Hard Times

[Jaybird13]

Hello,

I am having a hard time posting anything, even just a post to introduce myself, I have only told one person of my past and what happened. I am 26 years old, I have a beautiful daughter and a fiance who is very supportive and he is the only person I have talked to about what happened (I told him it happened but never gave too much detail). I was triggered really bad recently and am having a hard time with life in general it feels. I have decided to take a step forward and find support and have been perusing the forum and feel the people here can actually understand how I feel and not judge me... which is something I really need right now. I have kept this mostly to myself for 8 years and never really tried to heal properly or find any kind of help so I am very proud of myself right now. I am not quite ready to tell my story as I can barely type this without crying but I want to thank you all for giving me a place where I can feel safe and get out what has been pent up inside me for so long. Thank you and I look forward to healing together.

[NorskyCourtney]

Welcome here, Jaybird. I'm sorry for the reason(s) you're here on After Silence, but, you are right that you are amongst a community of people who understand and support each other. It has been a big contributor to my healing and continued healing journey, and I trust you will find that as well. If you have any questions, don't be shy to ask, we were all newbies once if OK.

[nycgirl]

Hi Jaybird13,

Welcome to As.

I want to thank you for reaching out for support here.

You WILL find many other members that can understand how you feel and not judge you.

I realize how painful your past trauma can be, and that it causes you to cry.

I also have similar trauma memories that cause me to cry also.

There is no deadline when you must post information about what happened to you 8 years ago.

YOU decide when you are ready to share this information.

You ARE safe here.

Remember, It WAS NOT your fault,

As you browse the Forum's, you will find other members with similar stories as yourself.

Just reaching out for support here, is the start of your recovery and healing.

You CAN heal and Recover, and "You Are Not Alone".

Sending you Love, and Support.

[Alongroad]

We've all been there. I was triggered in November and I feels like my life has fallen apart. It's very hard to function with such a heavy weigh crushing you. So much darkness. It will get better. Triggers after long periods of denial can turn your world upside for a minute. You are fully capable of coming back to the other side and finding joy again. Believe it. You just need to walk a though this journey first. When you are ready, write us your story. We are listening without judgement and here to support you.

[Jaybird13]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the kind words, I've been trying to get used to posting and it does feel good to get it out even if in small bursts, but I'm not sure if I feel better or worse. The memories are terrifying and trying to sort through it in my mind is suffocating. I've noticed I have been angry for the past few months and my daughter (who is 4) told me today that I need to be nice to her dad (my fiance who is my rock) because, according to her, all i do is yell at him. It was heartbreaking and left me in shock and i'm still upset about because for the past year i have been having random outbursts of anger and depression. I had also been triggering myself and trying to convince myself nothing actually happened... i don't know I'm a complete mess and i feel nothing I do is healthy for myself or my family... i've even had thoughts of leaving my family... who thinks about that? I'm sorry this was much longer than it was supposed to be. Thank you for reading...

[Anya27]

Hi Jaybird.. I am pretty new here too and it has been such a supportive informative group and it is actually helping me open up more what happened ..... Stay strong and u will get through it ....My PTSD acts up at times so I can relate to u ...and Im thinking of reporting my incident so its tough as I have to talk details which I avoided

Supporting u fully .....

[Raindancer]

Good luck with your healing journey jaybird. It is sometimes tough and having good support is essential. That you have a supportive fiance is good to hear as being around the right people through this is so crucial. It must have been a lonely 8 years for you keeping to yourself with the pain. Time for sharing.

Be gentle with you there

[Alongroad]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the kind words, I've been trying to get used to posting and it does feel good to get it out even if in small bursts, but I'm not sure if I feel better or worse. The memories are terrifying and trying to sort through it in my mind is suffocating. I've noticed I have been angry for the past few months and my daughter (who is 4) told me today that I need to be nice to her dad (my fiance who is my rock) because, according to her, all i do is yell at him. It was heartbreaking and left me in shock and i'm still upset about because for the past year i have been having random outbursts of anger and depression. I had also been triggering myself and trying to convince myself nothing actually happened... i don't know I'm a complete mess and i feel nothing I do is healthy for myself or my family... i've even had thoughts of leaving my family... who thinks about that? I'm sorry this was much longer than it was supposed to be. Thank you for reading...

I've been having thoughts of leaving my family too and it's shocking to me. I have always been so in love with my husband, my kid, and my life in general but this bout of PTSD is making me want to run away. I think my family is probably better off without me right now. I must be really losing it because I've always felt very grateful... PTSD brings you to some dark places. Take good care of yourself.

I wish I had advice. I'm trying to stay optimistic but it's scary to think I wont be able to shake this.

[nycgirl]

Hi Jaybird13, and Alongroad,

I am sorry that you have feelings about leaving your families.

I hope that you are discussing how you feel with your Therapist.

I am also sorry that your PTSD has been getting severe.

I can relate to you having PTSD, and bringing you to dark places, as I have had my share of PTSD.

This link may be of some assistance to you, in coping with PTSD symptoms.

I have used it in the past, and found it helpful

PTSD OnLine Coach

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=107911&hl=%2Bptsd+%2Bonline+%2Bcoach

You both CAN shake PTSD, and Heal and Recover.

You Are Not Alone, and we all Support you.

Take one day at a Time.

[Jaybird13]

Thank you everyone again, and thank you for the resources nycgirl. I am currently not seeing a therapist but have been seriously considering it. Tonight was another rough night and each day that goes by makes me think about it more and more. I had never even thought i might have ptsd until i came here, my fiance is supportive and the fist to mention therapy when i told him about what happened seven years ago. At the time i was having violent nightmares that would wake him (this was when i decided i had to tell him) i was horrified at the thought and assumed they would validate my fear that it was all my fault. The nightmares appear to be back and the fear and flashbacks are taking over my life. This forum has made see the benefits of seeing someone and working through it. I am happy that my fiance and i have been talking about it more and more and i told him something today that I was sure I would never say aloud. As good as it felt to get out, it caused me to have a complete break down shortly after. Not doing so good at the moment but i know I took a huge step forward today. I shared one whole event with him in complete detail that i have always felt so ashamed of, and he held me and comforted me the best he could. I am lucky to have him.

[nycgirl]

Hi Jaybird13,

I am happy that your fiance suggested therapy for you

I feel if you saw a therapist, it could be very helpful for you.

If you cannot afford an in-person therapist, some therapists offer Skype, and Telephone sessions which are cheaper.

I am also very happy that you were able to open up to your fiance about your past traumatic event.

"As good as it felt to get out, it caused me to have a complete break down shortly after. ", this is not uncommon, because you are reliving the trauma.

I would also breakdown crying when I would talk to my therapist about my past trauma, because I was also reliving the traumatic event.

I am so happy that he is very supportive and comforting for you, and that you were not ashamed of telling him.

You ARE very lucky to have him as your fiance.

I am sorry to read that you are not doing so good at the moment, but hopefully, by the time you read this post you are much happier.

You CAN and WILL Heal and Recover.as a Survivor.

Sending you Love and Support

[ActivistAlly]

Hello,

I am having a hard time posting anything, even just a post to introduce myself, I have only told one person of my past and what happened. I am 26 years old, I have a beautiful daughter and a fiance who is very supportive and he is the only person I have talked to about what happened (I told him it happened but never gave too much detail). I was triggered really bad recently and am having a hard time with life in general it feels. I have decided to take a step forward and find support and have been perusing the forum and feel the people here can actually understand how I feel and not judge me... which is something I really need right now. I have kept this mostly to myself for 8 years and never really tried to heal properly or find any kind of help so I am very proud of myself right now. I am not quite ready to tell my story as I can barely type this without crying but I want to thank you all for giving me a place where I can feel safe and get out what has been pent up inside me for so long. Thank you and I look forward to healing together.

Ah, I'm sorry you cried as you wrote this..it sounds painful to put down into words but I am glad you found us and I am proud of you too for reaching out for healing. You're so welcome to be here!

Activist Ally