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Found 3 results

  1. My brother was my best friend he was supposed to come here this year and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my daughter and I. since he took his life he took that away from me and from my daughter. I am still trying to find my place in the world without him. going through the recent sexual assult I would have turned to him but hes not there. im alone in my head trying to wrap my brain around everything that has happened. I just don't know how to stay strong and im exhausted. why couldn't he care enough to stay here reach out to me I would have done anything, ANYTHING, in my ability to help him and support him. but he didn't give me that chance. I lost the only family I had besides my daughter.thats what he took to his niece being able to know him and love him and in return his love for her. I don't want to have to work through this assult alone but I guess I am meant to. I don't know where else I could get the support I get here as AS. I don't feel so alone and I am so THANKFUL for this and the lovely people here. its sad to know others are hurting and been hurt but in a strange way I guess feels good that at least someone out there knows what I am going through.
  2. well, trying to do everything in my power to make things right and mend the bridges I have burnt. not sure if it is working but I guess its going to be worth the try. Since my brother took his life in march I realize just how much I miss him in my life. I find myself doing things and then random thoughts about him sneak in. I still grieve the loss of my best friend. I am saddened because my daughter doesn't get to know him and he would of loved her. she kept him drug free for 9 months. but when in the hospital my grandmother told him that he was not welcome at the hospital. we had planned on him being there for the birth of his niece. after she went off on him he went and got high. he knew he was not allowed around my daughter until he was clean and sober. I went back to Utah when she was about 2 years old and he finally got to meet her. he loved it he played with her and that is a memory I will always have. after what happened well now 3 weeks ago, the sexual assult by someone who was supposed to be my friend. I just want to lie in the corner and cry avoid anyone and everyone. I feel so alone right now and I feel like I don't deserve the support anymore because of bad choices I myself made. I cant fix it but hopefully in time can begin to mend my bridges that I burnt. I know it will never be the same but I did this to myself I must take the responsibility it was no one elses fault just me. I have come to accept this fact, but feel so alone now. I am so tired of trying and it doesn't seem to be mending anything at this point. things have to get better it cant always be bad. it killed me when I went to Utah to burry my brother. he is buried right next to Ashlie, my oldest daughter that passed when she wasfour. therefore I had to visit her grave and I didn't feel ready. its been 15 years since I lost her and buried her but the pain was so hard to deal with. the only peace I get from this is that my brother is up there watching over Ashlie and Kim and myself..
  3. Since I started my healing I have good days, bad days, and days where I'd rather lock myself away with a blade and go to town on my own legs. Healing started when I told my husband my whole story with nothing left out. First time in my life i let someone in and for him to be angry with my rapist made it so much more for me. The things he's telling me were so milder than my own thoughts of hurting the one who hurt me for years. After I told him it took a few hours for me to realize that I finally did it and when I did it all came pouring back like a movie. My little cracks I made to let him in shattered and I couldn't pick myself off the floor. I broke into a million pieces sobbing uncontrollable and when he found me all he could do was hold me until I stopped. When I finally calmed down the inside of my body was fighting, throwing things, and screaming all while the outside was empty, cold, and silent. Since that night I can't go to sleep with the lights off, the nightmares have slowly started to get better, I still wake up in the middle of sleeping in panic searching for my husband. A few days later I sat down with my dad to ask the questions iv had for years but always to scared to ask. Talking to him helped alot with our relationship because I was told he knew about all of it and like my mother allowed it. He didn't know at all and I'll always remember him saying you never truly know what is going on with the people closest to you and crying. It took me about 15 years after it ended to finally let someone know my pain I live with daily. Thank you for reading.
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