Tearsofpain

[tearsofpain]

Hi! I'm new and feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the posts. I think it will take me days to read through it all. So I’m just going to start my own.

Here’s my story and my question (haven’t found “Share your story" yet).

I was molested at a very young age-3 maybe 4 years old, before I could name things very accurately. Now I know the correct names for body parts but I am afraid to say them, especially if the others I am talking to do not say the words first. It’s like I need their permission to say the words. Does anyone else experience this?

Secondly, I was rewarded with special food after my encounters with my father. Nowadays, I find that I use those foods to comfort me when I am having difficult feelings. I will often binge and purge on the very thing that was given to me as a bribe. Am I alone in this?

Lastly, and most difficult to talk about, I was molested again when I was much older. It lasted longer than the first time. Several years. Leading up to actual intercourse. My body responded like anybody that would have been stimulated like it was. But where I think I’m different is that I will often masturbate thinking about those times. My body is having physical reactions to the memories and I am aroused. The only way to stop the memory, I think, is to complete the feeling.

So many secrets. So much fear.

Tears

Edited September 30, 2005 by tearsofpain

[Guest]

Welcome to AS. You are most certainly not alone. I am sorry you have been through all of this, but you will find many here who do understand. Take gentle care.

Hugs,

Kelly

[Donna]

Welcome to AS sweetheart. :hug:

[tealight rookie]

(((Tears)))

Firstly, welcome to AS. You are not alone

Secondly, yes, I think many people could relate to everything you have described. I know that personally, it has taken me a long time to be able to name body parts, and even now I still have problems at times. I also think my body responded to my abuse, and I certainly know that either it, or other abuse situations play a role in my sexual fantasies... I think this is pretty normal in our circumstances.

I am however so very sorry that you had to go through what you did.

Ruthie

[SLG]

Welcome Tears,

I hope youll find the support you are looking for here.

Youre not alone.

Love,

SLG

[tearsofpain]

Thanks for all the encouragement.

I couldn't wait to get home to read any replies. It does feel good to "say" these things here in this forum. It's also great to read your posts and "hear" your stories.

Thanks again!

Tears

[heathbar]

Just take your time getting into all of the threads, they can be overwhelming, but they can also be comforting esp. chat room

Heather

[Jessie]

Welcome to After Silence Tears

[Sango]

Weclome to AS Tearsofpain.

You're not alone. I think my body responded as well, and it worrired me and I felt ashamed of myself. But then I came here and posted a thread about it. Hopeully you'll feel very welcomed here.

[Charlene]

welcome to AS

~charlene~

[shivedheart]

Welcome to board!

[tearsofpain]

Thanks everyone for your replies. They really mean a lot. Especially when sharing something that is so scary. Thanks for accepting me

I am a little worried that my honesty is too much. The replies from my post in Sharing Your Story forum are gone. And I'm afraid it's something I did. The post itself is still there though I think if this post is still here-which is a hell of a lot more of a trigger than the other post-It shouldn't be because i triggered someone. Ideas?

Tears

[Vera]

I am a little worried that my honesty is too much. The replies from my post in Sharing Your Story forum are gone. And I'm afraid it's something I did. The post itself is still there though I think if this post is still here-which is a hell of a lot more of a trigger than the other post-It shouldn't be because i triggered someone. Ideas?

Tears

(((Tears))))

I'm pretty sure you did absolutely nothing wrong. We didn't delete any reply to your story. We had upgrade- problems today. The only thing I can think of is that they got deleted by mistake