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I don't know that I want an answer. No, that's wrong, I definitely do. I want to be heard. I've been holding a lot inside, but I do want to be heard. That bastard....Campus rape. My first semester. Nothing ever seems to go right for me, as soon as I endeavor on something new I always get my heart ripped out and stomped on. I should report him. I COULD report him. I could make him pay for what he did. I wish I wasn't so scared. So scared of what might happen if I open my mouth. I don't know how i'm going to feel okay. Ever. will...I? Knowing that he's out there and free and not knowing what damage he may have caused me. I know that I'll be spending years thinking about this. Months of sadness, wasting my time reliving the fears in my mind. I can't even sit here alone in my room and feel okay. THAT BASTARD. How can you sleep at night? Oh how I hope you are rewarded for my misfortune you son of a bit*h. I want to heal. So badly. I was healing, finally, I was finally healing from the abuse that started my freshman year of high school. This is history repeating itself. Is it not. Have I not suffered enough in my life? And to think that you were someone I once confided in. You knew all the gory details. You knew my pain. You are really something aren't you. I will never understand how this world is filled with so much evil. I will never understand why rape is so common. So dreadfully common. No one ever lives without it touching someone they care about, know about, or themselves. I'm so angry. But i'm also very hurt. I'm hurting so badly, was this what you wanted? to cause me a lifetime of misery for a few moments of your own selfish, twisted pleasure you men that do these things are freaks. How dare you. How dare you defile us. How dare you lay hands on us and make meal of our flesh. How self entitled can you be, what makes you think this is okay? God, If I could eliminate the evils of this world you must know that I would have made rape one of them. I would have put rape on that commandment list, I would have drawn it in permanent marker, chiseled it in mountainsides, I would have made Moses move mountains, Put it on the pinnacle of the earth and forced the whole world to see it's own wickedness. The dogs that we call men would never go a day without that slap to their faces. I would make colors to describe the anguish we must feel. I would come up with words, poems, literature specifically for the world to understand why this should NEVER happen to anyone for any reason. Oh how sick. How sick you are world. One day I hope that hell is real just to watch the wicked burn. I would love to smite the earth myself sometimes But when all is lost I remember that there is still hope There is still reason to believe in love and miracles God I wish I could get his smug face out of my mind His cruel laugh is ringing in my ears I am dishearted, and I hate the fact you even exist. How could such a loving God allow such evil to reside within you, or are you the darkness? I am not so certain of anything, You call yourself a Christian but all you have managed is to persecute me, I swear on my life that I will find a way to overcome the things you say and have done, but I will never ever fully disentangle myself from you. You gave intimacy a bad name.
I'm trying to write again in hope that it will unhinge something about myself that I haven't understood before. I was raped as a child, as a teenager and as a woman. There were things that happened to me that I don't understand the effects of just yet, but I hope that on this long overdue journey of recovery I will begin to understand, accept and move forward in one piece/peace. I am in a relationship now, he is a wonderful man with his own demons that he is battling. I have a 3 year old son from another relationship. It is the love that I have for these two boys that make me want to be better, I want to love them both and be loved at the highest capacity that my mind is capable. Not only because it is what they deserve but because it is what I deserve. There is a place in my mind that I go to, the hurt that travels from my stomach to my throat, then to my stomach, then to my throat again. Many of you know this place all too well. It's where we go when we are exposed to vulnerable situations, when we are triggered. A place that I go to far to easily. It is a security blanket of guilt and memories that although is the bane of my existence, I use as an excuse not to live my life. Fortunately I have learnt how to remove myself from this place. Somedays it harder than others, somedays it's only momentary. What I aim to eventually do is to never feel the need to go to this place again. Although its hard to admit what I'm about to say, but I really do need this place. I need it to hide behind every bad decision that I've made, to not be accountable for my sadness today. It has been 13 years. I was robbed of many things, but I will not rob myself of the happiness that I can feel today.
The moon is spilling through the window pane Its tranquil beauty capturing my eyes Illuminating the navy blue skies Revealing silhouettes the world contains Moonlight and shadows spill across my face While an orchestra outside fills my ears Crickets' lullabies are heard loud and clear Their peaceful music filling empty space As the moon is spilling through the window I gaze upon its surface dimly lit Wond'ring if a loved one also sees it Such a thought sets my heart and smile aglow The moon is spilling through the window pane Inspiring hope that cannot be restrained