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So we had a big ass talk. My husband and I. I don't think my husband has fully understood the depth of my need for a man to possess me. Sexually,. to be submissive to a man. To be his precious thing. I'm realizing that a lot of it has to do with my family falling apart, and feeling abandoned by my dad. The one man who was supposed to be my number one, the one who was supposed to love me forever, who was supposed to cherish me, protect me, and teach me... he left. I was around 11 or 12... and I was searching for a man to fill that void. Enter P. A 16 or 17 year old. He showered me with attention, told me he loved me, and professed how he would marry me. Innocent enough, but I gravitated towards it like a thirsty man to a cool stream. Then it became sexual. Who knows when. And who knows how long between that first interaction and the first time we had intercourse when I was 15. Suddenly, me, this young girl who has always felt sexual - masturbated, played games with her dolls involving kidnapping and domination - suddenly I was getting this sexual attention from a man. After that... there was no... hobbies... no .... I mean... I went to school. I had a job. I had one really good girlfriend in high school. And then I had boyfriends, or boys I messed around with... One after the other after the other until I met my husband. When I was 18. I knew he was a good man, a kind person, so I quickly snatched him up. Up until now, we have been happy in our marriage... or... as happy as you expect to be, you know, with life and all. Then we met these poly people. They basically invited us to play.. and one of the guys, he just KNEW what kind of attention I wanted... he could fucking smell it. Dominating, controlling, aggressive. I felt like someone suddenly was shining a light into the deepest part of me. It was like, who's that back there, I haven't seen her in such a long time... she's been chained up in the deepest part of me... but she's been creeping out... She's been creeping out in the way my consumption of erotic literature has raised over the past few years... to the way I have been masturbating more then ever, and creating pictures and elaborate fantasies... but it's not satisfying. She's going fucking crazy... I am going fucking crazy.. So I told my husband that I feel like I need this attention... and that he has (by his own accord) no desire - nor feels capable of being dominant. I told him I want to feel like his possession, and he said, "Kimmy, I can never treat you as a possession." I asked him if he could even in just a sexual capacity. He said "You know that's not me." It was... it was fucking hard. He feels like I am trying to make him change.. but I'm not.. I'm asking him to try.... I don't know what the hell I need... I would love it if HE could boss me around, use me and make me feel so fucking good because I know he loves me so much that he wants to fucking possess me. Is that fucked up to want to feel that? To need to feel that? Sometimes I feel like the ONLY skill I have is sex. Like... that is the way I know you like me, that you care about me... it's like ultimate Kimmy time. Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway... we basically ended with... I know he loves me. In his words, "I'm here, aren't I?" We're trying. I want him to come to counseling with me at some point... And... honestly... I was fucking choking an integral and deep rooted part of who I am.... she was dying... now he knows... it's out... Maybe we can move on? I want to move forward with him. I just want to move forward... but feel happy and fulfilled. I also really hurt and feel ashamed that he is hurt because I am not feeling happy.. or like he can give me what I need. But I can't help the way I'm built.... I have always been this way. I never remember NOT being this way. No more than he can control the way he is built. A sweet, passive, honest, gentle person. I don't feel like we're at an impasse... it's more like... there was a minor explosion... but now there's a clear little space. I guess... also... I must remind myself.. this is all very fast in his perspective. Whereas even though my willingness to be honest with him and myself is fairly new... I have known this, lived with this, forever. I also said the words, "I need a sexual outlet? What else can I do?" to him. And that what I AM doing, is not enough. I don't really know what this means... and now that I'm writing it out like this... I feel like a fucking selfish person. Horrible and disgusting and just... wrong. Oh yeah, he also said, "I thought you wanted to, like, like you didn't want those feelings. That you thought they were unhealthy." And I was like, "Yeah, I know they're not... normal... but because of my age when my abuse started... coupled with the trauma of the divorce... I am forever stuck with that sexual charge. I can't not be that way. I don't see myself ever not being that way." So yeah... that also felt fucking amazing... scary... like... I didn't know why I was fucking saying these things to my spouse... I said a few times, "I don't know why I am telling you this, I don't want to tell you this" There was lots of crying on my end. He was incredibly uncomfortable and luckily we were going to go do something that allowed him his space to process. So it's ok. He was loving on me the next time I saw him, and joking around... good ole G. Just wanted to throw this out there to all you other peoples in the abyss. You too can roll the dice and risk everything to feel free within yourself. To know that your spouse sees all of you... and that maybe(?) they will roll with you.... but also... maybe they won't want to. And they deserve to have the relationship they want too. I am strong. I can make it through anything. It was scary as fuck. It's terrifying to lay my soul bare to him.. to admit these things that are so socially unacceptable and "not normal".... to basically tell my husband that he is not giving me what I need... I felt terrible doing it... and I didn't like doing it. But I felt... cleansed afterwards. Like there was a little more space in my head for me to just... think. To just... breathe. Be ok with who I am. It's crazy. I feel like I'm in a waking dream sometimes.
So... I've had two therapy sessions... The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage. This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations. 1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse... I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen years were dominated by sex. Having sex, finding sex, getting attention and love and acceptance through sex. There is nothing else in my core.... It makes me sad... but it's more like... an absence of emotion... I never knew that girl... so how can I miss her? 2) Sexual attention. We talked about the growing frequency of my consumption of erotic literature, masturbating, and creating my own erotic illustrations and stories... Like... when I first met my hubby, even though he wasn't giving me the TYPE of sexual attention I wanted... we did it so frequently that it didn't matter... I was still getting fulfilled. Then... it tapered... and I started masturbating more. Then it tapered more... and I started drawing erotic pictures.... Until now I feel like that is all I think about. She asked if that was enough, and I said no. It's not just coming, having an orgasm... it's about feeling connected sexually to another person. She asked if I had told this to my husband... and I have... but not so.... bluntly. She said I need to. And I was like... yeah, but who wants to go home and be like... C'mon, let's have an open marriage. --- Sigh... She's right. But it's so scary... especially after I have tried to delicately bring this up to him before... and his response is "I'm not that person", "I never wanted an open marriage", "I am monogamous".... basically drawing a very definite line in the sand... so I am scared to broach it again with him. --- Not sure what's going on in my life.....
Got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. it was all I could do to not cry on the phone with her. Husband and I had a nice, well no..we both cried, we both were upset...but we talked. I told him I was lonely and unhappy. I told him what I need...and it was so fucking hard to say out loud to him... I told him about the need to be possessed... And he said that isn't me. I know it isn't... He said things that translated to me as, fucking destroy everything by cheating, or leave, cause that ain't me. He said, I know that's what you hear, but that's not what I mean.. But I don't know what he means either. He loves me, he wants to be with me... He said we could go to counseling together...and we are going to. I just don't want to feel doomed. Doomed to hurt someone, doomed to destroy my marriage.... Yeah...tomorrow at 2. I hate this. Feeling like this.