Trying to paint a nice picture

[butterflydream]

Hi! I'm new, but my experience is not.

I've been going through therapy related to my alcohol abuse when memories of my assault came back.

I feel so stupid for not stopping it, speaking up for myself, for being in the situation in general (This is all vague, but I suppose eventually I'll get around to writing my story and it will all be more clear.) 

I always thought of myself as an ally for assault victims, but now that I've accepted that I'm actually a victim myself, it's somehow harder to accept all the love and support that I KNEW victims deserve for myself.

I've always been a rather cynical and melancholy person, so I'm trying to look on the bright side of things- doing a 180 I guess- but it's hard. 

I really do hope for the best for me and for everyone else I come into contact with, but when I say or write how hopeful I am, I feel like a fraud. 

I'm wondering if it's better to "fake it til I make it" and hope that eventually the smiles are genuine, or if I don't try to hide how much I feel like I'm falling apart.

I'm hoping that there is a happy middle ground somewhere in that, and that I'll eventually find it.

I really wanted an in person survivor's support group, but I've not been very lucky in finding one- and maybe there's a reason for that- I'm definitely glad for the anonymity here!- but I'm very very happy to be here and be able to touch base with other people who have been in similar situations.

[Struggling88]

Hi, butterflydream, and welcome!  I'm sorry for what happened to you to bring you here. I, too, came to terms with my abuse after I sought treatment for alcoholism. I also fake it til I make it or I'll fall apart. This is a wonderful and supportive group of people. Feel free to message me any time if you need to talk. 

[butterflydream]

Thank you so much!  I've only been here a short time, but it seems like a very supportive and understanding group of people and I look forward becoming more involved.

[MeBeMary]

Hi butterflydream,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what you have endured, but you have found a very supportive site. I think many of us feel that way, faking smiles and not showing who is under the mask that were are hiding behind. Try not to think of yourself as a fraud, as it is self-protection until you are ready to take the mask off. I am glad you found our site and wish you the very best on this healing journey.

Mary

 

[LookingforSunshine]

HI! Welcome to AS. I hope you will no longer need to hide and will feel the freedom to be yourself. I am new as well and have found this site as a safe place as I have browsed through many of the forums. I'm slowly coming out of my shell. Just know that you are not alone and that you can be yourself here free from judgement. Regardless of your situation, people here are understanding and sympathetic to the trauma you have endured. People here will listen and help you on your journey towards healing. Safe hugs if ok.

[phoenixxx]

Welcome to AS, butterfly! I am sorry for what you have been through, but I hope you will find comfort and support here. AS is a safe place.

[panket]

Hello @butterflydream <-- this one is not fake ... but I've done lots of fake ones, in fact I'm still doing more than I'm proud of. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be a choice. But after all that faking, I still haven't made it. Of course, it might just be yet another way I fail where 'real' people ought to succeed, but more likely it's just not a fruitful approach, and here at AS it's not needed either  

(if OK)

 

[butterflydream]

Wow! The responses here are so supportive and beautiful- thank you all for your kind words!

[rebeccam]

Hi butterflydream, welcome to AS. I'm new here too. So much of what you said resonated with me — feeling bad about putting yourself in the situation, finding it difficult to be a victim after you were an ally, faking smiles. You said it all way better than I could. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels that way — and I hope that knowing that others feel this way too helps you. I hope you get lots of support here.

[Unikitty]

Welcome! You are not alone and i can definitely relate to some of those self-blame statements. I hope you find this board helpful. I am fairly new here myself and have already felt the support from others that I sometimes miss in my offline life.

[butterflydream]

17 hours ago, rebeccam said:

Hi butterflydream, welcome to AS. I'm new here too. So much of what you said resonated with me — feeling bad about putting yourself in the situation, finding it difficult to be a victim after you were an ally, faking smiles. You said it all way better than I could. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels that way — and I hope that knowing that others feel this way too helps you. I hope you get lots of support here.

It means SO MUCH to know I'm not alone in that.  I feel like I sorta HAVE to put on these fake smiles for some people, but here, I feel comfortable being more truthful, and that really feels like a blessing.  thank you so much-  I have felt very supported already and I've only been here a few days!

[butterflydream]

17 hours ago, Unikitty said:

Welcome! You are not alone and i can definitely relate to some of those self-blame statements. I hope you find this board helpful. I am fairly new here myself and have already felt the support from others that I sometimes miss in my offline life.

Thank you so much! 

I'm sorry that you don't have the offline support that you deserve,but I'm glad to hear that this board has been able to provide some of it!

[limbodante]

"I'm trying to look on the bright side of things- doing a 180 I guess- but it's hard."

 

Of course it is. 180 is a lot of degrees. It's practically halfway round! One degree at a time

[rebeccam]

3 hours ago, butterflydream said:

It means SO MUCH to know I'm not alone in that.  I feel like I sorta HAVE to put on these fake smiles for some people, but here, I feel comfortable being more truthful, and that really feels like a blessing.  thank you so much-  I have felt very supported already and I've only been here a few days!

I'm in the same boat. Talking with people who've been through the same thing has been more helpful than I could have realized — everyone here gets how dark it can be. I'm glad you're finding that, too.