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Is It Still Assault?

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Not sure where to ask but here goes. I'm having trouble wondering if it was assault. I knew this guy, I had said upfront no to intercourse and eventually I agreed for him to give me oral. But as he was giving me oral, I didn't notice he had slipped down his pants. So when I was getting 'close' he said "screw this" and penetrated me. I said that I had said no to that but he still continued and I couldn't get him off because of my positioning on the couch. I even said he wasn't wearing anything and he stopped to ask if he should, but I said why cuz he was already screwing me and he just continued till he was done :( After I felt gross, especially since he didn't wear any condom. Part of me feels like this was assault but another part feels like I led him on because I had agreed to the oral. I cried after and he acted like it was no big deal. I felt so confused and still do :(

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This is not your fault.  You were clear about what you did, and did not want. He's a selfish ass. 

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Leading someone on, being a "tease", wearing provocative clothing, and agreeing to separate sexual acts -does not- entitle anyone to your body in any way besides what you actively consent to. You would never have expected sex from him if he had only agreed to a blow job...

I'm so so sorry this happened to you. It's okay to cry and be confused, but know that this wasn't your fault. Rape is only the rapists fault.

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:aswelcomesu: :youcanheal: :notalone: :bighug: if ok

 

 

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To answer you: yes. You did not consent, it's assault. 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. You're not alone. Everyone here is really supportive and helpful. I hope you find what you need - here ir elsewhere. 

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Yes it is assault you said no to sex and that means no he is the one in the wrong not you I hope you find the strength you need to get through this 

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10 hours ago, BlueFandom said:

Not sure where to ask but here goes. I'm having trouble wondering if it was assault. I knew this guy, I had said upfront no to intercourse and eventually I agreed for him to give me oral. But as he was giving me oral, I didn't notice he had slipped down his pants. So when I was getting 'close' he said "screw this" and penetrated me. I said that I had said no to that but he still continued and I couldn't get him off because of my positioning on the couch. I even said he wasn't wearing anything and he stopped to ask if he should, but I said why cuz he was already screwing me and he just continued till he was done :( After I felt gross, especially since he didn't wear any condom. Part of me feels like this was assault but another part feels like I led him on because I had agreed to the oral. I cried after and he acted like it was no big deal. I felt so confused and still do :(

Hi BlueFandom, welcome to AS, I am sorry this happened to you. My feeling is you were up front in no intercourse, he went against your instruction so it was an assault. You will find many people here for you.:notalone:

Patricia

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Agreeing to one type of sexual activity (receiving oral in this case) does not provide consent to all sexual activity (penetration in this case). A lack of consent + one person continuing on despite the lack of consent = assault

I am sorry you are going through dealing with this. Sitting with you.

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Welcome BlueFandom. I am sorry for what you went through. It was assault without a doubt. Just because you consent to one thing doesn't mean you give consent for everything else. Hope being here helps you heal. :notalone:

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20 hours ago, BlueFandom said:

Not sure where to ask but here goes. I'm having trouble wondering if it was assault. I knew this guy, I had said upfront no to intercourse and eventually I agreed for him to give me oral. But as he was giving me oral, I didn't notice he had slipped down his pants. So when I was getting 'close' he said "screw this" and penetrated me. I said that I had said no to that but he still continued and I couldn't get him off because of my positioning on the couch. I even said he wasn't wearing anything and he stopped to ask if he should, but I said why cuz he was already screwing me and he just continued till he was done :( After I felt gross, especially since he didn't wear any condom. Part of me feels like this was assault but another part feels like I led him on because I had agreed to the oral. I cried after and he acted like it was no big deal. I felt so confused and still do :(

Hi Blue,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry this happened to you. As everyone has said already, this was not consent. Agreement on one sexual activity does not give him a free pass on any type activity he likes. Saying no, crying, trying to get him off, is all declining consent. I am sorry you were hurt. You have found a supportive site, with kind and understanding members. I am glad you have found us, and I wish you the best as you start down a healing path.

Mary

:notalone:

 

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Hi, BlueFandom. I'm so sorry for what you experienced. Like others said, what he did was not ok - it was assault. Be gentle with yourself. :flowers:

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I still feel like it's was my fault, that I lead him on and put myself in that position. I should have known better to have gone alone to his place. :( Why do I feel like this? 

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1 hour ago, BlueFandom said:

I still feel like it's was my fault, that I lead him on and put myself in that position. I should have known better to have gone alone to his place. :( Why do I feel like this? 

:( It's not your fault. The world should be a better place and we should be able to expect to be safe when we want to hang out with people we like. It's not fair and there's no way you could have known.

I have no idea we feel like these things are our fault. Maybe our ridiculous culture of victim blaming gets stuck in our heads from a young age.

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Hi, Bluefandom, and welcome! :wave: Yes, that a-hole assaulted you. You consented to one act, but not to the other. He had no right to violate you like that! I'm sorry that happened to you. 

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Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I wish you well on your healing journey.

:aswelcomesu::notalone::youcanheal:

Edited by Tannyluck
I made a mistake.

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I'm so sorry you went through this and I do agree that this would be assault. It doesn't matter what you've previously agreed to, when you decide to say that you don't want to go any further, that should always be respected.

:bighug: if ok 

Beth

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I'm still really upset, I did my AA Step 5 last week and I still can't bring myself to tell my boyfriend or not on what happened even though it was back in Dec.
I keep having nightmares, I keep replaying it, wondering what if I didn't go to the house, or if I screamed or hit back instead of cried.
:'(
I don't know what to do

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Blue Fandom, welcome to AS.

I agree with what everyone has already said, but I also want to say something else. Going to someone's house is not consent to sex. You told him clearly that you did not want to have sex, but he pressured you until you finally agreed to let him give you oral. Now think about this: If he really wanted to have sex, then why would he pressure you to let him give you oral instead of pressuring you to give him oral? Because he wanted so badly to give you pleasure?  No, he pressured you to let him give you oral because he intended to start that way and then move to intercourse. He was being very calculating and manipulative because he knew that either you would give in once you were aroused or he would just do it anyway because you wouldn't be able to stop him at that point. Plus he realized that you would think exactly the way you are thinking: "Well, I said yes to oral, so I effectively consented to anything else he wanted to do me." Furthermore, even if you thought it was rape, you would fear that nobody would believe you because everyone else would think that you consented. Therefore, you would never say anything to anyone. And how could you prove that you didn't consent after he got you ready for him so there would be no physical trauma? 

He manipulated you and when you cried afterwards, he was cold and did not care that you were upset. He is clearly a predator and you were a victim. So it was in no way your fault and I can assure you that you are not the only one to whom he has done this. I would bet that he uses this trick on many women and it is disgusting. The only way we are ever going to stop abuse is if we stop blaming ourselves and start holding abusers accountable for their despicable actions. I'm not telling you to report him, but please stop blaming yourself and instead be angry with this pig for what he did to you and undoubtedly does to other women because it is not acceptable.

Screaming or hitting back would not have made any difference. By the time you would have done that, he would already have penetrated you. It is unlikely that you would have gotten him off of you before he was finished and, even if you had, he would already have raped you and you would still be struggling with the same feelings. 

It is not your fault. That man is a rapist and it is ALWAYS the rapist's fault and only the rapist's fault. No exceptions. 

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