hours ago, GaleH said:

Well I would look into finding out if you are a empath. Which is what I am. Just very aware of other people's feelings. And can read people very well. Empaths will stay with a narcissist instead of leave. check it out: https://pairedlife.com/misc/the-narcissist-and-the-empath

i would also go to the love is respect website. It shows you what is abuse, verses what is just unhealthy. If you are aware of those fine lines, you will be able to better put up boundaries. Because my abuser would regularly cross them, as well as my parents, I have a hard time telling when my boundary has been crossed. I check in with how you feel. Your feelings are a direct indicator that something need to change.

even though your current husband isn't obviously abusive, it sounds like he's crossing some boundaries. You are the only one who knows what's best for your body and style and self. If he polices your appearance or tells you what to do you be HIGHLY suspect. 

You could also Chat with loveisrespect they are very good at telling you if your situation isn't healthy and offer support 

So after reading and re-reading the site you attached, it does appear that I am an empath.  My husband on the other hand doesn't seem to fit the narcissist personality type.  I should mention although he was somewhat controlling in the beginning, it got worse once I had an affair.  Because of what I did, I caused him to act the way he does.  So I think what is most unhealthy about our relationship is my actions caused him to isolate me from basically everyone and I guess that's the main reason I'm here.  I once suggested I go to counseling to see if I can figure out why I do the things I do and he wasn't supportive.  I think he was worried the counselor would think our relationship was unhealthy and I'd leave him.  Anyway..I feel as though I'm rambling.  Thank you for your support. 

[WhoAmI?]

17 hours ago, Ian37 said:

Who Am I, one of the things that traumatic abuse tends to do is change us to the core. Meaning that who we were before is no longer there going forward. There can be some sense of overwhelming stress in that. 

However, maybe being different going forward does not have to always be a negative. Not to dismiss or minimize anything of course. Just that perhaps there is still a chance of us finding ourselves once again. Even during those times where we feel we've got the least of all.

As for the whole controlling thing. I look back on my own life and I've definitely gravitated toward stronger personalities when it comes to relationships. Maybe this comes from feeling that my voice does still does not deserve to be heard and that I should be happy for any simple kind of attention. Which perhaps stems from my not feeling comfortable speaking at all while I was young and during all of that abuse.

Then, I think that my stubborn selfishness comes forth and that is where I've tended to get defensive when feeling threatened in any shape or form. I simply need to get better at this and sincerely embrace those who even have the patience to deal with me.

 

Stress is a good word to describe it.  I've had major stomach issues for years and after many trips to the doctors to see what's going on they have put me on an anti-depressant.  Supposed to help reduce stress which in turn helps my nervous stomach.  It's hard to explain to a doctor what exactly I'm dealing with daily in my head that is causing so much stress.  Anyway..so far so good on the medicine. 

I feel like what you wrote regarding gravitating towards stronger personalities, could have been my words.  After reading them it actually sounded like I had wrote it. 

Thank you for your response.  It gave me something else to think about. 

[WhoAmI?]

On ‎1‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 6:32 AM, elisand said:

Hi @WhoAmI?, it must have been so tough going through life w/o support.

I hope you heal and discover a very special identity about yourself. 

Thank you so much.  It means a lot just to be able to talk to someone. 

[WhoAmI?]

3 hours ago, Ian37 said:

Who Am I, glad to offer at least some possible perspective. Stress and I have never been the best of friends. I do think it has helped me along the way at times even still. Not all that may be best for us is something that's recognized necessarily right away.

I have had a lot of stomach issues as well on this end and can relate to that even if only in general. What is even more frustrating is that there is really no consistency with it.  I've been told that this relates to stress. Though it may play some sort of role, I fail to fully see how it is also the only one.

It's interesting that you can relate to the whole stronger personality thing. I got with all the wrong women and was used to being treated in a certain way. Not until my most recent relationship was there really a single soul who was right for me as a result. I do realize as a result of her that not all strong souls for someone like us are bound to be a bad thing. Just perhaps something to be a little more aware of.

I actually enjoy the thought of someone else making decisions at times and of being kind of a follower. Which I am sure stems from my abusive childhood. However, I also have those moments in which I'm more prone to assert myself. Ones that seem to have become a bit more prominent over time. Finding that thing called balance is bound to be quite a challenge as a result.

Happy that the medicine has proven to provide some help. What we go through can really mess one up rather bad. When it comes to others within our lives, it likely takes a rather special individual who is able to put up with some of the challenges presented as a result. All that being said. It still seems as if I have been my own worst enemy.

 

 

Oh yeah In regards to my stomach issues: I’ve had my gallbladder removed and been tested for food allergies in addition to an upper GI..essentially we ruled out everything else. Anyway enough of that..

When you write it sounds like you are an actual counselor. I want to someday be able to offer some support for others but I honestly feel like I’m so messed up that I can’t help anyone. 

I went from being the girl that wanted to wait until I was married then after the R I didn’t care anymore. I’m not proud of my actions after and I feel like maybe who I really am lies somewhere in the middle but I can’t seem to figure it out. I know I’m not happy and if I knew what I could do to get there I’d already done it. 

I do greatly appreciate your response though. I tend to be a bit naive sometimes and think nobody knows how I feel but joining the site obviously opened my eyes even more. I just had no idea how many their were..

 

[WhoAmI?]

1 hour ago, Ian37 said:

Who Am I, cannot even imagine what it must have been like to have that removed and I'm so sorry to hear of this news. I remember having that exact Upper GI Test you happen to speak of and them not finding anything at all. Which was and is incredibly frustrating to be honest since my stomach issues have always remained persistent and I cannot find any kind of pattern in why it is. 

I am actually an educator on this end but have always wanted to go into counseling. I've tended to always be okay when it comes to giving others advice. Just have had an issue when it comes to taking care of my own self. Still, helping others and being there has always made me feel at least a little better and that perhaps is what this is all about.

Please try not to be hard on yourself for not helping others more at this time. You are going through a lot on that end from what it sounds like. None of us are the same and thus we perhaps should not compare ourselves to anyone nor anything else as a result. What is best for you right now is something which cannot help but be purely personal.

There is a lot in life I regret on this end as well. Always easier to look back on something after the fact though and harder to get right within that rushed moment. One of the areas affected most as a result of all this is intimacy and sexuality and this has no doubt been the case with me. All of this part with my life has up till now existed in embarrassed secrecy and I have not been able to enjoy direct intimacy in a happy and heathy way as a result.

The middle can always be a good place to be since it is not filled with any kind of harmful extremes. Hard for me to exist there as a result of my passionate and stubborn soul yet finding some sort of balance will likely prove to be nothing other than beneficial.

I always felt all alone in so many things with this till joining as well. One thing I did not realize till recently is how many of us are hardest on our own selves. Which brings many challenges all within it's own self.

 

Intimacy for me has been a huge problem. I know i should not compare but people I’ve met in my past didn’t want to be touched at all because it brought back awful memories. I think I’ve suppressed everything for so long that I feel nothing regarding intimacy. Ever since then it’s just be an act, nothing special nothing more...I just can’t connect on an emotional level that way. I don’t want to blame ALL of my problems on what happened to me because I feel like sometimes it just sounds like an excuse. 

Questions I ask myself all the time:

Why can’t I be more faithful? Why cant I love and feel loved? Why do I still make the stupid decisions today that don’t benefit me at all? Why do I always have this desire to please everyone? 

Just things I think of a lot. Although I’ve discussed what happened to me with my spouse, I feel like having these discussions would make life more difficult and possibly end my marriage. Life is so tough. 

[GaleH]

10 hours ago, WhoAmI? said:

So after reading and re-reading the site you attached, it does appear that I am an empath.  My husband on the other hand doesn't seem to fit the narcissist personality type.  I should mention although he was somewhat controlling in the beginning, it got worse once I had an affair.  Because of what I did, I caused him to act the way he does.  So I think what is most unhealthy about our relationship is my actions caused him to isolate me from basically everyone and I guess that's the main reason I'm here.  I once suggested I go to counseling to see if I can figure out why I do the things I do and he wasn't supportive.  I think he was worried the counselor would think our relationship was unhealthy and I'd leave him.  Anyway..I feel as though I'm rambling.  Thank you for your support. 

A lot of times affairs are with abusive guys. Like i bet the affair guy coheresed you 

[Free2Fly]

On 1/17/2018 at 8:06 PM, WhoAmI? said:

I’m a survivor (if you can call it surviving) of R from my first boyfriend and from being SM by my father until I was old enough to drive. Not sure how much I want to put here but this happened many many years ago but I’m married now with children of my own and it’s a daily struggle just being me. I’ve never had professional help and didn’t share what happened to me with my husband until we had been married for 10 years. As you can see I’ve been dealing with it on my own which isn’t working so I guess I’m just looking for a shoulder who understands where I’m coming from. 

Thank you. 

hi welcome to as @WhoAmI?, i would like to think we make ourselves who we are name and ages are just presets.

safe hugs if okay?

people keep telling me im "mad" or "im crazy" well ya that who i am i guess.

[BraveOne]

On 1/17/2018 at 2:06 PM, WhoAmI? said:

I’m a survivor (if you can call it surviving) of R from my first boyfriend and from being SM by my father until I was old enough to drive. Not sure how much I want to put here but this happened many many years ago but I’m married now with children of my own and it’s a daily struggle just being me. I’ve never had professional help and didn’t share what happened to me with my husband until we had been married for 10 years. As you can see I’ve been dealing with it on my own which isn’t working so I guess I’m just looking for a shoulder who understands where I’m coming from. 

Thank you. 

Welcone to AS. Sorry for the trauma that brought you here. Your not alone. Everyone has a story to tell, here you are free to share a little of it or a lot when and how ever you want to. Lots of supporting and caring people that can relate listen let you cry on their shoulders and even offer guidance and lift you when your low. You took a big step in reaching out here on AS and a brave step with this post so Congradulations on your bravery.

[Struggling88]

Hi, WhoAmI?, and welcome!  

[elisand]

On 1/20/2018 at 1:46 AM, WhoAmI? said:

Intimacy for me has been a huge problem. I know i should not compare but people I’ve met in my past didn’t want to be touched at all because it brought back awful memories. I think I’ve suppressed everything for so long that I feel nothing regarding intimacy. Ever since then it’s just be an act, nothing special nothing more...I just can’t connect on an emotional level that way. I don’t want to blame ALL of my problems on what happened to me because I feel like sometimes it just sounds like an excuse. 

Questions I ask myself all the time:

Why can’t I be more faithful? Why cant I love and feel loved? Why do I still make the stupid decisions today that don’t benefit me at all? Why do I always have this desire to please everyone? 

Just things I think of a lot. Although I’ve discussed what happened to me with my spouse, I feel like having these discussions would make life more difficult and possibly end my marriage. Life is so tough. 

Yes, our emotions are totally ---------'d up. 

And people told me that not all my problems are results of abuse. It took me a long time to realize they were wrong and i was right. it's not about blaming yourself. Considering the questions you are asking yourself it is pretty clear that the abuse you endured were deeply affecting you. So probably a lot more than what even you realized about yourself was affected. (talk about support!).

But really love and connection are so hard for us for more than 1 reason.

It has to do with trust,

and possibly depression

and possibly not knowing one's own personality

and could be from being frozen in certain ways by the abuse in emotional brain development

and also that one tries to freeze emotions bec. it's too painful

and because one keeps telling himself how he is a piece of garbage.

So you get an idea of how f----'d up we might be. It might be liberating- it truly is not my fault.

That doesn't mean one shouldn't try to make a better life for themselves.

did you start therapy?

[WhoAmI?]

On 1/19/2018 at 7:07 PM, GaleH said:

A lot of times affairs are with abusive guys. Like i bet the affair guy coheresed you 

Oh yes very much so! He was manipulative. Former cop as well. A year after I broke it off he shot and killed his 14 year old daughter, his best friend and also shot his friend’s wife but she survived, then he went in a field and committed suicide. 

[WhoAmI?]

5 hours ago, elisand said:

Yes, our emotions are totally ---------'d up. 

And people told me that not all my problems are results of abuse. It took me a long time to realize they were wrong and i was right. it's not about blaming yourself. Considering the questions you are asking yourself it is pretty clear that the abuse you endured were deeply affecting you. So probably a lot more than what even you realized about yourself was affected. (talk about support!).

But really love and connection are so hard for us for more than 1 reason.

It has to do with trust,

and possibly depression

and possibly not knowing one's own personality

and could be from being frozen in certain ways by the abuse in emotional brain development

and also that one tries to freeze emotions bec. it's too painful

and because one keeps telling himself how he is a piece of garbage.

So you get an idea of how f----'d up we might be. It might be liberating- it truly is not my fault.

That doesn't mean one shouldn't try to make a better life for themselves.

did you start therapy?

I did not actually start therapy. This is the first step I’ve taken and since it’s technically hidden in keeping it a secret. 

He wasn’t supportive of my starting counseling even for myself because he’s concerned I’ll leave him. (He’s not abusive, he’s been pretty good to me) I think he’s just worried I’ll talk about our marriage and the counselor will advise against it. 

[WhoAmI?]

On 1/19/2018 at 7:50 PM, Free2Fly said:

hi welcome to as @WhoAmI?, i would like to think we make ourselves who we are name and ages are just presets.

safe hugs if okay?

people keep telling me im "mad" or "im crazy" well ya that who i am i guess.

Hugs are always welcome. I get told I’m f***** Up all the time and not normal so who knows.