Axious and Suffering

[sammi35]

I'm 19 years old, my sexual abuse happened some time in my early teens, I can't remember exactly. My mom was/is a pretty severe alcoholic. Our neighbor and my her were pretty constistent casual sex partners. Anyway, my mom would invite him over late at night. She would pass out, and he was free to roam my house as he pleased. If it wasn't one of those nights, she would send me to his house to ask to borrow something.. I only remember a few instances in detail.  However, those events i do remember are constantly playing through my head. A few years later, I was raped by a coworker. I'm here because all my life, I've been told the things that happened to me were my fault. By my mom, my grandma, evem by boyfriend. Whenever I tell the truth about my past, I get blamed in some way. Because I wasn't a child. I was somewhere between 13 and 15 years old.. apparently I knew what message I was sending when I put on a tank top and shorts. I suffer severe anxiety. I also believe I am suffering PTSD.. I'm here because my anxiety is stopping me from seeking help. I'm terrified of talking on the phone. I'm terrified of talking to strangers face to face. I want to find therapy. I want to be better.  I can't even hold a job  anymore because my life is consumed by the effects of my childhood. I'm hoping to meet some supportive indiciduals who can tell me how they did it. How do you get past this. I feel stuck. I know what I need to do, but I'm scared to do it.

[MeBeMary]

Hi sammi,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry about the traumas you have suffered. What happened to you was wrong and only the fault of the individuals that hurt you. This was not your fault and you will be understood and believed here. Altho at any age being hurt this way is wrong, but especially when you are young. My own rape was at 15, so I do understand. Some people live in a world of delusion and some just like shifting blame. It's not fair to you, especially if these people are the closest ones to you.There isn't a magic cure for healing, but reaching out is a step in the right direction. I also wish you luck on finding a therapist. I do wish you the best as you travel on this healing journey.

Mary

 

[aftersilence1]

What happened wasn't your fault. You did not deserve to be taken advantage of in that way. I'm sorry for your suffering. It is possible to seek help and begin to heal. The Rape and Incest National Network has a list of crisis centers across the US where survivors of rape/sexual abuse/sexual assault can receive counseling. https://rainn.org/get-help

[patriciag]

Welcome to AS, you are not alone here

[phoenixxx]

Welcome Sammi,

I am sorry for what happened to you. It was not your fault. Nobody has the right to do these things to you, no matter how you dress or what situation you are in. I am sorry that your family doesn't understand this. 

I think it is great that you are thinking of getting a therapist. I know it can be so scary, I was terrified when I first started seeing mine. But it is really, really helpful. And once you get past that first step of signing up with someone, the hardest part is over. 

I hope you can find the strength to start with a T through this forum and that you find it as helpful and supportive as I have. People here are awesome. 

if ok. 

[Sparkling]

Hi Sammi.

The first thing I want to say is in absolutely no way was any of the abuse your fault. No matter how you dress/act you did not ask to be abused or raped! You did not deserve any of this.

Please feel free to message me if you want to chat about anything.

 

Xx

[shanu]

hi sammy , welcome to AS.

first thing you need to know that whatever happened was not your fault . the way you dress does not give anyone right to rape you .

[Tannyluck]

Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community supportive/informative. I understand anxiety all too well. It takes tremendous courage to tell your story. Take gentle care of yourself. None of the trauma that happened to you is your fault in any way. You did nothing to make your trauma happen. I wish you well on your way to heal. Please feel free to message me if there's anything you want to discuss.

[Struggling88]

Hi, sammi35, and welcome!