Jump to content

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'sexuality'.



More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


Forums

  • I AM AWARE OF WHAT THE RULES ARE
    • Public: Rules and Guidelines
  • SOMETIMES I HEAR MY VOICE...
    • Public: Welcome!
  • THESE PRECIOUS THINGS...
    • Public: Pretty Good Year
    • Public: Resources
  • JUST A SILLY PHASE I AM GOING THROUGH
  • HAPPY WORKERS (Administration)
    • Public: Feedback Dropbox

Blogs

  • From the Bottom of Beyond....
  • Matty253's Blog
  • Healing Journey
  • JenD's Blog
  • helannah's Blog
  • lexieb's Blog
  • My Story and Healing Process
  • My Poetry
  • ZombieG's Blog
  • beckyjayne's Blog
  • inzerlinzer17's Blog
  • USN11Sam's Blog
  • Wounded Healer
  • brokenhearted89's Blog
  • Survivors sanctuary's Blog
  • Diary of a not so mad man.
  • Diary of a Not so Mad Man
  • tina619's Blog
  • Copper's Word Roost
  • AshleyyyRebecca's Blog
  • kj645's Blog
  • Trial By Fire
  • brokengirl89's Blog
  • lalachant's Blog
  • raindrops94's Blog
  • Trial By Fire
  • abbyroad's Blog
  • jooo's Blog
  • A Brilliant Darkness
  • Howl at the Moon
  • Is Recovery Possible?
  • Fallenstar's Random Thoughts
  • Marcie's Blog
  • aharockperi's Blog
  • Nonnie's Blog
  • Nonnie's Blog
  • Tired of Being Taboo, Time to Speak my Truth
  • My Meaningful Life
  • blogging instead of crying
  • lori43's Blog
  • Elle White's Blog
  • RACHELM1995's Blog
  • Veelookingback's Blog
  • This is going to be a long journey
  • seraphim's Blog
  • A little thing called happiness
  • Always Express Yourself
  • stuckinthedarkness' Blog
  • Angel80's Blog
  • Angel80's Blog
  • Angel80's Blog
  • Realizing, Accepting, Moving on
  • Panther195's Blog
  • lemonlady's Blog
  • Ginger Grove
  • One Woman
  • Wherever it takes me.
  • My Battle
  • Kat's Blog
  • Hope Resilience Strength
  • rjnestor982's Blog
  • My Story.
  • Returning
  • Candace's Blog
  • amandaoliver's Blog
  • how's Blog
  • BrightEyes19's Blog
  • Sarkasm's Blog
  • kungfu's Blog
  • Elliott's Blog
  • Flataffect7's Blog
  • tonysullivan's Blog
  • Jaydien's Blog
  • your honour, my shame
  • jusme's Blog
  • vakry's Blog
  • Kizza's Blog
  • shortcake's Blog
  • jusme's Blog
  • trustissues23's Blog
  • disclaimher's Blog
  • Villa Straylight
  • guessangelina's Blog
  • Horses, Dogs, and Etc
  • Turtle's Tellings
  • Better
  • bernie's Blog
  • aztecwarrior's Blog
  • Just another bad day
  • Finding Me.
  • GhostWriter's Blog
  • miraculoussunshine27's Blog
  • Coco's Journey
  • forest on daily life
  • NothingHasBeenBroken's Blog
  • trying2breathe's Blog
  • colacard's Blog
  • Nonsense & Nothing
  • AWolf74075's Blog
  • My Story Unleashed
  • ItsNotMyShameToBear's Blog
  • The Freedom Writer's Diary
  • careforlovedones1's Blog
  • Breaking the Silence
  • ImScared's Blog
  • LadyRose's Blog
  • Skyfeather's Blog
  • Breathe in, Breathe out
  • eternalsunshine's Blog
  • FindingClosure's Blog
  • ash182007's Blog
  • LovemyBostonTerrier's Blog
  • daily basis
  • Scarathonia's Blog
  • random acts of mindlessness
  • Sober's Blog
  • Tiffany's Blog
  • Perpetually Healing
  • oldscarnewpain's Blog
  • CalliopeRayne's Blog
  • Green's General Ramblings On Life
  • Little Mermaid Girl's Blog
  • Hope is a thing with feathers
  • Still in Pain
  • FightingHeart's Blog
  • talking to myself
  • annenzhk's Blog
  • annenzhk's Blog
  • Thoughts and Memeries
  • Highs and Lows
  • Bloom
  • justanothersurvivor's Blog
  • fallenstar's crew's blog
  • Ladybug4's Blog
  • robert1992's Blog
  • Dreamer90's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • ImAWarrior's Blog
  • droid's story
  • Systeminthesky
  • Taniandre's Blog
  • DizzyDidi's Blog
  • CookingGnome's Blog
  • Foxface's Blog
  • StruggliNSilence14's Blog
  • Apples to Apples
  • ForgetIT's Blog
  • fisher94's Blog
  • JessieJoy's Blog
  • rollininthedeep's Blog
  • Jamienicole's Blog
  • Roaming Cat
  • Broken1973's Blog
  • SurvivorBornAgain's Blog
  • dancelove's Blog
  • BlueCanvas' Blog
  • hippeechick's Blog
  • Write it out and move on
  • Confusedandalone1415's Blog
  • NoMoreSilence
  • left-behind-for-dead
  • Remembrance
  • Pete :)
  • reidmallorie's Blog
  • Mickeylace2000's Blog
  • KateFindsHerVoice's Blog
  • pumpkinoodle1216's Blog
  • princessgrace21's Blog
  • JustBroken's Blog
  • anna1's Blog
  • 2 xs in a row
  • firefly05's Blog
  • firefly05's Blog
  • Deafening Silence
  • SurvivorS3361's Blog
  • Healing Mommy
  • victoria295's Blog
  • nmkkato's Blog
  • abt22's Blog
  • crisxo's Blog
  • Rosiekrishnadevotee's Blog
  • Am I Alone Anymore?
  • The Little Boy
  • Potentially Lovely
  • Please Help...
  • Internal labyrinth
  • Moopkie's poetry
  • PurpleSun's Blog
  • Jay Ess' Blog
  • Jay Ess' Blog
  • Melikecats77's Blog
  • Lonelilies
  • This Is Life
  • Poetry is my Theripist
  • elephantlove's Blog
  • My Much Needed Blog
  • justasurvivor's Blog
  • wishiwasbetter's Blog
  • Where Healing Begins
  • nolongeravictim's Blog
  • Manyyearslater's Blog
  • lulo18's Blog
  • robme702's Blog
  • robme702's Blog
  • bbbb's Blog
  • Eimmik513's Blog
  • Maybe this can be my outlet?
  • Not Alone
  • Purpledaisies' Blog
  • Issabear's Blog
  • Blog for my insiders
  • Those Things I Think but can't say
  • Kmiller's Blog
  • Paula563's Blog
  • Emmy091796's Blog
  • Foundation of Bricks
  • Anah's Blog
  • niet8830's Blog
  • Emmy091796's Blog
  • deepunderprincess' Blog
  • BreathingAngel16's Blog
  • ihopetosave's Blog
  • Flying With Broken Wings
  • fadingflower's Blog
  • Ineedtoheal's Blog
  • mrsmlk's Blog
  • Kimberly122708
  • Hopefully I'll Use This
  • Starting Over
  • iyaaguilar's Blog
  • sm28's Blog
  • ladyphlox's Tumblr
  • lolo525's Blog
  • Caslynn77's Blog
  • LeanneGeorge's Blog
  • hbd2491's Blog
  • captain's log
  • music24
  • ABS55
  • Luna629's Blog
  • Anael's Blog
  • 4Tear
  • nicole87's Blog
  • ihatedhim's Blog
  • iamastrongperson's Blog
  • cheyanna707's Blog
  • lovelyla25's Blog
  • One story at a time...
  • hope4healing23's Blog
  • needavoice2015
  • No one wants to know
  • shootingstars1400's Blog
  • Eternal Misery
  • MaryHealing's Blog
  • The First Step
  • Broken Angel
  • dumbNnumb26's Blog
  • Breathing
  • A day in the life..
  • Hummingbird2015's Blog
  • jigsaw2888's Blog
  • dumbNnumb26's Blog
  • Germangirl90's Blog
  • JessieJ's Blog
  • dragongaurd's Blog
  • greymist's Blog
  • Letters to Myself
  • Dasi's Blog
  • Dasi's Blog
  • My Blog
  • justice4all's Blog
  • trying2accept's blog
  • Tinamarieee's Blog
  • NeverGiveUp89's Blog
  • The story of a girl
  • Should've Stopped It
  • CaseyLeona's Blog
  • CaseyLeona's Blog
  • My Blog
  • Razzy's Blog
  • Hopeless92's Blog
  • mrscoon's Blog
  • kc405's Blog
  • FlickeringSoul's Moments Of Thought
  • Amd1217's Blog
  • kitcatwich's Blog
  • Emerald1981's Blog
  • fallenflower's non fair tail
  • diprece's Blog
  • sjp124532 Blog
  • blog part 2
  • "You're not gonna sue me right?"
  • noname92's Blog
  • Speaking up and Out
  • LeahA's Blog
  • 1000 stories of me
  • jinx789's Blog
  • Sandersj911's Blog
  • shamilton747's Blog
  • Dasi's Blog
  • Recovery Recorded from Step One
  • 127
  • Poetry That Helps Me Cope
  • Months go by
  • innocence
  • suziespots
  • teleahstears
  • A Father's Love *Tw
  • A Father's Love
  • My past
  • Losing My Virginity to a Sociopath
  • Heartfelt
  • Bb
  • Vivkitten
  • First Blog
  • My Faith encouragement
  • Oakprs Blog
  • MyselfAndI
  • My story
  • A Drop in the Bucket
  • Figuring Stuff Out
  • Mental Dragonfllies
  • deb28
  • cazn
  • RisingAboveTheScars
  • Danitza
  • Dear Perpetrator...*TW
  • Marilyn's Blog
  • Jenny
  • A Safe Place
  • Invictus
  • My Life - POSSIBLE TW BEEN THROUGH IT ALL
  • Two Lives
  • Damaged Goods
  • Every Second
  • Me and my thoughts
  • hey everyone im back
  • Lostgirl19
  • Ddogs
  • Through My Eyes
  • Donnna
  • This is my reality
  • May our spirits be free
  • Thomas
  • Kathyps33
  • Bloodbrother
  • Frank
  • i reached out last
  • Angelinas
  • Stich
  • Lost&FoundGirl
  • avi
  • Positive Vision
  • BALCFAN
  • Nienne
  • Bearing it All
  • Muse
  • Unsteady
  • Deb0895
  • Quinn
  • Matthew
  • I Think I Have A Problem
  • I Think I Have A Problem
  • A blog I'm gonna end up hating.....
  • LonelymanJim
  • How do I get out of this unhealthy cycle I've created for myself
  • Abomination
  • Why I came here...Part of my story
  • A place for hidden thoughts
  • hear no evil. see no evil. speak no evil.
  • I am Me and that is OK
  • always scared
  • Thank you for what you have taught me
  • My story (TW)
  • Shatteredintonuthing
  • Cute Baby chickens
  • My space
  • Let it all out
  • I thought it could never happen to me...
  • Zero to One
  • Alone in my thoughts
  • Positive Vision
  • My Journey
  • Hi :)
  • A
  • Forging My Own Path
  • Hawkgirl's Haven
  • life goes on
  • Catbox
  • The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
  • Wonderland - Thinking zone
  • The Journey to the other side
  • Ending the Cycle. Incest Survivor.
  • I Am No Victim
  • I'm over the struggle!
  • About Us
  • Healing Tears
  • One simple kind act
  • EJG
  • my healing journey
  • Saving Tulip
  • There is an ocean in my soul
  • Trying to Recover.
  • Science Geek
  • Hello
  • The tragedy that is my life....
  • Ljay
  • Everything happens for a reason......
  • My Journey To Evolution
  • My story
  • Trying
  • Resurrection?
  • Always in a "Man's World"
  • Insider Edition
  • A Tiny Sea
  • Twice over
  • my healing process and thoughts along the way
  • This is two parts having it out.
  • Am I alone?
  • All of this is difficult
  • Debbie20
  • Project: Hero
  • Life
  • Into the Abyss
  • Behind the Wall
  • My Story (Trigger Warning)
  • My story
  • Thoughts and Stuff
  • What's Beauty
  • Lil' Tribble
  • simply samantha
  • survivingdecember
  • How not to get angry before sex after experiencing rape
  • Here we go again
  • Unwritten...
  • Full Disclosure: the little girl trapped inside
  • LifeAfterRape
  • recovery- my story
  • Pieces of me
  • *T* My Story
  • adanic
  • My story
  • Where I am today
  • The old me.
  • The road so far
  • Gotta Keep on Moving
  • Mary's thoughts
  • I Suck at Keeping Journals
  • PearlofMary
  • I am a Survivor
  • PearlofMary
  • A monster is getting out on parole, now what..
  • Dawn of a new day
  • saying it out loud
  • Neverendingtears
  • A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
  • Staying Strong
  • Blondy2002
  • CivilCybil
  • Invisible Struggle
  • Grow.
  • Jzel
  • Catsarelife
  • My Journey
  • Dan
  • Cold
  • Purging and healing
  • Continuing Transformation
  • Warriors in the Sky
  • Supergirl
  • The Story of Lotus Flower
  • Depressing blog
  • Can't Feel
  • My mind
  • I lost a friend as well as my dignity, my self respect,...
  • Finding the light.
  • Sneakers against ignorance
  • I wonder why God let’s me walk through this place
  • My story
  • Nature
  • An open letter
  • My Therapy Talk
  • Roses Into The Abyss
  • Kaleidoscope
  • How Far I'll Go
  • MY NEW BEGINNING
  • a song im writing.
  • Musings
  • pencils
  • Vine & Fig Tree
  • Japan Festival in Houston
  • And So, I Write...
  • Life can be Garbage
  • To feel or Not to feel
  • Support Blog (I only wish my sibling would accept our support...)
  • whatever
  • My healing journey
  • sorting station
  • Scars/traces/fase s /
  • Rewind
  • After Silence
  • Trying to save myself
  • My Life
  • My musings
  • (possible trigger warning)
  • Trying this now.
  • A Journey
  • I'm a mess
  • My Journey Through The Darkness
  • One Night
  • A Turtle Without His Shell
  • PMsupertramp
  • Scared
  • Thoughts
  • Undefeated Battles
  • Finding my Narrative
  • The Way to Get Through
  • The Way to Get Through
  • Trying to heal from my past
  • This is the Story of a Girl...
  • Jennifer Kelly
  • Maryjudy
  • Poems
  • Sharing for the first time
  • A Better Day
  • I thought I was fixed
  • The Valley Below
  • The Reoccurring Night
  • Just Need to Vent for a Moment
  • Closing my eyes
  • ST123
  • did my abuse not allow me to deal with sexuality?
  • did my abuse not allow me to deal with sexuality?
  • Thoughts
  • Emails to my T
  • Random Blips of Light on the Radar of Life
  • Broken
  • The Frog Blog
  • Emergence: Healing and Recovery from Sexual Violence
  • FadedButNotForgot
  • Numbness
  • One year
  • Stubborn and Broken
  • Gordy
  • lost
  • A Glimmer of Hope
  • Spread Your Wings
  • Silence is golden
  • blackroses1999
  • A letter to the boy I thought ruined me
  • tears from heaven
  • MY JOURNEY AS A SURVIVOR
  • Still fighting
  • Phoenix - from the ashes I shall rise
  • Asking for help
  • Hugakeribear
  • Hi
  • My Survival Stroy
  • On Broken Wings
  • Heroine
  • I need a blog I talk too much
  • Still I Rise
  • One Step Closer To Freedom
  • Abuse, addiction, religion, and the desire to heal
  • Me now my child
  • Thoughts
  • a blog
  • Who I am now
  • Working on it
  • Thoughts I Need to Share
  • What You Feel and Think
  • My trauma through poetry
  • Blah, Blah, Blog
  • Release
  • Words I'll Never Say
  • Help
  • Blog
  • My repository
  • silence
  • sleep
  • Feeling Ashamed
  • Healing Steps
  • (Mis)Adventures of a Twenty-Something
  • My Story
  • Journal of my Journey
  • Lonely Girl Diaries
  • They call us survivors
  • into the cave we wander
  • The Vault
  • Viceless
  • PTSD Journal
  • Laying Amongst the Daisies
  • Self Deprecation Station
  • The Memories that won't leave
  • Once upon a Time
  • My Beginning
  • The abyss I call my mind
  • Brain Dumps
  • let me breathe
  • Memories Taking Over
  • Sexual Assault & Orgasm
  • Please no pity
  • Thoughts and things
  • Now That I'm Grown
  • Maybe I'm gay maybe it's make believe
  • My life after
  • Don't touch me, read this
  • trying to process
  • Unveiling My Truth
  • TW My confusing relationship with my father
  • mango_star1

Find results in...

Find results that contain...


Date Created

  • Start

    End


Last Updated

  • Start

    End


Filter by number of...

Joined

  • Start

    End


Group


AIM


MSN


Website URL


ICQ


Yahoo


Jabber


Skype


Birth Date


Location


Interests

Found 3 results

  1. Sexual Assault & Orgasm During an assault, a Sexual Assault Survivor (SAS) may feel overwhelmed with feelings such as exposure, terror, helplessness, worthlessness, and isolation – yet amidst all this annihilating havoc, experience a degree of sexual arousal. This leaves many wondering: why does this happen and how does it effect a SAS's experience of sexual pleasure going forward? Each of us oscillate between “approach” and “avoidance” coping strategies in our quests to reconcile our experiences. Among SAS, this can present as oscillating between extremes of hypersexuality (i.e. high initiation of sexual behaviour) and hyposexuality (i.e. low initiation of sexual behaviour)(Covington & Müeller, 2001). Let's explore what each of these look like: Hypersexuality When an individual experiences orgasm during an assault, they encounter a rule of sex: increasing pain can increase pleasure. Sexual satiation is defined as the tipping point at which sexual tension begins to dissipate, typically following the climax of sexual excitement or stimulation (Bancroft & Vukadinovic, 2004). Because the brain is motivated to achieve equilibrium, it responds to extreme pain with a heavy release of opioids to regulate subjective experiences of distress and thereby produce a sense of calm (Tracey & Leknes, 2008). This anxiety-relief pattern is itself a “tipping point from peak tension to pleasure” and the SAS may come to understand that this is what sexual satisfaction is. During a period of hypersexuality, a SAS would likely describe the experience of rewarding sex as an energetic rush which culminates in a moment of “blacking out”, followed by a calm. As Freud conceptualizes it, it’s as if great tension in the body produces an urgent psychological drive towards satiation which results in climax in the psyche rather than body (Stoléru, 2014). For the hypersexual SAS, there is a pattern of overwhelming negative affect (i.e. feelings/emotions), alexithymia (i.e. the inability to identify or verbally describe ones feelings), and compulsive sexual behaviour (Walton, Cantor, Bhullar, & Lykins, 2017). Compulsions are repetitive behaviours or mental acts, of which the purpose is to prevent or reduce anxiety and distress. That is, they are ways of controlling the terror of lacking control. In this way, the SAS may learn to use sex as a way to medicate their distress. Although not particularly pleasant for their body, this compulsive anxiety-relief pattern produces an inherently reinforcing and potentially addictive “high” (Schwartz, Galperin, & Masters, 1995)(Bancroft & Vukadinovic, 2004) Hyposexuality When desperately trying to escape unwanted sexual stimulation, the SAS learns yet another rule of sex: decreasing pleasure can decrease pain. Dissociation is “the loss of the usual sense of self, time, and space, as a result of intense attentional focus or absorption in the environment, in feelings, in physical sensations, or in creations of the imagination” (Bird, Seehuus, Clifton & Rellini, 2014). In sex, a certain degree of this is helpful in order to remove the distractions of the external world, get out of our heads, and into the sexual experience of our bodies. Powerful psychological distancing effectively allows an individual to use another person’s body to masturbate, allowing for a climax in the body rather than the psyche. The hyposexual SAS would likely describe sexual satisfaction as an enjoyable physical release – similar but pronounced to a massage or scratching of an itch. In the hyposexual stage, the alexithymia associated with the hypersexual stage is reversed – that is, negative affect is consciously understood as being associated with the trauma, rather than confused as part of the “excitement” of the moment (Schwartz, Galperin, & Masters, 1995). To cope with this, the hyposexual SAS may avoid sex all together, or employ defence mechanisms to bypass awareness of emotions, bring sex to a tolerable level, and focus on the body rather than the whole of the self, other, or situation (Schwartz, Galperin, & Masters, 1995). Such defences can be employed to various degrees, for example – during sex the SAS may find they are immensely enjoying themselves one moment, then suddenly board (i.e. high defence), tearful (i.e. medium defence), or overcome with panic – thrashing wildly as if reliving an assault (i.e. low defence). A SAS may be familiar with their potential to fluctuate between these states, yet be unable to anticipate which if any of these will emerge. This lack of control over potential distress may be why a hyposexual SAS isn’t particularly inclined to initiate frequent sex. Furthermore, a heightened sense of trust tends to dissolve defences, which are crucial for preventing potential triggers in the environment from eliciting traumatic affect (Schwartz, Galperin, & Masters, 1995). This means that a SAS may respond to feelings of safety in the sexual context with the potential for an equal unmasking of their underlying sense of vulnerability to anticipated harm. For this reason, becoming too close to sexual partners may be registered in the SAS brain as dangerous, therefore they may prefer partners which they are in some way estranged to. Stepping Beyond the Cycle These “rules” of sex that may be learned within the context of assault, can be applied in healthy ways. The key is for the SAS to become aware of the forces that are driving them and begin to extract what they have discovered about pleasure from the horrors in which it was bread. Find out more about this in our next blog post, by entering your email below. To learn more about this study click: here. To pursue therapy with Sarah click: here. To be notified when part two of this post becomes available, enter your email below! References: Bancroft, J., & Vukadinovic, Z. (2004). Sexual addiction, sexual compulsivity, sexual impulsivity, or what? Toward a theoretical model. Journal of sex research, 41(3), 225-234. Covington, M. V., & Müeller, K. J. (2001). Intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation: An approach/avoidance reformulation. Educational Psychology Review, 13(2), 157-176. Schwartz, M. F., Galperin, L. D., & Masters, W. H. (1995). Post-Traumatic Stress, Sexual Trauma and Dissociative Disorder: Issues Related to Intimacy and Sexuality. Stoléru, S. (2014). Reading the freudian theory of sexual drives from a functional neuroimaging perspective. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 8, 157. doi:10.3389/fnhum.2014.00157 Morber, 2013. What Science Says About Arousal During Rape. Retrieved by: https://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-05/science-arousal-during-rape Tracey, I., & Leknes, S. (2008). A common neurobiology for pain and pleasure. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 9(4), 314-320. doi:10.1038/nrn2333 Walton, M. T., Cantor, J. M., Bhullar, N., & Lykins, A. D. (2017). Hypersexuality: A critical review and introduction to the "sexhavior cycle". Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2231.
  2. How could I have been so naive? How could I allow someone to manipulate me so much? I feel worthless. I'm so alone. I feel annoying everywhere. To everyone. I'll have this shame inside me forever. My chest actually hurts because I just feel the loneliness and shame breaking my heart. I find myself seeing others with family or people talking about family or friends and my heart hurts so badly because I just long for it so much. I long for someone to see me and tell me I matter to them, too. I wish I knew what to do to change this feeling. I'm reverting back to bad coping mechanisms; which I guess is bingeing, fasting, drinking. I don't want to do this. But I feel so alone. I don't have one person I feel like I can truly open up to without feeling annoying. I wish I could feel connected. I'm depressed. I never think about suicide for me personally, but I have been thinking about suicide as a topic in itself. I feel so hopeless about ever being happy but I don't think about dying anymore. NOBODY CARES. I am nothing. A nobody. With an unbelievable story. A ghost. Was he right all along and that's why he chose to use me? I was weak? I was nothing? Still am those things I guess. I try not to let him write my life story; but I feel beaten down. I want to feel like I matter. I have always been unworthy to be seen by my parents, most family, friends. I have always tried to be there for everyone in my life and nobody is there to even ask me how I am. I feel like people only talk to me when they want something. So I feel used. Like I have always felt. I feel haunted by him more often than not. The things he said, he spoke them to life it seems. I am nothing Who could care about me? Would anyone really care if I was gone? No Where is everyone now? I own you. You will never forget. You will try, but you never will. And he is right. I cant forget. No matter how hard I try. He has ruined sex for me. He has completely obliterated any thought I have about pleasure. I never had a living sex life before the first rape. And the promiscuity I did experiment with was when I was 19, and so were the guys I was having sex with. So they were young and inexperienced and I never really orgasm-ed with them. I did orgasm with N a few times, but I was young and inexperienced and I didn't know what exactly had happened entirely to reach that each time. The only memories that I think of when it comes to pleasure are the rapes.. Because I orgasm-ed. It is humiliating. Extremely frustrating. I had no idea what I was doing, but it seemed to me maybe he knew what he was doing and that's what makes me so ashamed. Because even now I am aroused thinking about it. But it just is what it is...it happened. I can't undo it. So now if I orgasm or squirt, it is very humiliating for me. Every orgasm is met with a "no" aloud and I can't stop it. It is etched into my brain. Forever. I avoid squirting but on a rare occasion it will happen and I end up physically ill from it. Especially because whoever it happens with gets very excited and fixated on it, like he did. It's happened with DJ once and I tried so hard to not do it. It also happened when I was pregnant a few years ago. Now I am constantly edging a full orgasm because I don't want to accidentally do it again. He really ruined me. And I am sure he meant this. He intended this hell for me. I don't know how to not think about it. I have no idea what to do. I feel completely ruined. I don't know how to talk to anyone about this so I guess writing it is my only outlet. It is so embarrassing is it always like this??
  3. So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best... But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sexy night, trying to be coy and touch his thigh/whatever... and he just lays there. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me. That's his standard sexy pose... laying still, not making noise, eyes closed. I just feel so... invisible. And I KNOW that it is probably a mental issue on MY part.. Because, he got hard, we had sex, he came... so it wasn't like I didn't get what I wanted. And he DID touch me, say things to me, use words and stuff that I like... but.. I still just feel like it's a fucking chore to him. I know it's not... and I have tried to tell him over and over again... I NEED ATTENTION. LOOK at me. Talk TO me. Fucking pay attention to me!!! I feel like I want to wrap myself around his legs like a whiny toddler, and not let go until he promises to do it. It terrifies me -- what I might do if I keep feeling this way. See, then that's where I get angry at him again. WHY SHOULD I FEEL ASHAMED FOR SOMETHING 'I MIGHT DO', when it's something I wouldn't HAVE to do if he would just fucking pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't that make me a horrible bit*h? Like I'm saying, it's HIS fault if I leave him, cheat on him, whatever. But... when you try every way you know to communicate to your spouse what you need... and they just can't seem to figure out what you want/ or don't care (it is starting to feel this way...)...... Yeah... don't mind me, just complaining about my marriage. With my husband who is trying his best to be what I need, to give me what I need. Yeah. Let me just wallow in some more self pity. Fucking great. Ugh. Yeah. Just working through some shit.
×
×
  • Create New...