Introductions

[LeeK]

Hello there all,

First of all, thanks to all who have had the vision for this site. I have needed something like this!

I will save the "whole story" for when I can post there; but want to tell you all a little about myself and my situation I find myself in.......and why my male, late 40s world is upside down.

My mother died when I was young and as a result, my dad had to put my younger sister and I in the hands of a neighbor before and after school -- the primary caregiver was a wife of a law enforcement officer -- along with her son. They were strict disciplinarians, and I was always afraid that if my sister messed up, spilled something, she would get punished. I remembered a knot in my stomach when she did anything "wrong".

As an adult later, my sister shared with me that she had been abused there, but that she had no specific memories of that time. I could not remember anything at the time, but that I always felt bad for when she got punished. My dear sister has never been able to maintain a long term intimate relationship but has been seeking after help in that regard.

Meanwhile, I have had a relatively "normal" marriage, kids, careers -- my recent career is -- let's just say a Christian helping profession. However, for probably 10 years I have felt something was wrong with me but could not get a handle on what it was....kind of a dread and sadness for no apparent reason. Add to that odd feelings, fantasies, desires, questioning of sexual orientation or even gender identity - you name it, I think I have felt it. Still am. Got lots to figure out yet....Add on top that I suspect my wife was abused too.....that's another story.....

Suddenly, almost right after New Year 2013 came around -- within that first week -- I woke in an absolute panic, having seen in my dreams clearly -- what happened to me. Suffice it to say, I had been abused sexually by three people at least. I also was able to see (as if I was small again) some of what happened to my sister, thus validating her beliefs (we have begun sharing some letters back and forth via encrypted files for mutual remembering and encouragement). I keep getting more and more flashbacks piecing the puzzle together... bit by bit.

On one hand, I find myself in a strange situation not quite sure which way to go; on the other hand, I am happy that I have had a revealing "ah ha" moment that explains a lot of why I have felt the way I have (and that I am not slowly going crazy!). I do know that, no matter what, I have to try to find north again and I want to become whole and find healing; obviously there are things eating at me I did not know were at work.

That's all for now -- I appreciate any prayers and words of encouragement (for myself as well as my sister)!

Hugs,

Lee

[silent no more]

:aswelcomesu: :aswelcomesu: :aswelcomesu:

~SNM~

[angelic]

Hello LeeK,

welcome to AfterSilence, My name is Paula, and I am one of the Newbie Support team here. I'm glad you found us, and I am truly sorry for all you've been through, you will find lots of support and encouragement here. If you need any help with the board, please let me know,

also, let me offer you my prayers for both you and your sister on your healing journey,

take care, Paula

[Cace]

Hi, I also often have dreams that reveal memories of abuse from my childhood I had no recollection of before, the brain can be very good at protecting us from those things but I still always had the feeling of something having been wrong too. Hope you and your sister can process everything and start to feel better soon

[reglois]

I also *think* I was abused as a kid but cannot remember anything of my childhood bar the beatings and very non specific things then it all stopped at 18, no idea why

Edited September 4, 2013 by reglois

[truffles15]

Hi, I also have dreams remembering what happened. I have no trouble putting behind me what happened, until the nightmares happen again and then it's like reliving it all over and over again.

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Edited September 5, 2013 by truffles15

[LeeK]

Hi, I also often have dreams that reveal memories of abuse from my childhood I had no recollection of before, the brain can be very good at protecting us from those things but I still always had the feeling of something having been wrong too. Hope you and your sister can process everything and start to feel better soon

Hey there Cace,

A psychologist friend that is in my organization told me that he believes that we were created with a safety valve -- like a pressure cooker we use to cook beans in here -- that when facing horrible situations allows it to shut down -- to protect itself. I wonder if that is what happened to my sister and I -- we just blocked it out completely. Why some people start remembering in their 40s, nobody knows exactly.....

[LeeK]

Hi, I also have dreams remembering what happened. I have no trouble putting behind me what happened, until the nightmares happen again and then it's like reliving it all over and over again.

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Thanks Truffles. In an odd way, it helps to make sense out of my feelings and on the other, I get all churned up inside and stomach aches and gagging for awhile until I settle down. Thanks so much for your hugs and prayers! Lee

[LeeK]

I also *think* I was abused as a kid but cannot remember anything of my childhood bar the beatings and very non specific things then it all stopped at 18, no idea why

My sister cannot remember anything at all during that time. My wife, who I suspect was abused too, has absolutely no recollection of her childhood except that she moved around a lot. I know that they carry a lot of grief, anger, trust issues around. I have some of those issues -- sudden saddness for no apparent reason that just hits me out of the blue....

Hugs

Lee

[doogie]

i also have trouble remembering exactly what happened to me

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.
Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found