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Found 9 results

  1. Hello once again, Two years later and here I am again! I hope life has treated you well these past few years. This is going to be quite a long ramble about where I am in terms of coping with what happened. It was quite a bizzare feeling to read the words I had written two years ago. And do you know what’s really strange? The same trigger that caused me to start writing two years ago caused me to come back here - intimate, long term, relationships. (For some reason this seems to be a huge issue for me - probably because I crave it and yet fear it all at the same time) And reading the words that I wrote two years ago was shocking. It was like nothing has changed. But actually, my mentality has changed- I will try and outline this change (maybe you have experienced a similar progression?) So, as coherently as I can, here goes: - so initially (~ 3 years) utterly and shocked and numb, pretend everything’s fine because I was completely unable to accept what had happened. An example of this would be getting angry when someone told me I had been r*ped - far too terrified to actually admit it. - ( 2 years ) slowly realising everything’s not fine - I have to face what happened, and realise that it’s changed me. This realisation that it didn’t matter if people believed me or not, it had changed me dramatically. No matter what others thought or said, they couldn’t change how I felt and what I felt was real. - (1 year - current state) mourning my past self. I’m no longer going to be who I was before and I should not try to be who I was before. It’s time to relearn who I am. So currently I feel very naive. I’m finally ‘awake’ and have no illusions. I was raped, struggled to cope and pretended I was fine. I am not fine, I won’t be fine again, but maybe that’s okay. It’s time to learn how to live with this new normal. It’s hard though. It’s hard to let go of who I was before (6 years ago... it’s crazy) and it’s hard to reconcile who I feel I am now with societal expectations and pressures. For example, I think that I don’t want a long term, committed relationship right now- and maybe never will. (Because I am scared of how vulnerable it makes me and don’t think I am ready for it yet) But, I’m a 24 year old women, many of my friends are starting to build futures with their partners. And I’m starting to get questions - why are you not dating? Why are you not looking for someone ... you will be alone forever! But secretly... I think I do want it. So here we are again. I met a person and I really started to like him a lot. These feelings of love (?) / loneliness / desire (?) have brought me back here. Because how can we cope with these things? Of course relationships (and I really do only mean this very committed long term intimate relationship when I use this word) will be a huge hurdle- physical intimacy is terrifying, the power dynamic is terrifying, the ‘oh wow sorry I’m so messed up I’m not worthy of love and too inadequate for your love’ situation is terrifying. So terrifying, that just feeling physical / emotional attraction and desire is enough to reopen old wounds
  2. DISCLAIMER: I do go into a little bit of detail about my intimacy with my ex boyfriend. It was always sweet, loving, non abusive, and consensual, but still, just want to give a warning! Hello everyone! So in case anyone needs to read a juicy excerpt of young adult relationship drama, look no further than this post right here! Hmm, but in all seriousness, I was and still am super emotional about my problems with my relationship. And I was just having anxious thoughts, not pertaining to the relationship, but to this anxiety that I am getting so tired of!! I thought, hmm what if what is causing the anxiety is something physically wrong in my brain, and I have to get an operation?! My second thought was girrrl, go get yourself an fMRI stat! But then, I was like, welllll, you did suffer sexual violence as a child, maybe it was only one time, but it definitely changed and altered a lot of your perceptions. Although, because nothing is impossible, the chance that there is something physically wrong with your brain is still there, but most likely, you are suffering from anxiety due to defining your worth and strength based on being molested. Which, I hypothesize, will make anyone feel, at least bad about themselves. But anyone else with anxiety have crazy thoughts like this? I am only having it now because I feel like I have been making a lot of progress but it has been exhausting for my mind. Maybe this is my mind retaliating, making me feel more anxious. That's not nice mind! ANYWAYS, so here's the juice on my confusing, annoying, relationship: I began to have a relationship with a guy two years ago, we actually met up on tinder, and no I was not a usual user of tinder, but I was with a friend who recommended it to me just to be silly since we had nothing to do that night, so I thought hey, why not. So i actually strike up a nice conversation with this guy, who just moved to where I live in the U.S. from a country in South America. I do not want to name said country just for privacy reasons (I know I am a little paranoid), but lets just say this country is suffering political and economic turmoil, and he moved to the U.S. to start a better life. WELL, so we met up and hit it off super well. We decided to meet up again and go to the beach. It was nice, but in the back of my head, I felt the numbness that I always feel about myself. I was happy to be with a new person who I got along with, I mean I wasn't necessarily attracted to him in a romantic way, but I was just letting things happen. So when we get back to mine we actually kissed and he slept over (we only kissed). Now, here is where I got a little upset with myself because I remember telling myself after my ex boyfriend and I broke up that I would not move so suddenly with the next guy, I would give it time, and try to feel myself out first: do I really want to hook up this guy because that is all i want, or do I want to hold off on that so I can actually build trust toward him, and possibly develop a loving, trusting, relationship? Well, I guess I went with the previous option, because a couple days later, we hung out again, but this time, we did more than kiss. I let him go down on me, but I don't know why I did that. It was definitely consensual, and it was a really lovely experience, but then he asked me to return the favor and I immediately felt disgusted and bad about myself. I have a really bad perception of giving oral sex to a man, so it just ruined my night. However, he saw how upset I was, and sweetly took me in his arms and told me to relax, that he did not care at all, and he was just happy we could enjoy an intimate moment together. It did not make me feel better. I felt so angry with myself. Why could I not accept the fact that it was okay that I did not want to reciprocate? Like, I was not trying to be selfish, I just knew it would make me feel worthless, because that is how I perceive it, and still do (that's a whole different story though). But yeah, he was totally cool with it, I still felt super bad that I was allowing any intimacy to happen between us at all though. I knew that that's not how I needed to start off my next relationship, because intimacy has always been a negative thing in my mind, ever since I was molested. So, for me, I did not start the relationship with a good mentality. I was always weary of him, and I always felt scared that there could be a side of him he is hiding, a perverted, overly sexual side. That is like my biggest fear in a relationship, to discover that I have been with a man who has the same traits (at least in my head they are kinda the same) as the man who took advantage of me. It sucks because looking back on it, and hearing what my friends and family have told me, this man who I apathetically treated as my boyfriend, adored and loved me so much. And I never let myself feel that love A couple months into the relationship we took the intimacy to the next level, and I pushed myself because I was conflicted. My mind was judging me harshly and critiquing me for not wanting to be selfish, and wanting to give more, it was making me feel like I was worthless for enjoying that aspect of intimacy with my boyfriend. Because of that, I sometimes felt hatred toward him, and always toward myself. I never felt that feeling of security and trust that one must feel in order to have a healthy, vital relationship. Let's just say this is Part 1 of my relationship drama. I have endured enough drama today already with it, so I think I need a little break. Enjoy your day/evening! And even through all this 'drama', I am not trying to keep myself bummed out! I am training my mind to stop dwelling on what I can not change/what needs to be accepted. love, pauline
  3. Hi there. I know I've only been here 57 days, and there hasn't been many posts, mainly due to my life off of the internet, but I would like to change that. So, I thought I would start off by introducing myself and explaining my first post, just in case anyone was confused. Anyway... Hello, again. My name is Nikita, but my nicknames are Niki or Pepper. I was born on July 27th, 1995 in New York. I am currently 21 years old, and I reside with my parents. I've been mentally ill since I was five years old. I've been diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia and I've been told I border on Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't start getting treatment (medications and therapy for these diagnosis) until 2008, which was also the year I began self-harming. I've been in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and have been on numerous medications such as: Abilify, Ambien, Ativan, Celexa, Effexor XR, Klonopin, Prozac, Trazodone, Wellbutrin XL and Zoloft since being diagnosed. I am currently taking Klonopin, Trazodone and will hopefully soon be starting Cymbalta and Naltrexone. The use of the Klonopin is for my Social Anxiety Disorder, Trazodone for Insomnia (although it is also another antidepressant), and the Cymbalta will be for an antidepressant and the Naltrexone for impulsivity (self-harm). I was almost three months clean this October 31st of self-harm, but ended up relapsing on the 27th. Although I don't really approve of medications, I am going to give it one last time, before fighting my insurance for an alternative method that I approve of, which is TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), because I refuse the treatment of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). Due to my mental health, I've missed out on a lot of things, such as achieving my high school diploma. I couldn't handle being around all the students, so I stayed home all the time, or I would need to be medicated, which only worked for about the first two hours anyway. To be honest, I felt like I was cheated out of my high school diploma because of my mental illness. I was a good, smart student, even when I wasn't in school. My homework was done on time, and when I went to take my regents exams, I passed. However, the school opted to put me into foster care, as if that would fix anything, but my family and I won. Not long after, I dropped out of school. In that time, I should've gotten my GED (General Education Diploma), but my best friend at the time had different plans: do drugs, drink alcohol and shoplift. I can say this is not a part of my life I regret, because if it wasn't for her, my Social Anxiety Disorder wouldn't have gotten better. Although I do feel like it has gotten worse with the recent rape/sexual assault. Besides not achieving my high school diploma, it took me until August or September of this year to achieve my driver's permit, even though I have been driving since 2014. Moving on... In 2011 I stumbled across a couple bad sites when I was in a bad place. I was depressed and suicidal. A couple years after belonging to these websites, I had my first suicide attempt in 2012, and until May 2015, I've had a total of 10 suicide attempts. I also gained my first fiancé, who was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. We were together on and off for three years (since 2011). In November of 2014 I got my first job, where I was sexually assaulted three times by my supervisor. In my post, "Hello, new member here" it says that "I've come to the final phase (renewal phase)" with my first (three) sexual assaults, and I have. So, I see no reason to discuss it. The second time I was sexually assaulted, I was in a psychiatric ward, on my 10th suicide attempt, by another patient, which also happened three times. I've come to the final phase with those sexual assaults, too. The third time I was sexually assaulted, was yet again, another three times which then lead to rape by my second job supervisor. When I began working, I ignored my supervisor outside of work like the plague due to what two other co-workers told me: he plays mind games and will try to sleep with you. Especially because one of those co-workers was a female he had tried pursing. Unfortunately, I played the game after avoiding him for two months, seeing if I could beat him at his own mind games, because of my background of psychology. Sadly, I didn't know I was dealing with a sociopath. At the time, he was in another relationship with a co-worker, who was also pregnant with his child, but I didn't know this until the time she gave birth. In December, after two months of not putting up with his mind games, I fell victim and I became a second woman. The biggest thing I am not proud of. He manipulated/sweet talked me for a couple months, before meeting my ex-fiancé. You know, the whole, "I have romantic feelings for you", "I'm going to leave her", "You're (insert compliment here)", etc. I even wiped his crocodile tears a few times. When I had met my ex-fiancé, I told him (my work supervisor/SA/rapist) that I couldn't see him anymore and that we could only have a work relationship, nothing more, and he said he was happy for me. For months I gushed about my ex-boyfriend, then turned ex-fiancé, and in return I think it made my work supervisor/SA/rapist infuriated because he couldn't have me to himself or my happiness, maybe. One night, my work supervisor's boss made me upset, and I had asked him (work supervisor/SA/rapist) if he was doing anything after work since we both were getting out at the same time. I asked to grab a drink, but since I was underage at the time, I couldn't buy. He did, though. Three 12 oz cans of beer. I slammed the first two while we sat by the river the leads out to the lake because I was so pissed off at his boss. We just sat there, talking about anything and everything. I watched him cry, and I wiped his tears. Finally my ex-fiancé called telling me what time he'd need to be picked up from work. My work supervisor/SA/rapist helped me up the stairs, and into his truck, where we talked a little bit more. It was time to leave after awhile, so I got out and got into the car I drove in. He came by when my door was opened, and knelled besides me. I told him I feel sick, and that I'll eventually get sick. He then kissed me, and I pushed him off of me. Next, he went towards kissing my neck, where I pushed him off again and told him to stop, that I'm engaged. He did. I told him to leave now so I can get sick, which he did and so did I. The next time was after work, too, which he insisted on buying alcohol, and I was okay with that, just that I would drink slower this time. By this time, Pokémon Go had came out, so we would walk the city with our alcohol in cups you could conceal them in. Almost nearing the end of my night, since I had to pick my ex-fiancé up from work, we went to this park near the lake. We walked around a bit, catching Pokémon. The sprinklers were on in the park, I thought it would be amusing to shove one another into the sprinklers and then get back to catching Pokémon, but that didn't happen. We had ended up wrestling. The grass was wet. He shoved his hands down my pants, as I told him to stop, and back up away from him, but the grass was too damn slippery and he was strong. He stopped after a while, and I scurried to my feet and over to his truck to grab my belongings. When I got there though, he turned me around and pushed me against the truck, slipping his hand down my pants again, demanding I orgasm. I faked the orgasm so he would get out of my pants and off of me sooner. I think he assumed I "needed help" because I had told that my ex-fiancé and I were having sex issues, and in return he talked about the types of issues he was having with his girlfriend, because I had hoped the first sexual assault was the last and we could become friends again and move along. The last time, I was home and he was home. He had asked to hang out, but I was hesitant. Before leaving home, we got into an argument through text message, which pissed me off, so I brought along the tools I use to self-harm with and baby wipes to clean myself up with. I headed out towards a secluded area near the lake in the city where we've been before. When I got there, I noticed Border Control. I didn't bother to bring my tools with me, so I went on a walk to the secluded area and decided to watch the sunset and listen to some La Dispute. It was nice. About halfway through I looked over, and who do I see coming my way? Him. I panicked, but couldn't go anywhere because the way I needed to go to go back to the car, was the same direction he was walking in. I laid there, staring at the sky. He came over, asking me if I was still mad at him. Of course I was. He tried cheering me up. Said he had already bought me alcohol and would let me drive his truck. I rolled my eyes in a, "yeah, let's see if you can cheer me up" kinda way. I was practically quiet or sarcastic to him the whole time, until I got alcohol in my system. We drove around the city for a while because the park where he first sexually assaulted had just finished having an event. By the time we got back to the park it was 11:00 PM, cleared out. Not a single person around. This time I took my bag with me. We walked down the stairs to get closer to the lake, to make our round of catching Pokémon, but halfway through, he grabbed me, forcing himself onto me, kissing me. I told him to stop, that this wasn't acceptable, I'm engaged, what we (technically him more than me) was over, but he pushed me on to the ground, dropping my bag out of my reach. He got on top of me and put himself inside my mouth, which is also when I also noticed he had a pocket knife on him. Not even a couple minutes afterwards, he unbuckled my belt, pulled my pants and panties down, flipped me over where I was on my knees, and inserted himself. I remember bits and pieces, like how much it hurt. My head was pushed into the ground and my nails dug into the dirt. Then my ponytail being grabbed, and him telling me to call him "daddy". Within a few minutes after that, he was finished. He looked into my bag, wiped myself and himself off, and threw the wipes into the bushes. It hurt so much to sit and stand, but I got up so quickly and starting walking fast to the car, feeling tears swell in my eyes and a panic attack coming on. We both reached our vehicles. He demanded a hug from me, so I complied and then left. I got in the car, and left him at the park. I cried and had a panic attack all the way to my ex-fiance's parent's house. No one was home. I rushed in, and jumped in the shower. I examined myself and I couldn't take the pain and how swollen I was. I didn't even wash off. I just stood there in the shower, crying. Eventually I worked myself up to get out of the shower, get dressed and go to my ex-fiancé's work. I didn't tell him right then and there because I was so ashamed. He didn't know until the next day, and he saw me still in pain and swollen. After that, it was the hospital, police, and the workplace... Right now, I am unemployed but interested in getting my GED out of the way so I can become a Phlebotomist and Phlebotomy Technician and then hopefully going through 11-12 long years of college and medical school to become a Medical Examiner. So, yeah, that's about my life right now. Thanks for taking the time to read.
  4. How Does One Do A Date?

    I'm bad at dating. Prefacing this entire entry by stating that is the most important thing. My dating skills are just above the high school f**kboy level. Let's have a bit of a history lesson on my dating history shall we, it shows a lot I think about my character and who I am and how it's led to the issue I now hold. In elementary school I was a total loser. No one liked me and I had 4 friends. One was equally as unpopular as me, one was kind of a controlling bit*h in retrospective, one I thought was super weird and annoying but that was before I understood anything about autism, and the last was a really great friend of mine who lived on my block but moved back to Pakistan before middle school. So as you can imagine, an unpopular kid with little friends like me didn't exactly have cute boyfriends growing up. I didn't get "married" or have cutesy relationships when I was like 10. No I was boy friendless and had zero romantic interest coming at me until I hit high school. A boyfriend didn't come right away in high school. Grade 9 was the first time I made a lot of friends, and actually laughed and enjoyed my life. I didn't care about dating at that point. I mean I would eye the cute blonde named Drew in my French class sometimes but that was about it. It wasn't until Grade 10 when I turned 15 that anything changed for me. Fifteen changed my life honestly. I developed, and I developed quickly. I was already rocking 34C cups, and back then I was still a bean pole, so it was super noticeable that I had a bigger chest than my friends. That kind of development took a hold of how the rest of the world saw me. Suddenly I was subjected to cat calls and street harassment, but I was a kid. I didn't realize that it was wrong. I took pride in thinking guys everywhere thought I was hot. At that age I worked at a fast food restaurant with my 2 best female friends. It was cool, working with my friends was nice, my coworkers were older than me but not so much that we had nothing in common. One of those co workers was Jordan. He was nineteen, a drug dealer, totally sexist, gross, and my first boyfriend. I'm so proud. Jordan and I didn't date for long, we rushed into a relationship because we made out on his couch one night and that was about it. Not much of a basis for meaningful development. I dumped him after a month and a half of dating and that was that. Then there was Steve. Steve was twenty when I hated him. I was still fifteen. Steve and I didn't so much date, but we hooked up a few times before he moved away. And by hook up I mean we made out a bunch and one time I let him finger me behind my high school one night. Almost right after he moved though I dated Andrew. Oh Andrew. To this day he was one of the hottest guys I've ever been with. I was fifteen still, he was twenty two. I'm that age now. How disgusting. He was 7 years older then me and instead of hooking up with girls his age he chose a minor to date. I didn't really know any better at that age but he sure did. Yet he still acted on it. And it was this dynamic that spured me into having a real sex drive, one that I didn't know existed. Finally I met the guy who would become my first serious relationship. John. John and I met in my drama class and we clicked the moment we started talking. We were both excitable nerds with lots in common to rant and rave together. For the first month everything was fine, until he got violent. John had anger issues and eventually he took them out on me. Physically was actually the easier abuse to deal with. I endured, went home, covered it in lots of makeup and then went to school the next day. But the emotional abuse stuck. He made me want to kill myself, and then would scream at me more and call me a selfish idiot for feeling suicidal at all. Then he'd approach me in a public place, apologize, kiss me, and we'd be fine. Until he got angry and violent again. And this went on and on. Two years I was in this relationship until I had enough. I dumped him, and my best friend at the time, whom he hated let me live with him and his roommates so I'd have a safe place to be. I barley dated after that. Eventually I went to college. My first year in college was a blast. I hooked up with a lot of people, casually dating some, and felt super social again like I did before I dated John. My self discovery of my sexuality also came to fruition in this year, and I finally was proud to call myself bisexual. I even had a girlfriend for a brief period of time. But after John I wasn't interested in dating, not after two years of abuse. I was fine with not dating for a while. Jay was a good friend. He was a few years older than me, but we had a lot in common, both in media, both nerds, both social and flirty. But he had a girlfriend and a kid, and I was happy with my girlfriend at the time too. But at the end of the year, he broke up with his girlfriend, my best female friend had been jerking his feelings around and in the end he broke up with his girlfriend to be with her, but she didn't want to be with him- melodrama that everyone's heard a thousand times over. So I told him to come out to party. It was country night at the pub, I didn't even like country music but I needed to have a good time and thought he could use a good time with a friend. And I got drunk. Too drunk. And, well, remember when I told about about being raped? That was Jay. That was this night. After it was over, he left me all alone. I remember the light of the moon filtering into my room, illuminating me, just sitting on the floor in total silence. No idea what to think, what to say, what to feel. Eventually I found enough strength to get up. I put on whatever clothes were nearest, and left the apartment to go for a walk. It was 4:30 in the morning and I had class early soon but I didn't care. I couldn't breathe. I needed to breathe. I told no one. Eventually rumours filtered out that we slept together, my best friend was pissed, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. It was over a year before I told someone. And it just so happened the first person I told was my professor, Craig. Now I'll get to him in a separate entry all together. He deserves his own post he's such an a amazing person. But he helped me through it. He pulled me by arms out of the ditch and kneeled down waiting for me to pick myself up off the ground. He knew I had to pick myself up, but he was there with me the whole time. During that year I even tried to date again, but they were all very short lived and without barley any real dating involved. Until last summer. Last summer I fell in love. I was working maintenance at a summer camp when I met Nigel. He was one of those people who you just click with. He's easy to click with he's smart, funny, and has a wide variety of interests to talk about. But he was the one I fell in love with, and he fell in love with me. And it was great. My first love. But I had't been in anything real since Jay. We would try sexual things and I'd freak. Panic attacks, crying, babbling apologizes it was atrocious. He was patient with me though, and eventually I told him. Harsh tears so thick I could barley see. But he was there for me. He wanted to be with me, and said that wasn't going to change how he felt. 6 months we were together. Between Craig helping me with my personal and emotional struggles, and Nigel there for me as I healed on a relationship level as well as a sexual level things seemed to finally be getting better. Until early February. He was distant all the sudden. He barley spoke to me, and we were long distance too, since I was 3 hours away in college. So communication is vital. He told me after an argument that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. That he needed space to think about it. So I gave him space. Eventually he told me that he still loved me and he wanted to be with me. One week later he told me that he kissed another girl, that he didn't love me, that all my problems pushed him away and that I didn't get better fast enough for him. Way to abandon a girl and stomp on her heart right in front of her, bucko. At first I felt like I was pining for him to take me back, but now I realize what it truly was. It was fear. I didn't want this break up to be real because it means that my problems are too much more people to handle. That I can't have a relationship without screwing it up with my baggage. Baggage that I have no control over. Baggage that I fight every single day of my life to get better. I've gotten over him now. Craig helped me remember that I am amazing. That I brought half of what was great about that relationship to the table, and that any guy will be happy with those great qualities. But there's the other side. I was raped. I still have those battles everyday. It's been nearly 2 years since I've had sex, and sex is terrifying to me. I have what is known as penetration anxiety. I've come a long way, I briefly dated a guy a few months ago that I wasn't afraid at all to fool around with, just not sex. Sex is something I don't know how I feel about anymore. But it's also dating in general. I was dumped because my problems became too much for someone else to handle. How am I supposed to ever date another person knowing that part of me is too big a burden to handle? I still like to think Craig is right, that I bring some fantastic qualities to the table. But after rape, there is so much about you that is still wrong. I mean, right now, I kind of dig this guy at work. Before Jay, maybe I would have had the balls to try and pursue something. But I just can't. I mean, my co workers don't know me well enough to see it but to my friends, it'd be obvious. Kenzie would call me out on it in a second. I'm a little more chatty with him, a little more jokey, and I'm starting to get a little more smiley and flirt but it won't surpass that. I don't have the balls to pursue it. I can't in good conscious put my burdens on another person when it's proven that even love can't withstand whats toxic about me.
  5. Life

    I can't help but beat myself up.... I know... I recognize that it is depression... that it is the resurgence of fucked up feelings/desires and impulses that have been with me my entire life... things I'm ashamed of... been repressing, haven't been exploring or dealing with them... and... I know that a lot of my.... feeling scared... anxious... and quite frankly... recently I just want to... end. Not that I'm going to do anything to hurt myself physically... I'm not capable of that.. but... I am so tired of fighting.. of trying... I'm scared... lonely... whatever. Anyway... My husband and I haven't been to therapy for the past three weeks... which... sucked. Terribly. Horribly. And, last week, we went on a family vacation with my family - extended and immediate. That was..... amazing.. but also terrifying and almost... like... defeating... So... while we were on vacation... my husband (accidentally) found some exchanges I've had... that basically amount to cheating. Needless to say he was crushed, angry.... and... in a way it was... I don't keep secrets from him... I've always tried to be honest and forthcoming with him... and... I've also felt like I've been TRYING to communicate (albeit terribly... and in ways that he didn't understand...) It led to a greater conversation about how unhappy I have been in our marriage... that a lot of it has to do with sex... sexual attention... and how that equates to his wanting to be with me - cherishing me... It's obviously not just that. I have also been feeling like I haven't been seen... been put first... been supported in my relationship... I know that I have also contributed to this - and I'm willing to try to do something different... but I honestly hadn't felt like he desired me and wanted to be with me... he said the words...but his actions made me feel differently... At therapy yesterday... he finally heard me. I know that I'm not being fair to him... I'm asking him to do things that make him incredibly uncomfortable and push him past limits he didn't know he had... never dreamed of crossing... but.... I am realizing... through people we have encountered (this foursome who were poly), then my abuser coming back into my life... on top of feeling more and more isolated and lost in my marriage.... He heard. He's been trying. He's been very attentive... sexually... even though he maintains that he won't be able to do this all the time (and I get that... sometimes I really am just tired...) but... he's been touching me (hugs, cuddles, soothing touch) the way I need. He has asked me to tell him about what I need... which... I had been doing.. but had gotten tired of him shooting me down immediately (either with "that's just not me" or "I never want that kind of relationship") and am at the end of my rope... I'm so weary of trying... So... I've been trying to be completely transparent. I told him that I'm struggling with monogamy.. that part of what I'm craving is that sexual attention from men... all men. I... it's wonderful to get it from my spouse... I've been missing that. Hold the phone... no jumping to conclusions... So... first, I need to get my depression under control... and... if my husband keeps giving me the sexual attention that he has been... it doesn't have to be this constant... but... it needs to be fairly constant... The other thing is... I know I need to explore some of these sexual things... and.... I know he's trying to be with me... and I'm going to be honest with him... even if it means he comes to a line that he won't cross... that... I feel compelled to cross... I mean... If there is one thing I know... it's that I don't mess around... I do things... I try to do them fully, or at least try... to be fair and honest. So... I'm telling him that I'm struggling... that it's a daily occurrence... that it stems from before the abuse around my parent's divorce... that... it is me... it has been me... and.... I'm scared he's going to get tired of going down this rabbit hole... But... I'm trying to be honest with him... and he's never been anything but good.. He didn't... he wasn't giving me what I needed... but he NEVER hurt me. Never on purpose. He is a good man. So... I feel better knowing that he KNOWS what is going on... what is "at stake" so to speak... and.... that I need more... I need... "taboo" and "unconventional" things... I don't know how we're going to do that... I don't know if he will be able to.... but... it feels strangely... like we're closer than ever. Sometimes I don't understand life... because... even when I know that he and I are BOTH trying to work through this... to figure this out... I still feel like crying.... sad... like... hopeless... Depression.. I'm sure. Anyway... today we've been sexting... and we're going on a date.. going to do some things that we've never done before... It's exciting... thrilling... scary... to be this way with him... after I've felt so invisible for so long.
  6. Invisible

    I am so sick of feeling invisible. Let me try to break apart the different ways in which I feel invisible. Sexually - For the past two years. maybe for a few years leading up to that too, my husband's and my sexual relationships has changed... has tapered off. Now, I know that's normal... but it's almost like... I am apprehensive to say or do ANYTHING blatantly sexual, because he appears to get irritated and annoyed that I'm horny, again. So like... I have taken to basically being nudist in my house... because it's comfortable (we were never like that growing up...) but also because I like walking around in front of him naked. But. He. Doesn't. Care. I don't even know what would get a reaction out of him... maybe if I wore a clown suit? Or set myself on fire? I don't know. He just... carries on like everything is normal. I feel invisible. Likewise... I have really upped my consumption of porn and how often I masturbate... and I have started drawing intense erotic illustrations... Again, he could be walking by me drawing, or writing something... look at it, and just walk by. Like nothing out of the ordinary is going on. I'm not saying he needs to like... fucking throw me down each time he sees that... but... SOMEthing would be nice. It's so hard, and getting so much harder every day, because I'm realizing how much sex, sexual attention, and feeling wanted by someone matters to me - to my fucking core. It is NOT just about getting off, it's about truly feeling wanted by a man, feeling coveted, needed, desired. Cherished. It hurts me so bad when he ignores me, over, and over, and over. In General - My man has always been quiet, has always been... reserved. Shy. That's fine. What is hard, is the constant feeling of zero communication. On a typical night... we might speak 100 words to eachother - and that is probably being generous. Yes, we have BOTH gotten into the habit of technology taking over our "down time"... but even if I try to initiate conversation, he doesn't want to talk. I have asked him what his favorite part of the day was... Did he see anything weird.... Eat anything good? Anything, just, fucking talk to me... and he can't. He doesn't want to. But then, if his mom calls, or his brother... he instantly comes alive. He wants to chat, he wants to talk, socialize. Why won't he socialize with me? Or, if we are doing something socially (btw, majority of the time we do shit with his family, since all my siblings live away, and my mom lives downstate. His entire family is in the area.) he comes alive. He wants to stay late, talk to everyone, etc. Why won't he talk to me anymore? Or like, if we're in a social situation, he's very apt to not introduce me or include me in conversations... or ditch me all together. I am not that shy... so in the beginning I would stick my hand out and introduce myself... 7 years in... I am so fucking tired of it... I just... will be there... in the background. Or like... today, I come home... I ask him questions... I get one word responses. I told him that I had a hard day... nothing.. It's just so hard to.... feel so invisible. And I KNOW part of it is he is so comfortable with me, that he can just... .be.... but I am dealing with severe emotional abuse and trauma... shit that made me HYPER needy... I'm mad at him. I'm not. Life Decisions - There has been one major.....major fucking decision that was made the first year of our marriage in which I had no say. He had a job downstate. I was just about to graduate college. His job was KILLING him. He was depressed, and would come home and cry.... I fully supported him getting a different job. I tried to get him to look out of state, or downstate... anywhere where there WERE jobs. He could only see moving to his hometown. I tried so hard to help him see other options... but he chose a 3rd shift, part time job, and moved back in with his parents. So.... when I graduated, I moved in with my in-laws. It was fucking hard. I had an incredibly hard time finding work... and he was on a completely different schedule.. so when I did see him, he was sleeping. Now... we are established... we have our careers, our own house... it's cool. And we have fought about his... decision.. but I have decided it isn't worth it for me to bring it up.. all it does is make him crazy defensive, and we fight horribly... so why do that? But it's hard... because he makes these other (not as big, but still LIFE) decisions without taking into account MY thoughts. Like, he was already planning on doing it, but he's telling me first. IE - we got a dog. He took a demotion/pay cut to have less responsibility at work. And then a series of incredibly small fucking trivial decisions that just... accumulate and make me feel like I am a shadow in my own life. "Oh didn't I tell you we're having dinner with my parents tonight?" It's just... I am so fucking lonely. I didn't even know I was lonely... I brought up date night with him last week... just.. trying to schedule time for us to reconnect... he asked why, but then was down for it... Yeah... I haven't heard about it since then. That's the thing... like, I COULD go and remind him... I COULD go and bring it up to him, again. But... I am so fucking sick of that. I want HIM TO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO SEEK ME OUT. I want HIM to want to do things for me, to worry about me, to cater to me, to cherish me. I know he loves me... but it's a platonic... like... brotherly/roommate love... I don't feel like his partner. I don't feel like.... anything. I feel like a fucking shadow that just hangs out... I can manifest sometimes to say things, interact with objects.... but usually I'm just a shimmer of darkness... I'm just so fucking sad right now.
  7. How Can I Be This Way?

    So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best... But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sexy night, trying to be coy and touch his thigh/whatever... and he just lays there. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me. That's his standard sexy pose... laying still, not making noise, eyes closed. I just feel so... invisible. And I KNOW that it is probably a mental issue on MY part.. Because, he got hard, we had sex, he came... so it wasn't like I didn't get what I wanted. And he DID touch me, say things to me, use words and stuff that I like... but.. I still just feel like it's a fucking chore to him. I know it's not... and I have tried to tell him over and over again... I NEED ATTENTION. LOOK at me. Talk TO me. Fucking pay attention to me!!! I feel like I want to wrap myself around his legs like a whiny toddler, and not let go until he promises to do it. It terrifies me -- what I might do if I keep feeling this way. See, then that's where I get angry at him again. WHY SHOULD I FEEL ASHAMED FOR SOMETHING 'I MIGHT DO', when it's something I wouldn't HAVE to do if he would just fucking pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't that make me a horrible bit*h? Like I'm saying, it's HIS fault if I leave him, cheat on him, whatever. But... when you try every way you know to communicate to your spouse what you need... and they just can't seem to figure out what you want/ or don't care (it is starting to feel this way...)...... Yeah... don't mind me, just complaining about my marriage. With my husband who is trying his best to be what I need, to give me what I need. Yeah. Let me just wallow in some more self pity. Fucking great. Ugh. Yeah. Just working through some shit.
  8. A Life Partner

    Is there really a point in living life, If we have no one with whom to share it? Living can suck without husband or wife To credit your daily life with merit. We need someone to listen to our stress: Calm down our anger, console our grief, To celebrate with us in our sucess, And after a rough day, be our relief. To whom else can we turn when life's unfair, When everything's wrong and we need a friend? To comfort us when it's too much to bare, We need someone on whom we can depend. We need someone to tell our daily tales, To be there for us through both thick and thin, To take care of us when we're sick and pale, And keep us away from the looney bin. Living alone lacks a certain substance: We can't validate our own existence. A partner can give our life abundance, Because to our lives we need a witness.
  9. Relationships are like a rose Fragile, beautiful - with some thorns If neglected, will decompose Relationships are like a rose The more you care, the more it shows And weathers better through the storms Relationships are like a rose Fragile, beautiful - with some thorns
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