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Hi. I am a man of 58 years. I have struggled daily in my life to rid myself of my flaws that caused me to be abused. Then I had an epiphany in 07 and realised at gut lever that I had been abused because who my abusers were and not because of who I am. I had a violent father who never showed my anything but disgust. I was boy enough. as I grew it got worse and I much preferred girls for friends tho up till about 12 my bfs were boys.

I travelled the world, always changing schools, always the new boy and always bullied. I only learned from all of this, my dad's growing violence too, was how to disassociate. by 13 I was self harming. Then I lived in Australian outback and no one took any notice. I really was a fish out of water. Imagine dumping a posh, soft boy into small town Texas or something. Any very masculine community.

The now is this: My disabilites grew until I could no longer walk more than a few feet and certainly cnnot stand still with agony. This meant my dream was denied me-dog showing. Just as I was reaching to top, owning the top winner in her bredd in 09. You don't need to know just that I dreamed all my life for it and then the plug was pulled.


I went into a dpression and I very nearly killed myself. Every thing fell apart. I believed I had conned myse;f, those had helped me recover had conned me. I was now in a wheel chair and could find no hope at all.


Now 3 years later, 100lbs heavier, I fell mentally better, no suicidal thoughts yet I still have found no hope or purpose.


I am  also a knit wear designer, yarn painter, and knitter and reasonably well known all though after 3 or so years of doing nothin g, I am probably forgotten.

I am truly stuck and don't know what to do.


On a psotive note, I have a won derful husband to whom I been legally fully married to for 5 years and together 36 years. He adores me and treats me very well and has been with me every step of a v ery painful journey. We have no money troubles. I know stupid people who envy me, ignoring my 24/7 pain and the many meds I take 4 times a day.

I do take succour from the fact that science has shown that victims/survivors of trauma end up, in a high percen tage, with health problems such mine. My neurologist says I have brain damge like boxers get because of having my head hit too often as child by my dad.

I think the depression is over, I am still taking the med for it. I was always anti the idea of chemical imbalance and of pills for it. Not anymore. I felt the pills working and a month later I no longer wanted to die.

Sorry this has been so long. 


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Hi Knitman,

Welcome to AS.  I am very sorry for the trauma that you have endured, but you have found a very supportive site. It is very sad to know that someone that is supposed to love and protect you did not fulfill their role as a parent. I do like that you understand the reason for abuse stems from the abuser, and not yourself. There is never a justifiable reason for anyone to hurt another this way. I am happy that you have support in rl and now here at AS. It really is a positive that have people who understand. I do wish you the very best as you continue this healing journey.



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Welcome to AS. I to a abused by my dad, physically and sexually. It is hard to trust people when the one person you should have been able to trust betrayed you. I'm working on my relationship. He knows my past, but he don't understand why I am so depressed and still get scared. He says he didn't do anything and that I shouldn't feel like I have to feel that way around him.

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Welcome Knitman. I am so sorry for all the trauma you have been through in your life, and for the physical and mental effects it has caused. I am very glad to hear that you have a supportive partner and that your depression is under control. This community that you have found is a wonderful place to find support and make connections with people who understand what you have been through. I hope you find lots of comfort here.

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Thank you for the welcome. I want to make it clear my dad terrified me and nearly killed me on several occasions but he never sexualyl abused me. Others did that. One was a schoolteacher who was also a child pornographer. I was also stranger raped by a man in the jungle which was my playground for 5 years. <y mother would hit and was cruel but she was not ever abused by my dad. I knew this at age9 when whe was trying to stop him throttling me because then the neighbours would find out we were this perfect mid class family. She lived to clean and to wory what the neighbours thought. An example of this was her having not been able to wake me for hours. an employee did. If she had not I'd most certainly be be dead whuch is what I wanted. When I awoke several days later, I ripped my mask off, pulled the canulas out so blood formed arcs as it surted out of my me. A Nurse trying to stop kept telling how lucky I was ro be alive and I was very rude to for being so kind toward me.

I never heard the words I love you until I was 22 when I met my husband. That was 1981 and we are still togther and married uner the law. I HATE the fact that he is now my carer too as I have become disabled. 

Bye for now. I am exhausted. Thank you for being there. Once I have told my stroy I hope to be sof use to people who have welcomed me. All of you. It takes a great deal of courage to tell even anonymously in print.

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