New here too

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Hi

I have been reading the threads here for weeks but haven't posted anything myself yet. It's been strange to even be on a site like this, taken me twenty years to understand what happened to me was done to me and not because of me and only now starting to get my head around the effect it's had on my life and my choices and where I am now. Head feels a mess in so many ways. Glad to find somewhere to come and do my thinking and to read that I'm not alone xx

[MeBeMary]

Hi Twenty,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you have suffered, but you do know by looking around that this is a very supportive site. I found myself here, much like you (but it was 30+), and I discovered it was never too late to start a healing process. I am thankful for the site for the very reason you state, none of us are alone. I find that other survivors can understand like nobody else can. I do wish you the very best on this healing journey.

 

Mary

[Aja]

You're not alone.  You're brave and strong.  Good for you for reaching out! 

 

Edited April 14, 2017 by Aja
oops!

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Thank you for your replies. It's somehow lovely to know people are out there, even though I wish none of us had reason to need this support.

reading and recognising that other people feel how I feel has been unsettling in so many ways. I'm going through a really crazy period reassessing so many things I took for granted and I'm realising I've locked this away and just hidden for so many years in so many ways. Feel I've messed up in a lot of ways because I didn't deal with the R when it happened and have blamed myself for so many years.

 

[StrugglingMama]

Hitting the 20 year milestone was intense for me, too, and was right around when I joined AS last summer. Welcome, you'll find a lot of support here. 

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Thank you for replying, it means a lot x

I don't think I accepted it as what it was until recently. I thought I'd caused it, I was drunk. I think I'm only just processing it which is crazy because i feel I shouldn't be doing this now, so long after. Feel like I'm going nuts because no one knows, even my husband, because I've always been ashamed of the story, and I've no one to talk to except a guy who I think I am falling for and shouldn't be because I am married, who is an ex cop I work with now and has helped me see this for what it was. My life is a fucking mess. Does anyone else feel they made choices after it happened that have been wrong? I'm worried I got married young to someone who was really a friend not a love because he was safe and I couldnt cope with dating and new relationships because of what happened. Sorry. Spilling loads out and probably in the wrong place. My head feels so full of all this. 

[kitkat54]

You arent alone. It's difficult for me too. Also new here. The important thing is that you're here and hopefully getting some help and the support you need to keep healing

[kitkat54]

I made a lot of questionable choices in the aftermath. But you cant so harshly blame yourself for these actions, because they werent without cause. You arent in a normal headspace after such a thing. Dont feel sorry for telling your feelings, you are more than welcome to let them out.

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

45 minutes ago, kitkat54 said:

I made a lot of questionable choices in the aftermath. But you cant so harshly blame yourself for these actions, because they werent without cause. You arent in a normal headspace after such a thing. Dont feel sorry for telling your feelings, you are more than welcome to let them out.

Thank you. It helps to have an outlet, I just go round and round in my head and don't really know whether to trust what I am feeling, if that makes sense? I feel I've built my whole life on a choice I made when I wasn't in the right place to make choices so important. I feel like I basically chose to hide away so I wouldn't have to go through having to trust anyone else. it's really hard to explain. I feel like I've missed out on so much because I was basically scared. And now I'm stuck, and still scared, but have just kind of opened my eyes and can see the whole fucking mess. I don't know what I am doing with it all, I really don't. 

[kitkat54]

Well how could you be happy? It's not an easy question to answer, but if you do your best to figure it out then you can start to work towards that

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

That's a good question. I wish I knew the answer! i would make the children and my husband happiest if nothing changed. For me, I'm less sure. 

[Struggling88]

Hi, @Twentyyearsthisyear, and welcome! 

[LookingforSunshine]

Welcome to AS! I'm fairly new too. My trauma was years ago as well. I married fairly young by today's standards, and he had no knowledge of the trauma until I got pregnant with our first child at 25. It's been a long slow journey. I too have been reading a lot of the threads, trying to find my bearings. I hope you will find AS as helpful in your healing as I have. Safe hugs if ok.

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Hi Struggling and Looking, thanks for replying.

Ive been deep in thought the last few days - been away by the sea as a family, I must have worn a groove in the sand the amount of walking I've been doing alone trying to order my thoughts a bit. Helps to hear from others and know I'm not losing my mind. Outwardly life has to keep on going on, feels there's no time I can set aside to deal with all this and figure out what I want - just have to keep on keeping on, being mum and wife and working blah blah.

find reading on here and feeling understanding from you all is such a help.

[phoenixxx]

Welcome Twentyyearsthisyear. I am sorry for what you went through, but I am glad you found AS and feel less alone here. I made many choices in the aftermath that were not good for me. Sometimes I feel like the regret is eating me up from the inside...But in the end, we did the best we could with a very difficult and abnormal situation.

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Thanks Phoenixxx. It does help to know other people have regrets too - though I'm sad for you that you know what this is like. I know I can't go back and change things but sometimes it floors me how fucked up I am in some ways - still have such rubbish self esteem and body image, and that definitely goes back to how things were at the time of the r and also how it happened that night and what happened in the immediate aftermath. I can see it but I can't change the fundamental way I feel about myself, if you know what I mean? I think I was incredibly grateful to meet my husband and to have him want me - I always felt like if he ever found out about the real me he'd have run a mile, or if he knew everything he would feel differently - and so I was not thinking about if I wanted him, or if he was right for me - it was just a kind of "phew, someone will have me" and he was lovely and a friend and kind. It's just now that I think I've missed out on so much and a spark that should be there that never was. But then I'm still too scared to imagine ever being in a new relationship anyway. Think I may just have to accept that I'm lucky to be with someone kind and loving even if it's more a friendship than anything else. Sorry. Thinking out loud again. It does help having somewhere to come and get this stuff down

[phoenixxx]

Yes I know exactly what you mean - I sometimes feel completely screwed up, too. Definitely struggle with self-esteem and body image, and feelings of guilt and shame that I just cannot shake. But am still working on it. I am glad that you found a kind and loving man, but I am sorry you missed out on romance and that spark a little bit. 

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

So true when you say you work on it but cannot shake it. Know exactly what you mean. I have the logical bit of my head that knows how things were but deep down don't listen to that and default to the same feelings of shame and blaming myself for letting it happen. I had a bad night last night - woke up in the middle of a nightmare/flashback - almost always the same but worse last night as I'd taken a painkiller to help back pain and was sort of disorientated at first when I woke up. These are worse than ever at the moment, it's like by talking about it here I've stirred everything up. Wish it would all just fuck off back into the box I'd stuck it in in my head. Can't stand the feeling that this will always be there as a part of me, still affecting me after so long. No one in real life that I'd share this with, so grateful to have here to come to and feel some understanding 

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Ian, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. So much of what you said makes sense. Like I say, I can see logically why I am where I am and have made the choices I made, but the feelings of guilt about things are hard to shake. I am such a harsh critic on myself, its been said to me by so many people who don't even know the half of how I feel! Perhaps because outwardly I am sorted. Very few people ever get to see behind the façade, in fact I have lied so many times about what my past that I forget who knows what. My r happened just a few months before I moved away from home to university and I never went back - so I rewrote history and stuck it in a box and decided to not think about it. Great fucking policy, clearly. It is hugely comforting to know others have struggled to make good choices and that Im not alone. Im only sorry there are so many people on here to provide that comfort. Rooting for you in your journey too. You write beautifully.

[Verdif]

@Twentyyearsthisyear I'm truly sorry to hear you've been through trauma, but i'm glad you've found the site and i hope it will be healing for you.

I'm new here and i don't really know the logistics of the site yet, but will be happy to chat if you need a friendly face.

safe hugs if okay 

[Twentyyearsthisyear]

Thanks verdif, still figuring it out myself. Feel like I've opened the floodgates in a way. Hanging on though hoping this is a better way of being than the years spent trying to ignore it. Sorry for the trauma that brought you here too. Safe hugs to you too x