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All last night I had the same dream, over and over. The man who abused me as a child suddenly got charged (by another one of his victims) and was going to trial and I was called to testify before an entire room full of people. One of the jury memebers was someone I knew. The judge kept asking me for details. The whole room was silent, listening to me and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up. I was so ashamed. I didn’t know how to tell them I had no evidence//that I couldn’t even remember. The judge wanted to know what he did and for how long. I knew what he did and sometimes during the dream (I had it repeatedly) I would be able to nod my head yes or no when asked these questions, but mostly I was just frozen. I had someone sitting next to me. I don’t know who. I couldn’t see his face, but he was a comforting presence to me. I would bury my head in his arm and when I could speak, I would mumble and he would repeat it louder for me. I felt so small. So small and helpless and stupid. I felt like an exhibit at the zoo with everyone watching me. I couldn’t tell them because I didn’t know and I felt like I didn’t belong there. Even if I did know how are you supposed to admit to these terrible things?
Freshman year. Fall 2012, I was starting a new life and a better one because I was in control with no limits. It was the start of the college season and being a shy person, it was a slow start, never really fitting in was also a hinderance. Finally I had a date set up with a guy on my floor and boy was he adorable. But he never showed...I was humiliated, it didn't help that my last relationship ended with me being broken into pieces, but now this?? I've always had an internal struggle of trying to tell myself, fool myself into thinking, that I am worth it. I am beautiful. I am smart. But depression started to take me under it's wing after I desperately fought the battle throughout high school, but now I had no one. No one was there. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, drinking, smoking being numb. You're thinking I'm crazy to do this all because of a guy, but I wasn't making real friends, and all I wanted was to feel something, and men are what could help me feel something even if it's in short bursts. The touch still helps the ache inside dull for a short while. Well I went to a crazy party one night. In a car full of people I just met. I drank. And drank. And drank some more. I started kissing anyone who would kiss me back, I needed contact, and the drunk side of me tried to get any relief from the roaring in my head. I set my drink down at some point between smoking and kissing, and then everything goes hazy. I'd been talked to about never putting down my drink, but I guess I didn't listen well. I'm in the trees. Leaves crunching under foot. Murmurs in the distance. I'm lead like a child away from prying eyes hardly able to walk. Next thing I know I'm bent over and someone has pulled down my pants. I feel cool metal on my cheek, and hands roam my skin. I'm unable to do anything, I feel mute, and my body is made of sand. A tear is unleashed and rolls down my cheek. I don't know who he is or what he looks like but I will never forget the noise of those pants hitting leaves. I blackout. I wake up in my dorm the next day. I don't know how I got there. I don't even remember the night before. Those few memories have come to me over the course of 3 years. Trying to dig up answers because all I know at the time is that I was found disheveled in the parking lot of the frat lands. I was horribly sick, and I floormate took me back. Somehow the sick son of a bit*h found out where I lived and my roommate gave him my number since I wasn't there. For 3 months he continuously called and texted me. I tried blocking him, but he got around it. I felt so exposed and dirty, and I had no face to blame. Just every white male around me. And so I closed in on myself. One day it all just stopped, and I never heard from him again… Winter was around the bend and I had peace, I felt like I could move on finally. I couldn't remember enough anyway. So I pushed it in the back of my head. I tried to forget. December… I was sitting by myself eating my salad, if you could call it eating, more like knowing I should and not having the appetite. I was approached by a kind man. I was weary but he was new to the country, so I invited him to sit. He told me about italy, and how it was so different from here. I talked about how I had italian family members, though very distant that still lived over in italy. I was feeling myself. Learning about culture. I even agreed to give him my number so we could hang out sometime. Innocent, I was so naive… He calls a few days later to hang out. He suggests his place since he lived off campus. I agreed. I should have never agreed. He picks me up in a black car, we drive down town. His roommates are nice, with the small wave that they offer. I turn for what I guessed was the living room. I'm fed some excuse that the TV was stolen...Oh little girl what were you thinking!!!! I follow into his room. The world twirls and becomes a haze around me, I start to panic but swollen it down. Because I don't want to be crazy...i should have followed my gut and insisted on being in the open space. He pulls out his laptop. Lights candles. He doesn't know that I'm not okay with this. It's all too fast I'm not ready. He pulls up a movie gets us drinks, and I'm numb and freezing in my grey zip up. He notices and tries to cuddle. I wiggle out and I'm given a look of disgust. Making me feel like I owe it to him to be held. He goes back to the movie, but still pulls me close to him. I still can't speak. The movie ends, why did it end. Why can't I speak. Why did I agree to this. He starts to kiss me and pull up my shirt I say no. He stops but continues to kiss me while I move away from him. He makes me feel like his personal w**re with the look in his eyes. What were you expecting he says. And goes back to kissing. He goes to my pants and unbutton them. I shoot up, and he follows, I say no and I'm on my back again. No control. I say no not tonight. He replies with why not. And lists so many reasons. He's my only ride back. I don't want this. I said no. I need to get back. I want my own bed. I wish it was fast. I wish I could get the touch of him off me. I wish a shower actually would clean me. I wish the first time had been enough. I wish I was strong enough in my reprieve that no would mean no I wish I wasn't weak I wish I wasn't broken I wish I was worth the effort if flowers and sweet kisses I wish gentleness wasn't just in the books I read I wish Christmas vacation hadn't started the next day I wish he would stop calling I was right back to where I had been, and I wish I could get my innocence back. I wish I could eat. I get told by my mother at dinner that I eat less than a three year old. She doesn't see it. The weight I've lost, means I look healthy and great to people at church. My quiet persona is me growing up. No one sees me. No one reaches out. I'm drowning. I find a friend and new roommate for next school year, and she listens and helps in her own way. My best friend from high school helps me stop self harming. I'm growing in a way. But I become the w**re that I mind told me I was for the next two years. I messed up many relationships because of it. Senior year. I meet a romantic. And I thought I had finally found it, peace and love that I yearned for… I was wrong Two months in and I had a rough week in life the plan was to come out and visit me. It just happens I needed a friend more so than the romantic partner. That wasn't my role Sex was expected He only came for that reason Since I wouldn't do it for him...he took care of himself. Right next to me On my small bed I am nothing. I am not worth a breath. I am unloveable. I am only here for one reason. Romance is not in my future. Love is a fairytale that I'll continue to read, but I stopped putting faith in a long time ago. I ate, I stopped caring, I stopped getting looked at. I stopped looking at myself. I hate my body. But I'd rather hate what I look like rather than being looked at by strangers ever again. This is my story, only one that explains why I hate myself so thoroughly. I thought being an adult I would have more control, that I could be more than what I faced as a kid. But thinking back, I'd take being a kid without a meal or home over being broken into pieces. Add Blog Entry Manage Blog