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The Inner Child Thread

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@selkiespot i'm glad to hear what sounds like certain progress ( :

i'm very inclined to get a stuffed animal for my inner child. i sense that that would comfort him. and i agree with the idea that we can do good things for our inner children even if we don't notice the difference it's making for them.


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i apologized to her this morning.

i've been struggling a lot with forgiving myself... with looking objectively and thinking, "that was an innocent child." i've felt so guilty, like i was the exception to the rule. i couldn't stop thinking about what they made me do, and i just kept telling myself that it was my fault.

the last time i saw my regular t, we tried inner child work with the thing i had most recently remembered. i couldn't find isabelle. i dissociated the entire time, went blank several times and was unable to answer questions, and i just... couldn't find her. my regular t is still on vacation, and my temporary t mentioned that she was really worried about me. i really appreciate her.

anyway... i did find isabelle recently... yesterday, i think.

it felt so different.

just... knowing and feeling how hurt she was. feeling so viscerally the desperation that she - i - had for it all to stop. 

i just don't want to contribute to that pain anymore. (seems like it's time to watch my little pony and pick flowers in minecraft.)

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did more inner child work today... it was both cathartic and kind of disturbing what happened when we went through our session. it's weird... it's weird how i can talk about it to my younger self, and that i can understand that she's still nervous and afraid to trust me, but those conversations turn into a source of comfort, honestly. i'm looking forward to having mroe of them.

it's just kind of wild diving back in and... just observing this scared little kid huddled and shaking under the bed.

i'm very tired now, but we made good progress, i think. isabelle went from distrusting me enough to stay where i couldn't see her to, at the end of the session, asking for a hug... she shouldn't have gone through this. and especially not alone.

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i just had the most impactful therapy session...

she usually guides our sessions with inner child work, but this time she had me speak directly to little isabelle the entire time. even when she had things to say to guide the conversation, she would suggest it to me, pause, and let me repeat the question/sentiment to isabelle myself.

she was so scared. she's still so scared. we've been crying together for a while, though. i told her that i've been through the same thing, and that it's okay that she's struggling, because sometimes i do too. but it's never as bad as it was then. that part is over. we're both done with that part.

my voice was shaking for the entire session, but wow am i glad i had it. i've been experiencing severe, seemingly endless flashbacks for days... i really needed this appointment; and honestly, i needed one as important as today's without realizing it.

we talked a lot about grounding techniques before we got into it. she has me tracking my ativan dosages again - i stopped taking it because i hate how it puts me to sleep, but she pointed out that this has gotten worse since i stopped entirely. she also wants me to write down negative self-talk when i'm spiraling, then type out the opposite and repeat that to myself instead as a form of cbt.

i dunno, today just... hit, y'know? i know i'm gonna be exhausted tomorrow (maybe friday, too) but i think it was worth it.

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On 9/9/2023 at 9:50 PM, Sleepographer said:

what is cbt?

cognitive behavioral therapy! my therapist describes it as slowly reconditioning yourself to replace/substitute harmful thoughts with positive/neutral ones. i'm not sure if that's the best explanation, but that's what the acronym stands for at least! it also helped me a lot in trying to learn to manage my schizophrenia.

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i tried to open up my journal last night and say my inner child could have the two pages for whatever she wanted. drew/doodled a lot of random things. tried to get her to write something with words and just wrote 'help', three different times. maybe not ready for words yet. 

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