New Secondary Survivor

[Broken8]

Totally feel lost and devalued at the moment, like I have been on the edge of a nervous breakdown for the last week or so.

Have been supporting a partner/friend for the last 3 years almost. We have been intimate, I have supported her and been pushed away etc.

Could really do with opening up to a few people on here (survivors or other secondarys) as it feels like I am losing my own sanity at times.  

[patriciag]

Hi Broken8, welcome to AS. I always feel our partners have a hard time with dealing with our abuse. I know it can be very confessing and sometimes you get mixed  emotions. I want to tell you that your partner is dealing with a lot of things inside. It has nothing to do with you, it is her dealing with things she may not even know about.

At the beginning of me dealing with my abuse, my husband didn't know what to do. He wanted to fix it, make it go way but he couldn't. When I explained to him that he can't fix it, make it go away, give me answers. that I just needed him to hold me, that he is here for me when I need to talk.

I feel men have the need to protect their love ones from all the pain and hurt.

There were things that triggered me or at that moment I don't want a hug ( my husband loves to give hugs) but hugs weren't always safe for me, so my husband has learned to ask for a hug or do I need a hug. Sometimes the answer would be yes and times it would be no. At first it hurt him when I said no, but it had nothing to do with my love for him, it was just at that time I needed my space.

I give you so much credited for coming here, to help her but also to help yourself and that is very  important, don't loss you in all of this.

Patricia

[Broken8]

That's exactly what it feels like Patricia, like I have almost lost myself.

Things aren't helped by me not living with my partner and so when I am pushed away it can be extremely tough.

[patriciag]

sent you a pm

[phoenixxx]

Welcome Broken8. I am sorry for what you and your partner are going through. It must be incredibly tough to be a supporter. I know my bf struggles sometimes, but whenever I suggest he find help on a forum like this talking to other supporters he rejects that idea. I think it is very impressive that you have taken this step and it is so important that you take care of yourself, too. Really hope you find your answers and support in dealing with this here. 

 

[Tannyluck]

Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I'm sorry for what you and your partner are going through.

[Struggling88]

Hi, Broken8, and welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I can image how tough and confusing it must be. 

[Valentina]

Hello, welcome sorry that you're having a hard time.

I pushed my husband away as well, even after everything we've been through it's just something I did, and wasn't -trying- to do it just happened. He wanted to protect me, make sure I was safe, wanted me to talk to someone, I didn't want that. It took me ten years to realize I needed more professional help even though he was trying his hardest. I hope you can find the support you need here! 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Broken8,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry that you are struggling with understanding your partner/friend and are frustrated. I know it is so hard to understand, but I commend your for being there for her for 3 years. I know it seems like a very long time, but please realize it does take a very long time for a survivor to heal. She isn't purposely being difficult, and tho it may be difficult for her to say, but being supported by someone is a very big thing. I know you probably don't like to hear the word patience, but this is really what she needs. I do wish you well and you two get thru this together.

Mary

[Broken8]

4 hours ago, Valentina said:

Hello, welcome sorry that you're having a hard time.

I pushed my husband away as well, even after everything we've been through it's just something I did, and wasn't -trying- to do it just happened. He wanted to protect me, make sure I was safe, wanted me to talk to someone, I didn't want that. It took me ten years to realize I needed more professional help even though he was trying his hardest. I hope you can find the support you need here! 

I'm so sorry to hear that Valentina.

Did you give your husband any choice or was it his decision to walk away in the end?

I fear that I am just on a vicious cycle of more and more hurt for myself too. I hope that things get better again than they are right now, I hope that I can see my partner/friend come through this one day.  Is that all it is though, just hope?

I'm scared too now. Scared of a future without her and scared of a future with her in it.

[Broken8]

35 minutes ago, MeBeMary said:

Hi Broken8,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry that you are struggling with understanding your partner/friend and are frustrated. I know it is so hard to understand, but I commend your for being there for her for 3 years. I know it seems like a very long time, but please realize it does take a very long time for a survivor to heal. She isn't purposely being difficult, and tho it may be difficult for her to say, but being supported by someone is a very big thing. I know you probably don't like to hear the word patience, but this is really what she needs. I do wish you well and you two get thru this together.

Mary

Thank you Mary 

I know patience is the key and joked to a lady who works in my local supermarket when having problems with one of them self service tills yesterday evening, that it was okay when she apologised to me standing there getting frustrated.  I said something like "it's okay, the most impatient man in the world has been taking lessons for the last 3 years and is now one of the most patient."

I know that she isn't purposefully being difficult and I also know that she feels guilty because she can see that she is hurting me and that perhaps she thinks that I am better off without her in my life when she is on a downer.  She couldn't be further from the truth though!

[Broken8]

14 hours ago, phoenixxx said:

Welcome Broken8. I am sorry for what you and your partner are going through. It must be incredibly tough to be a supporter. I know my bf struggles sometimes, but whenever I suggest he find help on a forum like this talking to other supporters he rejects that idea. I think it is very impressive that you have taken this step and it is so important that you take care of yourself, too. Really hope you find your answers and support in dealing with this here. 

 

I'm willing to talk to you or him about it if it helps?

[Broken8]

Thank you to TannyLuck and Struggling88 too.

If any of you above would like to PM me and chat further then I'll add you to more of my background story which I have been discussing with the lovely Patricia.

Thanks once again Patricia.

[patriciag]

2 hours ago, Broken8 said:

Thank you to TannyLuck and Struggling88 too.

If any of you above would like to PM me and chat further then I'll add you to more of my background story which I have been discussing with the lovely Patricia.

Thanks once again Patricia.

Thank you Broken it never hurts to have more than one opinion and these are great ladies.

[phoenixxx]

7 hours ago, Broken8 said:

I'm willing to talk to you or him about it if it helps?

He won't - he really doesn't want to at the moment. But I would be happy to talk to you. Maybe we can exchange some experience and perspectives? I would be happy to do that if you want.

[Broken8]

Yeah, sure Phoenixxx, I'll send you a PM and add you to the convo that I have been having with Patricia to give you some perspective on my story.

[Valentina]

On 6/9/2016 at 7:42 PM, Broken8 said:

I'm so sorry to hear that Valentina.

Did you give your husband any choice or was it his decision to walk away in the end?

I fear that I am just on a vicious cycle of more and more hurt for myself too. I hope that things get better again than they are right now, I hope that I can see my partner/friend come through this one day.  Is that all it is though, just hope?

I'm scared too now. Scared of a future without her and scared of a future with her in it.

We had split for a year, we're still together actually. I probably should have made that more clear. Can't force her to get over anything, she kinda has to make her own moves on her own.

[Broken8]

Thank you Valentina 

She has always said to me on and off throughout about time to be fair to her. She keeps claiming that she is going to get support soon.  I guess that I get frustrated that this hasn't happened yet.  Every so often it seems like she has pushed me out of her life for good only for her to appear again a few weeks later and perhaps as we have got closer and the more times that it has happened it becomes more damaging to myself?  I did promise myself that I would not abandon her though and that I would be there for her whenever she needed me.

I know it's silly but part of me blames myself for the most recent abuse that she suffered, as it happened during a period of her life when I wasn't in touch with her.