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Battling Ghosts After 15 Years

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Hello, I'm new to the After Silence community. I've been glancing over the forums for the past few days as time (and sanity) permits. I wasn't really sure how to jump into this, but I wanted to at least say hello and give a brief introduction. For the last 15 years (or more), I've struggled to survive, mostly in isolation. Recently, I began therapy again after a 5-year-long break from psychiatry because I have been feeling overwhelmed again with a lot of the emotions and stressors in my life. After only a couple of visits with my new therapist, I find myself obsessing over past events in my life that I thought I had dealt with and moved on from; but I'm experiencing flashbacks, dissociation, and panic attacks with more frequency. Three weeks between appointments leave me wondering what do I do in the meantime until the next appointment. That's what brought me here. I hope to find a little emotional support from others who have gone through similar situations and offer what I've learned along the way, as well. ~GhostWriter

Edited by GhostWriter
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Welcome, I am also new to the forum and am seeking support from those who would understand. My situation is at least 15 years in the past, and maybe 20. I don't have access to all the memories yet, but each new one leaves me shaking in my boots wondering what is coming next. I'm just now starting the process of finding therapy, in the meantime there is solace in realizing that I am not alone.

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Hello Ghostwriter,

welcome to our community, I'm Paula, one of the newbie support team here. If you need any help with any aspect of the board, please contact me. I hope you find this a positive experience in your healing journey, please know that you are not alone here.

take care, Paula

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Thank you, all, for the comments. I didn't think it was possible for me to isolate myself any more than what I have for the last 10 years or so, but I have no one other than my boyfriend who I talk to on a regular basis. I'm not even sure how to "open up" on here. I've found that even on the internet, I constantly second-guess what I'm trying to say which leads me to saying nothing at all. Anyone else have this problem?

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Wow Ghostwriter.... it's almost like I was reading about myself! Thanks so much for posting! I am new here too, actually just joined today and yours is the first post I read.... and this is my first post! I have been dealing with this over and over again for the past 21 years. I have lived mostly isolated for the last 8 years, except for my husband and kids. I only talk to my husband. Between my issues with this, and also dealing with multiple chronic illnesses I have withdrawn pretty much completely. I am finally seeking professional help, my first appointment is in 2 weeks. I'm already really nervous, having flashbacks ..... It baffles me why this hasn't just ended.

I also erase and write over, constantly second guessing myself. I have wrote pages upon pages only to hit delete! I almost feel bad saying that it is nice to know I'm not alone. I hate to know other's have gone through this too. It's nice to know someone understands none the less! ;)

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Welcome, overit73! We'll get to know the community together. :)

I have wrote pages upon pages only to hit delete!

I know what you mean. I have done exactly the same thing! I started a blog a couple of years ago and did very well on it last year, posted almost every single day as a result of taking the 366 day photography challenge. This year has been a completely different story, though. I'm lucky if I post a couple of times per month for this very reason. Making myself interact with other bloggers has become as much of a challenge for me as talking to people in real-life. I agree that it is nice to know someone understands.


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It has become really hard for me to talk to people too. I have never blogged, but I have played a lot of MMO's. As the years have gone on, I have had an increasingly hard time even talking to people in games. It makes me so nervous when someone tries to talk to me when I am not prepared.... and making a phone call can send me into a panic attack! It has drove me crazy for years being like that, when I used to be such a friendly, outgoing person. I miss my old self, but I haven't seen her in so many years, I fear I never will!

Thanks for understanding! I really does help so much!

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My former therapist said sometimes we would go back to counseling due to life circumstances bring up stuff that needed to be address or just help us cope with the current stuff. The new stuff will remind us of the old. Sometimes it can be that the root cause was missed the first time


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Hi all,

I am also new to this site. I know exactly how you feel GhostWriter. I've been battling my demeans all my life and wonder if they will ever go away. I wish I could go back to therapy, but with insurance the way it is these days you don't get much anymore. I attended a group years ago, for a few years and it did help me get some it off my chest.

At least here there are others who face some of the same challenges, and my be able to give comfort. :butterfly:


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:sor: you all have to be here :notalone::bighug: if OK I have found such comfort here. Other peoples courage in posting their stories have given me the courage needed to start posting a bit of my own.

Edited by reglois
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  • 1 month later...

It does gets better everyone, there is hope. I am a 38 year survivor of rape. I did not speak up for 20 years which caused a whole lot of emotional problems, drug addiction, isolation, in and out of abusive relationships, it destroyed my relationship with my entire family. I am now working with rape victims as an advocate, I have started learning martial arts to bring back my self esteem and confidence, not to mention the next prick that tries to rape me will be finding himself at his own funeral. I highly recommend you ladies taking a class in Women's self defense, martial arts, it has helped me so much. I wish I had taken this a long time ago. Also start replace negative emotions and thoughts with positive emotions and thoughts, as long as you think negative then negative will return to you, think positive and positive will come to you. My goal is to help all women to regain what was taken from them and when you learn this then you will also learn that your abuser loses and you win. It is possible to rise above, I am proof! There is hope ladies and we must all speak up against sexual abuse....IT MUST STOP!!! Hugs to you all and hold you head high, you are precious, beautiful and strong and you will rise above! Hang in there! We are strong!

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  • 3 months later...


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