New secondary survivor

[HopefulHubby]

Hi everyone.  I am new to this message board and very glad that I found it.  Almost one year ago, I learned that my wife of 18 years (together for 22) was raped while on a date in 1993.  My wife has suffered from depression ever since I have known her and her depression really had an impact on all areas of her life.  I also knew there was something wrong with our marriage because we lacked intimacy and she has always been largely withdrawn.  Last year, our marriage seemed to be spiraling out of control.  She was even more withdrawn, was speaking more negatively about herself and intimate relationship had all but disappeared.  I reconnected with a girlfriend I had dated 25 years ago, just prior to meeting my wife.  I almost had an affair, but something stopped me.  Thankfully.  That would have been the biggest mistake I had ever made.

I went to see a therapist.  I wanted to talk to someone about where I was in life and whether my marriage could be saved or if I should think about moving on.  I was described most aspects of our lives together.  After I had done that the therapist asked me, "has your wife ever been the victim of a sexual assault?"  I was stunned.  I told him that I did not know the answer and that she had never told me that.

A couple of sessions later, I told my wife how concerned I was about our marriage and that I had been seeing a therapist.  I asked her if she had ever been sexually assaulted and she burst into tears and told me that she had been.  Thankfully, she is now seeing the therapist weekly and trying to work her way through this.  At first, we were going together, but she has asked me not to come.  She says that she does not feel comfortable with me there.  Of course I agreed to no longer come but now I feel like I am out of the loop. 

I am so glad to find a place where I can get some support and, hopefully, provide some support to others.  I love my wife deeply and want to do what I can to help.  The fact of the matter is, I don't really know what I can do.  The rape has seemingly defined her and she feels worthless and dirty.  She finds sex dirty and it makes her feel "slutty."  I hope that these things change at some point ... she is a beautiful person but unfortunately she does not see that.

I took the name HopefulHubby because I am hopeful that she will finally find some peace.  I was hurt that she had never told me about this, mainly because we could have been working on this years ago.  With that said, I am working hard to let that go and do whatever I can to help her.

Thanks for reading my introduction and I hope to get to meet some of you.

HH

[patriciag]

Hi HH,  welcome to AS, I am sorry about what happened to your wife. I am glad that you are here for yourself and your wife. It is very hard for someone who has been abused or raped to share even if is our husbands. It is hard to explain the shame, self worth we feel and we think everyone will look at us the same way we look at ourselves. I am glad she did share this with you.  Please don't feel like you are out of the loop, this is a journey she needs to do and down the road she may share with you. My husband knows most of the things that happened to me but not all of it. We are here at AS to help you in any way we can.

[phoenixxx]

Welcome HH. Your post really moved me. I think that it is great that you went to T to figure out how to make your marriage work, and ended up helping your wife disclose sth she clearly has been suppressing and struggling alone with for many, many years. You helped her seek help after all that time and are willing to work with her on your marriage. That is so lovely to read. 

I agree with Patricia. It is super hard to share sth like this, and many of us are in denial about what happened, sometimes for over 20 years (personally, I managed 8 years of denial and 13 before seeking therapy). It is just easier to pretend it didn;t happen. Plus, there is so much shame and self-blame involved in this...It takes a lot to tell yourself what happened, let alone someone else. That would make it real, which can be totally unbearable. Hope this made sense to you, I am just kind of putting it out as I see it. 

I also agree she needs to do this healing by herself, at least in T. If she wants to share what they talked about, or talk to you about how she is coping, that is her decision. Please don't feel left out. I know in my case, some of the things I talk about in T I feel so deeply ashamed about I could never share them with my bf. I am sure, having been in T, you might know that there are things you need to deal with on your own. 

I think it is great you are reaching out here, and I really hope you find the support you need and deserve. I know from my partner that dealing with someone who has gone through sth so traumatic can be a real challenge. I am glad that you are willing to be there for your wife. But it is also really important that you look after yourself. AS is a great place to find this kind of support, we all there for each other. Just reach out whenever you feel like it. 

 

[HopefulHubby]

Thank you for the response Patricia.  This is why am I glad I found this site.  I want to help her in any way that I can.  If that means taking a step back, that is what I will do.  I am glad she is getting the help that she needs.

[HopefulHubby]

Thank you Phoenixxx.  My wife is struggling with the shame.  For me, the saddest part is how this rape has destroyed her sense of self worth.  Just a couple of weeks ago, I met someone in my office who knew wife before the rape and hasn't seen her in nearly 25 years.  She was talking about how bubbly and outgoing my wife was and how she was one of the happiest people she knew.  I hope I get to meet that person some day.

Thank you for taking the time to respond ... your insight is very helpful to me.

[Struggling88]

Hi, HopefulHubby, and welcome!  

[reglois]

     

[JustSam]

Hi HopefulHubby, welcome to AS.

This post has made me rather emotional. I was also raped not long before meeting my husband (about 15 years ago). I did tell him what happened pretty early in our relationship but I never discuss my feelings about it or really open up to him. Even though I'm sure he would be very understanding I just don't want to put that on him and I don't want him to see that part of me, the part I see as weak and pathetic and disgusting. I feel guilty when he sees me depressed, I feel guilty when I hide it from him (I feel guilty that I find it easier to post on here to complete strangers than talk to him).

I'm sorry for rambling, I don't know if your wife feels the same way at all but I hope that by sharing this it might help you understand why she maybe didn't talk to you about it, or why she wants to do the counselling alone.

Remember that to help her you need to look after yourself too. If you're not already doing so it might be good for you to continue with your own therapy sessions. Or maybe suggest some more sessions together when she feels ready. Neither of you are alone in this, there's support here if you need it. 

[limbodante]

All the best to thee and thine, mate. Good luck, I'm sure you'll find helpful information and support here.

[AVI]

all the best to you and your wife .. all our support and prayers .... its hard for someone to admit it... as they continue to blame themselves for it .... don't feel left out because her telling you trusting you with what she went through was in itself a really big step for her and that means she loves you and trusts u a lot .. just remember that and you guys will get through this...

[HopefulHubby]

6 hours ago, JustSam said:

Hi HopefulHubby, welcome to AS.

This post has made me rather emotional. I was also raped not long before meeting my husband (about 15 years ago). I did tell him what happened pretty early in our relationship but I never discuss my feelings about it or really open up to him. Even though I'm sure he would be very understanding I just don't want to put that on him and I don't want him to see that part of me, the part I see as weak and pathetic and disgusting. I feel guilty when he sees me depressed, I feel guilty when I hide it from him (I feel guilty that I find it easier to post on here to complete strangers than talk to him).

I'm sorry for rambling, I don't know if your wife feels the same way at all but I hope that by sharing this it might help you understand why she maybe didn't talk to you about it, or why she wants to do the counselling alone.

Remember that to help her you need to look after yourself too. If you're not already doing so it might be good for you to continue with your own therapy sessions. Or maybe suggest some more sessions together when she feels ready. Neither of you are alone in this, there's support here if you need it. 

Thanks Sam ... I can't speak for your husband but I can tell you that I don't want my wife to suffer alone.  We are a team and I believe we are stronger when we face things together.  When I see that my wife is depressed, I want to help her.  I don't look down on her.  Now that I know what happened, I know what has caused the depression and I desperately want to help her put this in its proper place.  She was destroyed by the SA and she needs to heal.  I do understand that if she needs to heal alone, then I will respect that.  She had a session this morning and I did not go.  I no longer ask if she wants me to go.  I am sure she will tell me when she is ready.

Thanks again for your insight ... it is very helpful to me.

[HopefulHubby]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome.  I appreciate everyone's insight, it has been very helpful!

[StrugglingMama]

@JustSam your words reflect almost exactly how I feel inside as someone who was raped 20 years ago (1996) and whose husband knew "it happened" but didn't/doesn't know all the details. HopefulHubby, now that I read a bit more about your wife's story, I think you should brace yourself for this taking a while for her to sort out. If she didn't tell you during this entire time you've been together (I'm assuming she didn't tell others either, but that presumption may be false) then she has some seriously buried feelings to work through. She has adapted to survive in this life post-rape in more ways than even she can count, from the smallest nuances of how to delicately remove oneself from triggering conversations to the bigger things (e.g. never 'getting into' sex) that you may now start to recognize as coping mechanisms. Untangling these behaviors and thoughts from 20+ years ago are VERY difficult and so much more scary than you can imagine. It's almost like she will need to learn how to be her authentic self after living safely behind a mask for so long. This doesn't mean that the core of her is different from the woman you love, but there may be some tough realities that you'll both have to adjust to. The shame and dirtiness is so very real for us survivors - even if we know intellectually that isn't the case and that we have nothing to be ashamed about, deep down many - if not most - of us feel that way. All of us fixate on what we did wrong, how we could have prevented it, how stupid we were for [insert normal behavior that people do but that suddenly you feel was foolish - like go on a date], how broken we feel, how much embarrassment we have for STILL being so affected from an event that happened so long ago, how gross and yucky sex can be, how angry we are that this happened and irrevocably changed our life path.

I wish you both much peace as you explore this new era of your marriage - it sounds like she is definitely worth fighting for, and that she has a good man by her side trying to help her through the chaos. 

[Looking for Relief]

Welcome

I hope you find all the support you're looking for here.

Best of luck ! 

[Tannyluck]

Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I wish you well on your healing journey.