Hello

[Cam Francia]

Hello everyone, I'm new here... for the past 26-27 years i have been keeping a secret. My childhood was taken away from me. I was molested and r****d by the houseboy repeatedly and my parents didn't know about it,.. after 2 years my parents divorced and kept all that secret by myself.. it was terrible and I believed that what happened to me made me enter into bad relationships and loss of self confidence. A few days ago i told my secret to my best friend and advised me to forgive not because my molester deserved it, but I deserved to be at peace and to finally acknowledge the fact that i too, can move on and finally get on with my life and it is not my fault what had happened... i was just a child.. now i am trying my best to heal and get on with my life... how do i begin? What do i need to do?

Edited January 19, 2017 by Cam Francia

[Hawkgirl]

@Cam Francia 

Hi and welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us.   You have really been through something terrible and I can imagine the pain of keeping that secret inside.  Abuse sends us all the wrong messages and we have to sort those out in the process. The first thing to learn is you are not alone.  There are many people who have been through abusive situations.  You asked what do you need to do.  Would you believe you already on your way?  Yes, you are already engaged in the healing process.  Now some people go to support groups both online and IRL.  Some go through counseling.  While counseling is a big one, each person's healing process is unique to them.  If you choose to go into counseling, be sure to try to find someone who specializes in Child Sexual Abuse.  Keep an open mind because the first therapist aka T might not be the best one or right one for you.  If you go for counseling aka C, the same is true.   Part of the healing process is working toward being able to tell the story.  For me that meant not keeping their secret any more. It meant being honest about what really happened and putting a voice to that pain which had been silent for so long.  That might mean journaling about your experiences.  It might mean talking with a friend about your experiences.  It might mean going to RAINN for online chat about what happened.  No one can tell you what your healing path will look like.   One of the things you definitely need is a support system.  Some people who are here don''t have one to speak of and this is their support system.  Rather you choose counseling, therapy, support group or online support group, make sure you are good to yourself.  Do you have any grounding techniques in place for when thoughts come up and flashbacks play?  Please check out this site.  It is a good place and has a lot of good information for how to heal.  http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/

Grounding techniques can help shorten the duration of a flashback. There is a lot of information on there that will be of some help to you.  You can also do chat in the chat room here at AS.  You can also visit RAINN for their online crisis chat.  Do something nice for yourself.  Give yourself time and be good to yourself.  One of the common things is to think there was something that you could have done to change the outcome. But it wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve what happened to you.  But you can heal.  Sitting with you and walking with you too, if ok.  

[MeBeMary]

1 hour ago, Cam Francia said:

Hello everyone, I'm new here... for the past 26-27 years i have been keeping a secret. My childhood was taken away from me. I was molested and r****d by the houseboy repeatedly and my parents didn't know about it,.. after 2 years my parents divorced and kept all that secret by myself.. it was terrible and I believed that what happened to me made me enter into bad relationships and loss of self confidence. A few days ago i told my secret to my best friend and advised me to forgive not because my molester deserved it, but I deserved to be at peace and to finally acknowledge the fact that i too, can move on and finally get on with my life and it is not my fault what had happened... i was just a child.. now i am trying my best to heal and get on with my life... how do i begin? What do i need to do?

Hi Cam Francia,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you have suffered. Keeping quiet is normal, especially for children. How do you explain something like this? I am glad that you found the courage to tell a close friend and to reach out here. These are huge steps to take. I do understand the thought behind your friend's suggestion and you do deserve peace. To actually forgive an abuser tho, can be difficult. If you can or not we be a personal thing for you to decide and feel. You have every right to be angry, but as long as you don't let hate rule the way you live, you still can strive for peace.  We are here for you as you begin the journey in healing.

Mary

[phoenixxx]

Welcome to AS, Cam Francia. I am sorry for what happened in your childhood. Traumas like that stick with us for our whole lives, but we can heal from them. @Hawkgirl has given you a lot of good advice about how to move forward. I think talking about it (here or with supportive people in real life) is a really good start. Most likely, after such a traumatic experience, there are some deeply ingrained emotions and thought processes, which it may be good to address. I only just started T a year ago - before that I refused to go, thinking I was fine without it. It has been tough, but I am so glad I did it. I am finally talking through those emotions and it is helping me cope better with my everyday life. Whatever you choose to do, I am glad that you have decided to start by joining AS. There is so much support here, and people are so caring and helpful. I hope you get as much out of it as I have. 

[Struggling88]

Hi, Cam Francia, and welcome!