New To This

[survivor36]

A year and a half ago, my boyfriend, at the time, who craved all control in our relationship and would hit me if angered, attempted to rape me in his apartment bedroom. The screams, the cries, the begging, bound hands, helplessness is all flooding back as I am now diagnosed with PTSD. Putting that night behind me for so long has only built up the anxiety and depression caused by the assault. Recently, I was in my college sociology class and we were watching a film on drugs. Seeing these people not in control of their own bodies reminded me of how I was not in control that night, giving me the worst panic attack I've had since. My body was sweating, my chest was tight, I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, and I couldn't move. I decided, after a year and a half of hiding, to finally see a counselor. Dealing with this night again and my diagnosis has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I need to keep reminding myself that I am a SURVIVOR of sexual assault... Reminding myself is hard especially with the thoughts and feelings PTSD has causes thus far. Any suggestions on how to realize that this assault was not my fault? Because I still feel so ashamed and disgusted in myself for letting it all happen..

[MeBeMary]

Survivor,

First off, I like your name. Stand by it. Second off, welcome to AS. You are not alone. We come from so many different backgrounds and have so many different stories, but we all have a couple things in common...we were hurt by someone and we want to heal.

It took me 30 years to get here, but I got here, and so have you. Healing is not easy, but it is possible. Shame and disgust should go to your ex and all the abusers out there, not us. No one has the right to hurt another for any reason. Suggestions on how do you realize that it wasn't your fault? It's not an easy thing to believe, but I will start. Survivor, it is not your fault. After you are here a little while you will hear others tell you the same thing, my hope is you will finally believe us, and than you will believe it for yourself.

Mary

[survivor36]

Thank you so much, I really do feel as if I will move past this as a survivor, as a stronger girl. And it will be because of posts like the one you just wrote to me.. I know in time, I will heal and the pain through uncovering what I tried to hide will all be worth it.

[angelic]

Hello survivor36,

Welcome to After Silence, my name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here. I also like your name, it shows strength. I am sorry for all you've been through and I hope being here will be a positive step in your healing.

if you need any help with the board,please let me know and I will do my best to help, if I can

take care, Paula