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I'm new here I'm a secondary survivor


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I'm empty inside because the beautiful light of my life is no longer the same person. Idk what to say or do but I feel I'm loosing her.. I'm so sad, depressed and feel pushed away.. Im lost 

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Welcome to As @Emptyness!  I'm so sorry for the reason you are here,but glad to have you here.  I'm happy that you are trying to help her by seeking a place for yourself to help be supportive to her. I'm sorry that something happened to her.  When trauma happens it changes that person.  Please try to be patient, gentle and understanding with her.  She may not be ready to let you in yet.  Is she seeing a therapist?  Reach out to others here. You will find many other people here that can be helpful.  Best wishes.

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Hi Emptyness,

Welcome to AS. I am so very sorry for what happened to your daughter and that she (and you) are struggling. You sound like a loving mother and that not being able to make this right for her, is painful. Painnbroken is right, this experience has changed her and that she is going to need time. Maybe a lot of it. As hard as it is, you will need to give her this. Trying to make things right usually will only make things worse, which I know you are not wanting to do. Just let her know you are there, you will always be there, and you will never stop loving her. Believe it or not, many survivors do not have this kind of support. When she is ready, she will need this. So please be patient.

Since therapy is not an option right now, without trying to push it with her, you can suggest this site, or even RAINN, which has a hotline, both by phone and online, if she needs to talk to someone. They also have tons of insightful information on this site. I personally found that site first, which eventually lead me here. I do wish you and your the daughter the very best.

https://www.rainn.org/

Mary

:supportu: both.

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I cried when I read this. I pushed away someone that was like a mom to me and she let me go. Do not let go, I don't think you will because you are here, you want to help. I had been pushing that mom figure away from me for only four months and she gave up. If I could give anything I would trade it for just a moment to just sit with her. Or just to have her tell me that she cared or was with me. How long ago did this happen? Or how long ago did you find out? Did this person tell you? Are you still in a normal routine? That helps. Keeping busy would help too or trying to stay busy and not cooped up. When I'm home for too long I become incredibly depressed. Rainn.org is very resourceful, I also found this site through there. Please stay on here. You need to heal and process like she or he does, it will also help you to understand your kid hearing perspectives and stories from other survivors. 

I wish you the best. Don't give up. Be gentle and be there. :throb:

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I'm sorry for what happened. I can only agree with the others, let her know you are there for her. She has to reach out herself if she wants help, but having that support is vital. Try to recommend this forum or others, where she can connect with others in the same situation, it made the world of difference for me.

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Hi, Emptyness, and welcome!  :wave: I'm sorry you're going through this and for what happened to your daughter. It's great that you are concerened and supporting her. Keep doing what you've been doing. Sometimes being a great listener is the best thing we can do. 

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Hi Emptyness, so sorry for what happened to your daughter and what you both are going through. As others have said, please be patient. Maybe gather resources and have them at the ready for when she reaches out or asks for help. In the meantime it may be helpful to you to continue to seek support yourself, here and maybe a therapist.

When I told my mom what happened years ago (I could only tell her a little bit because it pained her so much and that really stung for me, I didn't want to hurt her like I was hurting), she sought therapy for herself to talk about the guilt she felt, though it was not her fault. She wanted to know how to help me. It was beneficial for her. ...it's just an idea. Please take gentle care. 

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Hi Emptyness,

I'm new to this site but this tugged at me and I wanted to respond. I am a victim of an assault that happened less than a year ago.

My mom and I have never been very close - a very "surface" kind of relationship where we get along well but there isn't much deep conversation between us. Since this happened to me, I have been staying at her house, because I was victimized in my home and I cannot stand being there (I have terrible flashbacks setting foot there). I also don't want to be alone. My mom and I have barely talked about the incident although she is very aware of it. I know she sees I am struggling horribly and am suffering from depression and intense anxiety. While we haven't come right out and discussed why, having her here has meant the world to me. I can't express how alone this has made me feel, and it has definitely changed me - not in a positive way either. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her here for me right now. Like I said, we haven't discussed the incident, but just knowing she has my back has been beyond helpful. A lot of times I feel like I just "need my mom" now. I need to be around her. I don't tell her this, but it's like she knows, and she'll sit and do a puzzle with me or take me grocery shopping. Sometimes those "normal" activities with my mom are what get me through the day. 

I'm sorry if I am kind of rambling, but I wanted you to know that being there for your daughter may not seem like it is helping her, but it is. She knows she can talk to you if and when she is ready. In the meantime, I'm sure she just needs her mom too, and needs that normalcy, even if she doesn't say it either. Give her time. Continue being there for her. You could be what is getting her through some days, just as my mom is, without doing anything but giving her the knowledge that you're there and love her.

-LoveMyCat

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Hi @Emptyness welcome! I am so saddened for what happened to your daughter. I'm glad you found a place where you can help understand what she's going through, how it's affected her, so you can support her better. This is a great step for you (and for her). Thank you for being a caring loving mom to her. I am hoping that by being here, it can help you sort out your feelings, too. You are suffering, too, I wish you weren't. I hope it gets better and you and your daughter can get closer. Wishing you all the best. :flowers:

Edited by fallenstar
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Welcome emptiness. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. There is help out there for her and you and together you will get through this. I see it as a positive she talked to you, for me I never told my mother will never tell her so your relationship must be a very good one. Props to you for seeking out help amd support for yourself. 

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