hi

[HiddenHeart]

hi ... new here

trying to figure out how to talk *safely* ... never really talked about the things that happened. saw a C for a few years & that helped some - but haven't seen her in a few years. tried to go back last summer, but she couldn't see behind the "perfect me" mask & I couldn't go back. 

hoping to be able to practice at dropping the mask a little here. I have been reading - but not quite sure about posting anything more yet.

i just want to be ok - to figure out who *i* am & have that be enough...if that makes sense? 

[SociallyAwkward]

You have a lot of emotions going on. Some of us ( including myself ) also have difficulty figuring out who we really are.

I'm a total wreck myself. More than I care to admit, but no one in my house knows because I'm always quiet. It's  easier to put on a mask and bury my emotions. I'm a man. I can take anything right? That's what society expects of me. To just brush it off.... 

I'm so glad I found this place..... Your safe here. Welcome to After Silence. 

[patriciag]

2 hours ago, HiddenHeart said:

hi ... new here

trying to figure out how to talk *safely* ... never really talked about the things that happened. saw a C for a few years & that helped some - but haven't seen her in a few years. tried to go back last summer, but she couldn't see behind the "perfect me" mask & I couldn't go back. 

hoping to be able to practice at dropping the mask a little here. I have been reading - but not quite sure about posting anything more yet.

i just want to be ok - to figure out who *i* am & have that be enough...if that makes sense? 

Hi hiddenHeart and welcome to AS. What you are saying makes sense, I hide behind my mask also, trying to lean to drop it but really don't know who I am behind it. This is a safe place to share your feelings.

Patricia

[MeBeMary]

Hi HiddenHeart,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry sorry for the trauma that you have suffered, but you have found a supportive site. I think many of us know that mask, and I know it is hard to take it off. You are safe here, tho. Take your time, you will never be judged on what you say or when/if you say it. I started by reading, and I learned that I was not alone. I never really could relate with many people, but here there are others who understand my pain and yearn to heal. You are not alone, either, we do understand. I wish you well as you travel on your path of healing.

Mary

 

[HiddenHeart]

Thank you for the welcome, SociallyAwkward ... I am usually quiet. Mostly, I watch & listen to everything going on around me. I'm trying to participate more in life...but it is hard sometimes. 

hi, Patricia. I think that is an issue for me too...not knowing who I am behind the mask. These adjectives people say, are they actually true? or is that just the portrayed me they are responding to??? Am I truly the quiet person I've been all my life? or did my history make me that way because I tried to stay under the radar? I don't know. 

thanks, Mary. safe is what I'm looking for...I've trusted a few not safe people with my story & wish I could take it back...but I'm finding that not talking about it doesn't make it go away, either. The "different types" forum had been eye-opening for me...I have always had a hard time classifying as csa & sa for different reasons...but ... there are threads that are ... so maybe it is ok that I am not ok with what happened?  So many things to think about. 

[MeBeMary]

17 hours ago, HiddenHeart said:

thanks, Mary. safe is what I'm looking for...I've trusted a few not safe people with my story & wish I could take it back...but I'm finding that not talking about it doesn't make it go away, either. The "different types" forum had been eye-opening for me...I have always had a hard time classifying as csa & sa for different reasons...but ... there are threads that are ... so maybe it is ok that I am not ok with what happened?  So many things to think about. 

I'm sorry you had people who were not safe. I can imagine how that must have felt like being hurt all over again. I know some of the forums and topics can be pretty shocking, but educating at the same time. I've learn so much in my time here, it's hard to believe there is that much. It is also very ok not to be ok about what happened to you. Nobody has the right to hurt another this way. Nobody had the right to hurt you the way you did. Take your time with the site, we aren't going anywhere.

[child]

Hello and welcome to AS

[HiddenHeart]

They say that hurt people hurt people...& I've learned that is true   Two of the people I told had histories like/similar to mine, so I thought I would be ok...but that didn't end up very well.  

Once I decide something (like joining here) I tend to want to push through it quickly...read everything, figure out where I'm at & get done with it...but that doesn't work. I am finding that I end up quite a bit overwhelmed with everything I was reading...

5 hours ago, MeBeMary said:

Take your time with the site, we aren't going anywhere.

your comment made me smile. I have one friend who doesn't know anything of my story, except that I have one...& she has said things like that to me - that I don't have to understand it all now...taking time is ok.   I'm working on that. 

hi, child. Thank you. 

[Goewin]

Hidden, Welcome to AS. 

I totally resonate with wanting to know who *I* really am. I know 'depressed and abused' me, I know 'false me', I know 'trying to make it through this' me, and I know 'pretending to be okay' me. It sucks that someone you went to for help couldn't pay attention to the fact you were asking. I hope you find another C or T who will listen. 

I look forward to seeing you around. post when you feel safe and take care of yourself

[HiddenHeart]

Hi, Goewin.

40 minutes ago, Goewin said:

I know 'depressed and abused' me, I know 'false me', I know 'trying to make it through this' me, and I know 'pretending to be okay' me.

Yes, that's it exactly! I know all of those "me's"...but I don't know if any of them are *me*. Hard to let people know me when I don't know if I know me. 

I don't know if I'm brave enough to try finding a C or T again. My church has a C on staff & I've been able to email & ask her questions - but I don't know how I feel about going to the church office to see her...I can't imagine talking about any of this while sitting in the church office. idk

Edited March 17, 2016 by HiddenHeart

[Goewin]

When I lost the C I trusted it took me about 6 months to get to a T. Now I've been with her for almost a year and a half, I'm figuring out and slowly sorting out what is and isn't me, what I like because that's who I am and what I like because of defense mechanisms and trauma. 

It isn't easy but, for me at least, having a T has been incredibly helpful... even if it was super hard to get to that point, to reach out for help and feel so vulnerable telling my secrets and nightmares to someone totally new. 

I don't know where you are in your healing journey, but you can certainly get support here until you do want a t. and if you never get to that point, thats okay too. do whats best for you. 

as for the c your church has on staff, perhaps you could invite her somewhere you feel more comfortable to talk about those things? a lot of them are really flexible about that sort of thing. 

[HiddenHeart]

After months if emailing her, I never even considered asking her to meet somewhere else...thanks for that idea. Maybe, if I get to a place where I need to talk, I'll try that & see what she says. 

it has been so long since I've told the whole story ... I'm having a hard time figuring out how to get the words to make sense. With my previous C, I told it over the course of 3 years ... I don't want to do that again - but the prospect of saying it is daunting. 

[Goewin]

I totally get that too. I haven't quite gotten the whole story out yet to anyone. Most of it, yeah, but there are still bits and pieces I keep to myself because of how I feel about them :< 

 

[HiddenHeart]

I understand that feeling ... there are pieces I never told my c ... I just could not work up the courage to do it. 

[Tannyluck]

Welcome! I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us. Feel free to browse our forums, and share when you're ready. We all share at our own pace, and nobody here will judge you.

[HiddenHeart]

Hi, Tannyluck. Thank you for the welcome. 

[Struggling88]

Welcome! 

[blondi]

Welcome to AS.