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Hello needavoice,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry for the trauma that you have suffered, but know that you have found a supportive site with many kind and understanding members. Before coming here I, and many others, had not dealt with our traumas, so know that you aren't alone in this and that you have made a big step. I have found some people are able to forgive and others cannot. You need to do what is best for you. I wish you well on your healing journey.



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Thank you Mary and Hollih.

I struggle SO hard to forgive. For me, it is work that I have to do each day. Some days it makes me really angry. Some days its just another thing that I check off the box. Since I have to work at it so hard still, so many years on, I'd say I've not forgiven yet, although I really really want to put it behind me and become unstuck.

If I'm being totally honest, which is why I am here, to be totally open and honest in a safe environment, I hide behind the mask of "everything is cheery and positive". Truth: I vacillate between a whirlwind of emotions throughout the day. I catch it at times and don't at others. I'm so excited today to actually feel something and not be in that no-feeling-land of depression, that I'm glad to be feeling, and then the reality of where I am with my life--alone, in debt, etc hits me--and I get so ANGRY and then that passes into anxiety, and so I have adapted an over-compensatory positivity that can be off-putting too. I just want "my normal" and to not be alone, to be able to exercise and not feel as though I shouldn't because I don't deserve to have a great body and long life, or that I shouldn't because it might draw attention to my body, and attract the wrong kind of guy, and the whole cycle go again.

How does one even know what is best for them? I read yesterday that courage is believing in yourself, and so I grab at that and tell myself, have courage. What I really want to do is to confront to move to resoution to move to be done with it.

Edited by needavoice2015
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Hello Needavoice!

I would like to welcome you to After Silence (AS) on behalf of the Newbie Support Team (NST) and let you know that the NST is here to help answer any questions and assist you if you have problems. I hope you will feel free to pm (private message) myself or any other NST if you need assistance and we will do our best to help you!

With support,

Activist Ally

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