PleaseBelieveMe

New Member -- Looking for hope

17 posts in this topic

I'm hoping to find what I've been looking for for decades. My story is probably less dramatic than 90% of the people here. But the damage still haunts me, and I need to get past this somehow. I've seen a few comments about how the lack of support of family members can be just as damaging as the original abuse. I think for me, it's almost worse. To have my brother say he doesn't believe me just rips the scab off again. It happened. I know it. My dad knew it. And God knows it. But I can't let go of my need for justice or at least to be believed. How do you get to the point where you accept that people think you're lying? If I were lying about something like this, what would that say about my character? If they honestly think I'm making this up, why on earth would they want to maintain a relationship with me? I can't imagine thinking someone was lying about being molested and wanting to spend time with them. Am I missing something?

Edited by PleaseBelieveMe

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HI, Please and welcome to AS.  First I want to tell you I BELIEVE you and I am sorry that your family doesn't. I sorry for what was done to you. I don't know why some people choose to not believe, in my case some didn't believe me. My abuser was my father and they couldn't see the man they knew could do such a thing, they never saw his dark side.

I learned to understand that this is my truth and I can't change what people think or say.

You will find support on here. You are not alone.

Patricia

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Hi Believed,

Welcome to AS. I called you Believed, because you are believed. You have found a supportive site with many understanding members. Reading your post, I can tell you the first couple sentences could be me. After many years and being less dramatic (rule #1, we don't compare, as you either struggle or you don't), it was still haunting me. I never addressed it tho, or confided in others, like you have. I do have a theory why some people may believe the survivor is a liar. It is ignorance. Ignorance makes the easiest answer is the truth. Nobody wants to believe the harsh reality that there are very bad people who do very cruel things. It is easier to believe the lesser evil of lying, so people often do. This is my interpretation anyway. I know this probably doesen't help much. I do wish you the best on your journey of healing.

Mary

:notalone:

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Welcome to AS @PleaseBelieveMe! I am sorry you are struggling with these questions. They are so difficult. Much about the lack of support from loved ones as well as the assault/abuse itself is pretty much impossible to understand. I had told one of my sisters a small vague reference to something I remembered our father did to me, her response was: "I believe you believe that it's true" yet she talks to me and I just don't talk about that stuff. I don't accept that she thinks I am lying, I am hoping though that eventually she might believe me. It hurts, absolutely! Wish I had some answers for you, just know you are not alone and you are believed here. Lots of support headed your way! :notalone::aswelcomesu:

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5 minutes ago, fallenstar said:

"I believe you believe that it's true" 

OMG! My dad used to say that exact thing to me!!! Not about the abuse, but other things. It drove me crazy! How much more patronizing can you get?

As for my theory, for my mom anyway, is that she has a desperate need for me to be lying because, if I'm not, she might have to ask herself why didn't she see the signs and how could she have been married to someone who could do that. I think accusing someone of lying can be selfish in that respect.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

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2 minutes ago, PleaseBelieveMe said:

OMG! My dad used to say that exact thing to me!!! Not about the abuse, but other things. It drove me crazy! How much more patronizing can you get?

As for my theory, for my mom anyway, is that she has a desperate need for me to be lying because, if I'm not, she might have to ask herself why didn't she see the signs and how could she have been married to someone who could do that. I think accusing someone of lying can be selfish in that respect.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Yes, patronizing is definitely the right word for it. Hate that you had to hear that sentence too :( my sister only said it once but she doesn't need to say it more. It replays in my head. I think you have a good theory - it makes sense. And you're right that it's selfish to say you're lying just so your mom can save face. 

Glad to have you here :) 

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@PleaseBelieveMe,

Welcome to As! First I would like to say I believe you and sending you support.  I am sorry that your family don’t believe you. I am sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced.  You will find many people here who can relate in some what or another. Wishing you the best in your healing journey.

PB

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Welcome to AS At first it was hard for me but you are not alone. I believe you. It's not your fault. You have begun your healing process. Look at this site as journal vent, tell your story, take all that you are feeling and put on here. It helps if you have a support group or counseling near you. If your like me i rely a lot on support groups online because i live in a small town and can't afford counseling. We all have our stories although, they are different they are important. We are all survivors. Wish you all the best ☺

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Welcome to AS.  I believe you, too, and I think you'll find a kind and supportive community of people here who can relate to your experience.  There are many informative posts and resources.  

Take care of yourself. :)

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Hello and welcome to AS @PleaseBelieveMe. I am so sorry for the trauma that you endured and the continued trauma of not having people believe you. Your not alone, I believe you. I have some simalar issues within my family, I will never understand why if they dont believe you they would want to maintain a relationship if not for just having a bit of control over you. I know it is difficult to have family not believe you amd so I offer safe hugs. 

Here at AS you will find people are genuine they do and will believe you they are supportive and helpful they truly listen and offer advice that is amazing. Being here has changed my world and I am confident it will change yours as well. Together we can heal.

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Thanks, @Oneinamillion. I'm already finding this forum to be helpful. What a great group of supportive people! I feel a sense of peace and truth when I'm here that I don't have elsewhere in life.

Sorry your family is doing the same thing to you. 

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@PleaseBelieveMe, I believe you. Your theory about your mom’s not facing the truth makes sense to me. It is a dark reality to accept. It can’t be hard for one to consider there are other aspects of someone we love and to have to reconsider our perceptions of them. You cannot change them, trying to convince them may cause other issues (alienation...), your energy I see best places on your own healing. take gentle care.   :youcanheal: 

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@PleaseBelieveMe trauma is trauma. You deserve to be here just like everyone else here. You have been hurt and you are trying to heal, do not belittle your pain or say it could be worse. What happened to you shouldn't have happened, what has happened to all of us should have never happened. I'm sorry for what brought you here and the fact that your family thinks you're lying. I believe someone told my father about what happened to me and he started making rape jokes. It hurts so bad being called a liar. It hurts so bad. So many safe hugs PBM

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1 hour ago, Bluesclues said:

I believe someone told my father about what happened to me and he started making rape jokes. It hurts so bad being called a liar.

WTH! There is evil in this world. I will say one thing. What happened to me and my family's reaction has made me hyper focused on doing the right thing. I know I don't always get it right, but I try as best I can and ask for forgiveness with sincere remorse when I screw up. If there's one thing that sticks with my kids after I'm gone, I hope it's that.

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@PleaseBelieveMe yes. I now only want to spread kindness and try the best I can to be as understanding as possible. It's very upsetting how awful/ignorant some people can be.

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