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Hating Myself

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I am 40 years old and everyday I awake to someone I hate. Due in large part because the man who molested me was a family friend and I didn't say anything.. For years this has caused me to push everyone away I have no self confidence. I am unable to have a real meaningful relationship. The nightmares are daunting I feel like less than a man. Yet I was only 6 when this started happening I sometimes feel like my family would be better off if I wasn't here any longer. I need someone to talk to that understands someone to say hey your ok. Its not your fault.

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hey mtj, welcome to AS!

You are not alone... and I am sorry you are struggling so much, but you have come to the right place. AS is such an uplifting community and I hope you find the encouragement and support you need and deserve here. What that man did to was wrong and you deserve to be able to heal from it. The road to healing is long and hard, but with time it does get better. By being here, you are one step closer to things being okay. None of what happened was your fault.

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Welcome to AS, mtj. It was absolutely not your fault, you were a child, who deserved to be treated with respect and not molested. It was not your fault! I hope you will find some healing and validation and support here.

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Hello mtjj,

welcome to After Silence, my name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here. I hope you are finding your way around the board okay

If you need any help, please let me know and I will do my best to assist

take care,


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Hello mtjj, welcome to this forum/group. It will make you realize you are not alone. I'm sorry you experienced abuse when you were younger. It was not your fault.

Healing is a journey and takes time. Healing is possible. Go at your own pace. This is a good group. There is also a lot of information that could be helpful to read. Are you seeing a counselor face to face?

How is your support system? Do you have family members and/or friends who are supportive?

It is normal to feel the way you are feeling. Abuse has a huge impact on us. I have heard many survivors saying how their self-esteem has been affected and how they struggle in relationships. Nightmares are also common. They will pass.

How are you coping? What do you think could be helpful for you?

There is a book I read and I found it very helpful: "Victims no Longer" by Mike Lew. You can find it in public libraries or buy it on line.

Take care and don't forget to do the things you like and give meaning to your life. You deserve to live a good life.

May you be well

May you find peace

May your learn to love yourself

May you be happy

Stay in touch with the group.


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  • 2 weeks later...

It was absolutely not your fault. You were an innocent child. He was a monster. I am sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found us.

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Hello mtjj2323, I'm sorry you experienced abused. It was not fair.

There are many reasons why survivors did not say anything. It was not your fault. The abuse is the fault of the abuser. Always. Abusers are the ones who chose to behave the way they did.

It is normal to feel the way you are feeling at present. Sexual abuse has a huge impact. Many survivors experience nightmares, relationship issues, low self-esteem. How are you coping?

There is a book that could be helpful for you to read: "Victims no longer" by Mike Lew. You can buy it on line or find it in public libraries.

Many men say they feel less of a man. It has to do with the way men are socialized in patriarchal societies. It does not mean there is something wrong with you.

This is a good group for support. Stay in touch and keep the conversation going.

May you be well.

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I don't trust anyone anymore. I've become a hermit. I crave love but end up hating what comes with it. physical affection.

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