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Found 16 results

  1. I wanted to join the RAF...

    I was 14 years old and studying for my GCSEs the day that the diseased turd was brought into my class room. I have since been told that it was brought to my school with the sole purpose of raping my face. It was the local social services, they had set me up. I don't for what reason or under what law they were able to do such things. It really doesn't make any sense to me. I had wanted to join the RAF since the age of 6, I was my long term goal. It's what I had dreamed of doing, its what I studied for. I didn't have a plan 'B' I didn't however have an interest in David Spring's cartoon's or indeed a interest in 'sucking it's di*k'. I am not a homosexual. I can't imagine anyone wanted to go near David Spring. I didn't have an 'interest' in Art. I didn't need to pay for Jamie Conway's cigarette habit. I didn't want to go to Jamie Conway's alcohol birthday party. I didn't want to 'do' LSD. David Spring is beyond ugly and foul and gross and sick and mentally ill and psychically disgusted. I can't quite imagine how a social worker could legally dream up such a thing?? Still my Policeman father 'paid' David Spring to repeatedly orally rape me. Apparently it was done for my sister. What 'mental illness' she suffers from, I can't quite fathom. Being a 'teenager' is hard enough without being raped by the diseased turd. Jamie Conway cost me my GCSE's. Emma Gibson (or whatever the fuck her name is?) cost me my place in the ATC and my career in the RAF. Claire Guy cost me my health and my wife and children...
  2. October 29th 1996...

    I could have gone home a started my long recovery in early October 1996. I could have got well again. I would have only been 20 years old. I had my entire life ahead of me. I would have been in joyous recovery after 18 months of mental torment and not being able to breath. I was fighting for breath 24/7 for 18 months. Peter O'Brian CPN and who ever his team were, set me up at Derriford Hospital on the 28th October 1996 for 24 hour sleep deprived electroencephalogram. It's now 2017 and I have yet to recover... I don't know how a mental health team could be so irresponsible to put someone like me with my condition in such danger?? Unless they did it on purpose to make me ill?? It was Detective Sergeant Stephen Blair and his foul toilet dweller and its Cauliflower cheese that did it. I don't know if they had it planned out in advance or it was a spur of the moment thing but it cost me my natural born life. I was almost out the door and on my way home to recovery when... it really isn't fair. I could have recovered. It wasn't until 1998 that I was given a second electroencephalogram that I started to recover only to be taken to the Buggerist house in Plymouth for Julie Burgoyne to trigger me again with 'Stephen, what haven't you been eating?' and it started again. I was ill. I could have been home and dry on the 16th December 1998 when we moved into our new home in Paignton, if it wasn't for Claire G asking me what my room was like which triggered me again. I was ill again. This time it has taken 19 years and counting and I'm still ill. It could have been a fresh start in a new home in a new town. I could have been in recovery, I would have been 23 years old. Instead because of Claire G bi-polar brain and big mouth I have wasted most of my life trying to fight off Claire G. A complete waste of time and energy. I saw when the pain shot across my forehead when I was made to say 'It's like a room' that I would have to put Claire G in prison for sexual abuse for me to be in recovery. My whole life has been on hold for 19 years while I try and figure out how to sort my brain out because Claire G can't keep itself to itself... Claire G offered to make me a millionaire when I was 18 if I kept quiet about the sexual abuse she had subjected me to when I was 16...
  3. Female perpetrator...

    Really angry and upset as I right this. I have had to recently call the Police out due to abusive neighbours and verbally abusive social workers. The Police don't seem to have yet to have solved the problem, I will have to call the Police again. We moved to a new address back in December 1998, it was the day before my 23rd birthday that we moved in. I thought it would be a fresh start, a chance to start again and move on from past abuse. I have since found out that my mother had been asked by the family of the female perpetrator that abused me for my mother to move my family out of my home town when I had been put into a mental hospital and had no reaction to medication and it was found out that I had infact been abused by the female perpetrator and they had been lying to try and cover the sexual abuse up. So, it hadn't been a fresh start it had been blackmail. Why would my mother agree to move out of the town just because the Guy family didn't want to be embarrassed?, it just doesn't male any sense why wouldn't my mother stand up to them and tell them No! if you want someone to move, you move out. I'm really angry. My mother had been blackmailed by the Guy family to make us move out of town so that Claire didn't lose face. To make matters worse, the day after we moved into the new house, the day of my 23rd birthday I was supposed to be going shopping to a nearby town with my sister and one of her friends. Only for my Father to receive a phone call in the morning to say that, and I quote 'Claire is 'cuming' is that a problem'?. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't realise that my own father had been involved in the sexual abuse I had been subjected too. I wanted to say, 'Yes, that is very much a problem' 'I don't want Claire anywhere near me or my home'. I wanted to scream my head off. There was something in my fathers voice that threatened me into replying. I few weeks previously I had typed out what Claire had said to me whilst an before she was sexually abusing me and sent it to her last known address, her mothers house. I now think that I was made to this so that they could entrap me. My sister, Selina and Claire arrived at the house. I hadn't even unpacked. I don't know why I just didn't spend the day unpacking and help to move into the new house. Why would I want to go shopping with Selina and my sister anyway? There was loads to do around the house why didn't I just stay home. It would have saved me a life-time of stress. We went out to the car, my sister demanded whilst laughing and giggling that I 'sit in the front'. I am sure my sister has a mental health condition. Claire made a demented 'Mooing' sound then said 'What's your room like?'. It wasn't said in conversation, I wouldn't want to speak to someone who had sexually abused me anyway. She said it with sarcasm in reply to the letter that I was made to send to her mothers house. Claire insinuated that I really had infact wanted to try and perform oral sex on her and hadn't been put up to it by my sister. I felt really ill and dirty... I wanted to get out of the car... I knew what would happen to my brain if I answered and that it would last for many years to come. Infact so far it has been 19 years of pain and mental torture. I said reluctantly, 'it's like a room' and then the pain shot through the left hand side of my brain just like it had walking out of the Ben Peppers bedroom after they made me do LSD all those years ago. Then the panic started to set in... and the anxiety and depression.. We got to the town and Claire just wandered off without saying a word. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I could have been safe at home unpacking my stuff. Claire didn't stay to do any shopping... it had been a set up. I now know that in order for the pain, anxiety etc to stop and for my brain to 'flick out' again I would have the monumentally task of putting Claire in prison for sexual abuse. It has been 24/7 for the past 19 years and still, I have yet to convince the Police of the sexual abuse that I had been subjected too. It turns out that the set up the day we moved to the new place had been part of a child pornography scam that Claire had dreamed up in order to try and put me in prison so that Claire and my sister wouldn't had to go to prison. In 1999 and 2000, my sister and Claire and her social worker friends had infact been behind my bedroom wall in the flat next door screaming their heads off at me threatening to force paracetamol down my throat if I didn't do as they said and download child pornography to a laptop that they had made me purchase in order to put me in prison. It is now 2017 and the social workers are still behind my bedroom wall. To make matters worse members of the Guy family have moved into the house next door to me. For what reason I have yet to fathom. Claire G was not welcome at my home and she knew it, she had to get my father to threaten me in order to come to my home to verbally abuse me because it was 'getting high'. Claire G was feigning distress and head butting the air and making involuntary hand movements and making noises at me. I was forced to answer but I didn't want to I just wanted to get out of the car. Claire G is a pest. 19 years ago I could have spent the day unpacking in my new home. It would have saved me distress and mental torment the likes of which you have yet to imagine. I could have been happy at home and been out working, instead of being knocked about by Claire G, her abusive sister, my sister and the social services. What a waste!! Claire G needs to be put in prison. Claire G's child pornography scam doesn't prove anything other than Claire G is a paedophile. I need to call the Police about the social workers screaming at me through the walls of my home. There is no need for it, it just aggravates my nervous system. Claire G is so mentally diseased I can't stand to think about it. I was actually forced between its legs by my father and made to grin and bear it for 8 months against my will. If I ask for Claire's current surname or address I get threatened by the Police with arrest. How backwards is that?? Claire G forced her tongue into my mouth on Brixham harbour and I get my mouth swabbed by the Police, my DNA goes on record and I get a caution for harassment?? What kind of a sick joke is that?? I don't like Melanie Graham, she aggravates my nervous system. Claire G 'arranged' a revenge rape in my bedroom by David S and I'm the paedophile?? What planet do these people live on?? The Guy family are now trying to fit me up for a spell in prison before trying to use me a some kind of prostitute whilst living on the streets. They do it by hanging around my home and screaming through my walls and verbally abusing me. They are so sick in the head that they think its funny. They actually use their jobs as social workers in order to carry out their crimes, and as of yet no one has raised the alarm. They have been hanging around my home for 19 years verbally abusing me. Why hasn't someone stepped in to stop them??? I don't understand the mentality of these people. The morning of the set up in Selina M's car, someone stole my wallet out of my bedroom. Where they using it to blackmail me into answering Claire G's verbal abuse? Why would I waste time shopping in Torquay on the day of my 23rd birthday with someone who has arranged for me to be raped in the past? When I could have ben at home unpacking my things into my new home? Was Melanie G jealous that I might have a new home and she didn't. She lived in New Zealand, it was nothing to do with her. Claire G has ruined my home life and my brain and wasted 19 years of my life. She has cost me my mental and physical health, my career, my family, any children I might of had. Just so she could have a cheap 'dig' at me because it was getting high. To make matters worse, to get it self over the fact that I turned around in Selina's car to point out that 'I am not going to answer that' Claire G made me through out of my things. The entire contents of my bedroom and home, the very things I could have been unpacking the day I moved in. It did it by screaming though my walls at me. I didn't even know they were there. A counsellor said that I had been brain washed. I want my bedroom back. I want to be 23 again, its not fair. I've been cheated.
  4. Wish I was healthy...

    I really wish my sister could have left me alone when I was 10 years old and not have made me wear hair gel to school to humiliate me. It has really damaged my hair and my mental health, there really was no need for it. Both my father and sister ganged up on me and forced the hair gel onto my head. It was really upsetting. Apparently someone at Primary school in the 4th year said that I had nice hair. I don't know what psychiatric condition my sister has but she went mental and found it necessary to smother my head in hair gel o ruin my hair. I was only 10 years old, I couldn't defend myself against both of them. I looked ridiculous, people laughed at me, it was horrid!!. My sister had it all planned out, every step of the way! She's a psychopath, its really frightening what she has subjected me to over the years!! It wasn't until the 3rd year of Secondary school that I was introduced to The Stone Roses on a Brittany Ferries ferry on the way to France, that I stopped using hair gel and started to grow my hair back that I realised how much damage the hair gel had caused to my hair. That was when the Diseased Turd Rapist was brought into Brixham Community College by the maths teacher Stella Boundy in order to rape me and stop me from joining the Royal Air Force. (It's only now at the age of 41 that I begin to realise how much damage my father has done to me since the age of 18) The Doctor says that I am mentally unwell because the diseased turd raped me. I have lost count o the amount of times that the diseased turd (David Spring) has raped me between the ages of 15 and 17. Being buggered by Gary Burgoyne at the age if 14 didn't help my mental health. Being made to 'get my own back' aged 15 by buggering Gary Burgoyne made things all the worse. Which is what stole my sex life. I haven't been able to get an erection since that night in December 1990 at the Burgoyne's house when my parents came home as I was buggering Gary Burgoyne. I know, my bad, I'm not even a homosexual. I don't fancy males, nor would I want to have sex with one. I was just so bloody angry about being repeatedly buggered when I was 14. I was under age. I'm not a homosexual as I say, I didn't want to be buggered. It's really upsetting and distressing. It took my sex life away. Apparently I have to tell a girl/women what happened to my penis to get my erection back, or so I am told. How on earth do you tell and girl you got caught by your own father buggering another boy up the arse when you were 15 years old?? I'm not even a homosexual. Nor would I want to buggera boy up the arse. I only fancy women. I became really ill in the summer of 1990, when I was 14 years old. I wanted to buy a baseball bat from that 'trendy' sports shop in Paignton to batter the diseased turd to stop it from raping me. I became really angry. I didn't know that I was being set up by the school to be raped. Apparently my sister had it all planned out to stop me from getting married and having children. She must be mentally ill or something. I need to get a solicitor and set a Law Degree to figure out how to sue the school for rape. They set me up with Jamie Conway how has bi-polar disorder on September 2nd 1987 as well to stop me from doing my GCSE's which I need to sue the school for. I needed my GCSE's to join the RAF. As I say Melanie Graham had it all planned out and as far as I know she has the rest of my life planned out for me as well. I don't have a life of my own. I have to do whatever my Father and Sister tell me to do. It's grossly unfair, in England we live in a democracy, there are Laws and Free will and Freedom of speech. I need to bring the Law down on Melanie Graham to stop her form what she is doing. She is mentally ill and needs to be stopped. I want a life of my own, not something she has dreamt up in her sick brain. Apparently my sister set me up aged 30, to live next door to a dirty gross foul sick old homosexual known to both Claire Guy and my sister in order to make me physically unwell and to stop me from having children. I am now 41 and I have yet still to come to terms with what I was subjected to in that flat living next door to John Barker for 4 years. I came within a knats whisker of saying to the Police there is a dirty old man in my bedroom please could you help me. Which I m told would send Trevor & Claire Guy to prison for 10 years a piece for their Child Pornography Scam. I was on the phone to the Police, I am hoping they still have recordings of my conversations with the Police call centre to try and fathom out how John Barker stopped me from reporting him to the Police. Apparently he was making death threats. I'm sure it must still be possible to prove that John Barker sexually assaulted me in my bedroom that morning in August 2010 so that Claire & Trevor Guy can be sent to prison for 10 years. I just need a Law Degree to fathom out how. John Barker scarred my body for life in that flat. I want Justice!!
  5. Dirty old man...

    I was set up in 2006 by a female perpetrator to be abused, stolen from and made morbidly obese all so the female perpetrator could feel better about herself and so that she could lose some weight. I'm not quite sure how to define selfish by someone who 'uses' another person as a 'fag powered vibrator' in order to sexually satisfy ones self and to have an orgasm, Jesus!. C. would make me sexually abuse myself between its legs in order for it to 'cum'. I was black mailed by the fact that my Policeman father would find out that I was in trouble with illegal substances, I couldn't go home and ask for help, I was only 16, I didn't know any better. I was terrified. I was saw 'J' outside C's house in early 1999, it said "Oh there's the nutter who's threatening court action, because Claire, because he's schizophrenic because he took some drugs!". Then in August 2010, the very same person walked into my bedroom after letting it's self into my flat with a key, sexually assaulted me before walking out again. I have yet to find out how J stopped me from telling the Police but I was on the phone to the Police. I was 10 stone whilst at college in 2004. I was 18 stone after being abused by J for 4 years in 2010. All because C hasn't got the brain to keep its vagina to its self. I have yet to find out how over weight C did become. Apparently C would have died a super-morbidly over weight obese person of half a ton due the abuse she subjected me to, if it wasn't for the fact that they went onto mistreat me even worse. I am now obsessed with weight lose and healthy eating. I was never over weight growing up and didn't have to worry about what I ate. Now thanks to C and J, worrying about my weight is about all I do. I feel ill all of the time and am physically scarred and disfigured from the abuse I suffered at the hands of J in that flat. I haven't been able to go to the beach since 2006. My mind is a total mess, I'm completely paranoid and hear voices. I'm too scared to go outside the front door. C actually gets off on abusing me and find its funny.
  6. Verbal abuse..

    I am really upset to realise that it has been 19 years since I moved to 8 The Glen, the day Claire G. deliberately and knowingly caused my brain serious harm because she was 'getting high' if you ever. I have been fighting Claire G. off 24 hours a day for 19 years and I'm bloody exhausted. I have just one goal in mind, to put Claire G. and all those involved in prison for sexual abuse. I didn't even know that I was being used a something to laugh at. I didn't have the slightest clue that my sister, Claire G. and her friends and social workers not to mention my own father were situated in the flat behind my bedroom wall screaming at the tops of there voices (or with loud speakers), verbally abusing me. They did it to set up a child pornography scam on a Compaq Presario Laptop that my sister made me buy to try and discredit my claim that I had been horrifically sexually abused by Claire G. aged 16 in a flat set up by my father and Stephen Blair. Their goal in doing so was to prevent me from having children which would upset my abusive sister. Pain shot through my temple like you would not believe, the depression that followed was heart breaking, to the point that my blood boiled. Claire G. said to me in Selina Moores car on the morning of my 23rd birthday outside 8 The Glen, "wot's your room like", insinuating that I had 'really' wanted to perform oral sex on Claire G. I really didn't. I was screamed at and made to go around to Claire G's flat to be sexually abused. I didn't want to have sex with Claire G. I just wanted to ask my parents help with being poisoned with LSD at Ben Peppers house. I had never had consensual sex with anyone, I was 16 years old, I was supposed to go to College (even tho that was another set up by my sister to humiliate me and to stop me from getting a job). I didn't want to perform oral sex on Claire G, I didn't want to go near her or have anything to do with Clare G. The upset that my father caused that morning is beyond comprehension. he said to me in sarcastic tones "Claire is 'cuming' is that a problem?" I felt sick to my back teeth. I was expecting my father to put Claire G and my sister in prison. Not to have something to do with the abuse itself. My head span and I felt ill. I don't know if the problem is OCD or something else to do with my brain. I just knew that I had to put Claire G in prison to stop the pain from happening. Easier said than done, and now 19 years of my life have passed by (19 years that I could have been out working) and all I have done is waste my time trying to get help. It was my parents new home, where I live. My sister lived elsewhere it had nothing to do with her and absolutely nothing to do with Claire G. I was so bloody angry at my father for allowing Claire G to come to my house. The betrayal makes my skin crawl and my stomach sick. I thought he would have been on my side. How wrong I was. Every dinner time around 18:30pm they scream there heads off from the flat next door to 8 The Glen, I can't quite hear what they are saying it like a white noise of screaming. The stress that it causes to my nerves is really painful and makes me feel ill. I have tried to involve the Police to try and stop them from doing it. I guess I will have to take matters in my own hands. In around 1999/2000 they were screaming through my bedroom walls all kind of threats and abuse, death threats and insults to try and get me to masturbate over child pornography to try and make Claire G feel better and to stop me from having children as I grew older. It was set up by Claire G and Stephen Blair (a child protection officer if you ever!) in 1998 when I was 22. They made me study and take exams at a college in basic computer study to try and entice me into the world of computer and child pornography in order for Claire G to try and save her job. I have been told she works with children. I have been told that they would threaten to force paracetamol down my throat if I didn't masturbate over Child Pornography to make Claire G 'feel better'. I now live in constant fear and ill health. I am afraid to go outside my front door. Life is one big nerve wrecking nightmare. I don't know when the screaming started but I am told that my sister whom I thought was in New Zealand was infact behind my bedroom wall screaming at me to masturbate over child pornography in order that only 'she' would have children and that she would remain Queen 'shit'. I now live in constant fear in my own home. it's not safe to be in my own home. I am afraid to go outside. I never know when the screaming is going to start again or whom is behind my bedroom wall verbally abusing me. I have pleaded with my parents to try and make it stop but they just lie to me. Apparently the Child Pornography scam was Claire G's idea. A sort of 'cure all' for the crimes she had committed against me when I was 16/17. Show me up as a paedophile to try and stop Claire G and my sister from going to prison. Apparently Claire G 'got over' me turning my head around in Selina Moore's car on the 16th December 1998 by screaming at me to throw out all my possessions. I have yet to get over being made to answer Claire G's question of "wots your room like?". It is my bedroom, it could have been a fresh start for me, I could have been in recovery. Now I just suffer from anxiety and depression. I have been told it's what you can prove in court that matters. How do I prove that Claire G was sexually abusing me? I now have to stop the abusive idiots who are screaming at me every dinner time from Flat 6A, its really getting beyond a joke. To make matters worse members of Claire G's family have moved into the house the other side of 8 The Glen. This really has to stop. Full stop.
  7. Abusive sister...

    I wanted my first kiss to be with Laura S. a really pretty girl at my school whom I fell in love with when I was 12. Instead I was set up by the social services and my abusive sister and carted off to France to be supervised by and forced to have a public snog against my will with an older girl who suited my sister which was abuse. I didn't fancy Belinda G. and if you think I sound ungrateful there was no need for it. Belinda G. wasn't my cup of tea. I wasn't allowed a life of my own, everything I did had to 'arranged' by my Policeman father and social services so that my abusive sister could have a good laugh at me. I wasn't even allowed to lose my virginity. I had to be repeatedly buggered by a friend of my sister's when I was 14. Apparently to stop me from joining the Army?? Everything was pre-arranged by my sister. She's a scheming sewer rat.. I wasn't allowed to go to college, I wasn't even allowed to do my GCSE's at school. I wasn't allowed to get a job.. My father & sister are very controlling... I should have left home 23 years ago.. I'm now 41 and I'm too scared to go outside the front door... When I was 16, I was drugged and "forced to sexually abuse myself to stop my sister from committing suicide"... I have spent the part 19 years trying to get Claire G. out of my brain...everyday is an endless chore... I get screamed at through the walls by abusive neighbours, members of Claire G.'s family if you ever... I need help from the Police. A first kiss should be something done in private by two people who might actually be able stand one another... not something for you sister to laugh at. Not something 'pre-arranged' and 'paid-for-in-advance' by the social services... I need to sue the social services in the crown court. I really fancied Laura S. too... Claire G. has to be put in prison for sexual abuse. My home should be somewhere 'safe' & 'private' not a play thing for the mentally ill... My body shouldn't be violated by Claire G. Claire G. is sick in the brain indeed... her child pornography scam needs to be investigated by the Police... 10th January 1994, Goodrington Beach. I was set apon by Stephen Blair's Toilet Dweller and now I'm seriously mentally ill... there was no need for it.. Stephen Blair needs to be arrested.. I was only 18. 29th October 1996, Derriford Hospital, Plymouth. I was set apon by Stephen Blair's Toilet Dweller and I'm even more seriously ill... there was no need for it.. I could have been at home in recovery getting well after not being able to breath after Jamie Conway 'arranged' for me to be sexually assaulted by Melanie Neave... 21 years later and I still haven't recovered... just need to put Clair G. in prison for sexual abuse... Claire G. in prison for sexual abuse is the release mechanism for my brain.. I have to prove it in the Crown Court... 16th December 1998.. I was set apon by Claire G. in Selina Moore's car... I didn't want to answer... the pain shot across my left temple and I felt really dirty and began to panic... that was 19 years ago and I'm still trying to stop the pain in my head... I really need a Law Degree... I can't seem to remember the date in January 2001 on Bridgetownhill Totnes... they said I had been raped by the diseased turd... the diseased turd has to be put in prison for multiple counts of rape... I don't even know what Claire's current surname is... Melanie Graham gets cheap thrills out of verbally abusing me... September 2002, a petrol station near Bristol, after a Beth Orton concert.. I was set apon by Stephen Blair's Toilet dweller.. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and being sectioned in a mental hospital for 3 months.. they had set me up... just because I wanted to go cycling to lose some weight after being raped by the diseased turd when I was 17 in the summer of 1993.. there was no need for it... I need to sue the mental health services... I need a Law Degree... June 2006 I was set up... but by whom?? I was made to live in a flat next door to someone who had something to do with Claire G. August 2010 the very same person sexually assaulted me in my bedroom... It was a really gross fat old homosexual... it used to masturbate in my bed whenever I went out... apparently unbeknown to me it had a key to my flat.. I was the one who was left homeless... John barker needs to be put in prison for sexual assault and ABH... I need a Law Degree... I guess it's what I can prove in the Crown Court... I really need a Law Degree... Claire G. really needs to be put in prison for sexual abuse... I hope they give her 30 years...
  8. Very angry..

    Really angry and upset today. Relatives of sex offender/sexual abuser 'C' harassing and verbally abusing me in my local supermarket. Relatives of 'C' shouting and verbally through the walls of my bedroom, relatives of 'C' living on property next to my parents house verbally abusing and shouting at me. Can't seem to escape 'C', have been suffering it now for 25 years. 'C' arranged for me to be raped in my bedroom aged 17 which made me very ill both physically and mentally. 'C' is facing 10 years in prison for a child pornography scam that she set up to try and put me in prison for. 'C' sexually abused me for 8 months when I was a 16 year old, they did something to my brain with LSD so that I couldn't fight back or fight 'C' off. 'C' used to hang around my school hall when I was a 15 year old and stare at my genitals and laugh. 'C' had planned the poisoning and sexual abuse out months in advance. I need to sit a Law Degree to fathom out how to put 'C' in prison.
  9. Claire (Surname?)....

    Claire (Surname?) is a Paedo, I was under-age and I am very angry about it. She defiled my body, mind, brain and spirit with it's diseased brain. Claire (Surname?) needs to be put in prison for the rest of it's unnatural defiled life...
  10. Unwritten...

    I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. Age 4 I was set up with 'N' and 'E' so that my sister could laugh and pick on me and to make sure I never had a girlfriend. It was done by my Policeman father. I was told that if I didn't do what my sister told me to do I would be made to go to war to be shot and killed. Age 13 I joined the Air Training Corps with a view to joining the Royal Air Force to be a Pilot. I always knew I wasn't bright enough to be a pilot, but I thought I would kid myself anyways. Apparently my CO said that I wasn't bright enough to get into the RAF, I would have to join the Army if I was lucky. I didn't really want to be shot and killed, but that didn't happen either. Aged 15 I was made to leave the ATC. The ATC was the best thing I ever did I really enjoyed it. I as made to leave the ATC to be turned into a 'drugs hole' someone with Bi-Polar Disorder. Aged 16 I was poisoned with LSD. Staying in the ATC would have saved me from drugs and alcohol. Think I will Law Sue the Social Services and Education Department. What is wrong with joining the Army anyway? Don't think I would have passed the medical though. To this day I have no idea what I would have done for a living. I haven't got the slightest clue.. My father says that I would have been an homeless alcoholic living under a bridge.
  11. Blog pilot: Conquer

    I don't know the first thing about writing a blog. All I know is I survived. There is more of me broken than functional - but something small, somewhere inside me persists that that will not always be the case. So here I am, writing about it. (For all intents and purposes, and I still wan't nothing to do with them, my abuser will be called "X") I was with someone, who didn't care. I was with SEVERAL someones who didn't care, at least about me. However, this one in particular had brought me lower than I have ever been. We met under incredibly ordinary circumstances, nowhere I would consider special, and he was so handsome, confident, driven and direct. He knew what he wanted in life. He was charming and exotic, and I was definitely interested. He approached me, we exchanged numbers and I stepped on the path that many of you readers unfortunately have traveled. I like to think it was because I was young, or maybe that I was naive that I didn't see all the red flags. Down the road though I genuinely believed it was my fault that everything went down as it did because I wasn't strong enough and felt like I couldn't say no - even when I did. He used me however he pleased - regardless of if I said "no". He'd just go for it; wherever he wanted, however he wanted, and on his terms. Most of the time I'd go along with it because it was easier, less hassle and would be over with sooner. I felt obliged - I was with him. I remember searching for help and seeing articles of people staying in crazy relationships - but when you're with someone long enough, certain things become the norm, and you adapt and become numb. That's what I did. How could I leave the one I loved? The one I'd given up everything for? I was so invested, I left everything for him and his family. I spent countless hours helping his family run/build a business for free (which is still successful), writing their business plan, legalities, taking his siblings to school, getting things for the business, taking care of the animals, helping his mom with things around the house, working at a new job one of his brothers had finagled for me because he liked the lady who was later my boss(so I felt indebted to X's oldest brother). You name it. I had obligations, they depended on me and I began to live with them because I didn't want to let them down, and I wanted to matter so badly (This I chalk up to my home life as well as how X treated me). Also, I felt obligated. How could I say no? I was scared to say no. I fought endlessly with my mother about my living situation and defended him because I believed that I loved him, that he was really worth it, loved me and would treat me better when I deserved it. He still doesn't know everything that happened to me. Really, I don't think anybody does. Not even my therapist. I refused to admit that I was raped when coming out of the hospital because I didn't want to see X or deal with him or any of my other aggressors again and if I caused them real trouble they'd come after me. I refused to see his dark side! I countered it with good qualities or at least mentally altered his qualities into good ones just so I could get by. I tried everything I could to make us work because a committed relationship is something you've gotta work at right? I knew I was so helpful to these people, and that was good for me but I also knew I was incredibly disposable at the same time. I couldn't just LEAVE, could I? Well, X wasn't my first assailant and I hadn't had any REAL lessons in creating boundaries or learning to say no at this point in life. I was the perfect prey and I hated myself because I didn't know what I was doing wrong or what it was that I couldn't see. I was the pretty, caged canary forced to sing at his leisure...either that or he was the prowling cat looking to eat its favorite parts one piece at a time. He'd force himself on me, occasionally promising "just one more time" - swearing that it would be the last - but it never stopped and it only got worse. All the way until the only way I thought I could end it would be dying. Yes. Dying. "Dying? Isn't that extreme? Couldn't you just leave?" No. No, because in my mind there was no way out. I tried to leave, but he was so good at the mind games. He'd have me crawling back saying sorry, feeling guilty that I had left and grateful that I had returned, often turning to extremes to get me to come back. When things would get so bad he'd make grand gestures to show he'd "changed" and every damn time I'd believe him. There was no way that all of this was happening and he didn't see it as wrong. Surely he would change, wouldn't he? For me? For love? Spoiler alert: It got worse. He wasn't just sexually abusive and emotionally - physical abuse came swiftly after discussing marriage. You have to understand that THIS was my world of relationships. I didn't really SEE how horrendous this was because I didn't know any better, and I was numb. Whatever better there was out there just wasn't for me or didn't exist. I still grieve that I wasn't loved the way I deserved. For many a partner I was mistreated, abused, and expected to be fine. It was a never ending roller coaster of feeling strong and then weak on a loop from standing up after being broken. The day I decided to die, I had moved out, but come back to say sorry because I didn't tell him when I was leaving. I told him I was leaving him, but I didn't say when or how or where. I thought he was going to kill me. He glared saying "how could you do this to me, I loved you" while standing in the bathroom doorway because he came back while I loaded everything into my mother's truck. Do understand how messed up I was that I felt like I needed to go back to say how SORRY I was for leaving HIM??? I stayed the night, and he said he wouldn't take me back. If HE of all people who cared the least and yet the most about me didn't want me back - no one would. I officially lost my value and that morning I didn't go to work, I hid a large kitchen knife in my waistband and told everyone there (his brothers were living with us at the time for free and I was the only source of income because he refused to get another job after leaving his other one) I was going to shower. Blood can't clot if it's still wet. I closed the broken bathroom door, and went to work. The first few cuts were almost nice because the pain was better than the emptiness I felt and I felt alive, but my body shortly decided to numb the area and I was able to go deeper and farther running my arms and the backs of my ankles under water to prevent the clotting. One of our dogs pushed open the door because I was crying, I pushed them out and got blood on his face. X saw this and screamed at me "What did I tell you??? WHAT did I tell you?!" He told me that if I was gonna go die I should do it outside by the parking spot of our duplex. So, I proceeded to the door to go do so and he slammed the door in my face to prevent me from going out and hit me so hard across the face. The force that he hit me with registered, but I was light headed and numb from blood loss and filled with adrenaline and anger - so I didn't feel it and I hit him back - which I had never done, at least like this. I had lost so much blood in my arms that my hands were in fists and curling back to my body downwards, so hitting him was more like swinging a club or dead arm, and I couldn't feel it, but I know it was hard - and he hit back, even harder. We went at it for a moment as he continued to say that all he cared about was how much the blood on the carpet was gonna cost him, how stupid I was, how all this was gonna make him look, what he was supposed to tell people about what happened, etc. One of his brothers came to wrap me up and I wouldn't let him, I just kept screaming that I wanted to die. I had no value, I had no self worth, and the people that had ever claimed to love me did unspeakable things to me. I was nothing. I passed out from blood loss, his brother took me to the hospital because X wanted to shower and get spiffed up before going to the hospital. How do I know this? He said so "YOU go take her to the hospital. I need to go take a shower first." I just wanted to die. I gave everything I had and I had no will to live. I hated him. I hated that I loved him. I hated that I loved him and he didn't give a _____ about me. I did everything for him and his family, and he couldn't have cared less. Maybe he could have? He could have not come at all. He could have just locked the door behind me while I died outside, but as far as I'm concerned I was nothing to him and it was his appearance he was trying to save. It was never about ME, it was always about HIM. I had small moments of consciousness like being carried to the emergency room by his one good brother Q, being put in the wheelchair, getting my 20+ staples, seeing X & Q standing in the hallway, X looking and smelling like he was going to a formal event.... X never visited or called me in recovery/rehab, and his reasons for why were lies. I called him to see if he was coming, and he always said he would, but never did and had the cleverest of excuses which were validated as lies by S. I went to therapy and rehab and never admitted to being repeatedly raped, or abused. I didn't want to get him in trouble, nor did I want to get involved with the police, court, or with any of the other miserable people who had done similar things to me. I knew that If I caused problems, especially legal problems which would compromise their business and a dozen other things, I knew that they'd come after me. I blocked his number and cut as many ties as I could conceive and one day he called me from a number I didn't recognize. He wanted me back. He was making a grand gesture again for change that we could be happy and promising all the things I wanted to hear. However, enough was enough, and I said no. I said no and when he persisted I reinforced my no, with REASONS! I wasn't helpless anymore. I was done, I was out, and in my own little way I had won. in rehab and therapy I didn't want to confess or share my abusive truths because I wanted to escape the pain, block it out, pretend it never happened, and I couldn't do that if I ever saw them again, especially a court hearing or someone coming after me because X was in jail etc. Many of my exes were incredibly physical while others were strictly verbal and emotional and I didn't have a clue on how to get better. I just went into rehab as a depressed teenager who had a lousy home life, low self esteem, particularly bad relationship and break up, self harmed, and opted for suicide. My brain did a miraculously terribly thing which was block out all my traumatic events. Miraculous because there were times after my safety plan was made and I was released from the hospital's rehab facility that I was normal. I didn't have that darkness haunting or plaguing me. However, it created abrupt triggers when my brain made connections to real life and my barricaded memories, like it dug under the wall and leaked it out. Because of it, I get the worst PTSD episodes and I am back in the moments where I am not safe. I'm starting to master not suppressing, and learning not to be overwhelmed, but let's be real here, it still happens more than I'd like to admit. This caused me problems in my marriage which is now over - which is an entirely different can of worms as he was very mentally controlling and abusive - thank goodness and am now in the arms of the sweetest, most gentle man who is my best friend, know no bounds of building me up, making sure I know I'm his top priority, understands why I may react in strange ways, knows my pain and why I am the way I am - and I could never be more grateful for the love, and compassion he gives me without guile or expectancy. Dear reader, Just because hell was your romping ground doesn't mean you can't find your way to heaven. There is hope even when there is none and if you look you will always be able to find it. Dark times and hard times can make for a beautifully strong, unstoppable, unyielding spirit and mind. I am still healing, but I'm in a safe place, and SO much more of a person than I was. What once was a whisper is now a shout and the times that ensnared me made me who I am now. I can stand up for myself, I know my worth, I know more aspects of myself. I am weak no longer. I came out strong and I conquered. You can conquer too. I needed help, but ulitimately it was up to me to make decisions towards a better destination. Only I could save myself. I am my own hero.
  12. Hi all. My name is Brandi and I am a child abuse and sexual abuse survivor. I am 17 years old and I am almost 1 and a half years free. I am a bit nervous to be starting this as ive never fully dealt with it. I have a son who is 3 months old (not from the sexual abuser) I was abused for about 4 years between 7th-10th grade. The middle of tenth grade I finally had proof for my mother as telling her a few times before did not seem to be enough. And I was moved in with my aunt it took almost 6 months for my abuser to move out into his own home and for me to be able to move back into my mothers home. In between all of this I was suffering from depression and anxiety and was very suicidal. My abuser was my step dad who I had known for almost 12 years. He pretty much raised me as my father is nonexistent and has an alcohol problem. I guess I'm just looking for someone, anyone really who can relate instead of judging..
  13. I Guess It starts here

    It's long, but it's pretty much everything on my mind. I don't know how to handle what's happened to me. The self-blame and the invalidation i feel is overwhelming. I feel unworthy to tell other sexual violence survivors my story because.....it doesn't seem....as bad of a story as other people. I would feel guilty about complaining about what happened to me because it's nothing near as bad as what other women have gone through - yet what happened still hurts in a profound way. I_Guess_I'm_Going_to_Say_This.mp4
  14. Things Are Starting To Change

    It's only been 3 days since I've started up my weight-loss/fitness journey and I'm actually feeling like it's working out for me. The other times I've tried I merely failed and knew I wasn't really dedicated to it or I was doing it for someone else. This time I'm doing it for me. I have flat feet and some exercises really hurt but I started walking which is quite easy on the joints. I'll look into getting some gel pads and a basin to soak my feet in afterwards. Whatever happens, I can't allow myself to quit. Obviously 90% of successful weight-loss is diet so I'm starting to eat on small salad/saucer plates again. This is allowing my brain to believe that I'm actually eating more than I am. I also allow myself unlimited servings of veggies. I eat what I want now, just in smaller portions and I make sure I work out an hour a day, 5 days a week. Walking takes almost no effort if you're my size so it's easy for me to just get it done. I even leave my shoes, shades, and ear phones at the bottom of my stairs so that when I go to the kitchen I remind myself to work out. I was always afraid to shed the weight because I didn't want to feel vulnerable again like when I was a skinny child. I also wanted to keep the weight on as a protector from unwanted male attention. I've done that for the worst half of 30 years and quite frankly I'm sick and tired of hiding. I shouldn't have to hide; I wasn't the one who did this to me. And by allowing my fat to stay, to keep me trapped I'm letting my abusers win. I'm going to see this through and take back my joy by shedding the weight once and for all.
  15. Hello all. I have awoken from my slumber. I am a victim of inhumane physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I am also a kidnapping victim. I wrote a poem for myself and maybe, it will help others. I don' tknow where to turn or what to do. Here's my poem, to help others, maybe. I will come back for you. I know how frightened you are, I can hear you screaming, I know how confused you soon will become, they did this. I know the tip of the needle will hurt you so badly, And I know that your going to lose your life even if you don't. I know your nights are filled with terror and tears, I know all you want to do is love so much, The are going to steal it from you without you even knowing. They are going to take your soul and drag it through hell. It matters not how far your thrown, The words you hear tomorrow will hurt you but not defeat you. They will take your humanity and throw in a closet like an old coat, They will take your joys because their yours, not theirs. Fear not, young man, the tears that are falling ARE yours, Do not fret hiding in the leaves, you, one day, will remember the rolling clouds fondly. Draw and write as much as you can until that too is gone, You will again, one day pick up your pen and write this poem . You are not theirs and their belts, their needles and their insults won't change that, You are going to suffer while you hang in your closet, do not fear it: I am with you. You are going to lose all the things they hate about you. Soon, very soon, you will be nothing more than an animal in the dirt. You will soon, lose what mind they failed to crush, You will suffer in ways you can't even imagine yet, my heart breaks for you. You will be robbed of your very humanity and turned into scum, You will lose everything but it's not your fault. You will hurt others not because your your the devil but because you were told you were the devil. Fear not, young man, they aren't your fists and there not your sins. You will hold onto the dreams they give and then take away, I know you won't listen to me now and that's ok. You will not die in the dark but you will suffer in it, You can't hear my voice and you will only hear their screams. I love you more now then I ever will, you will one day be safe, Do what you must to survive in the flames, I will come back for you. Michael 1/29/2015
  16. Rhodonite

    From the album Crystals for healing

    This is one of the best crystals for healing sexual trauma, heartache of all kinds, and grief.

    © MagickalGoodies