Hello

[speakeasy]

To my relief, I finally got in...thank you. I am 57 years old. I had a rough start in life after high school. I ended up in an abusive situation with a man. THis was back in the 70's when sexual abuse was not out in the open. I knew that this man broke into my apartment and into the bedroom that my young daughter and I shared and raped me. He was someone I had dated for a year and I had broken up with at the time. What came back to me approximately 10 years ago was this same man taking me me to his friends house. I was given some type of drug and raped by 3 or 4 men. The memories are spotty...I would say it was all a dream, but there are too many things I remember that were real, mainly,I became pregnant after the rape and all of these men took up a collection so that I could fly to NY for an abortion. The other thing that is real is the darkness that I experienced during that time. I was and am familiar with depression but this was such a dark and dead place...I know you understand. My soul was dead. Hence, the attraction to this site. These were all men I knew and business owners in the small town where I lived. When the memory came back, I was in therapy and I did tell a few select friends. I am now realizing that I have never really owned this experience. I have tried to pretend that time in my life did not happen. A lot of this has to do with having absolutely no support at the time of this incident and somehow gathering some type of strength. I did tell my brother after this man broke into my apartment...all he said was "what do you expect me to do about it." He didn't want to hear it. Today I know my parents would have rejected me...my Dad was a true fundamentalist who thought I was going to hell anyway. I am realizing the price I have paid for carrying this wound. Maybe more women of my age can now speakup through help from this site. We are the generation that even though were revolutionaries in some sense...the generation of free sex and drugs there was also much sexual abuse that was almost sanctioned at that time with no education or support to get help. We were the ground breakers who paid a severe price. I know I will get the help I need from women who have had this experience. Thank you for being here.

[Donna]

Welcome to After Silence hun, I'm sorry that you have so much to work through but please know that you're not alone and they we are all in this together.

[Vera]

(((((speakeasy))))))

Welcome to After Silence

I'm sorry for all you have been through and praise your courage for surviving

I'm looking forward to get to know you better.

[~Catherine~]

Welcome to After Silence, hun.

~Catherine

[tealight rookie]

(((Speakeasy)))

Welcome to AS.

I am so glad that you are speaking out, and not just for you, but for a generation of women whose stories are perhaps more quiet than others. I respect your courage and strength. Please know that although the age range is wide here, you will be supported and heard.

I look forward to getting to know you.

Ruthie

[Ardatha]

(((Speakeasy)))

I am 53, hun, so I definitely know where you're coming from. I'm sorry to hear about your past and certainly understand the depression you've been feeling. I am a survivor of CSA, which was not talked about at all when I was young, while it was happening. I discovered years later that telling my parents would not have gained me anything so...

Welcome to After Silence. This is an extremely supportive and caring community. I'd venture to say that you probably won't find many like this one. They're the best!

Meg

[heathbar]

WELCOME to AS

[shivedheart]

Welcome to AS. I'm glad you found us and hope you find comfort here.

(((hugs))))

Kelly

[Lindsay]

(((Speakeasy))))

Welcome to After Silence sweetie.

Lindsay

[Jessie]

Hi Speakeasy...welcome to After Silence

[Charlene]

welcome to the boards

[speakeasy]

(((Speakeasy)))

Welcome to AS.

I am so glad that you are speaking out, and not just for you, but for a generation of women whose stories are perhaps more quiet than others. I respect your courage and strength. Please know that although the age range is wide here, you will be supported and heard.

I look forward to getting to know you.

Ruthie

THank you for your warm reception. I have gotten so many and appreciate them all. I have come to a point in my life that not speaking out or really owning this experience is a price that I can't pay any more. Through this site I am hopeful that I can really see and feel this experience for what it was, accept it, I'm feeling that by not fully accepting it I am not accepting myself. There are very, very few places to go for support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[speakeasy]

(((Speakeasy)))

I am 53, hun, so I definitely know where you're coming from. I'm sorry to hear about your past and certainly understand the depression you've been feeling. I am a survivor of CSA, which was not talked about at all when I was young, while it was happening. I discovered years later that telling my parents would not have gained me anything so...

Welcome to After Silence. This is an extremely supportive and caring community. I'd venture to say that you probably won't find many like this one. They're the best!

Meg

Thank you, Meg, for your warm welcome. I too know that it would have done more harm than good at the time to tell my family. It amazes me what we have silently carried and still functioned in the world. Certain things are becoming clearer to me...how I have not stood up for myself in certain instances, the relationships I have chosen, how I will just let someone take advantage so easily, how I have lost my voice...or never really found it. We do acclimate to pain. For some reason, maybe grace, I'm starting to come out. Any advice you can give in the process is greatly appreciated. I find that I have cut myself off from people right now. It is like I just need to call a time out from everyone (including my family) and regroup. Thank you again for reaching out....I appreciate it so much.

[SnowDragon24]

(((Speakeasy)))

First and foremost I welcome you to the forum. I would love to say that the generations have changed, well to an extent they have. Unfortunately however in many aspects they haven't. The younger generation unfortunately still goes through the heartbreak of knowing their parents blame them and even shun their children for the abuse they have suffered. So yes we do have a bit of a generation gap here but we are all still tied together as survivors. I will say that it inspires me when any survivor chooses to speak up and break the chain of silence that gives this crime so much power.

Welcome to the Forum.

[Stacy]

Welcome to After Silence.