Thankful for a safe place to begin healing

[Uni]

Hi to my new friends,

I am 23, recently graduated (last December) from college with a double major in English and French, and unsure about my next steps in life. Struggling with the SA I experienced has left me feeling frozen and lacking autonomy and direction in my life. This sickens me as I am normally a driven individual academically and professionally. Instead, I have been slumping around my boyfriend's place and drinking too much (I am 100% sober ATM. I did not want to post while under the influence.)

I would like to be known here as "Uni." This is a reference to one of my favorite sites as a child: Neopets. After the r* occurred last September, I found myself frequenting the site once again; I find healing there when I am struggling with loss of innocence. Also, back in the day, it provided a happy, safe escape from the SA I experienced as a young girl. I actually didn't think too often about or give much credit to the childhood SA until the r* occurred; then I fell apart.

On Monday, I was inspired to  seek out an online forum because I got into a tearful, emotionally draining and, quite frankly, frightening conversation with my sister. I realized that my intense emotions and feelings of insanity were stemming not from the subject at hand, but from the trauma that occurred last September and been with me since, like a nasty, physical weight. At that point, I realized I needed help. I found AS that same day and was desperate for my account to be approved so that I could introduce myself and begin viewing the survivor forums.

Now my account has been approved for a couple of days and I've found myself putting off posting. I convinced myself that I wasn't scared to post, just shy perhaps, but I was definitely nervous. However, I knew this would be a step in the healing process - one that allows me to take back control - and as I type, I feel it. I am also meeting with a therapist tomorrow for the first time in order to have professional assistance.

To close, I just want to say, "Thank you for being here." Even if you don't actually reply - or if you don't have posting privileges - it strengthens and inspires me to know that this testimony of my need for support is available for other eyes.

[SilentBird]

Hello Uni, welcome to the forum. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you sought out the support you deserve.

I am sorry for what you went through as a child. But I am proud that you were able to go to college and graduate.

I think it is a good thing that you sought out support after speaking with your sister. No one deserves to be hurt and especially as a child and again later as an adult. You deserved so much more kindness and gentleness than you were given.

It is completely common to be anxious about posting. I know I am every-time I start a thread. You are correct, it is a step in the healing direction and healing is what you deserve. 

Thank you for your openness and choice to share. It will likely help empower others to also post and get the support they also deserve.

[phoenixxx]

Welcome Uni. I am sorry about what happened last September and when you were a child. You didn't deserve to have that happen to you.

I have only been here a few weeks and I was also very nervous before my first post - and I shared nowhere near as much as you did the first time. I am sure you will get the hang of everything quickly, but feel free to ask if you have any questions. 

You have taken a very brave step by coming on this forum and sharing with others, and I hope that it helps you heal. People are really lovely, so I hope you will find the support here helpful.

I wish you all the best! if ok.

[Struggling88]

Hi, Uni, and welcome!  I'm sorry for what you have been through, but I'm glad you're here.  

[MeBeMary]

3 hours ago, Uni said:

Hi to my new friends,

I am 23, recently graduated (last December) from college with a double major in English and French, and unsure about my next steps in life. Struggling with the SA I experienced has left me feeling frozen and lacking autonomy and direction in my life. This sickens me as I am normally a driven individual academically and professionally. Instead, I have been slumping around my boyfriend's place and drinking too much (I am 100% sober ATM. I did not want to post while under the influence.)

I would like to be known here as "Uni." This is a reference to one of my favorite sites as a child: Neopets. After the r* occurred last September, I found myself frequenting the site once again; I find healing there when I am struggling with loss of innocence. Also, back in the day, it provided a happy, safe escape from the SA I experienced as a young girl. I actually didn't think too often about or give much credit to the childhood SA until the r* occurred; then I fell apart.

On Monday, I was inspired to  seek out an online forum because I got into a tearful, emotionally draining and, quite frankly, frightening conversation with my sister. I realized that my intense emotions and feelings of insanity were stemming not from the subject at hand, but from the trauma that occurred last September and been with me since, like a nasty, physical weight. At that point, I realized I needed help. I found AS that same day and was desperate for my account to be approved so that I could introduce myself and begin viewing the survivor forums.

Now my account has been approved for a couple of days and I've found myself putting off posting. I convinced myself that I wasn't scared to post, just shy perhaps, but I was definitely nervous. However, I knew this would be a step in the healing process - one that allows me to take back control - and as I type, I feel it. I am also meeting with a therapist tomorrow for the first time in order to have professional assistance.

To close, I just want to say, "Thank you for being here." Even if you don't actually reply - or if you don't have posting privileges - it strengthens and inspires me to know that this testimony of my need for support is available for other eyes.

Hi Uni,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you have suffered. I'm glad you have found the site and decided to post sober. Sobriety does effect many survivors, so you aren't alone. If you haven't seen, we do have a forum dedicated to addiction, that may help you. In fact we have many different forums on different topics, you really won't be lacking a place to go. And if you post or don't post is up to you. There is no pressure, but I am sure time will make you more comfortable. As you continue on your healing journey, I wish you well.

Mary

 

[blondi]

Welcome Uni,  

I am glad you have found the site and hope you are taking good care of yourself.  

[Uni]

6 hours ago, SilentBird said:

I am sorry for what you went through as a child. But I am proud that you were able to go to college and graduate.

 

6 hours ago, SilentBird said:

Thank you for your openness and choice to share. It will likely help empower others to also post and get the support they also deserve.

SilentBird: Thank you. It is so easy to focus on the negative, but I need to remember how hard I worked last semester in order to finish strong despite the pain. (I was conducting an independent study based on sensitive subject matter that became even more sensitive after the trauma, so that research was especially difficult. My advisor was aware of my situation, however, and provided great support) I am thankful that I took the steps to be here not only for myself, but hopefully to be able to listen to and provide support for others. That, I feel, will be part of my healing process, in addition to being supported myself by members of this community.

6 hours ago, phoenixxx said:

Welcome Uni. I am sorry about what happened last September and when you were a child. You didn't deserve to have that happen to you.

I have only been here a few weeks and I was also very nervous before my first post - and I shared nowhere near as much as you did the first time. I am sure you will get the hang of everything quickly, but feel free to ask if you have any questions. 

You have taken a very brave step by coming on this forum and sharing with others, and I hope that it helps you heal. People are really lovely, so I hope you will find the support here helpful.

I wish you all the best! if ok.

phoenixxx: Welcome to you, as well! I appreciate your touching words and your offer to answer questions. I am thankful to be getting to know all the wonderful people here, yourself included.

5 hours ago, Struggling88 said:

Hi, Uni, and welcome!  I'm sorry for what you have been through, but I'm glad you're here.  

Struggling88: Thank you for the welcome and affirmations. I'm glad I'm here as well, even though it all seems a little surreal. I feel like I have spent so much energy keeping things inside of me ("secrets") it is a relief to reach out and feel others reaching back.

3 hours ago, MeBeMary said:

Sobriety does effect many survivors, so you aren't alone. If you haven't seen, we do have a forum dedicated to addiction, that may help you.

MeBeMary: Thank you for pointing this out to me. I will definitely make my way to that forum and I think that it may help me quite a bit. Simply being a part of this site has already become a motivation to choose sobriety, as I only feel comfortable posting while lucid. I have noticed the amount of drinking I have been doing since the r* negatively impacting me (physically and emotionally) even though it "allows" me to cry and release emotion when I feel emotionally stunted. I am hoping that therapy will give me the tools to communicate more readily with my emotions without feeling the need to self-medicate. I have also considered that, if I discover that I cannot drink moderately or without the motive of medicating myself, I have access to local AA meetings.

1 hour ago, blondi said:

Welcome Uni,  

I am glad you have found the site and hope you are taking good care of yourself.  

blondi: Thank you; I believe that I was meant to be here in this place at this time. I felt like a switch went off in my brain on Monday; all of a sudden I told myself, "Find a support group" and for the first time, I felt comfortable with that thought. I appreciate the reminder to take care of myself; through therapy, being more open with my boyfriend, and being here, I feel like I finally taking the steps to do just that.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Uni

[patriciag]

Welcome Uni, sorry for the trauma you have gone through, you aren't alone here and this is a safe place.

Patricia

[HiddenHeart]

Hi, Uni. Welcome to AS. 

[G]

Hi Uni,

Welcome to AS. Yes you will definitely find healing here. Sending you support and strength 

[thistooshallpass4]

Hi uni, welcome to AS. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling atm and that is one of the main reasons i decided to join this forum. I'm already finding a lot of support and a sense of relief here, and I hope you do as well. 

[reglois]

    if ok

[Tannyluck]

Hi and welcome to AS! It takes tremendous courage to tell your story. Try to remember to be patient with yourself. Share on your own terms when you feel ready and safe. I wish you well on your path to healing.