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New And Afraid


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Hi, I'm Nicki. I'm a mother of three boys. My youngest boy was born with a rare genetic illness that almost took his life at just three months of age. At the same time my son was under going a risky surgery, my father had a stroke. The stress of all of this started flashbacks of incest from my childhood. I have now recovered enough memories that I know I am a survivor of childhood incest as well as physical and emotional abuse.

I'm not really sure what I am looking for here. Support mostly. Honest answers to questions I have. I have a therapist now. She is great. I actually have two, one that controls my medications also. She is amazing too.

I lost my mind when my son got sick and I'm trying to come out of this stronger. Yet I feel like I keep getting nailed with one thing after another. I have a difficult time expressing emotions and talking about what is going on in my head. I'm looking for support that can help me when I start going a little crazy with my thoughts and feelings. Friends that can laugh with me at memories that are kind of funny though also a little sick. Just not sure who is out there. Anyone?

Edited by Nicole5
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Hello Nicole,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry for all the hard things that have been going on in your family with your sweet baby boy, and your father also. I hope they are both doing better now, but I do know stress does make things resurface and it makes it so very hard. You will find AS a very supportive site. Myself, I've been here three months and everyone I have come across has been so kind and understanding. I hope you find this site as helpful as I have on your healing journey.

Mary

:notalone:

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Do you write in a journal? It would be good to start, and read what you wrote to your therapist. I think its good to be on a site like this because you can get help while helping others.

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Hello Nicole,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry for all the hard things that have been going on in your family with your sweet baby boy, and your father also. I hope they are both doing better now, but I do know stress does make things resurface and it makes it so very hard. You will find AS a very supportive site. Myself, I've been here three months and everyone I have come across has been so kind and understanding. I hope you find this site as helpful as I have on your healing journey.

Mary

:notalone:

I hope for the same :)

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My therapist and I have begun to email each other. I write to her like a journal, she reads it and acknowledges that she has seen it. She often encourages me to keep writing, tells me how hard the work is. If I've asked a question she will reply to it. Then she brings up my emails as talking points in therapy. It has helped. Last week she told me never hesitate to press send. Though, that is exactly what I do. Writing three or four emails and keeping them as drafts and never sending them. I think of them as my online journals. I'm terrified to get close to my therapist. Eventually she will leave me.

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I'm so sorry for everything you've been through! I know how difficult it is when you feel like you just can't win no matter how hard you try. I'm happy to answer questions as honestly as possible. I can't promise I'll always have the answer, but I can promise to be supportive.

:bighug::notalone::supportu:

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Thank you all for the love and support. Can anyone tell me if its normal to become very close to your therapist? I'm not entirely sure what to expect with our relationship. I started going to her when my son and dad got sick, diagnosed with PTSD and postpartum depression. I eventually confessed the memories of the incest that had started. It's been almost a year since my son's illness and now we are focusing on the incest. I'm feeling very close to her and I'm afraid of that. I feel like I need her, feeling very attached.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Nicole,

My name is Jan, and I am a member of the Newbie Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome to After Silence.

I am glad that you have joined with us. I hope that you find comfort and support here as you you get to know and connect with others in building a support system for yourself. I know dealing with any of this can be very frightening. I hope that you can soon connect with others through the forums or chat who help you feel less alone. I recently posted in the Therapy Discussion forum to an old thread on the issue of attachment that I started years ago. It talks about my own issues. It might help.

If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will help in any way possible.

Take good care,

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