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  1. “I love you,” you said to me that night, You love me, I told myself when I woke in the morning. You seem certain about this. It seems there isn’t much you know though. You don’t know that I scrubbed my skin until it turned red and broke I felt unpure. Don’t know I couldn’t sleep, I still can’t. One eye open because I am scared. Things you do know terrify me. You know where I stay, where I sleep. You know I have a beauty mark under my left breast. I shouldn’t have to worry about you knowing too much. That isn’t love. So
  2. I just happened to glance at my phone as the text flashed across my screen. "NEVER let anyone walk to their car alone. Sarah* was almost grabbed last night by a man in a ski mask. She got away but he exposed himself to her." I sputtered. The girl on the other side of the Zoom call was waiting for me to speak, but whatever we had been discussing faded away like fog being burned by the sun. After the call was finished, I re-read the text. My heart dropped. My hands felt clammy. I started to shake. I called my best friend, the person we'd been celebrating. I sent her th
  3. I woke up this morning with the usual nest of 'bed head' hair plastered across a slightly puffy, 'pillow wrinkle' marked face that hasn't worn make-up for 10 months and had a revelation of sorts - and it relates to the fact that I couldn't give a flying shite that I continue to look like a bit of a mess throughout the day. What others see on the outside has never been a priority to me (or my husband...thankfully), and I certainly don't judge a book by its cover, but comments can hurt, cause/feed damage and be triggering when deep-seated, complex issues are involved. Those dreaded co
  4. Sexual Assault & Orgasm During an assault, a Sexual Assault Survivor (SAS) may feel overwhelmed with feelings such as exposure, terror, helplessness, worthlessness, and isolation – yet amidst all this annihilating havoc, experience a degree of sexual arousal. This leaves many wondering: why does this happen and how does it effect a SAS's experience of sexual pleasure going forward? Each of us oscillate between “approach” and “avoidance” coping strategies in our quests to reconcile our experiences. Among SAS, this can
  5. I'm a psychology student, but until this summer I didn't know about repressed memories. I was a sophomore in college. It was the height of the COVID-19 pandemic - or at least, I hoped it was. I had been exposed and I was living in a house for two weeks with my other friends who were exposed. I was living an hour away from home - and I had never moved out before. I had to get a COVID test before I could go home to my parents and my animals. My cousin was driving me, because my anxiety was through the roof that day. I had heard that some patients who were tested got migraines afte
  6. Hello, new here. I was sexually abused as a child and was in a couple of unhealthy sexual relationships during adolescence/early 20s. I was recently sexually assaulted - I think? It was a case of ambiguous consent, but it didn't feel very good at all. I felt very numb immediately afterwards, then ashamed/disgusted/sick. I've been having some flashbacks and struggling to process all my thoughts/emotions. I told some friends and family about it, but they don't seem to understand how it made me feel and I'm not very good at explaining. They laughed about it and told me to move on (not maliciously
  7. Hi everyone! I hope everyone is doing well in this strange time in history (pandemic and national BLM uprising!) I am new to After Silence. I am also new to the healing process. I am not sure how to go about this, but from what I have seen, AS is a great community where I will hopefully find support among fellow survivors. I am a college student studying history. I love to read and write, especially about politics. I hope that I can incorporate writing and reading into my healing process (I've heard that Body Keeps the Score is a good book. Any thoughts on this?) Anyways, I am here i
  8. zayexi

    Limits

    At 1:09 am, I texted my best friend. “Are you awake, by any chance?” He wasn’t, but if he had been, I’d already imagined the conversation we would have. I would tell him, “S*** just groped me while he thought I was sleeping. It kind of weirded me out.” He would reply, “OMG, straight men are so creepy!” And we would laugh about it a little, and then I’d go back to sleep. The imagined conversation was at odds with how I was actually feeling: panicked, disoriented, aware that it had been an hour since he’d done that and that my pulse was still racing. But these f
  9. I've never tried to run a blog before, so I hope that the messiness of this blog won't deter you from reading what I have to say. I want to start this blog by saying that I think that sexual assault or R (or anything that could fall in this category) is NEVER the victims fault. Never ever ever. But at the same time I still feel that this doesn't apply to me. What happened to me has changed who I am as a person and how I think about the world and the people in it. It has made me a much more cautious person and a much more clingy person. I will never say what happened changed me for the bet
  10. Hi everyone. I was nearly assaulted over 3 years ago by someone I thought was a friend. I have "dealt" with it as best as I thought I could without reaching out for help. My two most precious people in the world, my husband and my mom, have been enormously supportive. But, I feel like talking to other survivors will help me and hopefully I can be helpful or at least provide an ear/pair of eyes to them as well. I have grappled with what I now see is very common in survivors, especially questioning if I was actually assaulted, guilt and self-blame (this one has been extremely tough), shame
  11. Hey, all! Hoping this finds everyone in good health...mental and otherwise! As for me, I'm still...well...me. I dare not say for sure that I'm in good mental health because that, as always, remains a matter of opinion. So...spring has finally sprung where I live...where there were gnarled, menacing tree branches, there are now lovely cherry blossom trees in bloom, colorful leaves growing, grass and flowers sprouting. Rising temperatures are also lifting my spirits - although we've had more than enough rain, it's still nice to be free of the arctic nightmare that was this past winter
  12. Hi there. I know I've only been here 57 days, and there hasn't been many posts, mainly due to my life off of the internet, but I would like to change that. So, I thought I would start off by introducing myself and explaining my first post, just in case anyone was confused. Anyway... Hello, again. My name is Nikita, but my nicknames are Niki or Pepper. I was born on July 27th, 1995 in New York. I am currently 21 years old, and I reside with my parents. I've been mentally ill since I was five years old. I've been diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia and I'v
  13. Sometimes I feel like I made the whole thing up. I think this is partly because I don't want to believe this happened to me and partly because no one believed me, or if they did they didn't seem to care. It wasn't a "violent" rape, it's as di*k head Robin Thick says a matter of "blurred lines." But now I know the lines were clear. I said no to multiple advances, to the point where my friends were telling him to leave me alone. All night he wanted me to drink more, and when I thought he was leaving me alone, he was really waiting for me to be drunk enough to not realize where I was.
  14. Dear Perpetrator: I have no clue of what you may be doing now that you are no longer in my life; however, I have no desire to know or honestly do I care. I do, however, want to express how you have personally impacted my life since the attack. Ultimately, I want to express gratitude. Yes, you heard me correctly. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. The night you so kindly took advantage of me as tears stung my eyes and I expressed cries of "no," I did not know that within due time, something would happen to me to get to the point I am now. See, pe
  15. MyselfAndI

    Flashback

    After my first blog post where I sequentially and in detail wrote down what had happened to me, I had what I can recall as my first true flashback. I had never spoke the specific to the events to anyone before. For years I suffered with replaying my assault in my head, over and over. I always thought that these were "flashbacks," but I was wrong. That night after my first post, as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, I was there. With the lights off, I could see his pale skin reflecting the moon and feel him behind me, like I was waiting for him to touch me. I could even feel his breath
  16. **Detailed Story** It feels as though one moment changed my entire identity, stripping away any of my remaining naivety and innocence. But when that mystified encapsulation of fear, anxiety, and anger finally managed to dissipate, I was left with only the framework of who I use to be. I was replicating a girl who disappeared into womanhood without the chance to say goodbye. Inside, this woman is still filled with the fear, anxiety, and anger, but now the remaining cracks are filled with regret. I find myself asking "why did I go out that night?" "why did no one care?" "why didn't
  17. Hello everyone I'm just going to go by my user name I am joining this to have more people to talk to. my Rape crisis counselor suggested i join something like this.
  18. Hi everyone. Just joined this forum as an attempt to make honest connections and share my past. I am looking to give and receive support and hopefully to start healing. Happy to be here.
  19. In the last year or so I've gained quite a bit of weight. I now have stretch marks all over because of how quickly I gained it. I didn't try to gain it it just kind of happened because I went off my medication for a while because I kept not getting to the doctor. I was afraid of the fact that I didn't have insurance. I used to look in the mirror and love myself but now I look in the mirror and I see something completely unattractive. I didn't wear shorter shorts this summer, I didn't wear my favorite sun dresses, I couldn't afford to buy all the cute new clothes I would have loved to be able t
  20. We are all born into this world as loving, trusting, pure beings. We possess a genetic and a soul connection to all of our ancestors. We are the culmination of everything that we have ever been as well as all that we can and will ever be. Upon this earthly playground we live, love and have experiences both public and private. We are molded by our unique genome as well as our environmental influences thereafter. We experience ecstasy as well as pain, joy and sadness, heaven and hell. So when it is time for us to die, what then did we gather from all of this life? For those of us who are agnost
  21. RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Online Hotline Now Available in Spanish https://rainn.org/news-room/spanish-online-hotline-pr-english?utm_source=SPECIAL%3A+Bilingual+Services+Launch+&utm_campaign=SPECIAL%3A+Bilingual+Services+Launch&utm_medium=email Para leer en español, haga clic aquí https://rainn.org/news-room/spanish-online-hotline-pr-espanol I received this Email from RAINN today, and wanted to share it with the AS Members Dear I wanted you to be among the first to know that RAINN is launching a big expansion ofits services. The National Sexual Assault Hotline will now be bilingu
  22. I told my best friend about what happened to me. It was hard, and at first I am not completely sure if she believed me or not. But after the words came out of my mouth, "I was raped by my brother," she at first was shocked. Then she hugged me, and told me that it would be okay. I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and it feels good. I urge anyone who is in the same position as me, or knows somebody who is. Tell somebody, even if it is a friend. It will help, I promise. I feel like I am one step closer to becoming myself again, like I can carry the weight of what happened a
  23. sarahh2396

    Hi

    Hello, I'm Sarah I'm from new Hampshire. Just over a year ago, I was sexually assaulted by my best friends older brother, I would talk to him while I was at my friends like normal human beings until one night everything changed. I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have opened up and told my story but no one believed me and people still don't believe me I guess I'm just looking for some understanding and maybe for someone to help me find a reason why
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