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Painnbroken

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Hi!  Not to sure where to start here.   I have severe PTSD from being Sexually abused.   Lately something has triggered everything.   I have been silent for so long and was able to block everything until 3 months ago.   Have not had a good night sleep since the nightmares started I am terrified to close my eyes being awake is not that great with flashbacks.  I feel like I am losing my mind.   I am exhausted and terrified of everything. 

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Hi Painnbroken,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma that you suffered and the struggles that you must deal with now. Nobody ever has that right to hurt another like this. Memory block is not so uncommon among survivors and can causes issue of their own, but now that you have remembered, you now have to deal with the new struggles. You have found a very supportive site tho, with many kind and understanding members. It is a huge step to be able to reach out to others, so I do want to acknowledge that. I wish you the very best as you start a new healing journey.

Mary

:notalone:

 

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I don't know how to deal with all this I wish I could just block it all again.  Everything in my life seems to be crashing down.  I'm just lost 

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When I first joined AS I couldn't remember most of what happened, just that what I could haunted me for decades.  The memories flooded back shortly after I think because i had found a place that was supportive and understanding.  Many members here understand what you are going through because we have been there.  Just know that it will get better after some hard work but it does get better.  You are not alone here.

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i feel really alone.   I remember everything I remember seeing a therapist but I don't remember why I shut down.   After that nothing was ever spoken again and I don't know why this is happening now.    

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Sometimes thoughts and feelings can be so overwhelming that we think it is easier to deny what has happened. If you were young, it may have been encouraged to you to "forget" it ever happened. Whatever the reason, it is unfortunate that it really doesn't work that easy. Somethings it stores and builds up in you, that at some point it has nowhere to go until it starts to just ooze out of every pore in your body. I thought I had dealt with my trauma, tho I had many struggles I dealt with over decades. Three years ago, my emotions and realization of what happen exploded until I was a mess of uncertainty and pain. It really isn't easy to deal with, is it?  Please know that we here at the site do understand and you are no longer alone. You have reached out, and we are here to support you as you discover how to deal with these overpowering memories and feelings.

:hug: to you, if ok.

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I was young.   I know I have a wall up and I could never figure out why I have this wall not until 2-3 months ago.  It's like I am drowning.  I was hurt really bad 

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I understand. You may have had counseling "back then" but the fact that you shut down indicates that as a child victim, your voice was not heard to a satisfactory level. You deserved to be heard and validated and believed and comforted. You STILL deserve that. That wounded part of you still needs to be heard. I'm still working through new memories and it's very hard work. I've had a LOT of sleepless nights and rough days. You're not alone, even if you feel that way. I also feel such terrible loneliness. It's very normal. Yes, you were hurt really bad. I'm so sorry you were hurt. You deserve to be heard. I'm hoping you'll find a safe place to begin finding your voice. I think that's a huge thing about the name of this website After Silence. We're here to listen. Take your time. Let yourself begin to heal.

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Welcome, I am so sorry for what you went through and are still going through now. I really hope you find some support and relief here. People here understand and are very supportive, so when you are ready it might be helpful to share your fears and struggles and get some advice or feedback. Know that it can get better and that as hard as it is now, you are not alone! We are here to listen or just sit with you if you need it. 

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Thanks phoenixxx.  I have a hard opening up about this.   Have an issue with trust and it was so much easier when I was ale to block things . 

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6 hours ago, Painnbroken said:

Thanks phoenixxx.  I have a hard opening up about this.   Have an issue with trust and it was so much easier when I was ale to block things . 

I understand that. Trust is difficult for most of us to build, and denial is a wonderful thing...until it doesn't work anymore. Just take your time, there is no rush. 

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Hi, Painnbroken, and welcome to AS! I can totally relate to you. I blocked out all the memories of my childhood sexual abuse (CSA) until about a year ago. I had a flashback and it all came flooding back. The past year has been really tough for me. I also have PTSD. You can message me any time you need to talk. I'm sorry for what you went through as a child and for the pain you continue to endure. :flowers:

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Welcome. I too repressed memories for years. You have much support here. Anna

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Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I wish you well on your healing journey.

:aswelcomesu: :notalone::youcanheal:

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