Jump to content

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'sexual assault'.



More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


Forums

  • I AM AWARE OF WHAT THE RULES ARE
    • Public: Rules and Guidelines
  • SOMETIMES I HEAR MY VOICE...
    • Public: Welcome!
  • THESE PRECIOUS THINGS...
    • Public: Pretty Good Year
    • Public: Resources
  • JUST A SILLY PHASE I AM GOING THROUGH
  • HAPPY WORKERS (Administration)
    • Public: Feedback Dropbox

Blogs

  • From the Bottom of Beyond....
  • Matty253's Blog
  • Healing Journey
  • JenD's Blog
  • helannah's Blog
  • lexieb's Blog
  • My Story and Healing Process
  • My Poetry
  • ZombieG's Blog
  • beckyjayne's Blog
  • inzerlinzer17's Blog
  • USN11Sam's Blog
  • Wounded Healer
  • brokenhearted89's Blog
  • Survivors sanctuary's Blog
  • Diary of a not so mad man.
  • Diary of a Not so Mad Man
  • tina619's Blog
  • Copper's Word Roost
  • AshleyyyRebecca's Blog
  • kj645's Blog
  • Trial By Fire
  • brokengirl89's Blog
  • lalachant's Blog
  • raindrops94's Blog
  • Trial By Fire
  • abbyroad's Blog
  • jooo's Blog
  • A Brilliant Darkness
  • Howl at the Moon
  • Is Recovery Possible?
  • Fallenstar's Random Thoughts
  • Marcie's Blog
  • aharockperi's Blog
  • Nonnie's Blog
  • Nonnie's Blog
  • Tired of Being Taboo, Time to Speak my Truth
  • My Meaningful Life
  • blogging instead of crying
  • lori43's Blog
  • Elle White's Blog
  • RACHELM1995's Blog
  • Veelookingback's Blog
  • This is going to be a long journey
  • seraphim's Blog
  • A little thing called happiness
  • Always Express Yourself
  • stuckinthedarkness' Blog
  • Angel80's Blog
  • Angel80's Blog
  • Angel80's Blog
  • Realizing, Accepting, Moving on
  • Panther195's Blog
  • lemonlady's Blog
  • Ginger Grove
  • One Woman
  • Wherever it takes me.
  • My Battle
  • Kat's Blog
  • Hope Resilience Strength
  • rjnestor982's Blog
  • My Story.
  • Returning
  • Candace's Blog
  • amandaoliver's Blog
  • how's Blog
  • BrightEyes19's Blog
  • Sarkasm's Blog
  • kungfu's Blog
  • Elliott's Blog
  • Flataffect7's Blog
  • tonysullivan's Blog
  • Jaydien's Blog
  • your honour, my shame
  • jusme's Blog
  • vakry's Blog
  • Kizza's Blog
  • shortcake's Blog
  • jusme's Blog
  • trustissues23's Blog
  • disclaimher's Blog
  • Villa Straylight
  • guessangelina's Blog
  • Horses, Dogs, and Etc
  • Turtle's Tellings
  • Better
  • bernie's Blog
  • aztecwarrior's Blog
  • Just another bad day
  • Finding Me.
  • GhostWriter's Blog
  • miraculoussunshine27's Blog
  • Coco's Journey
  • forest on daily life
  • NothingHasBeenBroken's Blog
  • trying2breathe's Blog
  • colacard's Blog
  • Nonsense & Nothing
  • AWolf74075's Blog
  • My Story Unleashed
  • ItsNotMyShameToBear's Blog
  • The Freedom Writer's Diary
  • careforlovedones1's Blog
  • Breaking the Silence
  • ImScared's Blog
  • LadyRose's Blog
  • Skyfeather's Blog
  • Breathe in, Breathe out
  • eternalsunshine's Blog
  • FindingClosure's Blog
  • ash182007's Blog
  • LovemyBostonTerrier's Blog
  • daily basis
  • Scarathonia's Blog
  • random acts of mindlessness
  • Sober's Blog
  • Tiffany's Blog
  • Perpetually Healing
  • oldscarnewpain's Blog
  • CalliopeRayne's Blog
  • Green's General Ramblings On Life
  • Little Mermaid Girl's Blog
  • Hope is a thing with feathers
  • Still in Pain
  • FightingHeart's Blog
  • talking to myself
  • annenzhk's Blog
  • annenzhk's Blog
  • Thoughts and Memeries
  • Highs and Lows
  • Bloom
  • justanothersurvivor's Blog
  • fallenstar's crew's blog
  • Ladybug4's Blog
  • robert1992's Blog
  • Dreamer90's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • Kasha's Blog
  • ImAWarrior's Blog
  • droid's story
  • Systeminthesky
  • Taniandre's Blog
  • DizzyDidi's Blog
  • CookingGnome's Blog
  • Foxface's Blog
  • StruggliNSilence14's Blog
  • Apples to Apples
  • ForgetIT's Blog
  • fisher94's Blog
  • JessieJoy's Blog
  • rollininthedeep's Blog
  • Jamienicole's Blog
  • Roaming Cat
  • Broken1973's Blog
  • SurvivorBornAgain's Blog
  • dancelove's Blog
  • BlueCanvas' Blog
  • hippeechick's Blog
  • Write it out and move on
  • Confusedandalone1415's Blog
  • NoMoreSilence
  • left-behind-for-dead
  • Remembrance
  • Pete :)
  • reidmallorie's Blog
  • Mickeylace2000's Blog
  • KateFindsHerVoice's Blog
  • pumpkinoodle1216's Blog
  • princessgrace21's Blog
  • JustBroken's Blog
  • anna1's Blog
  • 2 xs in a row
  • firefly05's Blog
  • firefly05's Blog
  • Deafening Silence
  • SurvivorS3361's Blog
  • Healing Mommy
  • victoria295's Blog
  • nmkkato's Blog
  • abt22's Blog
  • crisxo's Blog
  • Rosiekrishnadevotee's Blog
  • Am I Alone Anymore?
  • The Little Boy
  • Potentially Lovely
  • Please Help...
  • Internal labyrinth
  • Moopkie's poetry
  • PurpleSun's Blog
  • Jay Ess' Blog
  • Jay Ess' Blog
  • Melikecats77's Blog
  • Lonelilies
  • This Is Life
  • Poetry is my Theripist
  • elephantlove's Blog
  • My Much Needed Blog
  • justasurvivor's Blog
  • wishiwasbetter's Blog
  • Where Healing Begins
  • nolongeravictim's Blog
  • Manyyearslater's Blog
  • lulo18's Blog
  • robme702's Blog
  • robme702's Blog
  • bbbb's Blog
  • Eimmik513's Blog
  • Maybe this can be my outlet?
  • Not Alone
  • Purpledaisies' Blog
  • Issabear's Blog
  • Blog for my insiders
  • Those Things I Think but can't say
  • Kmiller's Blog
  • Paula563's Blog
  • Emmy091796's Blog
  • Foundation of Bricks
  • Anah's Blog
  • niet8830's Blog
  • Emmy091796's Blog
  • deepunderprincess' Blog
  • BreathingAngel16's Blog
  • ihopetosave's Blog
  • Flying With Broken Wings
  • fadingflower's Blog
  • Ineedtoheal's Blog
  • mrsmlk's Blog
  • Kimberly122708
  • Hopefully I'll Use This
  • Starting Over
  • iyaaguilar's Blog
  • sm28's Blog
  • ladyphlox's Tumblr
  • lolo525's Blog
  • Caslynn77's Blog
  • LeanneGeorge's Blog
  • hbd2491's Blog
  • captain's log
  • Simone DB's Blog
  • Luna629's Blog
  • Anael's Blog
  • 4Tear
  • nicole87's Blog
  • ihatedhim's Blog
  • iamastrongperson's Blog
  • cheyanna707's Blog
  • lovelyla25's Blog
  • One story at a time...
  • hope4healing23's Blog
  • needavoice2015
  • No one wants to know
  • shootingstars1400's Blog
  • Eternal Misery
  • MaryHealing's Blog
  • The First Step
  • Broken Angel
  • dumbNnumb26's Blog
  • Breathing
  • A day in the life..
  • Hummingbird2015's Blog
  • jigsaw2888's Blog
  • dumbNnumb26's Blog
  • Germangirl90's Blog
  • JessieJ's Blog
  • dragongaurd's Blog
  • greymist's Blog
  • Letters to Myself
  • Dasi's Blog
  • Dasi's Blog
  • My Blog
  • justice4all's Blog
  • trying2accept's blog
  • Tinamarieee's Blog
  • NeverGiveUp89's Blog
  • The story of a girl
  • Should've Stopped It
  • CaseyLeona's Blog
  • CaseyLeona's Blog
  • My Blog
  • Razzy's Blog
  • Hopeless92's Blog
  • mrscoon's Blog
  • kc405's Blog
  • FlickeringSoul's Moments Of Thought
  • Amd1217's Blog
  • kitcatwich's Blog
  • Emerald1981's Blog
  • fallenflower's non fair tail
  • diprece's Blog
  • sjp124532 Blog
  • blog part 2
  • "You're not gonna sue me right?"
  • noname92's Blog
  • Speaking up and Out
  • LeahA's Blog
  • 1000 stories of me
  • jinx789's Blog
  • Sandersj911's Blog
  • shamilton747's Blog
  • Dasi's Blog
  • Recovery Recorded from Step One
  • 127
  • Poetry That Helps Me Cope
  • Months go by
  • innocence
  • suziespots
  • teleahstears
  • A Father's Love *Tw
  • A Father's Love
  • My past
  • Losing My Virginity to a Sociopath
  • Heartfelt
  • Bb
  • Vivkitten
  • First Blog
  • My Faith encouragement
  • Oakprs Blog
  • MyselfAndI
  • My story
  • A Drop in the Bucket
  • Figuring Stuff Out
  • Mental Dragonfllies
  • deb28
  • cazn
  • RisingAboveTheScars
  • Danitza
  • Dear Perpetrator...*TW
  • Marilyn's Blog
  • Jenny
  • A Safe Place
  • Invictus
  • My Life - POSSIBLE TW BEEN THROUGH IT ALL
  • Two Lives
  • Damaged Goods
  • Every Second
  • Me and my thoughts
  • hey everyone im back
  • Lostgirl19
  • Ddogs
  • Through My Eyes
  • Donnna
  • This is my reality
  • May our spirits be free
  • Thomas
  • Kathyps33
  • Bloodbrother
  • Frank
  • i reached out last
  • Angelinas
  • Stich
  • Lost&FoundGirl
  • avi
  • Positive Vision
  • BALCFAN
  • Nienne
  • Bearing it All
  • Muse
  • Unsteady
  • Deb0895
  • Quinn
  • Matthew
  • I Think I Have A Problem
  • I Think I Have A Problem
  • A blog I'm gonna end up hating.....
  • LonelymanJim
  • How do I get out of this unhealthy cycle I've created for myself
  • Abomination
  • Why I came here...Part of my story
  • A place for hidden thoughts
  • hear no evil. see no evil. speak no evil.
  • I am Me and that is OK
  • always scared
  • Thank you for what you have taught me
  • My story (TW)
  • Shatteredintonuthing
  • Cute Baby chickens
  • My space
  • Let it all out
  • I thought it could never happen to me...
  • Zero to One
  • Alone in my thoughts
  • Positive Vision
  • My Journey
  • Hi :)
  • A
  • Forging My Own Path
  • Hawkgirl's Haven
  • life goes on
  • Catbox
  • The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
  • Wonderland - Thinking zone
  • The Journey to the other side
  • Ending the Cycle. Incest Survivor.
  • I Am No Victim
  • I'm over the struggle!
  • About Us
  • Healing Tears
  • One simple kind act
  • EJG
  • my healing journey
  • Saving Tulip
  • There is an ocean in my soul
  • Trying to Recover.
  • Science Geek
  • Hello
  • The tragedy that is my life....
  • Ljay
  • Everything happens for a reason......
  • My Journey To Evolution
  • My story
  • Trying
  • Resurrection?
  • Always in a "Man's World"
  • Insider Edition
  • A Tiny Sea
  • Twice over
  • my healing process and thoughts along the way
  • This is two parts having it out.
  • Am I alone?
  • All of this is difficult
  • Debbie20
  • Project: Hero
  • Life
  • Into the Abyss
  • Behind the Wall
  • My Story (Trigger Warning)
  • My story
  • Thoughts and Stuff
  • What's Beauty
  • Lil' Tribble
  • simply samantha
  • survivingdecember
  • How not to get angry before sex after experiencing rape
  • Here we go again
  • Unwritten...
  • Full Disclosure: the little girl trapped inside
  • LifeAfterRape
  • recovery- my story
  • Pieces of me
  • *T* My Story
  • A common lime
  • adanic
  • My story
  • Where I am today
  • The old me.
  • The road so far
  • Gotta Keep on Moving
  • Mary's thoughts
  • I Suck at Keeping Journals
  • PearlofMary
  • I am a Survivor
  • PearlofMary
  • A monster is getting out on parole, now what..
  • Dawn of a new day
  • saying it out loud
  • Neverendingtears
  • A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
  • Staying Strong
  • Blondy2002
  • CivilCybil
  • Invisible Struggle
  • Grow.
  • Jzel
  • Catsarelife
  • My Journey
  • Dan
  • Cold
  • Purging and healing
  • Continuing Transformation
  • Warriors in the Sky
  • Supergirl
  • The Story of Lotus Flower
  • Depressing blog
  • Can't Feel
  • My mind
  • I lost a friend as well as my dignity, my self respect,...
  • Finding the light.
  • Sneakers against ignorance
  • I wonder why God let’s me walk through this place
  • My story
  • Nature
  • An open letter
  • My Therapy Talk
  • Roses Into The Abyss
  • Kaleidoscope
  • How Far I'll Go
  • MY NEW BEGINNING
  • a song im writing.
  • Musings
  • pencils
  • Vine & Fig Tree
  • Japan Festival in Houston
  • And So, I Write...
  • Life can be Garbage
  • To feel or Not to feel
  • Support Blog (I only wish my sibling would accept our support...)
  • whatever
  • My healing journey
  • sorting station
  • Scars/traces/fase s /
  • Rewind
  • After Silence
  • Trying to save myself
  • My Life
  • My musings
  • (possible trigger warning)
  • Trying this now.
  • A Journey
  • I'm a mess
  • My Journey Through The Darkness

Calendars

  • Community Calendar

Found 19 results

  1. New to This

    Hi everyone. I was nearly assaulted over 3 years ago by someone I thought was a friend. I have "dealt" with it as best as I thought I could without reaching out for help. My two most precious people in the world, my husband and my mom, have been enormously supportive. But, I feel like talking to other survivors will help me and hopefully I can be helpful or at least provide an ear/pair of eyes to them as well. I have grappled with what I now see is very common in survivors, especially questioning if I was actually assaulted, guilt and self-blame (this one has been extremely tough), shame (even now I'm going the online route instead of a face to face group), depression, PTSD symptoms, and some of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. I recently moved across the country, away from where I lived my entire life and everything I have ever known and changed my line of work. Part of this was to help "forget" what happened. This new experience has opened my eyes in 2 ways. 1. There is no forgetting it, so I need to FORGET THAT IDEA and 2. I need some kind of closure on this and feel this forum will help me figure out what this looks like (a more direct confrontation (long story), therapy, etc). I'm open to any ideas/comments/insights. And please know I'm here for everyone, anytime.
  2. Hey, all! Hoping this finds everyone in good health...mental and otherwise! As for me, I'm still...well...me. I dare not say for sure that I'm in good mental health because that, as always, remains a matter of opinion. So...spring has finally sprung where I live...where there were gnarled, menacing tree branches, there are now lovely cherry blossom trees in bloom, colorful leaves growing, grass and flowers sprouting. Rising temperatures are also lifting my spirits - although we've had more than enough rain, it's still nice to be free of the arctic nightmare that was this past winter. I'm more motivated to go outside - this week, we're having a little work done in our backyard. Next week, I'll be attempting to decorate. The Son's graduation barbecue has been set for five weeks from now and I'm motivated to make our back yard beautiful. The cherry blossom tree I want of my own is likely going to be next year's project; making the yard presentable is going to keep me busy enough for the next few weeks. Lost a little bit less than one pound, bringing my total to 26.1. Slowly but surely, I'll get there. My water intake hasn't been what it should. Will work on that this week. But, anyway...enough of the small talk... Lately, I've been struggling with sleep, again. I thought I had it figured out, but I apparently do not. Tylenol PM has been deemed ineffective - two nights this past week, I took two and waited, waited and WAITED. Sleep remained elusive, even though I had managed to cover every single little annoying light in the room. I tossed and turned for at least another two or three hours before I finally fell asleep - an hour before the alarm roused me to get the kids up and off to school. I think I know what the problem is. It's not until I'm trying to fall asleep at night that my brain (which has been inadequately programmed to accept SLEEP as an acceptable and normal way of life) decides that it's time to think about things that I don't necessarily have answers for. At two or three in the morning, no less. I'll be tossing and turning, intent on replenishing on my energy and strength and my brain goes something like this: "Pssst. Hey, Capulet. D'ya remember the kitchen drawer you meant to re-arrange and organize? Well, it's getting fuller because you've been neglecting it for weeks. How much longer do you think it'll be before you won't be able to open it? And when you finally DO get to it, the knob you pull to open the drawer is loose. You're going to need a Phillips screwdriver to tighten it. The screwdriver is actually IN that drawer, too, so you don't have to look far. You planned for that, actually. And then when you're done with that knob, you're going to need to tighten at least a dozen other knobs throughout the kitchen and bathroom cabinets..." So, there you have it...there's me...at three o'clock in the fucking morning, there I am with the screwdriver, because my brain won't shut the fuck up about the knobs. You'd also think - okay, all thirteen knobs tightened, am I going to be able to sleep now? No. Because then it starts with the next thing. It's like my brain queues thoughts - things I push away when I have all the time in the world during the damn day, and it saves them for when I'm supposed to be sleeping. But I think I'm a sleep superhero - I've mentioned previously that this was something I've been used to since I was in my late teens. Sure, the day after, I'm a zombie and the night after, I USUALLY crash accompanying a NyQuil swig. So, a couple nights ago...I had a pounding headache. Took a Tylenol PM - (and here's further proof that it simply doesn't work...I either need to take three or four or find something stronger) and headed to bed. Few minutes in, there's the voice of my brain. "Hey. Hey. Never mind sleep. Tell me, Capulet, why do you think you don't like music?" I punch my pillow. Oh, my God. All I want is to SLEEP! Shut up, brain. SHUT UP! I attempt to ignore the voice. I think of other things. I think of my beautiful nieces and my handsome nephew. My cats. My upcoming house projects. The parties I'm trying to plan for birthdays, graduations, other marvelous life moments. I try to "start" a dream...hopefully I'll drift off and finish it. No such luck that night, though. "You're not going to sleep until you explain to yourself why you hate music. Come on. It's time to think about this and nothing else, because you're NOT going to be able to sleep until you do..." I want to say Will Ferrell is the voice of my disobedient brain - simply because I can't stand him and find him annoying. Very convenient, isn't it, to have him narrate my impromptu middle-of-the-night thoughts? So, I get to thinking about my dislike of music. It's not because I want to or choose to, it's because Will Ferrell won't let me sleep. I always thought that it mostly has to do with the fact that I can't hear it. I can feel the beat, I can hear, through the help of my hearing aid, the sounds. But I cannot string together the words to a song. I can't tell if it's a pleasant sound or dissonant. I can't enjoy it, even in the smallest way. I don't understand when someone tells me that music is more than hearing; it's an experience. I don't get it when my fiancee rushes over to me after watching 'The Voice' with goosebumps on her arms and she says, "Oh, my god...their singing...it sent chills through my body...look! See the goosebumps?" And sure enough, yes, there they are. I don't get it when I see people in the gym or jogging in the park with headphones in. I mean, I guess I CAN understand - for these people, it serves as a distraction...when you can focus on your favorite songs while you work out, the exercise doesn't seem so tedious. Maybe that's why I fail miserably whenever I DO bring my ass over to the gym. I see people with song lyrics tattooed on them. Lyrics I normally cannot identify the song they came from or who the artist is. My mother loves music and enjoys Broadway...she goes to shows often with her (retired) friends. My father, when he's not swearing at the Mets and their recent lack of baseball talent, loves music and occasionally 'jams' with his (also retired) friends - he plays the organ and the saxophone, for fun. He's also known to enjoy American Idol when it's on. My sister (the one who's a bit of a snoot) has been performing since she was a small child and much to all of our relief, she's now just had her second child and is just now focusing on motherhood, something she should have started doing five years ago when my nephew was born. My fiancee loves playing her favorite music in the car or in the bedroom...she will attempt to tell me about certain songs, certain performers, and as much as I try, I can't bring myself to care. In fact, J and I have an inside joke. Whenever I see people sing, I have to admit to being amused by it and often referring to it as 'people screaming.' Because, to me, it looks like they're screaming in pain. Especially the ones who belt out in song and distort their faces so excessively, it reminds me of someone attempting to pass a kidney stone or preparing for childbirth. And so, on J's days off, I sleep late (most likely because the night before was a restless one) and while she's waiting for me to awaken, she 'watches people scream' with her cat. It works for me. And finally, my KIDS love music. The daughter is constantly playing music through her iPad while she does homework, cleans, takes showers. A lot of the time, I have to tell her to turn her stuff down, because it's giving me a headache. The Son, a few weeks ago when I picked him up from school, expressed his sadness that I couldn't hear music. He said he 'felt so bad' for me, that he found it devastating that I didn't know what I was missing. I told him that I wasn't bothered by it. I think I found it more touching that he was of the impression that we'd even have the same taste in tunes... I've even seen and met other deaf people (and it's safe to say they are just as deaf as I) who enjoy feeling the beat and claim to love music, even watching people sing/perform on television, even if they're not getting the full audio experience they still SOMEHOW manage to gain from music and reading the subtitles as a person performs. I'll never understand though, how that's possible, either. But I never questioned it. I don't think I ever really cared enough to do so. I guess it would be a different story if I'd ever heard music. If I'd been born with the ability to hear and lost my hearing later in life, I think I'd have been crushed, having something I enjoyed so intensely taken away from me. I think that's what my son THINKS happened in my case, even though I've explained time and time again - you can't possibly miss something you've never had the pleasure of understanding or experiencing. But...I have to confess...I hate music. When I hear music playing through the radio or through someone's phone or from the TV, it sounds staticky. It's just loud, annoying noise. Oftentimes, it gives me a headache because that's what noise DOES. When you can't make heads nor tails of it, you're left with unnecessary background noise that plays in your head long after it's been turned off. I can't help but roll my eyes - is it really as hyped up as everyone says? I mean - I've always said people were entitled to their own opinions, not everyone likes and dislikes the same things. But almost every single person I know likes music...and I can't help but feel left out because this isn't something I can take joy in alongside them. Ebenezer Scrooge's 'bah humbug' comes to mind whenever I see someone enjoying music or singing...and I just find myself disconnecting from any and all forms of music. I allow myself to get lost in thoughts and if the 'noise' gets to be too much, I take my ear out. I retreat into silence, because, for me - this is more comfortable. I have another theory, though, on why this is such a torrid topic. And this isn't an easy theory to recognize but in hindsight, it makes a whole lot of sense. I am going to issue a trigger warning at this point...okay? When I was assaulted at seventeen years old, it happened at a party. I was in someone's bedroom (it was not my attacker's house nor a fraternity house - it was simply someone else's 'folks-are-away-on-European-vacation-so-let's-have-a-rager' house) and my assailant had locked us inside that upstairs bedroom under the pretense of making a phone call to someone who could pick me up since my 'ride' was downstairs and drunk. Anyway, at one point after things had gone terribly wrong, I was pinned down on the floor, with him on top of me, methodically ripping away my soul. It was after I had stopped fighting him - any previous attempts to cry for help were not heard nor recognized and the door remained locked for the duration of the assault. And although I may not have understood it in the moment due to shock and eventual 'check-out', I'd later begin to realize why no one came. It's because, through the floor, I could literally feel the blasting of the music playing downstairs. This kid must have had top-of-the-line speakers and stereo equipment because it was the type of loud that one could barely hear themselves in, never mind someone in a bedroom upstairs. My body (back mostly) vibrated along with the floors. Surely, no one heard my feet and fists stomping on the floor. No one heard me scream. No one came to my rescue because NO ONE HEARD ME. During that life-changing moment that I will never be able to associate without the presence of loud "noise," I lost not only a huge part of myself, but also the ability to see music as anything but bothersome as well as loathsome. And there you have it, friends - I want to think that although the hearing impairment is likely the primary culprit, that there is also that secondary reason why I won't open up my mind to music. I just can't. Yet, I've been known to jot down some poetry and I was constantly writing things down following the sexual assault. These were my most common outlets. Both of these are closely associated with songwriting and with creation. But for me - there was no musical vision accompanying these words. While another artist might be able to put 'noise' and lovely melodies to these words, all I can manage, is silence. I am sure that music in general is a beautiful thing - yet, I can't help but associate it with something so ugly and heartless, cruel, cold. And this is something I don't like about myself nor to admit about myself, especially since I know that for so many people, whether they are close to me or not, this is a STAPLE. People have said they don't know what they'd do without their favorite music...for to them, it's comforting. As I near the end of this post, I do want to put a little disclaimer here - that if you are one of those who gain comfort from music, I certainly do respect that - I just would never be able to understand it the way you do! And in no way do I feel differently about any of my friends who love something I dislike so much - for I truly feel we all have our valid reasons for loving/hating something. I just feel that unless you can effectively explain and comprehend what your own personal reasons are, then you're not justified. (I don't know if this is even the right word or even fair to say - it's just a feeling I have when it comes to my own likes and dislikes, and it's, as expected, nearly 3am right now so I've surpassed the point of translucent thinking.) I truly wish that this was different for me and that I were more open to reading song lyrics, 'feeling' the meaning behind them, etc, but this is not something I can do right now. If this will ever be possible, I don't know, but I'm not in a hurry. But, to me, aside from not being able to hear it properly, music is simply just noise...and likely a triggering one. I'm not sure if writing this blog entry will enable me to completely understand or even to answer this particular pressing question that from time to time plagues me at odd hours of the morning. I'm not sure if it's even validation I seek. Either way...I'll hope that this interpretation appeases Will Ferrell as I hobble over to the bed. I've taken the swig a few minutes ago and am hoping that shortly, sleep, along with silence, will overcome my otherwise busy, insomniac brain. I'm sure that in the next couple nights, Will shall be back and he'll be asking me (at 2am) if I've remembered to feed the Daughter's hermit crabs or if I've remembered to transfer the clothes from the washer into the dryer or I've paid a bill or emailed an aunt for her birthday. My best to everyone. And, until next time, adios! - Capulet
  3. Hi there. I know I've only been here 57 days, and there hasn't been many posts, mainly due to my life off of the internet, but I would like to change that. So, I thought I would start off by introducing myself and explaining my first post, just in case anyone was confused. Anyway... Hello, again. My name is Nikita, but my nicknames are Niki or Pepper. I was born on July 27th, 1995 in New York. I am currently 21 years old, and I reside with my parents. I've been mentally ill since I was five years old. I've been diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia and I've been told I border on Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't start getting treatment (medications and therapy for these diagnosis) until 2008, which was also the year I began self-harming. I've been in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and have been on numerous medications such as: Abilify, Ambien, Ativan, Celexa, Effexor XR, Klonopin, Prozac, Trazodone, Wellbutrin XL and Zoloft since being diagnosed. I am currently taking Klonopin, Trazodone and will hopefully soon be starting Cymbalta and Naltrexone. The use of the Klonopin is for my Social Anxiety Disorder, Trazodone for Insomnia (although it is also another antidepressant), and the Cymbalta will be for an antidepressant and the Naltrexone for impulsivity (self-harm). I was almost three months clean this October 31st of self-harm, but ended up relapsing on the 27th. Although I don't really approve of medications, I am going to give it one last time, before fighting my insurance for an alternative method that I approve of, which is TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), because I refuse the treatment of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). Due to my mental health, I've missed out on a lot of things, such as achieving my high school diploma. I couldn't handle being around all the students, so I stayed home all the time, or I would need to be medicated, which only worked for about the first two hours anyway. To be honest, I felt like I was cheated out of my high school diploma because of my mental illness. I was a good, smart student, even when I wasn't in school. My homework was done on time, and when I went to take my regents exams, I passed. However, the school opted to put me into foster care, as if that would fix anything, but my family and I won. Not long after, I dropped out of school. In that time, I should've gotten my GED (General Education Diploma), but my best friend at the time had different plans: do drugs, drink alcohol and shoplift. I can say this is not a part of my life I regret, because if it wasn't for her, my Social Anxiety Disorder wouldn't have gotten better. Although I do feel like it has gotten worse with the recent rape/sexual assault. Besides not achieving my high school diploma, it took me until August or September of this year to achieve my driver's permit, even though I have been driving since 2014. Moving on... In 2011 I stumbled across a couple bad sites when I was in a bad place. I was depressed and suicidal. A couple years after belonging to these websites, I had my first suicide attempt in 2012, and until May 2015, I've had a total of 10 suicide attempts. I also gained my first fiancé, who was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. We were together on and off for three years (since 2011). In November of 2014 I got my first job, where I was sexually assaulted three times by my supervisor. In my post, "Hello, new member here" it says that "I've come to the final phase (renewal phase)" with my first (three) sexual assaults, and I have. So, I see no reason to discuss it. The second time I was sexually assaulted, I was in a psychiatric ward, on my 10th suicide attempt, by another patient, which also happened three times. I've come to the final phase with those sexual assaults, too. The third time I was sexually assaulted, was yet again, another three times which then lead to rape by my second job supervisor. When I began working, I ignored my supervisor outside of work like the plague due to what two other co-workers told me: he plays mind games and will try to sleep with you. Especially because one of those co-workers was a female he had tried pursing. Unfortunately, I played the game after avoiding him for two months, seeing if I could beat him at his own mind games, because of my background of psychology. Sadly, I didn't know I was dealing with a sociopath. At the time, he was in another relationship with a co-worker, who was also pregnant with his child, but I didn't know this until the time she gave birth. In December, after two months of not putting up with his mind games, I fell victim and I became a second woman. The biggest thing I am not proud of. He manipulated/sweet talked me for a couple months, before meeting my ex-fiancé. You know, the whole, "I have romantic feelings for you", "I'm going to leave her", "You're (insert compliment here)", etc. I even wiped his crocodile tears a few times. When I had met my ex-fiancé, I told him (my work supervisor/SA/rapist) that I couldn't see him anymore and that we could only have a work relationship, nothing more, and he said he was happy for me. For months I gushed about my ex-boyfriend, then turned ex-fiancé, and in return I think it made my work supervisor/SA/rapist infuriated because he couldn't have me to himself or my happiness, maybe. One night, my work supervisor's boss made me upset, and I had asked him (work supervisor/SA/rapist) if he was doing anything after work since we both were getting out at the same time. I asked to grab a drink, but since I was underage at the time, I couldn't buy. He did, though. Three 12 oz cans of beer. I slammed the first two while we sat by the river the leads out to the lake because I was so pissed off at his boss. We just sat there, talking about anything and everything. I watched him cry, and I wiped his tears. Finally my ex-fiancé called telling me what time he'd need to be picked up from work. My work supervisor/SA/rapist helped me up the stairs, and into his truck, where we talked a little bit more. It was time to leave after awhile, so I got out and got into the car I drove in. He came by when my door was opened, and knelled besides me. I told him I feel sick, and that I'll eventually get sick. He then kissed me, and I pushed him off of me. Next, he went towards kissing my neck, where I pushed him off again and told him to stop, that I'm engaged. He did. I told him to leave now so I can get sick, which he did and so did I. The next time was after work, too, which he insisted on buying alcohol, and I was okay with that, just that I would drink slower this time. By this time, Pokémon Go had came out, so we would walk the city with our alcohol in cups you could conceal them in. Almost nearing the end of my night, since I had to pick my ex-fiancé up from work, we went to this park near the lake. We walked around a bit, catching Pokémon. The sprinklers were on in the park, I thought it would be amusing to shove one another into the sprinklers and then get back to catching Pokémon, but that didn't happen. We had ended up wrestling. The grass was wet. He shoved his hands down my pants, as I told him to stop, and back up away from him, but the grass was too damn slippery and he was strong. He stopped after a while, and I scurried to my feet and over to his truck to grab my belongings. When I got there though, he turned me around and pushed me against the truck, slipping his hand down my pants again, demanding I orgasm. I faked the orgasm so he would get out of my pants and off of me sooner. I think he assumed I "needed help" because I had told that my ex-fiancé and I were having sex issues, and in return he talked about the types of issues he was having with his girlfriend, because I had hoped the first sexual assault was the last and we could become friends again and move along. The last time, I was home and he was home. He had asked to hang out, but I was hesitant. Before leaving home, we got into an argument through text message, which pissed me off, so I brought along the tools I use to self-harm with and baby wipes to clean myself up with. I headed out towards a secluded area near the lake in the city where we've been before. When I got there, I noticed Border Control. I didn't bother to bring my tools with me, so I went on a walk to the secluded area and decided to watch the sunset and listen to some La Dispute. It was nice. About halfway through I looked over, and who do I see coming my way? Him. I panicked, but couldn't go anywhere because the way I needed to go to go back to the car, was the same direction he was walking in. I laid there, staring at the sky. He came over, asking me if I was still mad at him. Of course I was. He tried cheering me up. Said he had already bought me alcohol and would let me drive his truck. I rolled my eyes in a, "yeah, let's see if you can cheer me up" kinda way. I was practically quiet or sarcastic to him the whole time, until I got alcohol in my system. We drove around the city for a while because the park where he first sexually assaulted had just finished having an event. By the time we got back to the park it was 11:00 PM, cleared out. Not a single person around. This time I took my bag with me. We walked down the stairs to get closer to the lake, to make our round of catching Pokémon, but halfway through, he grabbed me, forcing himself onto me, kissing me. I told him to stop, that this wasn't acceptable, I'm engaged, what we (technically him more than me) was over, but he pushed me on to the ground, dropping my bag out of my reach. He got on top of me and put himself inside my mouth, which is also when I also noticed he had a pocket knife on him. Not even a couple minutes afterwards, he unbuckled my belt, pulled my pants and panties down, flipped me over where I was on my knees, and inserted himself. I remember bits and pieces, like how much it hurt. My head was pushed into the ground and my nails dug into the dirt. Then my ponytail being grabbed, and him telling me to call him "daddy". Within a few minutes after that, he was finished. He looked into my bag, wiped myself and himself off, and threw the wipes into the bushes. It hurt so much to sit and stand, but I got up so quickly and starting walking fast to the car, feeling tears swell in my eyes and a panic attack coming on. We both reached our vehicles. He demanded a hug from me, so I complied and then left. I got in the car, and left him at the park. I cried and had a panic attack all the way to my ex-fiance's parent's house. No one was home. I rushed in, and jumped in the shower. I examined myself and I couldn't take the pain and how swollen I was. I didn't even wash off. I just stood there in the shower, crying. Eventually I worked myself up to get out of the shower, get dressed and go to my ex-fiancé's work. I didn't tell him right then and there because I was so ashamed. He didn't know until the next day, and he saw me still in pain and swollen. After that, it was the hospital, police, and the workplace... Right now, I am unemployed but interested in getting my GED out of the way so I can become a Phlebotomist and Phlebotomy Technician and then hopefully going through 11-12 long years of college and medical school to become a Medical Examiner. So, yeah, that's about my life right now. Thanks for taking the time to read.
  4. I feel like a fraud

    Sometimes I feel like I made the whole thing up. I think this is partly because I don't want to believe this happened to me and partly because no one believed me, or if they did they didn't seem to care. It wasn't a "violent" rape, it's as di*k head Robin Thick says a matter of "blurred lines." But now I know the lines were clear. I said no to multiple advances, to the point where my friends were telling him to leave me alone. All night he wanted me to drink more, and when I thought he was leaving me alone, he was really waiting for me to be drunk enough to not realize where I was. After writing my story in detail, I realized how real my experience is. It saddens me that so many beautiful girls, women, and men will be victims of rape and not even let themselves believe it. Believe there is a real reason why they feel violated, lost, empty, depressed. I wish I could tell them I believe them. Because despite what the media says, nearly all reported cases of sexual assault are real. So can we please begin supporting victims. Can we please tell them their feelings, their memories, and their lives are legitimate.
  5. Flashback

    After my first blog post where I sequentially and in detail wrote down what had happened to me, I had what I can recall as my first true flashback. I had never spoke the specific to the events to anyone before. For years I suffered with replaying my assault in my head, over and over. I always thought that these were "flashbacks," but I was wrong. That night after my first post, as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, I was there. With the lights off, I could see his pale skin reflecting the moon and feel him behind me, like I was waiting for him to touch me. I could even feel his breath on my neck. I was no longer in my room but the room where it happened. In the dark everything was rearranged to the set up of that night. But the worst part was that it didn't feel like I was remembering it, but that I was about to relive it, that it was about to happen again. I didn't even want to write this because of negative response my mind seemed to have by laying everything out, but today I am feeling dislocated again, and I am scared what is going to happen when I lay down tonight with the lights off. It has been years since my experience and I don't want it to feel fresh again. I guess I just don't know what to do when this happens. I asked my boyfriend to come over the last time so that I would have something/someone to make me remember where I am and that I am safe. I love him and he is the only man I am able to trust, but I went through a period where he was supporting me so much that I could feel it hurting him. I'm not afraid of him leaving me for this, but I want to know how I can feel strong and present on my own.
  6. It's complicated..

    **Detailed Story** It feels as though one moment changed my entire identity, stripping away any of my remaining naivety and innocence. But when that mystified encapsulation of fear, anxiety, and anger finally managed to dissipate, I was left with only the framework of who I use to be. I was replicating a girl who disappeared into womanhood without the chance to say goodbye. Inside, this woman is still filled with the fear, anxiety, and anger, but now the remaining cracks are filled with regret. I find myself asking "why did I go out that night?" "why did no one care?" "why didn't I do anything.." My story is complicated because there are no clear lines, but isn't that the thing about rape... I went to a party at a "good" friend's house. I went over early, along with another girl, to hang out before the party started. I wish I could remember more of what happened that night, but some of my later memories are lost due to the alcohol, and the earlier ones due to the passing time. Finally, the people began pouring in. I really liked everyone at the party, but there was one guy there who I had never met but had heard of. He had a reputation of sleeping around and partying all the time. He was not the type of guy I would ever want to hook up with, but hey lucky me, because that night i guess I was his target. Throughout the night he kept hitting on me and trying to always be near me or sitting next to me. I would just politely/ nervously laugh and then proceed to ignore him as he would make crude remarks about my body. After many awkward attempts of trying to get me to go upstairs with him, my friends told him to leave me alone, they knew him much better than I did. I didn't see him for an hour or so, so I continued to talk and drink with my friends. But again, he came up to me trying to get me to go upstairs, and when I would say no he would try to get me to drink me. We went upstairs, but instead of going into the kitchen where some people were drinking, he pulled me to the side and we started kissing. When I realized what I was doing I stopped immediately. He tried to coax me to stay but I said I couldn't because I just broke up with my boyfriend, which was true but wasn't the reason I didn't want to stay. I wish I hadn't been so nice. I went downstairs, where he continued to pursue me for the rest of the night. It was to the point where I was no longer trying to be polite. I should have felt that I was being hunted that night, but I thought I was with my friends and everything was chill. So I continued to drink, and we were eventually smoking too. I eventually found myself sitting alone on the floor up against the wall. I am not sure how long I was there before he sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I think he was talking to me, but I'm not sure I was even responding, I just needed to sit there for a minute. But then suddenly I found myself walking up the top flight of stairs towards the bedrooms. The next thing I can remember is being naked on the bed, being moved around like I was a doll. I still have a flashback of his pale skin glowing in the darkness, the only thing I remember seeing other than the pillow my face was shoved into and his penis when he was trying to get me to perform oral. The whole time this was happening, he kept telling me he wouldn't tell anyone if I didn't. For years, I took this because he was embarrassed or thought I would be, but I realize now that he knew what he was doing to me was wrong. But I didn't need to tell anyone, because my friend and his friend came looking for us. They knocked on the door, it took me a long time to finally be able to put my shirt on, but once I did I walked out of the room and straight down the stairs. He was hiding in the closet, but they knew he was there so he came out. I don't remember much after that, I just fell asleep on the sofa. He told everyone he had sex with me that week at school. People were coming up to me and asking about it, his friends were asking me if I had a good time with him. My friends seemed to feel bad that I was upset (barely speaking off and on for nearly a year) and that I was uncomfortable at just the mention of him, but they continued becoming even closer with him, along with more of my friends as he kept becoming more popular. Nobody really cared to believe that what happened to me was rape, I was just another girl at a party he had sex with. For a while, I believed this too. When I would finally let myself admit that I was raped, I would instantly deny it with, "I wasn't that drunk," "I could have said no that last time," "if it were rape someone would care." Now i am filled with regrets that I didn't speak up for myself, how blind I was to societies perception and constant sexualization of women, and that I wore my rape like a badge of shame for years, and still do at times to this day.
  7. Dear Perpetrator... *TW

    Dear Perpetrator: I have no clue of what you may be doing now that you are no longer in my life; however, I have no desire to know or honestly do I care. I do, however, want to express how you have personally impacted my life since the attack. Ultimately, I want to express gratitude. Yes, you heard me correctly. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. The night you so kindly took advantage of me as tears stung my eyes and I expressed cries of "no," I did not know that within due time, something would happen to me to get to the point I am now. See, perpetrator, I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Of course, you knew that because you took something so delicate.... Someone who would give the shirt off of her back to help others and would do anything in the world for someone that asked for her help... Someone who would put others' needs before her own without batting an eyelash... Someone who was involved so vastly in the community and offered a helping hand, regardless of her own personal problems or issues... You took someone like that, and you broke her. You allowed her world to fall apart around her, bringing her down to her knees. I never thought I would be sitting here now, thanking you for destroying a part of me that I will never have back until I understood the truth of the matter. Due to the fact my entire life has been catered around doing for others and making sure others' needs are accounted for instead of worrying about my own self, I realized that ultimately, I was the one that was to blame for such. I was weak.. I was weak because I allowed others to judge me and make me feel inferior. I allowed what others thought of me to dictate my life in every way. Now that I realized that my happiness is no longer altered by how others view me as a person, but rather my happiness comes from my own heart and those who bring out the best in me, I could never be more satisfied. I found that those that only cared for me in order to use me no longer were worth my time. I also learned that you were no longer worth my time either. Actually, you were never worth my friendship. I have found my strength in times of sorrow... Whether it be waking up in the middle of the night and sweating due to terrible nightmares and flashbacks of the situation, or whether it be getting out of bed when I felt as though my world was ending, I found strength in the hopeless times. For you see, Perp, I forgive you. I forgive you, so now I can move on with my life and enjoy the simple blessings that are so graciously provided. I forgive you, so now I can inspire others that may go through a similar situation or warn them about my situation ahead of time. I forgive you because I have found my strength in my weakness. In the past, I had blamed myself for the situation that happened you had caused. I am grateful that my eyes have now been opened, and I owe you all of the credit, for this was 110% your fault, which is why I am writing to you now. You should understand that you are so sick for wanting to ruin my life, which is why I forgive you because I refuse to let you ruin it. I also refuse to sit back and let you do this to someone else. Now that I know my story will inspire others, I hope it will inspire you as well. You need to understand, Perp, that when a girl says "no," she means NO. When a girl cries, that means she is unresponsive to your forcefulness, so stop. As I said, Perp, I do not know where you are right now in life nor do I care to know. You are blocked on all forms of my social media, and you will stay that way... Nor shall I ever call you by your real name, for you are far undeserving of anything but the name, Perpetrator. Be thankful I call you Perp sometimes for short. At least that nickname isn't AS bad. You have shown me what it feels like to be so broken, but you have also shown me what it's like to have strength because I found I did not have any other choice. I refuse to allow your thoughts to demean me anymore or make me feel undeserving, for I AM deserving, and you are not. Not in the least bit. Wherever you are right now, perpetrator, I want to let you know that you will always feel guilt for what you did to me. It will eat at you each day for the rest of your life as it should. However, I am moving on due to the fact I have forgiven you. You are no longer worth my time or energy because you are not worth it.... And I, on the other hand, have found strength in my weakness, hope for the helpless, and a faith far bigger than anything I have ever imagined. Sincerely, Marilyn
  8. Hello All

    Hello everyone I'm just going to go by my user name I am joining this to have more people to talk to. my Rape crisis counselor suggested i join something like this.
  9. Ready To Connect

    Hi everyone. Just joined this forum as an attempt to make honest connections and share my past. I am looking to give and receive support and hopefully to start healing. Happy to be here.
  10. I'm Afraid To Lose Weight

    In the last year or so I've gained quite a bit of weight. I now have stretch marks all over because of how quickly I gained it. I didn't try to gain it it just kind of happened because I went off my medication for a while because I kept not getting to the doctor. I was afraid of the fact that I didn't have insurance. I used to look in the mirror and love myself but now I look in the mirror and I see something completely unattractive. I didn't wear shorter shorts this summer, I didn't wear my favorite sun dresses, I couldn't afford to buy all the cute new clothes I would have loved to be able to wear. I am beautiful, but I don't feel that I can be sexual. My weight feels like too much of a burden. But even with all that insecurity I feel wonderful. I don't feel as scared anymore. I'm aware that victims come in all shapes and sizes, but I just feel less like an option for predators and I have less propositions in general. It makes me feel safer. I want to be healthy, but I'm afraid to lose weight. I'm afraid of adding some other guy to the list of people that wouldn't listen when I said "No" or set a boundary.
  11. Statement Of A Butterfly

    We are all born into this world as loving, trusting, pure beings. We possess a genetic and a soul connection to all of our ancestors. We are the culmination of everything that we have ever been as well as all that we can and will ever be. Upon this earthly playground we live, love and have experiences both public and private. We are molded by our unique genome as well as our environmental influences thereafter. We experience ecstasy as well as pain, joy and sadness, heaven and hell. So when it is time for us to die, what then did we gather from all of this life? For those of us who are agnostic or atheist; the question is... "What legacy have we left"? For those of us who are spiritual or religious; the question is..."What contribution have we made to the greater good and what rewards or challenges shall we face in the hereafter?". None of us get a free ride. There is a natural give and take that we all share in this life. Some of us believe in a higher justice and some of us question if there is such a thing. When we are in the midst of our sufferings, faith can be hard to muster. Maybe we think we deserve punishment. There are still others that live with an attitude of entitlement. As if all other beings and nature have evolved only to serve as an instrument of personal satisfaction. Presented to us just for our personal exploitation. Family, friends, life, death- does any of it matter? Is there a God? If so; why do we suffer so much? Perhaps we are all organic miniature libraries circling the infinite main library of the creator. Micro representations of the cosmic macrocosm. If we accept this hypothesis, then what we do and think at all times is recorded and rewritten many times within ourselves and beyond. This IS the model that I subscribe to personally. We all fall, we all make mistakes and we all can get up again and heal wrongs of the past. We have a responsibility to all creation to makes things better and not take more than our share. At this point I am going to divulge some personal information that some may find shocking. This announcement is in the spirit of healing for all those whom have had any similar experiences and need a platform for their voices. My father Lester raped me when I was approximately 12 years old. When he performed this heinous act against me he stole my feminine power and my life in one fell swoop. My life would have gone much differently if this tragedy had not occurred. In the 44 or so years that followed I have done much work on myself and have triumphed as a survivor. My father went on to have his 15 minutes of fame and has been able to live a fulfilling and exciting life. He has played a leading role in saving the peregrine falcon from extinction and blazed the trail for others to continue this important work. His personal contribution to the higher good of the planet is an unquestioned fact. He is a charismatic, handsome and successful character in that particular play. He got away with his crime against me without any visible downside in the public eye. I went on to struggle with lingering PTSD for the following 44 years. In that time I have done much healing work on myself as well as many others along the way. This public announcement is intended to reach any other "targets" out there whom Lester or any other perpetrator may have damaged. If you or someone you know had any alone time with my father as a minor please contact me! Together we can close this chapter of abuse and educate others as to methods in prevention of this kind of sexual crime. This sociopathic behavior can only be prevented if we bring this problem to light for all to see. Most of us survivors are terrorized by the idea of exposing these dark offenses. We most often are ruled by shame and fear that paralyzes us from taking any important bold action. My silence very well may have left other innocent young people unprotected and then later preyed upon by this man. The statistics vary greatly, but generally show that approximately 1/5-1/4 of us have fallen prey to sexual abuse by the age of 18. Most experts agree that all child sex criminals are serial offenders. Most of these predators are people who are close friends or family of these young people. The targets are from all walks of life, all races and can be of either gender. These perpetrators most often "groom" their young prey by establishing special relationships with the children. They make the children feel extra special and usually progress to the inappropriate behaviors with these minors almost in plain sight. In other words the perpetrator is usually trusted by the child's family and therefore allowed to have private time with the minor. The only way for us to protect our children from these kinds of crimes is to educate all of the young and adult public. We have to change laws that are protecting the perpetrators. We must also provide better social services and effective counseling to the families involved. Now that I have spoken my anguish publicly, I may live the rest of my life fully. I will die knowing that I have done everything in my power to contact any other people who have experienced this indignity. Bless you all! The professionals say that according to statistics, I am not the only one. I have not found the other survivors yet. Anyone with any information related to this case or any other similar cases are encouraged to contact me! You might not even realize that you were victimized by this man. You may have warm and fuzzy memories of him because you thought that you were special to him. Please take the time to reconsider what the actual nature of that relationship was. As a united front, we can heal together and end this kind of abuse. Are you brave enough to be a part of the solution? If so, let’s talk. :-) My father's name at that time was Lester He preferred to be called “Les”.
  12. RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Online Hotline Now Available in Spanish https://rainn.org/news-room/spanish-online-hotline-pr-english?utm_source=SPECIAL%3A+Bilingual+Services+Launch+&utm_campaign=SPECIAL%3A+Bilingual+Services+Launch&utm_medium=email Para leer en español, haga clic aquí https://rainn.org/news-room/spanish-online-hotline-pr-espanol I received this Email from RAINN today, and wanted to share it with the AS Members Dear I wanted you to be among the first to know that RAINN is launching a big expansion ofits services. The National Sexual Assault Hotline will now be bilingual, able to assist the 37.6 million people in America who speak Spanish as their primary language. The new destination for sexual assault support in Spanish israinn.org/es. https://ohl.rainn.org/es/ At rainn.org/es, survivors and their loved ones can receive confidential help and support from professional, trained staff. Read more about the new services in today's Washington Post, and watch an interview with a survivor on Univision's Despierta América.
  13. Telling Somebody

    I told my best friend about what happened to me. It was hard, and at first I am not completely sure if she believed me or not. But after the words came out of my mouth, "I was raped by my brother," she at first was shocked. Then she hugged me, and told me that it would be okay. I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and it feels good. I urge anyone who is in the same position as me, or knows somebody who is. Tell somebody, even if it is a friend. It will help, I promise. I feel like I am one step closer to becoming myself again, like I can carry the weight of what happened and not let it affect me anymore. Much love xx
  14. Hi

    Hello, I'm Sarah I'm from new Hampshire. Just over a year ago, I was sexually assaulted by my best friends older brother, I would talk to him while I was at my friends like normal human beings until one night everything changed. I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have opened up and told my story but no one believed me and people still don't believe me I guess I'm just looking for some understanding and maybe for someone to help me find a reason why
  15. I Have No Idea What Say?

    Hi im new to this site and dont know what to do or say? I guess I can just put why im here. I was abused by the man who was supposed to protect me for harm not the one to cause it. My father if I can call him that. My uncle sexual abused me from the age of 4 to 9 I never told my father as I was told he wouldn't believe me and I would get a beating for lying I believed it as I got beat for less. I never really got over my childhood and it showed into my teen years when I was 15 I sexual assaulted would of been rape if a woman hadn't heard me scream.I was told that talking to other victims may help me so I thought id give it a try.
  16. Foreign Student

    Hi there, I am one of those quite foreign student or exchange student that you often see at school but no one really talks to. the isolation and language barrier especially put me in extremely dangerous and vulnerable place in the country where I had been subject to abuse of various kind and rape by older married men with established reputation in the community. I am going to share my life story in entirety but I also feel this place would be especially suitable place to be able to connect with other survivor of similar interest and story. I don't know if there should be law where foreign students should receive and be able to benefit from legal protection in other countries but my attempt at seeking Justice has failed me greatly. I guess the people at governmental agencies have decided to work with the rapists to protect their reputation and crime instead of helping the victims. and mind you, I am not only talking about countries like United States or other neighboring nations but other equally or more corrupt countries like Korea as well. We have had many women in various sects of society committing suicides and dying due to these rape crimes. I want those stories to be also acknowledged by the international community as well. Because I am a believer that if a victim is assaulted by dozens of men, I believe they all should be sentenced and pay for the crimes they had committed, instead of trying to remedy the circumstances with money and other stuff. it just seems unfair to me. I am not going to share the details of crimes on this introductory page as I will save it for future occasions. but I am mainly interested in connecting with people who feel that women should be free from sexual violence of any kind no matter where they were born or from. So I would like to welcome support from people on here who feel and can understand feeling very violated and misunderstood and ignored as a person of different background. and I also would like people to acknowledge the presence of foreign sex slaves as well, the ones who don't have much leverage in legal protection from the country nor can they articulate much thoughts in the language and how they have been brainwashed, chemically induced and controlled to be subservient to fulfilling man's sexual needs. I am talking about the mind-controlled sex slaves who are currently sexually exploited not out of their genuine desire but due to manipulation and systematic control. and the rape and sex crime they go through and experience are exactly the same kind of pain that other survivors on here can identify with.
  17. Surviving Victimization

    We've struggled and said "no" Made our boundaries crystal clear We've given in submissively To alleviate without consent our fear We no longer know who we are Our identities have gone astray We struggle with our memories Willfully wishing them away A sudden touch can trigger us We never forget the violations We're startled by sudden sounds Sometimes into dissociation We're not sure how to trust We generally feel insecure We're always second-guessing Of our own decisions we're unsure We battle with self-blame and guilt Though it isn't ours to assume We try to get on with normal lives By our flashbacks we're entombed It's hard to reach out for any support We often end up feeling invalidated When we finally open up to someone And they think our stories are fabricated The support we seek often not found We develop coping methods in secret Self harm; drugs; alcohol; eating disorders Attempts to control, attempts to forget Some of us reported our experiences Forced to relive them in the process Which may or may not bring justice Helping or hindering emotional progress Those of us who chose not to report We're scared or we don't see a reason We have no proof, we've been threatened The thought provokes emotional depletion We feel like a burden to loved ones A frustrating annoyance to savvy friends To forgive or resent our attackers, ourselves? A straightforward answer this question transcends We are our own worst critics So there is no need for yours Our own minds abuse themselves We fight our own inner wars Rape is hardly the way non-victims imagine It's not as simple as black and white There is a freeze response unknown In addition to the responses "Fight or Flight" There isn't always a way to get out Sometimes there's really no escape Fighting can be quite pointless And only exacerbate the rape Despite popular belief we're not stupid The way we dress has no actual effect Conclusions society comes to of us Not only insulting - but routinely incorrect Some of us were babies, innocent children When we were victimized by those liable Many of us were simply caught off-guard Finding ourselves in situations unjustifiable We had no reason to believe at the time That we shouldn't get off that bus, that train How were we supposed to see in advance That we shouldn't trust James, Jo, or Jane? It isn't fair that we're the ones judged While those who hurt us rarely feel remorse We're victimized, violated and then blamed For the vulnerable part of us taken by force.
×