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Found 17 results

  1. RubyRosie

    19 - PTSD

    So, I've had ptsd for a while now. Since the accident 9 years ago. I was moving when I got hit from behind. Like all my stuff was packed I. The back of my truck. And then my whole life just exploded. For a long time I thought my brain was broken. Like wtf was wrong with me that I could survive so much. So much neglect, abuse, just all the shit. All the very personal, directed at me shit. But a random asshole from outta nowhere hits me and my brain starts to crumble? Like it was so impersonal. Random as fuck. Why is THIS the thing that breaks my brain? And so I felt like that for
  2. 13rose

    I hate the Night

    I hate the night. Sometimes I find myself lost in the dark. The daylight keeps me present, and the night takes me back. I start feeling tears stream down my face and I can't quite tell what they are from. Then I begin to feel like I am being sucked into a time loop. I am back at our old dirty apartment, sneaking past him as he sleeps...terrified he might wake up. My heart is racing, body tense then his eyes open. I flash forward to a new room. All of a sudden I am laying on a cot next to a stranger eyes wide open. My phone is flashing with messages reading I love you, I hate you, call me,
  3. 13rose

    Innocent

    I feel like I had so much stolen from me. No matter how many years go by, and how successful I become I will never have what I use to. I lost more than just money I lost who I use to be. The world will never look the same as it once did, I will never be as trusting, loving, caring...I will never be innocent again. Its funny, I guess I don't really want to change what happened because I do like who I am now, but I do often wish I could be who I am now with the innocence I use to have. Seeing the world the way I do currently may make me who I am but it often times makes me sad as well. Igno
  4. All these intrusive thoughts swimming through my head again. It’s agonizing. I really feel I can’t trust a lot of people. I feel like if I opened up even more with every body They’d think I was crazy or gross or perverted. When I say open up I’m talking about my experiences with men after I was assaulted. I got into some weird things. It makes me question my preferences and if everything I love about sex and relationships comes from a dark and twisted place as I said in my last blog post. you love oral sex because Of M You like an aggressive man because M forced you to Perfo
  5. I feel like I’m further along In my sexual assault journey but there are still some days my ptsd gets the better of me. last week at work two male supervisors had come into the restroom I was cleaning at work and where talking with me. Little do they know it had caused a panic attack. I don’t like feeling cornered by a man or men. It freaks me out. After they left I had to take some time to breath and just focus on work . I reminded myself I was safe and soon after I felt much better. I feel bad because it’s nothing against anyone and it’s so irrational to feel like In regular day to da
  6. Good Afternoon, I just joined this group and i'm brand new to all of this. I'm dealing with child sexual abuse i have pushed these memories down and only realized it till a couple years ago. Now its constantly on my mind. I'm having bad flashbacks and nightmares a lot. My PTSD is making me so irritable towards my wife (i'm gay) i feel like i'm ruining my marriage by the symptoms i'm having. Im just having a hard time with this issue. If you guys have any advice i would love it. Thank you for listening, theGr8ful
  7. Hi all, I discovered this place in the early hours whilst recovering from a full day of body sensory flashbacks and ptsd. I suppose I best had start by talking about what happened, it happened nearly a year ago now. I'm gracing the good days with my full heart and savouring the comfortable mindfulness, when the bad days happen I tell myself there will be a better day and try to self soothe as much as possible. I have a 6yo to keep me busy, he is my world. It happened at home and I'm still living in the same place currently, I would be interested to see if anybody else had this
  8. Hi all, I amfour years post my rape and thankfully divorces from my abuser. I have so much to be thankful for, and I also feel that sometimes I am still in the control cycle with my ex. Unfortunately my ex husband does use parenting time as a mechanism of abuse and control. For example: he shows up at school events unannounced, or pushes the boundaries with parenting time always to manipulate the kids away from me. When I say no he doesn’t hear me or care. Does anyone have suggestions on coping with coparenting with your abuser? It’s trigger enough just to see him, I’ve worked thro
  9. Indyrex

    Dissociation

    I've been feeling pretty despondent the past day or so, which usually means I'm trying to dissociate. It's a feeling of, I'm tired of feeling this way, so I'll just not be in my body. Sometimes being in my body is one of the unsafest feelings ever. Ever read The Host? Some type of alien takes over a body and lives inside. I remember the author describing sliding into their body, feeling each finger and toe as the alien grows these long tentacle-like neuron things and grows to feel familiar. That's exactly what coming back from dissociation feels like. You slide into your body like a glo
  10. I don't know the first thing about writing a blog. All I know is I survived. There is more of me broken than functional - but something small, somewhere inside me persists that that will not always be the case. So here I am, writing about it. (For all intents and purposes, and I still wan't nothing to do with them, my abuser will be called "X") I was with someone, who didn't care. I was with SEVERAL someones who didn't care, at least about me. However, this one in particular had brought me lower than I have ever been. We met under incredibly ordinary circumstances, nowhere I would c
  11. Started therapy a few months ago, was diagnosed with PTSD. I've had multiple traumas... Feeling scared about reaching out, but I know that it is valuable. So glad that this board exists. By the way, is the chatroom still available? Do I just need to go through an extra step to join?
  12. I've joined this site looking for help and answers. I was sexually assaulted about a year ago and I experienced PTSD symptoms the other day. I don't know what triggers me thinking about these things and thinking about it, it just happens sometimes. I think about it more and more and when I do I almost experience it again. I found myself clenching my fists and resisted hurting myself (which is a big step for me) I felt the pain all over again even though I've blocked this guys number and I have a loving boyfriend who is trying to help me through this. Sometimes I find I trigger myself on purpos
  13. Dasi

    Encouragement

    If you healing from sexual assault and you get out of bed in the morning, You are doing well. If you healing from sexual assault and you hold down a job, You are amazing. If you are healing from sexual assault and and you are still remotely pleasant to others, You are a lot nicer than me. If you are healing from sexual assault and you cannot always be there for a friend, You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you. If you are healing from sexual assault, and find it difficult to care for yourself, but still find the strength to care and love your family
  14. Hi all of AS, I've been doing my best to understand the site rules and general discussion topics without being fully a member (not enough posts yet) I'm hopeful I can find peers, or friends, or someone that I can honestly talk to about how much PTSD has an effect on my daily life. I have recently found a home church, but cannot muster the courage to connect with members there because of the shame always being carried in my conscience.. I'm glad a site like this exists, but I am wondering, is the degree of my trauma too much for this site? Thanks all, Bluey
  15. We are all born into this world as loving, trusting, pure beings. We possess a genetic and a soul connection to all of our ancestors. We are the culmination of everything that we have ever been as well as all that we can and will ever be. Upon this earthly playground we live, love and have experiences both public and private. We are molded by our unique genome as well as our environmental influences thereafter. We experience ecstasy as well as pain, joy and sadness, heaven and hell. So when it is time for us to die, what then did we gather from all of this life? For those of us who are agnost
  16. I will not go into graphic details of any sort here, but there may be some triggers for SI, suicidal thoughts, and possibly for swearing, because I don't have the energy to censor myself tonight. Sometimes I sleep. Usually people have to encourage, cajole, beg, demand, insist or outright force me to do so, but sometimes I just sleep. Sometimes I can be convinced or can convince myself, for months on end, to sleep every night like a good girl, regardless of the horror I find myself facing, or the bruises and scratches I wake up with at times, or the periodic full days of feeling exactly as I di
  17. twb

    Hello

    I found this website while searching for information about post-rape behaviour. I thought I had resolved all my feelings about being raped, but during recent therapy for PTSD it has emerged again. Turns out I had buried it so deeply because I really believed it was my fault. I believed I was so bad that I had to hide that part of myself from everyone. The therapy is hard, but I am at last re-evaluating all the thoughts and feelings about myself that I've believed for decades.
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