Hello. First post.

[Grapefruitmoon]

Hello AS Community,

I was so excited to discover AS earlier this year, but never posted or kept up with the forums, and let it slip away from my consciousness.

I'm glad to have found myself here finally. This is my first post, which I'm forcing myself to write. I'm overcoming my own resistance and vulnerability to really let myself be seen (heard), and hoping I'll be motivated to write more. It's difficult for me to talk about myself in a positive way, let alone share things out loud that I feel embarrassed about or ashamed of. What makes it even more challenging is that I don't really feel like what happened to me was that cruel or terrible. It's not a frightening story, there wasn't violence, there were no drugs slipped into my drink... And yet I know that it was wrong, and that I was deeply hurt. Eight years later it still brings me pain, and so much self-blame and shame. A few distasteful, shameful experiences in my youth piled up into one ugly burden that my inner judgement/critic/worthless narrative happily went after. 

But this year, 2016, I believe I am closer to confronting my fears; allowing myself to really feel and experience my own discomfort and shame, so that I can accept myself, and let the hurtful, self-critical and judgmental voices go. I want so badly to let myself free. These do not make up the strong adult that I am.

I think that 'speaking' up here is an important step for me to take, in order to keep growing.  I'm looking forward to being part of an understanding community, where I don't have to hide anything. Thanks in advance everyone, and thanks for reading. 

[patriciag]

52 minutes ago, Grapefruitmoon said:

Hello AS Community,

I was so excited to discover AS earlier this year, but never posted or kept up with the forums, and let it slip away from my consciousness.

I'm glad to have found myself here finally. This is my first post, which I'm forcing myself to write. I'm overcoming my own resistance and vulnerability to really let myself be seen (heard), and hoping I'll be motivated to write more. It's difficult for me to talk about myself in a positive way, let alone share things out loud that I feel embarrassed about or ashamed of. What makes it even more challenging is that I don't really feel like what happened to me was that cruel or terrible. It's not a frightening story, there wasn't violence, there were no drugs slipped into my drink... And yet I know that it was wrong, and that I was deeply hurt. Eight years later it still brings me pain, and so much self-blame and shame. A few distasteful, shameful experiences in my youth piled up into one ugly burden that my inner judgement/critic/worthless narrative happily went after. 

But this year, 2016, I believe I am closer to confronting my fears; allowing myself to really feel and experience my own discomfort and shame, so that I can accept myself, and let the hurtful, self-critical and judgmental voices go. I want so badly to let myself free. These do not make up the strong adult that I am.

I think that 'speaking' up here is an important step for me to take, in order to keep growing.  I'm looking forward to being part of an understanding community, where I don't have to hide anything. Thanks in advance everyone, and thanks for reading. 

Hi grapefruitmoon, and welcome to AS. I takes so much courage to write that first post and I am glad you did. This is a safe place and you are not alone here.

You say what happened to you feel wasn't cruel or terrible. If it has left you feeling the way you are after 8 years, it is cruel and terrible.

Take your time to look over the site but most important you are not alone.

Patricia

[MeBeMary]

Hi grapefruitmoon,

Welcome to AS. You will find this is a very supportive site with many understanding and compassionate members. Sometimes it does take a while to be able to reach out, but you did! That is a very brave step, one of many I hope you will have. I do agree with Patricia...if what happened to you wasn't cruel or terrible, you would not be living with the effects of what was done to you today. What you experienced was trauma, and you did not deserve to be hurt. You deserve to heal and to feel better about who you are. You took a very big step today and I wish you well as you continue on your healing journey.

Mary

[phoenixxx]

9 hours ago, Grapefruitmoon said:

What makes it even more challenging is that I don't really feel like what happened to me was that cruel or terrible. It's not a frightening story, there wasn't violence, there were no drugs slipped into my drink... And yet I know that it was wrong, and that I was deeply hurt. Eight years later it still brings me pain, and so much self-blame and shame. A few distasteful, shameful experiences in my youth piled up into one ugly burden that my inner judgement/critic/worthless narrative happily went after. 

Hi Grapefruitmoon,

I sometimes feel like that too, at least with regard to some of my experiences. In a way that makes it more difficult to accept that it was nothing I did. It has been a while for me, too, but I am still struggling with the same feelings you expressed. I am also new here, and I hope we both find courage and support here so we can leave those feelings behind.

Wishing you well! 

[Grapefruitmoon]

Thank you - patriciag, MeBeMary, phoenixxx - it means so much to open up the site and see your messages today. It is encouraging to feel support and recognition simply from taking the first step of posting! I am very grateful.

Sending everyone at AS some strength for another day of self-acceptance and growth!

 

[reglois]

    if ok

[Struggling88]

Hi, Grapefruitmoon, and welcome! 

[HiddenHeart]

Hi, Grapefruitmoon. Welcome to AS. 

[G]

Hi grapefruitmoon,

I am glad you took the brave step to reach out. I understand about allowing yourself to feel the discomfort and accepting it. I am trying to do the same.

Sending you lots of support and strength 

[vitalmayhem]

Hello & welcome. 

[Tannyluck]

Welcome to AS! You've found a supportive/informative community. Please try to remember to not compare traumas. We're all unique individuals, and we all try to cope and heal in our own way. It takes tremendous courage to share your story. I wish you well on your healing journey.