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Found 4 results

  1. Hello, Looking to heal....

    Hello everyone, I'm Rain. I'm currently battling PTSD from my sexual assault, which occurred September 27th. I went to the police and reported the man who did it, and it's been a Hellish battle with the courts. He said he does not want to serve jail time, so it looks like we may end up going to trial. He has until July 27th to accept the plea bargain, which is 60 days in jail, or we go to trial in August. I feel betrayed, since it was my best friend's boyfriend... and she chose his side. Her whole family chose HIS side. Even her brother, who was also my best friend. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm attending therapy and trying to get my life back in order, but it is not easy. I've somehow landed a boyfriend after this incident and it has been a little bit rocky because I tend to lash out, get defensive and get upset. It's like I'm always on edge and need to pick fights over everything. And then there's my self esteem. I feel low, like dirt. I feel ugly. I've been spending money a lot to try and make myself feel better. I just want him in jail. I want everyone to see him for the monster that he is. It's hard because there was no physical evidence, and so, the police can only charge him with simple assault. I sometimes feel like there's winning... but I'm trying to have hope. I can't give up.
  2. Struggling To Get Use To Safety

    As of lately I feel more and more out of control. As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused. I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also finding myself wishing for someone to hit me or something. I mean what kind of sane person wants to go back to that abuse??? I was abused from the age of four (at least that is my earliest memory) till I was nineteen. Whats worse, at least in my eyes, is that it was multiple people (family, family friends, strangers..) and never once was i discovered. My entire existence slipped through the cracks. The two time CPS (child protective services) did get involved they dropped my case. First time was when I was maybe four or five, my bio mom (I will call her Lee), refused to allow them to talk to me. Now i don't know about everyone else in the world, but to me that would seem very odd to me and i would NOT just drop the case. But they did, so i never got help at the age. Had I been helped then I would have went through a whole lot less then I did. The second time I was in high school. It was my senior year, October or November maybe, and CPS got called again due to a flashback I had had that I written down to try to keep myself grounded being found . Well this caused a huge uproar. At the time I lived with my bio-father (who I will call Tim) and he was a very well known and highly respected man. You see he lived in a very small town where everyone knows your name. He was a Registered Nurse Practitioner whom ran a branch of a home health care services. So every one looked up to him and held him in high regards. He had only lived there for seven maybe eight years but his wife (whom i will call Jen) had grown up in this town her entire life. So when the police officer got to the school I was left alone with him. He proceeded to handcuff me and slam me against the wall exclaiming i better recant my "lies" or he would arrest me for making a false report. So of course I did. This how ever was not the end of it, when I got home I had been screamed at by Jen, and then screamed and beat by Lee and Tim.. I learned then that I was going to remain a "family secret" from then on out.. That is only mild for me, for what I have suffered. But in the end I still miss it. And to me that makes me feel like I'm maybe asking for it and that maybe I deserved what I got. So all I want to do is apologize all the time for whatever it is I did to deserve all this..
  3. I am 25 and it has been 13 years since my childhood SA and I'm simply exhausted with the anxiety, confusion, and doubt that I still live with every day. I have no good outlet for my angst and I feel its finally time to do something about it so I'm here just looking for a little support. I have always had an erradic lifestyle filled with overworking myself, stretching myself thin fullfilling social obligations, and generally neglecting to take care of myself. I've been living this way for way too long and I guess its just time for me to stop living in denial and actually trying to become a survivor instead of struggling to get by. I have been able to work myself through a lot of my own issues up to this point but this is the first time I feel I won't be able to help myself. Sadly I've had many bad experiences with therapists so its a path I'm hesitant to go down again. I'm just looking for the support of people who can really understand what I'm going through and become my positive outlet and help me feel a little less alone with my struggles.
  4. I am 25 and it has been 13 years since my childhood SA and I'm simply exhausted with the anxiety, confusion, and doubt that I still live with every day. I have no good outlet for my angst and I feel its finally time to do something about it so I'm here just looking for a little support. I have always had an erradic lifestyle filled with overworking myself, stretching myself thin fullfilling social obligations, and generally neglecting to take care of myself. I've been living this way for way too long and I guess its just time for me to stop living in denial and actually trying to become a survivor instead of struggling to get by. I have been able to work myself through a lot of my own issues up to this point but this is the first time I feel I won't be able to help myself. Sadly I've had many bad experiences with therapists so its a path I'm hesitant to go down again. I'm just looking for the support of people who can really understand what I'm going through and become my positive outlet and help me feel a little less alone with my struggles.
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