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Found 6 results

  1. Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out. that is how this came to be. i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont get much mail. i went out to get the mail over the weekend and got the mail. i was beyond surprised when i saw a letter from him post marked the week before he took his life. i didnt open it and just sat there and cried. i finally decided to open it and read it. it turns out that my brother didnt just do this out of no where. he wrote in the letter that he wanted me to be strong and understand what happened that pushed him that far.it was all new to me because he never told me things were getting that bad for him and i never asked because everything seemed fine when we talked. its like how stupid could i be its not like ive not been on that same ledge before. that is not an excuse and i know that. i wonder so much if i had gotten that letter earlier if he would still be around. would i still have my best friend would i been able to give him the help and support he needed. i dont know how else to think of it other than this. i let him down i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. so many nights of tears and memories surround me now. i dont want to get up i just want to lay in bed and hide from the world. such a beautiful soul and kind person has been taken from this world. i have to carry on but right now every time i think i have my feet planted and i can start moving forward something happens and i feel like im taking 2 steps back. the anger is still there and dont know when it will go. but now im even more angry knowing I could help him and i screwed up i wasnt there. im not exactly sure how to deal with this and i wish i wasnt in the position to do so but i am so i have no choice it happened now i have to find a way to deal with the emotions that come from this.
  2. The wall and the mask that i made up… Start to crumbling down.. It start to breaking into pieces… And i'm afraid of it… I'm no longer myself.. i already try the best…. But i know it hard… to be strong again… I started to lose it.. Nightmare? Depression? Trauma? Anxiety.. Bulimia... i can't afford it anymore.. I can't.. Faking my smile.. faking my laugh.. faking everything…why? Why do i need to do this.. why do i need to be someone that i'm not… Why do i need to impress everyone.. They don't even care I wake up 3 am everyday.. i'm crying a lot.. i do self harm.. but theres no one with me.. theres no one comfort me.. i know theres no one .. nobody will comfort me.. help me.. through all of this…. I know i'm all alone… i know it… I took a deep breath.. close my eyes for a moment.. i need to let it go.. i must! Just for a while.. i can't.. i know i can't Tears slowly crawl down on my cheek.. I start to scream… i feel pain in my chest.. i feel a lot of burden that i need to let go.. but it didn't happen… I can't take it anymore… I grab cutter that lie on my desk.. I start to cut my wrist.. one cut.. two cut… three cut… blood start dripping on the floor… Same goes with my tears… I drop the cutter.. i start to feel weak.. My tears cant stop falling.. For a while.. i didn't feel pain... i don't feel anything Its getting harder to breath… it hurt deep inside.. its torturing me.. but i can't break free.. so i continue to crying… Why can't let me be who i am… why can't people accept me for who i am… Please.. save me from this feeling… i just wanna be free… I wanna chill out like before… i miss the old moment.. the moment that i still myself… moment i didn't become somebody else… Why everything turn complicated… why… I guess this is life.. i need to become somebody else to impress every single thing in this world… Even it making me frustrated… but i guess this is how i still can survive.. by faking everything… I wake up from my bed… throw away my comforter.. face myself in front of the mirror… even though my wrist hurt.. blood shattered everywhere… i need to continue live on.. I took a deep breath.. i smile… Yes.. i need to smile.. but then i felt something cold on my cheek… i'm crying. I hate to shed a tear… i totally hate it.. And its the moment i know i no longer can't pretend…. Its getting harder to pretend.. to survive… Suddenly i feel a vibration.. my phone ringing.. I see a notification come in.. I got message from someone… Its from someone i know… i pick up my phone and start to read what written on the chat.. "Dear… You know you are my everything.. before this i always alone... you're the one who support … help me whenever i down… i would do anything to always be with you… you know what.. you are my sunshine… you shine my day… when people shut me off.. you always there for me… " "You are worthless than anything… don't hurt yourself… please don't…even no one in this world accept you for who you are... God still there for you.. i'm also always there for you… even its hard.. even its torturing you.. smile. Please smile.. your smile brighter my day.. i know you still there.. you didn't lose yourself.. you are here with us.. come back… we misses you so much….." "But i know… you no longer here.. in this world.. with us… its been 3 month… we miss you a lot.. i.. i can't forgive myself.. for not be there while you hurting yourself... i know i'm not a good friend.. for always left you behind .. i'm sorry that i can't help you to break free from this cruel world… i'm so sorry…." " i miss you a lot…. I wish we still together… to the end… i'm sorry…. " My tears broken.. if only times can be rewind.. i wish i didn't do that stupid thing… i wish i was stronger than this.. I miss you guys too… a lot…. I'm sorry for doing all of this… i thought theres no one here for me anymore…. I'm sorry… i only can regretting all of this… I look around my bedroom.. theres a photo on my cupboard… my photo… with a letter.. That written.. " we will always love you.. we will always miss you.. rest in peace… you are not loser.. you are stronger than anyone.. you are survivor…. may God always bless you dear.." - ♡♡ Don't suicide… ♡♡
  3. So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it but I worded it to them that I was just triggered and tempted to self harm) and walk me through some grounding techniques. Then the next day in the evening I was feeling ignored by some friends and didn't wanna walk home alone, so I kept trying to hint that I couldn't walk home without someone to stop me from thinking some REALLY BAD thoughts when crossing over the bridge to my house. They were able to talk to me and calm me down (even when I wanted the two of them to tell me how much they hated me and wanted me to go away permanently). My mood has been all over the place this last week. At least the last two days have been good. I got one exam grade back Monday that I failed, two more exams on Tuesday that I failed. Wednesday morning I just did not want to see or be seen by anyone. I went to class anyway and got back the exam itself, but was too self conscious to ask for help from ANY of my classmates. I was feeling ignored again by the same friends and had to leave to go to my car and cry. But then once the friend that I am seeing casually messaged me and walked with me around campus, I felt better. They (singular) are still hung up over their ex (the other friend) so I understand them being in their own little world and not paying attention to me. I expressed to them my concerns and we were able to compromise. Their ex is also my roommate, so it's really hard to say if I am jealous of my roommate for having someone who loves her so strongly or if I'm jealous over my casual partner because I'm catching feelings for them. My weekend is looking up. I didn't sleep much last night but I am still feeling the (platonic) love and affection from last night, which is enough for me. I have a lot of projects to do, but I actually feel confident I can do them compared to the weekend from two weeks ago. I hate being so dependant on my friends for love and affection, but I've been alone for such a long period of my life that I need constant reminders from my friends they appreciate me. I've always struggled with the fear my friends secretly hate me and are just tolerating my existence, but not when I am around my casual partner or some of my other friends. My fears have been assuaged more and more over the last month the more I talk about my feelings of paranoia, and people have been inviting me out more it seems. So that's nice. It's hard to say what effects from the meds have been helped, worsened, or have stayed the same. Like, they say "alert your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts." But I have always had them, and my PTSD and focus are so much better on these meds. It only gets that bad if I hyperfocus on my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, which I have successfully avoided this week through friends and therapy.
  4. sometimes i wish he had kill me. just finish the job he started. when i think about suicide i always feel the sting of the reminder "he won". i honestly have no idea why did he keep me alive, or if he ever wanted to, if the thought of killing me ever crossed his mind. but if it ever did, i shall not give him the satisfaction, he did his worse, and i will not lay a hand to silence me for good. i have never reported nor faced him with my accusations, but he knows damn well that i have the power, the upper hand, and if he ever to try my patience, i will look him in his eyes, spit on him, and put him behind bars for as long as time. this is my fantasy, i am no warrior that i wish to be, i am just a scared little girl that likes to dream about revenge,. but the damage is done, no court or judge will ever bring me what i have lost within his greedy flesh so i guess all is left to dream.
  5. So i'm new to this forum, but I've discovered blogs. I'm a little happy about that, as I can express myself freely without triggering myself or others of course. Today I'm meeting with my counselor from the women's shelter. She's an amazing woman, who encourages and inspires me. We made an intervention plan together that involves 4 consequences of what I've been through, and the means to help me overcome them. The two biggest and hardest ones to overcome are suicidal thoughts, and flash backs. This past weekend was very difficult for me, I ended up calling a suicide crisis line....someone talked to me for 20 minutes, and I never felt like I was bothering them, or annoying them; which is a good thing for me. It was very difficult though to reach out for help...especially since i feel that the reasons I wanted to hurt myself are so stupid. I find it would be easier to consider killing myself than breaking up with my abusive boyfriend. I'm not ready to let go, even though i'm hurting badly, and so deeply tired. My friends and social worker are pushing me to break up with him, and I know that they all have my best interests at heart, because they truly care about me and my well being. And they give me examples of the things I shouldn't put up with, and despite how much i AGREE with them, I still can't seem to find the courage to let him go. Despite how much i know I will be better off, happier, and healthier, I still can't do it. Despite how afraid I am that things are only going to get worse...despite how much i know that things are only going to get worse, i just can't do it!. This makes me so frustrated with myself, so angry and annoyed at myself it hurts. I feel like a failure, and a disappointment to everyone around me.
  6. hello... i have long put off joining a forum, let alone writing a personal intro post - but i truly feel it is the most important step i can take in my life at this moment. it has always been my safe zone to be present for other people in their healing, to encourage them and support them, while i myself hid in secret mounds of pain. so i am here to uncover myself and be honest with all who will listen, and am grateful to likewise support the honesty and truths of others i am here because the rest of the world seems unreal to me now. because people who have not experienced this depth of emotion seem estranged from me. because i know there is so much more to the human spirit and heart than most of the people i meet and feel lonely in not being able to share it. this experience of sexual trauma has given me a range of emotions and a scope of philosophy that is so far beyond what the world is used to, i feel almost like i have no place on Earth. most people consider my day to day feelings dramatic and faked, whether extremely high or deeply low - and yet i know they are deeply real. it didn't occur to me that i wasn't insane until i started uncovering more of my sexual trauma history and learning that many other survivors of this sort of experience also felt that their rawness, depth of feeling and newfound strength were seen as 'too much' for most average people. it's been alienating to feel the real me, but it's been even more alienating to pretend i was someone else, trying to fit in with people who were not compatible with my experiences. it exhausted me so much, i spent half of my life on the verge of suicide, because i was perplexed at the idea of having to 'keep it up.' then one day, i was pushed up against the wall, and really felt like either i'd have to choose to curl into a ball and kill myself somehow or find a way to become absolutely who i truly am, in front of the world, unapologetically and unconditionally. my joining AS and sharing my feelings here is a key step in this journey. i know that if i can begin by challenging myself to share who i really am with other survivors, then one day i can share who i truly am with anyone and everyone - this is my true dream for myself. even my parents can only handle parts of the truth and this has been a deep heartbreak for me. but now i'm finished with heartbroken feelings. and i instead want to channel my energy for empowerment, healing and loving resilience toward people and voices who want to hear what i have to say - not just people who are politely tolerating it. i want anyone who feels like me in this way to know that i think - you are beautiful you are wonderful you are perfect you are powerful you are loved you are appreciated you are celebrated for your raw, real, truthful self. and i thank you for being here with me while i learn to love myself for all of who i really am, even if no one else ever has. thank you!
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