Hey

[Finch]

Hi. You can call me Finch. This is my first time reaching out about this, I guess breaking the silence, and to be honest, the idea absolutely petrifies me. 

 

I'm 25, normally a happy and really outgoing individual. I love Africa (where I currently am living), creative writing, coffee, stars, the sea, breakfast foods, and laughter. But I'm here... I'm here because I've never actually dealt with the fact that I was abused from age 9-14 by multiple abusers. Even though I've told three close friends, I just sort of brushed it all away when I told them, made it almost side conversation, and I guess I was convincing enough that all of us, including myself, believed I was over it, because it was years ago. And I guess I didn't even realize I had 100% separated the fact of what actually happened from my emotions and, now, this week I had my first real, violent trigger, years after it had all happened, like the emotions finally bubbled to the surface and connected to what my brain knows happened and it's all starting to feel too real and right now it feels crippling. I feel like I just need to talk to someone who has been there because I feel so lost.

 

I guess I'm frustrated and so stupidly ashamed because I thought it was OVER. Or that if I ignored it, that it wasn't that bad. But I guess not. I've been carrying this for so many years now and I can't bring myself to even open my mouth to talk about it because I don't even have the words.

 

But I can write it out. It's so much easier to write. 

 

So that's why I'm here. Sorry I'm a mess, but I just want to find somewhere I can be me. All of me. The messy me, I guess.

 

Thank you for making this place available. I look forward to getting to know you all and I really hope it will help.

 

- Finch

[Hannah343]

Hello Finch,

Welcome to AS. Let me introduce myself I'm 17, my names Hannah, and I was abused ever since I can remember till 16 by my brother and emotionally abused by my family.

AS is a great community, your sure to get lots of support here. 

Do you have a Sexual Assult centre where you are? If you want to do therapy (it's a great idea, therapy has helped me a lot and I've only been to 3 sessions.) that would be one of the best places to go for it or to go to groups.

Sitting with you if ok

[phoenixxx]

Welcome to AS, Finch. I am so sorry for what happened to you as a child. Please don't feel stupid for ignoring it and thinking you were fine.  A lot of us do that, and then get triggered by something at some point in our lives or it bubbles up to the surface and suddenly it hits us. Being in denial about it is a protection mechanism - you are protecting yourself from it until you are strong enough to deal with it. Maybe now is the time when you can face it and that's why it has popped up. Either way, don't beat yourself up about it. Yo heal when you heal. There can be no rush when you have been through something so traumatic. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say I hope you find your way around AS alright and that I am sure you will find lots of support here. People are amazing. 

[patriciag]

10 hours ago, Finch said:

Hi. You can call me Finch. This is my first time reaching out about this, I guess breaking the silence, and to be honest, the idea absolutely petrifies me. 

 

I'm 25, normally a happy and really outgoing individual. I love Africa (where I currently am living), creative writing, coffee, stars, the sea, breakfast foods, and laughter. But I'm here... I'm here because I've never actually dealt with the fact that I was abused from age 9-14 by multiple abusers. Even though I've told three close friends, I just sort of brushed it all away when I told them, made it almost side conversation, and I guess I was convincing enough that all of us, including myself, believed I was over it, because it was years ago. And I guess I didn't even realize I had 100% separated the fact of what actually happened from my emotions and, now, this week I had my first real, violent trigger, years after it had all happened, like the emotions finally bubbled to the surface and connected to what my brain knows happened and it's all starting to feel too real and right now it feels crippling. I feel like I just need to talk to someone who has been there because I feel so lost.

 

I guess I'm frustrated and so stupidly ashamed because I thought it was OVER. Or that if I ignored it, that it wasn't that bad. But I guess not. I've been carrying this for so many years now and I can't bring myself to even open my mouth to talk about it because I don't even have the words.

 

But I can write it out. It's so much easier to write. 

 

So that's why I'm here. Sorry I'm a mess, but I just want to find somewhere I can be me. All of me. The messy me, I guess.

 

Thank you for making this place available. I look forward to getting to know you all and I really hope it will help.

 

- Finch

Hi Finch, welcome to AS. I understand how you feel, I spent many years brushing off what happened to me. I am sorry you had a violent trigger, they can leave you pretty shaken up.  You have found a supportive site and you can be just you, we are here to support you, you aren't alone.

[reglois]

    if ok

[Finch]

Thank you everyone for being so kind and welcoming. I didn't expect that--so much kindness.

 @Hannah343 thank you. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. It is a terrible thing. My main abuser was my brother as well and the pain from him is unbearable. And my family is ridiculously emotionally, verbally and spiritually abusive. It's hard when there's not a safe place. As far as Sexual Assault centers... I live in a fairly remote part of Africa and there isn't much of that kind of help here. But I am going back to the States in November for a good 3-4 month break and I am wanting to visit a center or a therapist... How do centers like that and getting something set up work? Sorry, I just have no idea. Thank you for the suggestion! 

@phoenixxx and @patriciag thank you. I'm trying to go easy on myself. It'd be much easier for me to put on the pressure and force the healing to happen but I know that's not going to work. It's just hard and looks like the road ahead of me is so very long.  I know I went into survival mode for 15+ years by pretending nothing happened, but denying felt so much easier than what I feel right now. It's so tempting to go back to being numb. Another bad trigger today and I could hardly breathe. I want to be numb again. 

[Hannah343]

You should be able to go online and find a fourm that you fill out and then send it in to them, I believe there's an intake process of a week.

[MeBeMary]

17 hours ago, Finch said:

Hi. You can call me Finch. This is my first time reaching out about this, I guess breaking the silence, and to be honest, the idea absolutely petrifies me. 

 

I'm 25, normally a happy and really outgoing individual. I love Africa (where I currently am living), creative writing, coffee, stars, the sea, breakfast foods, and laughter. But I'm here... I'm here because I've never actually dealt with the fact that I was abused from age 9-14 by multiple abusers. Even though I've told three close friends, I just sort of brushed it all away when I told them, made it almost side conversation, and I guess I was convincing enough that all of us, including myself, believed I was over it, because it was years ago. And I guess I didn't even realize I had 100% separated the fact of what actually happened from my emotions and, now, this week I had my first real, violent trigger, years after it had all happened, like the emotions finally bubbled to the surface and connected to what my brain knows happened and it's all starting to feel too real and right now it feels crippling. I feel like I just need to talk to someone who has been there because I feel so lost.

 

I guess I'm frustrated and so stupidly ashamed because I thought it was OVER. Or that if I ignored it, that it wasn't that bad. But I guess not. I've been carrying this for so many years now and I can't bring myself to even open my mouth to talk about it because I don't even have the words.

 

But I can write it out. It's so much easier to write. 

 

So that's why I'm here. Sorry I'm a mess, but I just want to find somewhere I can be me. All of me. The messy me, I guess.

 

Thank you for making this place available. I look forward to getting to know you all and I really hope it will help.

 

- Finch

Hi Finch,

Welcome to AS. I am so sorry for the traumas that you have endured. Nobody ever has the right to hurt another like this. You have found a very supportive site with many understanding members. It's so very easy to try to ignore or deny how traumatic events can effect you, but it's like a band-aid...temporary. Eventually it does surface and feels as fresh as when it first happened. You have no reason to feel shame, because this is something that was done to you. Your reaction is sadly normal and common. I am glad that you have found us, and I wish you the best as you face your struggles and begin down your healing path.

Mary

 

[Tannyluck]

Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I wish you well on your healing journey.

[Struggling88]

Hi, Finch, and welcome!