Jump to content
jumpy

Hi, had some old memories come up..

Recommended Posts

I was abused by other males when I was pretty young (grade-school age) and I am still struggling to accept that it was actually wrong, it wasn't my fault, and it hurt me, and I when I tried to get help it made it worse.

The memories are a lot more painful when they come back all at once and I look at them with my adult understanding of the world. It's really overwhelming. What do I do now? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi jumpy,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma that you suffered.  You have found a very supportive site with many understanding and kind members. Many, if not most of us, struggle with self-blame, but nobody has the right to hurt another this way. Memories can be painful, and the pain doesn't stop after the abuse is over, it can linger for a long time. It is a big step to reach out, so I commend you on being able to do so. I wish you many more steps on your healing journey.

Mary

:notalone:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, Jumpy. Welcome to AS. There is nothing you have to "do." Healing is a process, and it's different for everyone. Do you have a therapist or any in person support to help you process this? Dealing with buried trauma is not easy. I'm dealing with my childhood sexual abuse and sexual assault now after thirty years. The pain doesn't go away unless you work through it, and even then, it not like it never happened. But, as I said, it's different for everyone. I'm at the beginning of my healing journey too. If you are looking for counseling resources, you may want to check out the Rape and Incest National Network or the organization 1in6, which helps male survivors specifically.

https://rainn.org/index.php

https://1in6.org/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, jumpy said:

I was abused by other males when I was pretty young (grade-school age) and I am still struggling to accept that it was actually wrong, it wasn't my fault, and it hurt me, and I when I tried to get help it made it worse.

The memories are a lot more painful when they come back all at once and I look at them with my adult understanding of the world. It's really overwhelming. What do I do now? 

Welcome to AS jumpy. A lot of us are struggling with accepting that what happened to us was wrong and that it wasn't our fault. I know I still do. I have recently started seeing a T, after years of shoving it from my mind and being in denial, and speaking to her really helps. Have you thought about doing that? No pressure, just wanted to share my experience. Hope this site can help you with your healing. :notalone:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Jumpy. Welcome to Aftersilence. You are not alone in your struggles. Please stay strong. It sounds like you have a decent life these days. I read in another post that your married? That's awesome. It's a big help to have a significant other in your life.

i'm a male survivor molested by an older boy when I was 5. For the following 10 years after it happened I questioned my own sexuality. I was kinda homophobic in my younger years and hated the thought of turning gay, but by the age of 15 most kids have had their first kiss. Meanwhile I could barely even make friends with people in general.

my biggest issue with my experience with "him" is that I was willing and even ask to do it again

as a kid I was like "well this isn't so bad. It tickles when he does it to me and he likes it when it's my turn to do him...."

now as an adult I look at it as..... "Wait..... WHOA!!!! What the F***!!! I was only 5!!! I'm not gay!!! I don't like men touching me that way!!! Damn it I want revenge against this pervert!!!!"

sitting with you. You should be able to find plenty of support and other resources on this forum. If you need a friend just send me a PM ok? Take care of yourself.

Edited by SociallyAwkward
Wasn't done

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi and welcome to AS!

 

 

:notalone::youcanheal::aswelcomesu:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all very much! It was a pretty rough week for me, I finally, after decades, talked about all of this with a professional. And I won't say it was comfortable - I felt more freaked out by the whole thing right after talking than I did before, and wondered if I had made a huge mistake, should I have just shut up, not think about this, put them all back in their boxes and tape them up tight so I won't look at them again.

I've been feeling very shaky for the last few days, but, it's getting better. I am angry that it happened, I am angry that when I asked for help it only got worse.. and I am sad that I never, in so many years, realized that asking for help isn't always dangerous. I'm sad that I missed so much, and that I waited this long.

I'm a little scared right now, but it's because now I know I there are ways I can maybe learn to trust people - but I'm going to have to trust people in order to learn. 

Reading about the experiences of others and their feelings here, and that I'm not the first person to think "maybe it was my fault". Not even the first one to think that for almost half a century. 

I feel hopeful. I'm so glad I found this place and all of you. 

I'm so glad I found "Dear Survivor" in another area here. I'm reading it a couple times a day until the word "... but" stops coming up in my head while I'm reading. 

Thank you for being here when I needed a safe place to be. 

:hug:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×