A Step Forward

[MissLioness]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post so here it goes:

I was raped a year and a half ago by my boyfriend of now 6 years. At the time I knew he didn't do it on purpose and tried to brush it off as a "misunderstanding". Of course it was extremely upsetting at first but I think I tried to move on by pretending it didn't happen. But recently it hit me out of nowhere and I started to panic. For a few days I've had breakdowns and a hard time reminding myself that this wound isn't fresh even though it feels even worse than it did right after it happened. My boyfriend said he's sorry and that he loves me but I still don't think he doesn't understand fully what I'm going through. One of my friends was trying to comfort me and told me that his fiancee' got raped too but hers was "a little more fucked up" and told me "It's okay - it could have been worse". Which I know is a stupid thing people say to make you feel better but some other part of me wanted to say "fuck you". Sorry for the language. 

[limbodante]

Don't feel bad for the language, I tell people "fuck you" any time they tell me it could be worse, and everyone from Hitler to God himself will be told the same thing because it's a useless, shitty, dangerous thing to say. It suggests you should just accept whatever happens because it's not as bad as it could possibly be. Yes, it probably could, I could have been dismembered and left behind a skip outside a Tesco, but yknow, that doesn't mean that what happened didn't SUCK. Besides, bad is relative. I find one kind of abuse way easier to heal from than another I've been through. That doesn't make the first one EASY. It could've been worse. It still sucked. Arse to those people.

Indignation on the behalf of you and everyone who's been told it could be worse (translation to me: stop whining about it) aside, I'm sorry you went through what you did.  I dunno if it's harder or easier knowing he didn't intend it that way or whatever, but if you didn't want it, it's an issue, and that hurts. No amount of platitudes is gonna help that. I hope you find something that does.

[MeBeMary]

3 hours ago, MissLioness said:

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post so here it goes:

I was raped a year and a half ago by my boyfriend of now 6 years. At the time I knew he didn't do it on purpose and tried to brush it off as a "misunderstanding". Of course it was extremely upsetting at first but I think I tried to move on by pretending it didn't happen. But recently it hit me out of nowhere and I started to panic. For a few days I've had breakdowns and a hard time reminding myself that this wound isn't fresh even though it feels even worse than it did right after it happened. My boyfriend said he's sorry and that he loves me but I still don't think he doesn't understand fully what I'm going through. One of my friends was trying to comfort me and told me that his fiancee' got raped too but hers was "a little more fucked up" and told me "It's okay - it could have been worse". Which I know is a stupid thing people say to make you feel better but some other part of me wanted to say "fuck you". Sorry for the language. 

Hi MissLioness,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you suffered, but you have found a very supportive site. I do not want to sound a certain kind of way, but can you really identify rape as being something that was accidental? It's just something that seems a contradiction to me. Again, this isn't meant as disrespect. It does sound like you both have tried to move on with what happened, tho unfortunately you haven't been as successful. Accident or not, what you are experiencing right now is normal. I tucked away my trauma for many years. I would struggle with things, but refused to acknowledge it had anything to do with being hurt. Facing it is difficult, so I commend you on doing that.

As for anyone who says it could have been worse or anything like that...is ignorant.  Trauma is not something that should be measured or compared. There is nothing insignificant about experiencing trauma. Trauma is traumatic, right? So, yeah, you can feel sad for other survivors, but it doesn't diminish the fact that we all feel effects from it and we all try to find a way to heal from it.  I am very sorry that you have been hurt and you do deserve to heal.  I wish you the very best on that journey.

Mary

 

[Hawkgirl]

@MissLioness

Hi and welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here.   

This site might help you.  http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/

 

 

 

[phoenixxx]

Welcome MissLioness. I am sorry for what you went through. Your friend should not compare things - trauma is trauma. Rape is rape. It doesn't make us feel less bad if someone tells us that it 'could have been worse'. Being betrayed like that by the person you love is so confusing and very painful. Who is your friend to judge how bad that was? Anyway, I am glad you are here and hope you find lots of support here. It is normal to push these things out of your mind and just coping for a while, before they come back up and need to be dealt with. 

I hope you are safe now. My ex 'accidentally' raped me many times. In my experience if it happens ones, it can always happen again. I don't want to scare you or judge your relationship (you can judge it much better of course), but maybe look at your relationship and consider whether you are really safe. If you are, then maybe think about how you can also feel safe again (which is a very different thing). Clearly the trauma is still affecting you. Maybe it would help to talk to a professional, or to share with people here on AS. Either way I wish you all the best for this and I hope you get to feel better soon. Know that you aren't alone here. 

[reglois]

 

[Struggling88]

Hi, MissLioness, and welcome! 

[MissLioness]

On 1/20/2017 at 0:01 PM, limbodante said:

Don't feel bad for the language, I tell people "fuck you" any time they tell me it could be worse, and everyone from Hitler to God himself will be told the same thing because it's a useless, shitty, dangerous thing to say. It suggests you should just accept whatever happens because it's not as bad as it could possibly be. Yes, it probably could, I could have been dismembered and left behind a skip outside a Tesco, but yknow, that doesn't mean that what happened didn't SUCK. Besides, bad is relative. I find one kind of abuse way easier to heal from than another I've been through. That doesn't make the first one EASY. It could've been worse. It still sucked. Arse to those people.

Indignation on the behalf of you and everyone who's been told it could be worse (translation to me: stop whining about it) aside, I'm sorry you went through what you did.  I dunno if it's harder or easier knowing he didn't intend it that way or whatever, but if you didn't want it, it's an issue, and that hurts. No amount of platitudes is gonna help that. I hope you find something that does.

Thank you  I am trying to use the anger as something that will motivate me to educate people on how to interact with survivors. Of course I understand this person was just trying to help but it doesn't make it okay by any means. It's almost like telling someone "oh you look good, did you lose weight?". Just...no. To all the people that told you that it could have been worse you can tell them I say "fuck you" too. 

[MissLioness]

On 1/20/2017 at 3:40 PM, MeBeMary said:

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you suffered, but you have found a very supportive site. I do not want to sound a certain kind of way, but can you really identify rape as being something that was accidental? It's just something that seems a contradiction to me. Again, this isn't meant as disrespect. It does sound like you both have tried to move on with what happened, tho unfortunately you haven't been as successful. Accident or not, what you are experiencing right now is normal. I tucked away my trauma for many years. I would struggle with things, but refused to acknowledge it had anything to do with being hurt. Facing it is difficult, so I commend you on doing that.

As for anyone who says it could have been worse or anything like that...is ignorant.  Trauma is not something that should be measured or compared. There is nothing insignificant about experiencing trauma. Trauma is traumatic, right? So, yeah, you can feel sad for other survivors, but it doesn't diminish the fact that we all feel effects from it and we all try to find a way to heal from it.  I am very sorry that you have been hurt and you do deserve to heal.  I wish you the very best on that journey.

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for your support and making me feel less crazy. I understand what you are saying completely and I agree. I think part of me is still in denial and trying to understand how someone I love and trusted could have done something like that to me. This all came about and hit me just recently so it's been a lot to deal with this past week. This weekend I had my first "trigger incident" and it was really scary. I had never gotten the feeling of intense physical danger so quickly in what I thought was a safe environment. Everything is so new to me so I am glad I have a place like this where I can talk things through. 

[MissLioness]

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words of support. As of two days ago, my boyfriend and I are no longer together. In just a few days it would have been our 6 year anniversary. It was for the best and honestly I think my healing from the rape will be just a little easier now but now I have the breakup in itself to deal with. Could use some hugs if anyone has any.

[phoenixxx]

1 hour ago, MissLioness said:

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words of support. As of two days ago, my boyfriend and I are no longer together. In just a few days it would have been our 6 year anniversary. It was for the best and honestly I think my healing from the rape will be just a little easier now but now I have the breakup in itself to deal with. Could use some hugs if anyone has any.

(((((((((((((((MissLioness)))))))))))))) Lots and lots of hugs to you. When I broke up with my ex after 4.5 years I cried for weeks on end. It was so hard. But I know now it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I think and hope it is the same for you. I hope this gives you a chance to heal from your trauma. 

Break ups are tough - even more so when there was any kind of abuse involved. It gets better, but in the meantime, take good care of yourself. Here to talk if you ever feel the need.    

[MissLioness]

On 1/26/2017 at 8:13 AM, phoenixxx said:

(((((((((((((((MissLioness)))))))))))))) Lots and lots of hugs to you. When I broke up with my ex after 4.5 years I cried for weeks on end. It was so hard. But I know now it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I think and hope it is the same for you. I hope this gives you a chance to heal from your trauma. 

Break ups are tough - even more so when there was any kind of abuse involved. It gets better, but in the meantime, take good care of yourself. Here to talk if you ever feel the need.    

Thank you so very much <3 I really appreciate the kind and motivational words of support. I'm getting better slowly but knowing I have a safe place here is such a comfort. I hope you continue to be resilient and strong as well 

[Me89]

So sorry for what has brought you here but I am glad you have found the supportive, safe environment of AS. And bring on the bad language lol