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Found 6 results

  1. It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head I think some of this is coming from DS watching sequisha. Never really saw him before and I guess seeing him and how he resembles him made me sick! Plus the video game rage and guitar playing just took me back there for a minute!!!! I had to run to the bathroom and hyperventilate a little. Now I guess things are flooding back some. I remember inappropriate things he did as a teacher in high school: -Talking about how he had a large di*k (wtf. everyone laughed, nobody cared) -Talking about sex games he played in college. -Talking about masturbation; both male and female. -Joking about his bass guitar playing being like playing with a clit. -Letting us watch Dane Cook standup (it was funny in some parts) but I remember feeling uncomfortable when the joke was about female masturbation and how it was like being a disc jockey, which we knew he was. -He always wanted us to open up about our problems, like trying hard to get us to talk to him on a personal level or help us one on one with projects. Like one instance during lunch, I was working on homework and he asked me if I needed help, to which I said "no" but he kept trying to get me to let him help me. But I didn't need help so I said no. I wonder what he would have done if I said yes... -He told us he had insane insomnia and barely slept at night. - He also told us he would black out/ pass out sometimes and had done that since he was a kid. -R trying really hard to get me to join their school band "mr. m said he wants me to ask you to sing!" We had done homework together a few times and we would listen to music and I sang I guess and I do remember her saying I had a nice voice; which she must have told him about. Sick. -He gave me the history award at the end of the year and there was actually no reason for it at all. It made R kind of jealous and mad I guess and I think it was easier for her to pull away from me that following year...she never understood why she wouldn't have been given the award because she was his "favorite student" and yea I didn't get it at all either and still don't get why. -I remember apologizing on behalf of my boyfriend N my senior year (before the rape, obviously). I felt like I had to apologize for how N kept making uncomfortable jokes and things. He looked at me like "you should be sorry" Like everything HAD been my fault. I don't know why I felt I needed to do this. I don't remember exactly what pushed me to do it. I mostly remember more about which room we were in in school, the giant windows that showed the traffic on the downtown street. And his look of pure disdain at me Random fragments & recovered memories: -I remember running out of the office crying the day I was telling them he raped me. I saw people in the computer lab and I looked right at R and she looked at me as I was crying and looked concerned. I wish I could have screamed it then! HE RAPED ME . But I couldn’t I am so weak -After I was raped the first time when I was 17, I was In a lot of pain. It made me nauseous to shower and even touch down there. It was a horrible reminder- I remember wanting the pain to just be gone so I didn’t have to think about it -I remember shaking with fear "you look terrified" *smile* "I'm not going to hurt you. Just relax, you'll enjoy it if you don't tense up" 🤢 -I remember N telling Storm my life. Storm then turning around and talking to z and also J and telling them things N was telling them in confidence...which was how word got back to z about N's legal case and things of that sort... - I remember one single memory alone of being in a car, I was naked. I was was bleeding from somewhere down there. It all hurt, both my vagina and my bum. I don't remember when this was or what happened before or after. -I remember being given a ton of water. I was always thirsty and I was always given a lot of water. -I remember being really alert with certain memories. Fragments of others. Maybe some memories were more intense and memorable? I have no idea. -I also remember not being able to talk sometimes. Physically unable to speak. I could make noises and try to talk but I couldn't move my mouth much or form words. He would want me to respond to him but I physically could not do it. It was like my jaw was wired shut or something. -I remember wanting him to choke me more to kill me but he wouldn't, he just laughed "that's not fun for me" -I remember one of the guys who used me had brown skin; light brown skin. He had a chest tattoo that said love on one side and pain on the other. -I remember performing oral sex on him ^ while someone was having sex with me from behind. I had to stop because I couldn't breathe and he was decent about it. Let me catch my breath. -Another memory I have with him is him ^ giving me water and another of him showering me, washing my hair. I don't know why he would have been doing that unless I couldn't do it myself or didn't want to. Which I can't imagine why I wouldn't want to unless I thought it would make me less desirable to have sex with. -I do remember not shaving for a while and him making me shave. Told me he would do it if I didn't. -I also remember how much he hated when I would get a tan or when I pierced my body or got tattoos. He told me he would cut the tattoo off of me.. it got to a point he would inspect me completely before we did things. It was so invasive! Him looking at every part of my body and telling ME what he didn’t want on my body... I felt like I didn’t exist. My body wasn’t mine -I remember when DS (my husband) and I first met he wanted to get me to sq*; this was scary for me-I was paranoid he knew something or saw something about me; it was eerily specific and made me weary but I guess he knew nothing... -My car was also always being fucked with when I lived in Ohio. Weekly had to call work telling them I would be late because something was cut on my car, again. When I moved, it was stolen, cleaned out, abandoned, then repossessed. -When I moved to Cali, someone burned my dads house down. Found out it was a guy I went to high school with. He was paid to do it and nobody really knows who paid him to do so because he was just a street kid who lives on the streets when he is out of jail. Update: -After the second attack, I remember waking up on the bed with urine on me. I was naked and I was sore and I remember just being elated I was in my room. But I was on the wrong bed so I knew that was off. I was naked, I peed, I saw blood on the blanket beside me. I saw needle marks. My body was so sore. Everywhere. But I tried to tell myself no it was just a dream. Had to be. But dreams don’t leave physical marks... when I found my phone I guess I realized this was a real thing and I panicked. I remember falling to the floor and hurting myself. Screaming nasty things at myself. I hated myself. I was nothing. I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck. I wanted to die. But I didn’t want to die at my grandmas house and her find me there and I didn’t know what to do. So I showered. I crawled Into my bed, hurting so much. I smoked and I went to sleep eventually. I remember waking panicking that entire night. What felt like every half hour. When I would wake up it felt like I was holding my breath in my sleep before being startled awake. I couldn’t cry though. I was numb. Just scared. Hated myself but couldn’t die at my grandmas and I could barely walk so I just laid in bed miserable, broken. Completely shattered. Ripped apart. Every inch of my body hurt. My jaw. My throat. My arms. My legs. My vagina and bum. I felt sick to my stomach. My head hurt. I just felt like I had been mauled -DS telling me about the rumors from high school; how I would have sex in the student parking lot during school -I asked him why he hated me so much once, why he wanted to hurt me so badly. He just half smiled and wrinkled his brow, "I'm not hurting you?" -I remember a time I had made him angry, something I said.. But he pushed me and bent me over a bathroom counter and started hurting me in my bum again. That’s what he did when I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. The table was digging into my rib cage and hips and I remember not knowing what body part hurt more in that moment. I kind of focused on relaxing my body so it wouldn't hurt so much he made me look in the mirror and he told me I was a dumb w**re and nobody would want me -I couldn’t eat when I was with him- not that he didn’t let me but I physically couldn’t. Just things like apples and mandarins, everything else made me sick. it would get to points where I couldn’t perform the way he wanted me to- physically or the one thing he wanted me to do because I was dehydrated and he would get angry with me, keep me and make me do more things -There were times when he finished, he would make me look him in his eyes. He would grab my face and squeeze "open your eyes, look at me" as he was shaking me back and forth making my jaw hurt.. So I would open my eyes, sometimes looking in his eyes and sometimes looking between his eyes (thank you Dwight Schrute). Then he would cum. He burned these moments into my head. The worst part is I have thought about these memories while having sex and sometimes it repulses me and other times it doesn’t ... 🤢 -He wouldn’t tie my hands or hold my hands down himself after so many times. He would make me put my hands in certain places and if I moved them he would rip my hair or something to remind me I had to put them where he wanted them. Sometimes he made me put my own arms behind my Back and hold them there. That was so painful after a while. -This memory was in a hotel room. He had his camera set up on a tripod. "You look warm. Take all your clothes off. Turn around. Get on the bed on all fours. Yea, like that." He comes over to me after doing something to his camera. He starts having sex with me. He pushed me down on my stomach, and that's when he made me do what he wanted.. . He wouldn't stop doing things to me and it made me feel out of control. He was Making me do so much this specific time and I was so exhausted. I just wanted to lay down in the bed and close my eyes. But he kept going. He made me do all kinds of things :cry:It was over and he gave me drugs, I drank some liquor and I passed out right next to him -There were multiple times I had to lay down next to him out of pure exhaustion. He would stay with me and watch tv or other stuff. Sometimes I would wake up to find him asleep too. I felt fucking horrified. I wanted to get up and leave when I saw him so close to me, but whenever I would move to get up, he would move and it was just pointless -he would make me watch videos he made that’s how I know he really did record things. I don’t know why he made me watch them...but I can remember feeling disconnected from what I was seeing. It all felt unreal. -He also let me use my phone when I was with him. Sometimes I would “forget it” at home mostly because he almost always smashed them at some point of DJ called me or something. But he would let me text people back sometimes if I did have it. He always watched what I was writing, it had to be short and he would read before I sent it -I can remember being so soaked with sweat and then after everything was done, the extreme cold chill that would come over my wet body. It was the worst. I would get the worst shakes. The drugs and alcohol helped most of the time --One night when I was with him and DJ had called me a few times, he took my phone and threw it in the toilet and pissed on it. -"Please, I don't want to do this!" he mocked me in a whining voice. So I stopped asking for anything and just did. -I don't remember some of the violent parts, Except choking when I wasn't drugged. I think my brain blocked them out. But I will have phantom pains during panic attacks associated to memories I only have pieces and parts of not ready to write about those yet though. -I can’t even talk about the parts Where I just did what I knew he wanted me to do- those memories feel consensual even though I know they weren’t :cry:the times I would wake up and flinch because he was laying next to me and then he would make some kind of joke and I would just smile and nod, dead eyes. I think my eyes are still dead -The first time I remember being made to have sex with someone I didn't know, I was absolutely horrified. I don't know if this is the first time because my memory was horrible then, but this memory I remember being scared. This is so hard for me to talk about still. Even though other things were horrifying as well, this was when I remember thinking for sure my life had to be over. I was going to be used by this person I didn't know and my initial rapist (we will just call him z) was finally going to kill me. These people were going to use me and throw me into the woods like garbage.I didn't know this person. He was white. I don't remember his face. Or his hair color. Or eyes. I just remember his smell. Sweaty. Spit from kissing me I HATE the smell of spit. OMG fucking hate it! I felt so grossed out being raped by z, but this was just so strange I didn't understand it! I didn't know what to think of anything going on. I don't really know how to put it into words. I felt betrayed by z. Even though, yea, all he did was betray me. But this was like a really huge "fuck you. I hate you. You are nothing." I didn't get why this was something he wanted to do to me. Maybe break me ? ^ He made me get on my hands and knees and he started having sex with me vaginally. I remember being so scared, trying to focus on breathing. I had no idea what to expect next. It all felt like a nightmare that just couldn't be real! I was fucking petrified. I went in and out. Don't remember most of this. I remember different positions, some choking with something he had (some kind of cloth), hair pulling, smacking. I tried to focus on my thoughts. I really tried to think positively. But bad things kept coming to my brain. "I am seriously dead soon. This is really happening. I hope it isn't too painful. Or too bloody." "Would anyone ever find me?" I was thinking of the fun my cousins and I had growing up. All the laughing. Family. Mourning that I would never be anything more than this. No love. No kids. I wondered if N would know who did it if I was ever found. Or did he forget about me? Probably... I don't remember when it was over or anything else. -He made me dress up as a cheerleader once with no panties on under my skirt. Made me do a cheer to that Ohio state song I won’t name right now because I can’t 😢 so whenever he made me kick it was just like he could see everything of me....💔 i know he made me do something sexual to myself because I remember feeling so humiliated he was watching me. I pretended to like what I was doing but I didnt and I couldn’t because I was too embarrassed. He knew and told me to try something else or he would show me how to like it. So l told him to show me 😣 so he did things to me. And sometimes when these things are done to me I can’t feel them. I numb my body out completely. -He had off the wall fantasies. Wanted me to be pretend I didn’t know him and I was just some sl** he picked up off the street to "fuck" he said. Or the time he recorded my genuine reaction to him making me have sex with some guy with that love & pain tattoo, some other white guy and him. That was a rape video he recorded. A genuine rape video. Wherever it is 😞 this one is really hard to talk about honestly. I don’t feel like it can possibly be real but I remember the feelings I had. The pain. The thoughts I was never going to be able to have a life outside of this. I was just a slave to be used by whoever whenever forever. I didn’t have any other purpose. My stomach hurt. I was queasy and cramping. I had the shakes for a while and I remember him saying things like “yea you can’t control your shaking legs” he knew what he wanted how he wanted and just moved me around like a rag doll. Any which way he wanted. It started with oral on the mixed guy. I remember gagging and almost puking. He seemed to be pleased with that 😞 then he pushed me down on stomach, lifted my bottom up and started having sex with me vaginally. I was crying because it was hurting. I was being mocked by one or all of them I don’t remember. I think I started crying too loud because I remember him getting close to me and telling me to “shut the fuck up” “shut up” over and over . “Shut” thrust “up” thrust over and over again. I don’t remember when I stopped crying. I remember how it all ended though. He pulled himself out of me and just jammed it into my mouth and then he pulled it out and came on my face. Then he stared fingering me and I didn’t get why because he was done! But then I realized I was going to have to do whatever the others wanted to do with me. And one just came over and started having sex with me too. I didn’t even have a chance to wipe the stuff off of my face. I was doing that as he started having sex with me because I felt horrible having one guys cum on me while someone else was now using me 💔 all I could smell was cum and spit. I just wanted to die!!!! I remember trying to get away but I couldn’t because there were two others . He wasn’t interested in anything but a rough scenario this time so he was throwing me around and being aggressive also. I didn’t care though this time I was hoping they would kill me together in this room. I begged him to choke me and kill me “this is better. We are having fun” he used me every way. I had to give oral to the guy at the edge of the bed while I was being rammed behind. And I orgasmed. Only because he was touching my clit and pinching it. “See look you like being double teamed. How about this” he pushed my head down and told me not to scream Or he would be rough and he put himself in my bum again of course I cried because I hate it 💔 after a min he made me get up and before I knew what was happening I was being shoved down On top of the one guy and he was inside of me and then I felt him inside of me behind me and they were both raping me in both places. My body didn’t like what was happening and it just went limp. I remember being told to stop that. He would shake me or smack me or pinch me to keep me present. “Are you dehydrated? Why aren’t you squirting??” “Idk” “well do it” “I don’t want to!!” “stop crying” “I can’t" -I remember once I went to the hotel before him and I was in the shower and he came in while I was in the shower and grabbed me out and did what he wanted to me 😞 for some reason I was in the mindset that I needed to just play along and be into it and let myself relax so I could enjoy it. So that’s what I did. We did that for a while. I can remember thinking it was one of those times that it just went on forever and I probably dissociated because I don’t remember much but being a sl*t Why is there so much? Does anyone else's recovered memories and post abuse realizations look this lengthy?? I am feeling stupid and pathetic about it all 💔
  2. In 2011, I was not with N anymore. I was working a lot. At this point, I was living in my grandmas house again. I had a lot of alone time since they were not home for chunks of time. My grandma worked a lot and her husband worked for an airline. They also traveled a bit. I liked the privacy and the solace though, until the second rape. My grandma was able to travel a lot for free, perks for having a husband in the field. So they would go on vacation together sometimes to visit family or friends in Florida or Texas mostly. This particular time I was home alone while they were gone for about two weeks. After they were gone for about two days, I heard noises downstairs. Thinking it was our outdoor cat, a cousin, or maybe even my grandma home early sick, I went down my steps to see. When I reached the dining room, I saw someone at the counter moving toward the island touching things and I thought for sure it had to be family. But then he looked up at me and I remember freezing for what felt like way too long, or maybe everything was slow motion; I don't remember what he said to me. I had a bad feeling and I knew I needed to try to get away from him. This was terrifying. I will never forget the pure panic I felt. It makes it harder to open up about these specific things at this point because I realize some people wouldn't want to believe these things can happen. Or maybe he just made me think nobody would ever believe me no matter what. I don't really know. I am only just allowing myself to admit most things about this entire thing This house I lived in with my grandma and her husband was spacious and my neighbors weren't very close. We also didn't really lock the doors back then. And I actually didn't even think about it either... I just never..imagined. I knew I wasn't safe at my old high school. I never thought I wouldn't be safe from him in my own home. I thought he got what he wanted. All the paranoia of feeling watched felt real now. I instinctively screamed out of pure fucking horror. He was saying things but I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. I turned and ran back toward the stairs to my room (which was on the second floor, almost like a studio apartment room). I wanted my phone! I ran upstairs and he let me. Only to chase me with laughter. "I need a huge favor! You knew you'd see me again!" There was nowhere for me to go. I was looking for anything that I could use as a weapon. I had no idea what to do. My neighbors weren't close enough to hear me scream. But I was screaming for him to not kill me. I thought for sure that's why he came there. He grabbed me from behind, pulled and sniffed my hair. "Are you scared?" He shoved his hands in my pants, touching me and putting his fingers in me. He smelled like alcohol, which immediately reminded me of N. "Please don't do this to me, my grandma is coming home soon" "She can watch me ruin you!" I was trying to get away again, kicking, yelling at him to let me go. "Keep screaming, you're making me hard." I had two beds in my room and one was my guest bed on the other side of my room by this large window facing the large front yard. He threw me down onto that bed. Had something in his hand and I didn't know if he took it from his pocket or had it in his hands the entire time. They were scissors from our kitchen, and I thought for sure he was just going to start stabbing me so I mentally prepared for it. I closed my eyes as hard as I could and tensed everywhere. He put the cold blade against my skin, I screamed, and he started cutting my clothes off instead. He told me he could do whatever he wanted. Could have me when he wanted. He was in my house and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. He told me I was pretty much his property. I remember how badly it hurt when he was pushing on my legs, like he could get them further apart by smashing them into the bed. He was always purposely rough I think because I really felt like he hated me. "I own you. You are fucking nothing." "I could just choke the life out of you. But then I wouldn't be able to do this." And he did actually choke me this time. I stopped listening to what he was saying eventually because he was being so obnoxious, very dominant. Simply because he could and he liked the power he had over me in my own space. I have no idea how long it lasted. At one point I remember him slapping me in the face "Hello? Take this" So out of defeat and hoping it would be over soon, I did what I was told to do. He gave me a pill. He continued doing things with me which I remember up until a point. This next bit is so hard to type. Fuck. The more I think about it, the more I realize how he wanted to scar me these ways. I really believe he wanted to ruin me. I think killing me would have been too easy for him; he wanted to torture and control me. I think these realizations are why I really avoid writing it. Thinking about it. I don't want to remember that rage and hatred. He rolled me over and pinned me completely down, I could not move. I was fucking freaking out. I feel like I am watching it all happen again He put my arms behind my back and leaned into my ear and whispered "Have you ever been fucked in your ass?" I remember trying with all my strength to try to wiggle him off of my back. I never ever thought...it never crossed my mind. I was screaming and sobbing and begging. "I'll do anything else you want. Please don't" And it was all what he wanted. "Don't freak out, you'll like it!" "NO" He ended up tying my hands with something "sshhh , stop. Calm down." He touched my body and then pushed my butt cheeks apart and said vulgar things about my body part. Then he started trying to put it in my bum. "You are too tight, I'm going to fucking rip you apart!" "Noo, Please!" (<I hear this every single day in my head; my own screams) "I'll never be able to get this in *spit*" After however long it seemed to be working easier for him. He was just jamming it in and all I could do was whimper because it hurt so badly. I couldn't form words because the pain was too much. It felt like he was using a knife. He kept saying things, but I didn't focus too much. The last thing I remember was being on my stomach and feeling very tired. The constant thumping of my body because of him was actually putting me to sleep. Maybe whatever pill he gave me kicked in. That's the last thing I remember there. I don't have the best memory of this next few days. I don't know if things are in order, what I am still missing, what fragmented memories I do have fit where; it's all still blurry and I really hope it stays blurry. One thing I remember was I was in the back of a car as it was moving. I was naked. I was going in and out. I remember it was dark out. Seemed like just blackness. Another, I started freaking out, having a panic attack at one point. I couldn't catch my breath and thought I was dying because he poisoned me or something. Another memory I have is in a room I didn't recognize thinking I was going to die, he brought me here to kill me. So many thoughts paralyzed me with fear here. I heard people, sometimes talking. Did he need help killing me? Couldn't do it on his own? I was in this room where there was only a bed, a blanket over the window, and a table. I remember being given more drugs in the arm with a needle. I wasn't terrified anymore and I guess I was more compliant, but I knew this was a situation I didn't want to be in, if that makes any sense. I wasn't restrained that I recall. People used me however they wanted to in this time I was here. I don't know how many there were. I remember two faces besides his, so I guess three people that I know of. I don't remember a lot of it, just random things I can't totally make sense of. Like showering, but not being able to stand so someone was cleaning my hair? I don't even know. Or humiliating details of being used by two men at the same time. I didn't have any sense of time because there was this thick blackout blanket thing over the window and I couldn't tell whether it was day or night. I knew my grandma was gone for days so she wouldn't even know I was gone until she came home. I thought I was going to be dead and thrown in the woods and never seen again. At least I wouldn't be home for my grandma to find though. And those were my constant thought scenarios when I was aware enough to think thoughts... At one point when I was more lucid (I was being cooperative for the most part), he asked me if I wanted to go home. I just didn't respond because I figured this was just another taunt to get me to crumble emotionally so he could get a fucking boner. "How badly do you want to get in the car and go? Badly enough to get on your knees and beg??" He shoved me onto the floor and told me to beg him. "You're such a w**re. Nobody could look at you and think you're not" He made me give him oral. He liked to tell me he owned me while doing these things. He told me I looked like a junkie, that's all anyone would think I was. "You have two options, you're crazy or you're a w**re. You can pass for both" "Do you think anyone cares about you enough to believe you? They'll laugh, you look pathetic." "Do you think anyone even realizes you're gone? They don't even notice." Like beating it into my head..He just kept moving my head the way he wanted until he was done. "Yea, swallow it all" He made me He wouldn't take his di*k out of my mouth until I did...Even though I was about to puke all over him. But I think guys like to see women gag on them. He choked me when I was done "I could squeeze the life out of you. No one would care to fucking look for you!" "But I'm having so much more fun doing this" He let go of my throat at some point. I was trying to breathe, sobbing. Imagining I was dead soon and wishing he would just do it sooner than later. I just felt so fucking done. Tortured. It was like he knew exactly how to break my spirit to turn me into what he wanted. He walked away from me, and I got scared he was getting a knife or something but he came back with a pill and some kind of liquor. "You want some candy" he shoved a pill in my mouth and told me to swallow. I gagged on the pill. He gave me that shot. I drank. He was singing "I want candy" which sends me into the fetal position whenever I do hear it now and again. I don't remember all of what followed. He told me I would like it. Everything gets very trippy around then. Everything I thought and felt just felt right. I don't really know how else to explain it. What I do remember my body began responding in a positive way to the things he was doing to me. Even though he was being very dominant, my body responded the way he wanted me to, without me wanting to! I remember thinking I needed to try to hide it as much as I could, but he caught on eventually. "Stop closing your eyes!" "Yea, see you like that. Moan!" The feeling of connecting shame and dominance with pleasure is hard to get past when you aren't a willing participant. I am not turned on by being used as a rag doll. But that night my body responded as if I was. I don't really know how to explain it... After what seemed like forever, he took me downstairs of this house. I was still completely naked. There were other people downstairs I remember seeing and this was humiliating. I felt like absolutely nothing. He jabbed my arm with a needle, and I welcomed the high. I felt relieved in that moment and for a bit after I guess. Pretty sure he took me to the car, the next memory I have is being naked in the backseat. Maybe a control thing as to why he kept me naked? Or I just didn't have any clothes since he cut them off of me before. I have no idea. I don't remember anything about getting home. I think he waited for me to come to, because I remember basically everything when I first got home. We were sitting in the idle car, he was smoking and I sat up but my right hand was tied to the door handle with a zip tie looking thing (black and thick). He threatened me a little more "Nobody will ever believe a drug w**re. You'll end up in jail for prostitution.You think anyone would believe you're not a w**re?" He opened the door I wasn't tied to and got in the back with me, "if you bite me I will choke you" and he put a mint in my mouth and he made me give him oral while he recorded it. He was so obnoxious with it I fucking hate these memories. He told me to swallow it again "don't pretend you don't like the way I taste." He got out and opened the door I was tied to and it pulled me out and down onto my driveway. I knew it was my house because of the Buddha garden decoration my grandma had by a tree in the yard. I don't know why I didn't scream here. I was so thankful just to be home. He put more drugs into my tied up arm, and then I remember not being tied up anymore. I remember being really cold. A snapshot memory of him carrying me over his shoulder. I don't remember much about how I got into the house or anything like that. I must have passed out. I woke up naked and in the bed he raped me in before. I had pissed on myself. I woke up in a panic. Wondering if I just had the worst nightmare of my life. Realizing I was naked and there were needle marks on me. I thought I was going insane. I genuinely spent hours trying to convince myself it couldn't have really happened. But the more I saw bruises and tracks, my bum hurt, there was also dry blood on my bed where he raped me anally before (how badly it felt I thought there would have been more blood). I realized somehow this was real. But it couldn't possibly be!! I was wondering how I let this happen to me again. How did I survive? Why did he let me live? And come back home? Why didn't he just kill me? I needed to call the cops. But I looked fucking insane rocking back and forth trying to figure out myself if what I think just happened, happened! I wouldn't be considered reliable I was sure. What day is it even? I got up to look for my phone. Couldn't find it at first (ended up finding it behind my tv stand). So I grabbed my laptop and it had been 6 days. I still had almost a week to be home alone. I went and locked all the doors and turned off all the lights. Showered in the hottest water because I still smelled like him and I needed it off. I laid down. But I didn't cry anymore. I think I was in shock. All I could remember was all the threats. How nobody believed he raped me before, why would they now? I eventually passed out. I'd wake up panicking every so often. Then passing out from pure exhaustion. Repeat. This went on for like 48 hours. I finally ate a banana (can't even stomach eating whole bananas anymore because it takes me back to this memory for some reason) and I had someone bring me some weed. I left the money in the mailbox while they dropped it in there because I was so paranoid about unlocking the doors or being seen. My body was sore. I wanted to try to forget. But I couldn't. So I smoked, took sleeping pills to sleep as long as I could. Still woke up panicking thinking someone was right there or choking me. It was horrifying. Worst time of my life. When my grandma came back into town, I avoided her. Told her I was sick in bed and although she did come in to see me, she didn't have to see most of me. I hid from her out of shame. I felt dirty. I felt like a w**re; what he told me I was. I didn't feel like I could look people in the eye anymore. When I felt like I looked decent enough, I needed to get my phone replaced. When I found it behind my tv eventually, the screen was cracked and I had some texts from a number I didn't recognize with a video of me giving oral...it said "mint blowies are the best" So I asked my grandma if she could take me to replace it. She took me. She wanted to go out for lunch and must have thought it was strange when I asked if we could just order and take it home. Which is what we did. She knew something was wrong with me, but she didn't press me after realizing I didn't want to talk. I am glad she didn't because I would have probably had a breakdown and he would have been right; I would have ended up in an institution. It was really awkward and hard but I just couldn't talk to her about it. I couldn't even look her in the eye. I couldn't even think straight. I don't think I could even form sentences with my thoughts after this incident. She probably thought I was on drugs. She offered to take me to Vegas with her when she was going a few months later, and I agreed to go because honestly it sounded like just what I needed. While I was in Vegas, an old acquaintance from high school (DS) reached out to me on a social media account. He was deployed in Afghanistan and started talking to me out of loneliness. I was lonely too. We talked about nothing but it made me feel like I existed for another reason than just being used. He was so far away I guess I felt comfortable developing a friendship with him. He didn't want to just have sex with me. I also didn't have to be with him in person, which it was hard for me to do and be present when it came to being around people because I carried so much shame with me. Every second of every day. But while this beautiful friendship with this guy was blossoming, I didn't realize my life was still under someone else's complete control until I did something drastic about it. I would get phone calls, sometimes saying things and sometimes not. I even received a call while I was in Vegas (we stayed with a family friend) and I remember trying so hard to not let anyone in the house hear me sobbing/hyperventilating because I was having panic attacks from the phone call. This particular time he told me he would be sending videos to my grandma and my parents. I would end up in tears only after some calls because some were worse than others; and the few times someone saw me I would just say it was an ex. I mean what could I even say? "Oh my god, I'm being harassed by this person who is torturing me and using me sexually?" I mean, I guess I wish it was that easy, but I was scared people would think I was delusional and insane. Send me to a psychiatric hospital. I didn't think anyone could possibly believe me. And because of stigmas I didn't think anyone would ever take me seriously if I did break down and end up in a hospital. People would just think I was incredible..I even still think that. I obviously didn't feel like I had a secure outlet to talk about this. I didn't feel secure enough to turn him/them in. I didn't even know who the others were. I felt invisible. I was also extremely paranoid. I became a little more self destructive. Drinking a lot. Experimenting with drugs. I also would starve myself. Sometimes for days. And if I did eat, most of the time it came back up. It was such a dark time.
  3. Over the weekend, I took the opportunity to leverage my own voice on behalf of however many thousands if not millions were impacted by the horrifying behavior of Wells Fargo. I related and articulated on those regulatory-mandated recorded lines my own personal story (paraphrased) and how the financial sector itself perpetuates interpersonal violence. My point was... we are in a zero-trust arena in the field of cybersecurity. Two of their former retired employees exerted obnoxious and highly unprofessional behavior here at the local level, while maintaining their OWN retirement as well as InfraGard positions plus other board memberships. I don't tolerate 'the old boy network' with other women also siding with them --- because that hurts communities. It's deceptive, malicious and vengeful. Group mobbing the supposed weakest link because of disability challenges is perhaps the sickest thing I've had to endure. Banks as such at the Executive level will indeed continue to be berated directly and just maybe... it might kick in their brain cells into a new pattern. The 'war on terror' we purportedly fought inside the financial entities didn't quite catch our own bastard problem inside hurting Americans. I intend to change that. Have a great day!
  4. When I was very young at the apartments we lived in when E and M first got married. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. E aftershave got spilled. one of us dumped it down the toilet .I believe he used aqua Velva aftershave . That's the first time I recall him lining us up naked for interrogation. After much yelling on his part it was decided I did it. Hell I might've . I was laid across his lap naked and spanked. I'm getting flashes of other times I was beaten for something . I think that's when I started being blamed for everything that us kids did to anger him, because I was so small he would just use his open hand on me . Fists and the belt would come later . As I got older and the level of violence increased it was just the way we did things . my wife went and bought a container of Aqua Vega aftershave, smell is a good way to recall memories . I had it for about a month now and I will admit I am a little concerned of what will happen when I smell it . I have a memory of him either pushing M or punching her and knocking her down the stairs. She hit the wall so hard she put her head through it . these were apartments that were built previous to 1968 , so it wouldn't have been sheet rock. It would have been Lathe and plaster. That's considerably more solid then sheet rock. She's had multiple back surgeries since then . I remember from the first house her being in a full body cast . I can't help but wonder this is when the back problems started . I've always had the impression that my introduction into human sexuality was I caught the two of them having sex and he made me stand there and watch . I believe more then once. One of my "kinks" is watching people have sex. Not voyeurism but being in the same room and them aware I am there. But that also could be because of the Games. I remember me and my brother playing outside after dark , and him telling me to start looking at the apartments across the way so we could watch people having sex through the windows. Like I said I was very young I hadn't started Kindergarten yet , I don't believe he started kindergarten. This was the late 1960s . I believe that it would be unusual for children this young at ,that time, to be aware of sex. I remember the 3 of us bathing together. We were highly sexualized as children, I remember during one of the games on our first farm J said that we couldn't put our penises in her because she was worried we would pee and get her pregnant. I would have been 7 or 8. This was way before sex education at schools. I don't remember the birds and the bees talk but we were aware ,vaguely, of how babies were made. I did manage to recall a holiday, I remember getting lost on Halloween when we were out trick or treating. There's no real emotion attached to that memory , I remember later in the marriage when he would go on one of his rages or start pounding on me, I would pick a spot just pass his head and stare at it . I believe that even that young I was starting to disassociate with what was going on around me I'm getting flashes of mundane things too. Getting the old school bowl haircut. Playing. Things like that. I don't remember the move from the apartments to the first house . there are still great big chunks of my childhood missing but I'm working on it .
  5. Gordy

    Memories

    On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up . I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked from the waist down , yell while snapping his belt till he decided with one to punish. Usually me. I don't think he beat on J much, he was doing other things to her. I don't recall how long the naked line ups went on. When I talked to my brother the other night he told E beat on me more then the others because I was an instigator . So I guess it was alright then because if I just kept my mouth shut it won't have been as bad . I remembered three times that I instigated things, I have already spoken about when he tried to drown me . On the first farm , he would line us up in the kitchen again naked from the waist down . One time he was screaming at us and told us that he wasn't our real father , use degrading language to describe us and then demanded that we call him by Mr. His Surname. So I did . He was displeased and that earn me a beating Another time he had us lined up , screaming at us he told us not to Breath without his permission . So I raise my hand , he was like what , and I asked "can I Breath now " yup that was a beating. I like to think I was doing it to draw attention away from them. If it wasn't a surprise backhand or a punch to the face , his preferred method of punishment was to bend me over naked on his lap and beat on me with a leather belt. He would always say" this hurts me more than it hurt you " I have a vague recollection , of him at least once, rubbing the welts with the palm of his hand in a soothing manner . Telling me he was only doing it for my own good. I can't help but feel that by doing that he was sexualizing the act. I remember I had nightmares as a child , of an adult man coming in to a darkened room to do bad things to me , I think they were nightmares , they may be memory fragments . I still don't remember much from the second farm, and very little from the last farm and the house we lived in after E left. I may repeat myself on this blog , as the longer it gets I may forget about what I've already spoken about . The timeline and events may change as the memories become clearer. I'm also beginning to realize that I have very few memories with my mother in them most of them are of E or us kids I'm trying to maintain a clinical detachment for these memories , yeah that's not working .
  6. Gordy

    Fight club

    E put on little fights for his amusement. He would have me and A beat on each other . From what I've been told as we got older he involved our cousins in it. One of my earliest memories is of me punching on another child . I was probably just a toddler . It was at the apartments we lived at just after E and M got married. I think this because I remember riding a tricycle, breaking potty training, and being beat for it . Another time I remember , I was maybe five or 6, me and A squaring off in the backyard of the first house we live in. In our underwear for a fistfight wrestling match At the same house during a different fight A flipped to be over his shoulder and I broke my collarbone. Another time I remember is being hung by my feet from the rafters in the garage and a bunch of other children taking turns punching me in the stomach . I fell off the slide sometime after this got a TBI I think that's why the memories are fuzzy .
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