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judas10 posted a blog entry in Abuse, addiction, religion, and the desire to healI want to be clear...I self-medicate. I try to numb myself in order to cope with my past. It's not healthy. It's not how I should cope. But, it's my current reality. I don't want to keep this up, nor can I continue to drink like I do and expect my past to go away, or my life to get better. I'm slowly killing myself, and it pisses me off! However, I am currently trying to get into rehab, although my insurance is denying my request (another story)! From the start, I was physically abused by my father. He was an arrogant, religious, physically large man, that thought that sparing the rod, would spoil the child. He would pray for me before he beat me, and never forget to mention that he was doing it because he loved me. He would say that he didn't want to, but that he had to. The blood he drew would always say otherwise, but who was I to question. At 10 years old, while attending a Christian school, that was also where my family attended church, the preacher had his way with me on a regular basis. My memory is blank as to the details, but there is a reason for that. I only remember bits and pieces, but every time I got in trouble (which was often), the preacher would pray for me, spank me with a wooden paddle, and then comfort me through the act of molestation. Can anyone relate to this? If so, please reach out to me. I'm numb, yet still in pain...if that makes sense!
Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will follow them. This post discusses religion. That earns it a TW just on principle. Also, this is an extremely sensitive spot of mine. Please keep that in mind if you choose to comment. I'm sad. Very sad, There are a lot of different faith paths practiced in the Company. We've got pagans, we've got some who are just "spiritual", at least one who identifies as a White Witch, a few atheists. And several of us follow the path of Christ. I can't call myself a Christian anymore. The gap I see between the Word and the deeds of many who claim the name of Christ is just too much for me to stomach. This coming from the woman who once was on a fast-track to lay leadership in her chosen denomination, and felt sure her destiny involved the full-time ordained ministry. I'd go home after church on Sunday and dissect the sermon I just heard, find ways to make it more effective. I challenged myself to use the same points Rev. S. had used. I did my research and probably knew my Bible better than any member of the laity in my church. And now I am not. Oh, I still know my Bible inside out, upside down and backwards. I still can dissect and reassemble any sermon and give it back better than the one I started with. But that gap between Word and Deed has widened so far I can barely see across it. I know, I know. There are good Christians out there. I even know a few. I call a few of them friends. But my overwhelming experience has been less than positive. I hear people telling me to pray harder, that if I just trust God enough all my problems will be solved. I hear people telling me that I clearly do not have enough faith; otherwise my problems would have been solved by now. And when I try to explain that I am doing my best, that I've heard all the platitudes and more, I get insulted looks. Huffs. I do believe that God will provide for all my needs. AND I believe that I gotta do my part. I gotta get off my ass and use the tools I've been given to get those needs met. It's like the joke, a guy on his roof during a horrible flood. A canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter all come to him, offer to take him to safety. The man refuses all of them, saying that God will provide. Then he drowns, gets to the Pearly Gates. He cries to God, asking why he died. God says "What did you want? I sent a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter for crying out loud!" I've known too many people who "wait upon the Lord" by sitting on their asses. Wait is a verb, people. "Wait upon the Lord" like a waitress in a busy restaurant, not like someone just tapping the table in boredom. And yet, I still "don't have enough faith". My primary abuser was a preacher. Many of the elders of his churches abused this body as well. They preached the love of God, then went to the basement and hurt an innocent kid. The answer I get when I offer up that (sanitized) version of my story is usually along the lines of "you were being tested." I call bullshit. The God I worship does not "test" children that harshly. I'm not even sure I can see a good, loving God testing kids at all. But I am sure that He would not "test" a child with such violence that her mind shatters into a zillion alternate personalities. I can see "reasons" for me being a multiple. Ask Copper, sometime. She can see reasons for everything...then again she's a big-picture type. And I can follow the logic and accept where we are and how we got here. But a lot of these mealy-mouthed, pat-on-the-head proselytizers need to STFU. And I need to stop typing before I start to cry. My faith is broken, and I don't know what to do with the pieces. As we as a System work to heal, I'm forced to see exactly how depraved They were. I joke about Copper loving crocodiles...but I do too. I don't want to acknowledge the things that were done to this body. I don't want to admit to myself that the Dad I loved (even when we fought, even though he did sometimes hit me)...I don't want to accept that he did the other things. I don't want to accept that he knew about and participated in the process of shattering his child's mind. I've always known Christianity was flawed, but I could find comfort in it,flaws or no flaws. I'm not sure I can anymore. I ask for help, I read blogs and Bible studies and they all tell me the same thing. I was born sinful and that if I say the Sinner's Prayer, everything will be all right. I was "saved" when I was 5 years old. At that point, there were already at least 8 different personalities dwelling inside this head. Am I suffering because some of my Insider sisters have not been "saved"? I don't know for sure who knelt with Jet beside our bed and said the words...but somehow it seems to me that it was the adults who were sinning. Not me. Not us. We did not ask to be hurt like that. But the vast majority of Christians seem to forget that being "saved" once doesn't keep a person from sinning. I know that my father had been "saved". I know that Elders X, Y, and Z had been too. Why do I have to keep repenting for things that were not my fault?????