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Trying So Hard


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Hi, I hope I can be helpful and understanding and be offered the same in return. It's hard being rejected when people you thought were friends ignore you after you reveal your experiences. Not sure if it is because of their own demons they don't want to face. Not all my friends have been like that, some are supportive, it's hard enough to put it all into words. "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." ~ Victor Hugo is so true. I trust so little, an anonymous forum like this feels safe. Plus psychiatric help is WAY too expensive. I come from a family of secrets, and am still under oppression of secrecy for reasons I cannot get into on an intro forum, all the while being geographically close to my family to help take care of a family member. I stay focused on my professional goals during the day I am very disciplined, yet I've been drinking and taking valium at night in secret, despite not suffering psychotic symptoms I had a little bit ago. Maybe staving them off? IDK. I've suffered multiple sexual assaults from being stupid and not knowing how to protect myself. I freeze or space out. Anyway, can someone help me with the avatar pic? No matter what I try to upload it fails. Thanks for reading. I'll keep reading your posts.

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I come from a family of secrets as well. I hide my pain and everyday struggle, like a jacket I have to put on everyday. The empty smiles make me sick eventually. I just recently, /weeks, have sought counseling to try and get my head in the right place. I wish I had some profound thing to tell you, but i don't. You are not alone . I'm out here trying so hard that it is making me crazy in the effort. You re not alone.

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Hi Kalini,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the abuse you suffered, but this is a very supportive site. You've hit upon a staple of this site, helping and understanding. Many times people on the outside just don't understand, but here, we all do. I like your quote, as I always seek out music that speaks what I feel. Nights are difficult for many of us, so you are not alone there. Please know that you are not stupid for not knowing how to protect yourself. There are 3 responses to abuse, freeze, fight, or flight. Tho freezing is a hard one to explain to yourself, you are not alone. It's not a conscious decision, it is you doing what you need to do to survive. I know. Many of us do. So, take the blame off yourself and place it where it belongs. On the person or people that have hurt you. I wish you well on your healing journey.



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  • 4 weeks later...

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