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This post has some references to suicidal thoughts. Please don't read ahead if you're feeling sensitive. Yikes! Is it already Friday?? This day really snuck up on me this week so this blog, while still being thoughtful and sincere, will be a bit of me just shooting from the hip. I guess it will just be about whatever it is on my mind today. I would like to be able to tell you a funny story seeing as my last two blogs have been SERIOUS downers, but I don’t have any funny stories right now. The past couple weeks have been rough to say the least. Don’t worry though, I’m still here with my dark and twisty sense of humor, so maybe this will be more lighthearted than I’m thinking right now. I had a few fleeting ideas yesterday, but never found one worthy enough to actually write about today. If you follow my posts on After Silence, you saw me post yesterday about the AWFUL therapy session I had. I considered writing more in depth about that, but I don’t know that I really want a full blog post dedicated to the woes of my inability to communicate my feelings. However, although I did not want to speak solely of my therapy session, it did get me (over)thinking about something I do A LOT that seems to make things really difficult for me. I’m guilty of OVERTHINKING. (Now that I’ve said it, I know you’re realizing that funny thing I did up above.) Yes, I overthink literally everything. I know of some individuals that are agreeing with me so hard right now. I am the queen of overthinking. This has caused SO MANY PROBLEMS in my relationships with other people and it took me until just recently to learn that this is what I was doing. What got me thinking of this yesterday was my therapy session. That session ended terribly, and it WAS my fault. Had I just slowed down and listened; it may not have happened. So, I suppose I will go into some detail for the sake of getting my point across. Let me first say that I wasn’t intending to delve into this, but I DID promise that this blog would be the unedited version of my life – the good, the bad, the ugly. While I won’t always share my therapy sessions with you, I will share this one. The beginning of the session was fine, so I won’t elaborate on that. But there was a point where I brought up a conversation I was having with another person that kind of upset me. Well, let me back up a bit. My therapist is all about me finding other sources of support aside from her. I realize now that she doesn’t mean this in a bad way, but she wants me to have other people I can talk to because that’s healthy. I used to overthink that a lot, but I see her reasoning more now. Anyway, I have a very hard time making “friends” or getting close to people. Partly because I have been burned so many times or my trust has been broken, and partly because I HATE feeling like a burden on other people. I worry about annoying people or them growing tired of me. But despite this, I have been working VERY hard to find people to trust and talk to, and right now, I’ve got three of those people in my corner. Which for me, is AMAZING. I had been talking to one of those three people recently. I opened up quite a bit to her and trusted her with a lot of information. We were mid conversation on Wednesday, I asked her a question, and she never responded. I was perplexed because it wasn’t anything too serious, I just wanted her opinion on something. There was something personal she found out about me and I asked her opinion on it, so it bothered me that she never answered. I wanted to know if she hated me now, or if her views of me changed, or if maybe she no longer wanted to speak to me because I have too much baggage. It’s now Friday, and I still have not heard from her. I’ve given up hope on her ever responding to that text. There’s nothing I can do about what she knows at this point. I brought this up to my therapist because she was asking how things were going with this individual. I told her things had been okay, but that she never responded to my message the day before and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t crying or overly upset about it, I was just…concerned? Making conversation? Answering her question? It wasn’t a huge deal. I was just letting her know what was going on. Her answer to that? She said, “maybe she’s too busy to answer.” Excuse me? Did I hear that correctly? You’re telling me that the person YOU encouraged me to open up to, the person you WANTED me to form a relationship with, the person you wanted me to REACH OUT TO, is now TOO busy to respond to me? Well if they were too busy, what was the point in making me reach out to them and open up to them in the first place? Why encourage me to do something like that if I was going to be a burden? These were the things running through my mind. In that moment, it felt as though everything was crashing down and I would never be able to speak to that person again because she probably thought I was annoying, and she was tired of me. Which is what eventually happens with EVERYONE. You’d think by now, I would catch on and I would be more prepared, but it still hurts. Mostly because I DID trust her, and I DID believe her when she said she wanted to be there. By now, I figured I had ruined it. It was over, and I was sad. My therapist continued to say that she was probably busy with her kids and her work and doing things around the house. Things that didn’t include me. Things that were more important than me. At that point, I had completely shut down. My mind had gone completely off the deep end and I felt completely alone. I was so angry at her for saying those things to me – for making me feel like a waste of space. I left her office and completely broke down, ugly crying, in my car. I had no one. I was completely and entirely alone and I could feel my heart breaking in half. As I drove back to work, (yes, I had to work after that which was not ideal) I thought about how much not only my therapist hated me, but how much everyone must hate me. I thought about how I was so screwed up no one would ever love me. My mind contemplated the very existence of my being and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. (I told you – the good, the bad, and the UGLY.) I made it to work, composed myself, and went inside. I was still feeling isolated and hurt, so I reached out on AS for some support. Let me add here that this site has been a LIFESAVER to me! Thank you all for your unconditional support. I got some answers on here and a text from one of those special three people I mentioned earlier. I talked the situation out both on here and via text with my sweet friend. The general consensus was to work it out with my therapist, and by the time I had calmed down enough to rationally think about all of this, I realized everyone was right. I was encouraged to send an email to express my feelings and hopefully get some reassurance or some clarification on what happened. When I left her office, it really and truly felt that my therapist no longer cared about me. I knew she could see how upset I was, but she didn’t reach out or comfort me at all. I know that she doesn’t really prefer for me to email her about personal things, but this felt important enough to warrant a message. I typed out an email explaining why I was upset and what was going through my head. I left out the details of my ugly crying and my compulsion to end my life, but I did let her know what it was that upset me and why. I honestly did feel better after typing everything out, but after I hit that dreaded ‘send’ button, my world went back into a spiral. The overthinking started, yet again. What would she think of my email? What would she say? Would she respond at all? Does she hate me? Is she going to tell me I can’t see her anymore? Will she think I’m too emotionally involved? But alas, she responded within a couple of hours and soothed my fears. She assured me that what I HEARD was not what she SAID. While I heard the actual words she said, I did not perceive it the way she intended it. She let me know that she tried to further explain herself, but I had already shut down and was not willing to listen. Once she explained what she DID mean, I felt better. I truly did. Because I simply didn’t understand her the first time, and I wouldn’t LET her clarify. She meant the opposite of what I thought. She meant that she didn’t respond because she got sidetracked. She meant I WAS NOT a burden, but that she may have set her phone down and forgotten to respond. She meant that even though she WANTED to help me, something may have called her attention away from her phone. It wasn’t about me. She never meant that it was. Now I knew what she meant, and it did make me feel better. I’m still not THRILLED that I never got a response, but I at least understand a little more now. I’ll actually be seeing that person tonight, so maybe she will say something about it then. Or maybe she won’t but that will have to be okay too. I said I wasn’t going to delve into this ENTIRE story, but it was like my fingers were on fire and I couldn’t stop typing. Every detail felt so important. Maybe I just needed the time to release some of this and get it out on paper. I didn’t intend to share all of this with you, but here it is. My very exposed heart. In closing, I’m hoping this might be able to help another overthinker that may be reading this. Your thoughts won’t ruin everything, sometimes you just need to communicate. Those thoughts are usually misconceptions of your wandering mind. Information that isn’t true. So, don’t worry, you’ll be okay. Just remember to communicate and to clarify – that’s all we really can do. Thank you for taking the time to read about my own wandering mind. I appreciate all the support. Loves and hugs, Poppy
My daily schedule is abnormal, to say the least, since it has been so long since I held a job (a little over 8 years). I typically sleep from 4 or 5:00 am until 1 or 2:00 pm, give or take, anywhere from 8-10 hours per day, depending on my physical and emotional needs. The reason for this odd sleeping pattern is due to my boyfriend's job, which is second-shift hours. Though, perhaps, not ideal, these hours have worked for us for several years because my boyfriend and I are both night owls. Comfort can be found in the wee hours of the morning with peace and quiet that only those hours seem to afford - peace and quiet that I cannot get at any other time of day where we currently live. Above all else, my resting period is by far the most important aspect of protecting my sanity, which is why today's therapy appointment was a complete bust. My appointment was scheduled for 11:00 am, technically the middle of my "night." I suppose I could have rescheduled this appointment for another time (I didn't notice the time slot on the card until after I left the last appointment); but considering that I'm lucky to get an appointment every three weeks, I didn't want to risk having to wait even longer for another one. I struggled to make myself get into bed at 1:30 am this morning in order to be up by 9:00 am, only to toss and turn for the next 2 hours. I only got a little over 5 hours of sleep which left me cranky and not in the mood to talk at all! Any less than 8 hours of sleep, and, yeah, I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I know that I function poorly on less sleep which is why I dislike, no, detest having this routine screwed up. It has taken me years to understand what "I" need; and this is one of those "non-negotiable, must have requirements to function properly" things. I thought that I had made myself clear about the reasons I preferred afternoon appointments to my therapist the first two times I discussed it with him; but I reiterated them again today for the first 10 minutes of the appointment. Honestly, I cannot even remember what he said to me after I finished my spiel. Maybe, it was lack of sleep. Maybe, I dissociated. Nevertheless, the only impression I took away from today's appointment was that my therapist was distracted and seemingly uninterested in what I was saying (on his computer part of the time and on his cell phone a couple of times). He did, at least, schedule the next one (another 3 weeks away) for the afternoon. After only three appointments with this new therapist, therapy is leaving me feeling disappointed, unheard, and generally hopeless. It took so much for me to get back into therapy again after a five year long break from psychiatry. I had hoped this time might be different, that I might actually be able to work through a lot of the issues that still cause me distress. Unfortunately, there really aren't many choices for therapy where I live, especially since I have no health insurance and no money of my own to purchase such things (I guess, I'm a criminal, now, for that?); but I have to make the best out of this experience with this therapist. The unspoken words I heard today were, "Conform or don't waste my time."
I've been poking around in the therapy part of the board. I remember my brief sessions in the past. You know what I think a best friend is all the therapy I need. I'm in a serious *%^% it mood. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. My family seems to worry. I don't know why. I don't say dark things around them. I mope around and want to cut a few branches off the family tree, but if you knew them you'd get it. I don't have a lot of family so cutting some branches is a serious thing. I'm more likely to connect my fist in some faces than kill myself. Fist in face is a long shot. I have never hit a woman. Ever. But my sister does make me want to.