Dear Lord What Am I Doing Here

[ambird]

I'm not sure how any of this works. My entire life I've been wearing this mask and I recently realized I wasn't getting very far... I feel like nobody knows me, but I also feel like nobody would want to know the real me. I'm still not sure about all this. I'm scared of falling back into being really sad a lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is I need somebody to see ME. And I need them to tell me that I'm more than enough. I need somebody to tell me I'm not somebody that needs to stop crying or people will think there's something going on at home. I need somebody to tell me I'm not somebody that's going to ruin the family. I need somebody to understand why I took so long to decide to keep living in a world where nobody sees me. I trained myself to be ok with keeping it all hidden.

I'm not sure how any of this works. I'm trying to take off my mask, but what if he's right? What if I'm ruined and the mask is better than my reality?

I'm not sure how any of this works, but something has to. I can't wear the mask anymore.

I hope this works.

~AmBird

[patriciag]

8 minutes ago, ambird said:

I'm not sure how any of this works. My entire life I've been wearing this mask and I recently realized I wasn't getting very far... I feel like nobody knows me, but I also feel like nobody would want to know the real me. I'm still not sure about all this. I'm scared of falling back into being really sad a lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is I need somebody to see ME. And I need them to tell me that I'm more than enough. I need somebody to tell me I'm not somebody that needs to stop crying or people will think there's something going on at home. I need somebody to tell me I'm not somebody that's going to ruin the family. I need somebody to understand why I took so long to decide to keep living in a world where nobody sees me. I trained myself to be ok with keeping it all hidden.

I'm not sure how any of this works. I'm trying to take off my mask, but what if he's right? What if I'm ruined and the mask is better than my reality?

I'm not sure how any of this works, but something has to. I can't wear the mask anymore.

I hope this works.

~AmBird

Hi AmBird, welcome to AS

I do see you

you  so much more than enough

you never have to stop crying

you are not going to ruin your family

I understand why you took so long to live in a world where nobody sees you

This works by taking that first step and you did coming here as scary as that was you did it.

You are not  ruined. You are you under that mask- I believe you are STRONG under that mask. Whatever pain and hurt made it that you had to find a mask and wear it

I have worn a mask for years and to tell you the truth it is still there. But it has many holes in it. I am working hard at taking it down but I know it will take time and I am OK with that. It took along time to build it.

You are not alone AmBird, there are so many of us here on this site.

Take your time, look things over.  Reassure that you have a voice and we WILL HEAR YOU!!!

Patricia

[SociallyAwkward]

Ambird. You sound troubled and it takes a lot of courage to reach out to strangers like this, but know that in this forum you will make some good friends who will want to see you get well and live a happy life. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi ambird,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry about the trauma that you have suffered, but you are not alone. My very own first post in this forum, I spoke some of the very same things. About the mask and hiding for so long and living in denial. Just like you, I found it didn't work any more. I was confused and scared, but this community welcomed me and it welcomes you. You will find lots of support here and members here will see you and they will hear you. You deserve to heal and you are worthy enough to heal. Take your time and look around. You will find that you made the right choice in reaching out to people who do understand. I wish you the best as you walk your healing journey.

Mary

 

[ambird]

Is there a way to like people's responses to your posts, because I really really really appreciate them...

[wishinuponastar]

AmBird,

Welcome to AS! I am sorry for what brings you here and I remember feeling much the same as you when I first came here. It is a scary thing, but this board is really a comforting and supportive place. The best part about this board, is like others said, you are able to post and reply as you feel you are able. I know that at one point, unless I am crazy, there was a like option. There has been some updates to the site so it could have been on here or maybe it was another board I was on. I wish that there was a way to like or acknowledge without posting, but just like what you did, posting and saying thanks is always just like a like  Anyway, looking forward to seeing you around the board. If you need a friend, my inbox is always open. Thinking of you!

Wishin

[reglois]

    if OK