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  1. purge

    TW e*ting d*sorder

    wish i was like you blue-eyed blondie perfect body i've been starving myself carving skin until my bones are showing (beach bunny - prom queen)
  2. purge

    ...

    i think i should know, how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints on L-O-V-E's just another word i'll never learn to pronounce
  3. I have trouble with the passage of time. The beginning of last week started out really painful and emotional. I was out of my apartment because of the situation I wrote about two blog posts ago, and I was facing two weeks at my mothers house. I was in a state of complete anger and delusion. I was redirecting all that anger towards my roommate/ex/best friend because he was, "kicking me out." Now, those two weeks are almost up. Things don't feel as painful or emotional and I don't feel as angry and upset. But I am a paranoid person and I know how my mental illness works. Time is fleeting, we exp
  4. zayexi

    Limits

    At 1:09 am, I texted my best friend. “Are you awake, by any chance?” He wasn’t, but if he had been, I’d already imagined the conversation we would have. I would tell him, “S*** just groped me while he thought I was sleeping. It kind of weirded me out.” He would reply, “OMG, straight men are so creepy!” And we would laugh about it a little, and then I’d go back to sleep. The imagined conversation was at odds with how I was actually feeling: panicked, disoriented, aware that it had been an hour since he’d done that and that my pulse was still racing. But these f
  5. It has been some time since my last blog entry. My therapist noticed somehow in the last few months, after 18 years of therapy with him, I was somehow getting better. That I had told him more about my grandfather's sexual abuse as a child in the last few months then I had in the entire 18 years he had known me. He took no credit, my psychiatrist took no credit. I think It all boils down to activity in this site. I have opened up for the first time. And though it's just typing, I know there are warm people actually reading it. I started a dream journal, and a journal to talk to my alters. The e
  6. I am a survivor of sexual violence and this is my story! I was born and raised in beautiful British Columbia, Canada. I am a product of divorce and I have one brother, a half sister and a step brother. I was a happy child until I was 7 years old...... When I was 7 years old my great uncle started following me into my grandmas basement where I would play on her computer. He would sit beside me with his hands down my pants pretending to help me play games.. He would never say anything while he molested me... Not a word it just happened..or maybe he did talk to me and I just
  7. Hey, all! Hoping this finds everyone in good health...mental and otherwise! As for me, I'm still...well...me. I dare not say for sure that I'm in good mental health because that, as always, remains a matter of opinion. So...spring has finally sprung where I live...where there were gnarled, menacing tree branches, there are now lovely cherry blossom trees in bloom, colorful leaves growing, grass and flowers sprouting. Rising temperatures are also lifting my spirits - although we've had more than enough rain, it's still nice to be free of the arctic nightmare that was this past winter
  8. The thoughts and feelings that I need to separate from myself. The thoughts of failure which stem mainly from the trauma. The trauma that I continue to overlook. My name is Chloe Colaianni and when I was six years old I was almost raped by my neighbor. The experience has put me through hurdles, and my biggest hurdle right now is the anxiety I face. The anxiety is a huge part of me defeating this. The anxiety is a small little part of me that I need to wrap in a ball and throw away. Like my T said, I can regard the anxiety as a movie. Anytime I feel self doubt, take a breath and say out l
  9. When you do these exercises do them some place you feel safe and will not be disturbed. Only share what you are comfortable with, and only with people you completely trust. If your not sure if you want to share or not, try asking your inner child. There is a difference between pretending to be a child and experiencing the child within. Experiencing the inner child is often a very physical thing, try to pay more attention to your body sensations in everyday life as well as your urges to be silly/play and your emotions which are often primal. Try to o
  10. 5 or 6 years old he called me to his flat, he lives next door and I was Alone no baby sitter. Don't know where were my older siblings. I got there it was dark and he said " come see this" he was masturbating and coming ... Had newspaper to catch his come. He said come closer and touch it. I said no yuck and I ran home. The next time I was in his parent's room he laid me on the bed and pulled my panties down. After that I just looked away and closed my eyes. I wasn't there anymore I didn't know what he did to me. Another time again at his place his Brother was home and they were discussing some
  11. Amd1217

    Family

    So with all the political shit becoming even more important and Donald Trump saying the things he has, i have blown up on social media at my family. All of the arguing and trying to make me change my mind because I'm "young and naive" and "don't understand" how our country works pushed me over the edge and i went off on my family, and the only person who stood up for me is the first person i ever told about my attack and she helped me through the recovery of it while i was still her student. Since we are friends now on social media she saw what was happening to me and stepped in to tell me, in
  12. **TRIGGER WARNING** alcohol, abuse ---- I am a drunken fool. I was leaving a party and was offered a lift to the station. A friend was going in the same direction, and said he would walk me the rest of the way to the station. He didnt take me to the station. he took me to his house. "Its not safe, the last train has left, you cannot get home. This area is not safe" "you stay here, I will look after you" I didn't know where i was, where the station was. Was it really dangerous outside? I went into the house. I was uncomfortable. I tried to leave. he restr
  13. raveninhaven

    Poem

    I have not yet been able to find a title to this poem, but I started writing and it just flowed out of me so peacefully and it drained my body of some of the negativity my father has left behind. Long way to go, but I'm glad to find a good outlet! I hope you guys like it! Thanks for your time My heart aches My mind wakes These thoughts won't seem to go away The thought that maybe one day I'll be at ease No longer begging you please The thought that one day I'll be able to say Dad, I don't care. I don't care that you can't love me No
  14. I decided today to report my father for molesting me when I was a child. Here's my story, and it is the very first time I'm telling it ...... I remember two different lives I had as a kid, yet at the same time I barely remember anything. My mom always told me we were a happy family, that I had a good mom, a good dad, and good sisters. We were a Catholic family, I went to a Catholic school, we had enough money, our family would go have dinners and do normal things with other families, and I was told we all were good people. If I caught my parents arguing my mom would always assure me e
  15. Trigger Warning: I found a trigger. This may not seem like a super huge deal but due to the nature of my sexual assault experiences, I don't have much memory to work with t process the experiences. But I definitely think I found a trigger. I've been so confused why I refuse or try to escape touch or closeness with my boyfriend and would often make self-depreciating comments about me being flawed or just not a "touchy-feely" person. I often describe the situation as trying to hug a porcupine. He has good intentions and always tries to show his love for me through closeness and touching.
  16. FinallySpeakingOut

    1/7/15

    I woke up this morning from a nightmare, again. It was a snow day, but I still woke up at 7:45. At 8:45 I went to my doctor. We upped my antidepressant medication and put me on an anxiety medication. I'm so scared of myself. I can't focus, and my grades are slipping; up until now I have been a straight A student. Now I have a C- in one of my classes. I haven't seen him since before Christmas break. I hope it doesn't change. I've been trying to write poetry, something like SLAM to use at the Variety Show my school holds every year. I just can't get the words to come out right. It terri
  17. FinallySpeakingOut

    Today

    All-or most-of my blogs will have a trigger warning. Today was tough. Walking around praying I wouldn't see him...I had to leave one of the clubs I enjoy most because he was always there. He still doesn't get that he did anything wrong. I feel sick, physically ill when I think about what he did to me...what I let him do. I was dating him. I hate that I still feel like it was my fault, that maybe he's right, maybe I am a wh*re. I loved him...I gave him my heart, and he doesn't even care that I'm hurting. Why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me? Why?!?! Only when I look bac
  18. ImScared

    Anxious

    I've started talking about it again and now I'm anxious. Why am I always anxious? I'm going to see my best friend from school in a few weeks and I'm afraid I will say something and ruin my holiday! I hope I can keep my mouth shut!!!
  19. vakry

    I.am.not.suicidal.

    Oh I've wanted to die. I still have moments I would rather be dead. But I can't take my life. I can't. And guess how I know I cannot kill myself. I wanted to. My dad had a loaded gun on top of the refrigerator. I knew the gun was there, but I didn't know it was loaded... until I wanted it. He was always locking up guns and making sure ammo was not stored in the same place. He had safes and cases and trigger locks. I never thought to check. One day I remembered it was there. I grabbed a chair and reached up for it. It was in a cloth case. I unzipped it and opened it. It's shiny silver. It's wei
  20. ImScared

    A Question

    It's been awhile because I've been doing much better. I have a question & It's probably stupid but I need to know if I'm the only person out here like this. My question is I can't remember how old I was when I lost my virginity. I know it's dumb but I grew up in an era where it was special and something you are suppose to remember. The thing is my ex husband was the man who took my virginity. It was a traumatic event because I said stop & no in the middle of it and he didn't stop. I just can't remember how old I was. We weren't married at the time so I can guess but I feel that I need
  21. ImScared

    Scary Dreams

    Last night I had really bad dreams after reading all the posts on oral r***. I would never have called it that, even though I now know that's what it was. My dreams were so vivid but nobody saved me. I couldn't scream but I was terrified! I've gnawed my fingers to the point of bleeding!! All of them now have some scab or other. I'm scared to sleep tonight. I'm scared the dreams will come back. I'm scared that no one will care what happens to me.....Guess I'll try to sleep
  22. ImScared

    Control

    The closer I get to telling everything to my friend the worse I get. I have gnawed my fingers until they have bled. Now I want to control my eating also. I haven't had these issues in forever. Why are they bubbling up now? I literally bite my fingers in front of anyone & everyone....it looks so professional. The food issue started today. I can't have people tell me that I'm losing weight or I sabotage it. I gain it all back. A different friend tells me every time she sees me that I look like I've lost more weight. I think I've gained a ton. Anyways, I was suppose to tell my best friend the
  23. This week was a bad, the worst one I have had since the memories started to return. I survived it with few new scars, but only because AS was here, I made a post about my father and his blog, and what he published about me. A full page of fictional material created to sublimate my life into something more comfortable for him I guess. Either way, it hurt more that he refused to validate my existence, my story, my trauma, and turned it into something that vilified me and made HIM the victim. I had such an outpouring of love and support from my brothers and sisters here on AS that I was able to t
  24. :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: I drank. I smoked. I sucked a friend off, he returned the favor. I really appreciate that especially since he's straight. And now I have to wear long sleeves. I never had to wear long sleeves before other than weather. I defiled my arm with an ink pen. My friend watched me do this. he's a bit of a sociopath and hurting myself kind of turns me on too. My day is complete.
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